Considering all options

Posts: 2
11/14/11 11:43 A

I really need some help here. I just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant and I am so scared. The father and I have been friends for a little over a year and this is the last thing we were expecting (I mean, we weren't even really dating). I just broke the news to him and he wants me to consider all our options (like terminating, parenting, etc). I have always been against abortion and really don't think I could go through with it although a child really wasn't in the game plan as I was planning on going back to school full time in the fall. I'm 25 and have a decent full time job with benefits, he is 27, has debt and lives with his dad still. I really don't think I could carry a baby and choose adoption either. I really hate the idea of having a child who wasn't wanted by their father. He has made it clear that it is ultimately my choice but I don't want him resenting me and his child for the rest of our lives (more concerned about the child then myself honestly). Have you been in a similar situation? How did you make the choice? Any words of advice are welcome because I haven't even told my best friend (my mom) yet and I'm so lost.
Thanks for your time!

Posts: 2201
11/14/11 12:00 P

You know, if he is a good guy, he's not going to resent the child. He might not like the situation, but he'll probably still love the child. After all, that's how it works for you. What makes you think he'll be any different?
That's assuming he is a good guy, of course. Many of us here have experience with not so good guys. Maybe they resent the child, or maybe they use the child as means of getting back at the mom, or maybe they just bail on the child. I don't know this guy, so I can't tell you what kind of person he is. It sounds like he's being respectful and considerate so far, but I'm not really there in the situation so I don't know.
It sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you want to do. Abortion definitely isn't an option for you, and adoption is looking pretty close to a no-go too, right? That only leaves one option left. All of us on this thread decided to parent when we had an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I can fairly say that no one here would judge you for making a different choice if you wanted to. I just hope that whatever choice you make is one you make of your own free will and because you honestly believe that it will be the best choice for you and your child. If you do decide to speak to adoption agencies, keep your guard up. Many of them tell you lies or offer you things you don't really need in order to convince you to give up your baby. They make a profit off of these adoptions, so they'll do a lot of crazy stuff to convince you that you're somehow unfit to parent because you're not married, are young, are not wealthy, or some other temporary status. If anyone tells you that you can't raise a healthy child for any of those reasons, they're either an idiot or lying to you, remember that.
Many of us have been students or had full time jobs, a lot of our kid's biologic fathers were in way worse shape than what it sounds like yours is. It's totally possible to do. You can still go to school, work, pursue your dreams, date, etc., as a single mom. It's a little more work, but I think everyone here will tell you it's totally worth it if you're up for the challenge.
Whatever you decide to do, keep us posted. We're all here to support one another.

Posts: 2
11/14/11 10:35 P

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm seeing my gp tomorrow to talk about things. Thanks also for making me realize that I'm lucky that father isn't a total jerk! Or at least hasn't proven himself to be one yet.

Posts: 145
11/17/11 3:40 P

As an adopted child myself I personally think that is a great option IF you think that you could emotionally deal w/it. Also as a single mother it is ALL worth it but I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it's easy. It's NOT!! You have to do what you can get up in the morning and live w/. Either way you are going to have regrets and wonder what-if. So do what you can live w/. Were here if you need to chat.
Hugs

Posts: 2700
11/23/11 9:57 P

I had a situation where I was unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 18. I knew that I could NEVER have an abortion because I knew off the bat that I would not be able to handle it emotionally. It is a very difficult thing, and my best friend had an abortion the next year and it has been two and a half years, and she still is super depressed over it. I, like you, didnt think that I could have a child on my own and I was going to consider adoption. I moved out of state so that I could escape the BDs pressures to terminate the pregnancy and just give the baby up for adoption. However, a few weeks after I moved, I had a miscarriage, so the situation kind of took care of itself.

I felt so unbelievably guilty over it. I blamed myself for the pregnancy terminating itself because I thought, if only I had wanted the baby instead of jut deciding to give it away. Then, when I got pregnant again, with my son, I knew that the whole thing was so emotionally exhausting, that there were no other options than having him and raising him myself.

You can never tell how the BD is going to turn out. My BD would love very much so to be involved in his child's life, but he has a lot of issues. A LOT. So he isn't, because I as his mother have decided it's best that he resolve his issues and become responsible and mature enough to handle a child. Even if your BD says he wants to be involved now, you can never tell if he will still feel that way after the baby is born. It happens to tons of girls everyday. They BDs are supportive through some, most, or even all of the pregnancy. But as it becomes more real to them, they just leave, for whatever reason.

They have counseling centers for women considering abortion, adoption, or parenting. Every choice is going to be riddled with emotions you never thought you were capable of or even understand. There are even counseling specified for after the decision has been made, especially for aboriton or adoption. Maybe meet with some counselors and agencies and just get a feel for things, but right now, you don't have to do anything other than take care of yourself. You are still so early in your pregnancy.

Whatever your decision, we will all be here to support you through this! Btw, being a single mom isn't exactly what everyone makes it out to be. I have very little support from anyone around me, and I have a toddler who loves to throw tantrums, run around naked through stores, and basically drives me insane sometimes, but I love him so much. It is possible to be a single mom and so rewarding! I personally feel that if you dont act as if its anything less than normal to only have a mom, your child isn't going to be too terribly affected. My son is almost 2, and he knows he has a dad. He knows his dad isnt around, but he doesnt care. He would theorectically and probably will care when he gets older, but who knows, by then maybe he will have a dad, either BD or a stepdad.

A child is a huge responsibility, and if you don't have a strong support system that you need, then maybe you should choose another option than parenting. If you feel you can do, cuz plenty of women do and survive and thrive and love every minute of it, than parent. Counseling during your pregnancy is something you should highly consider to explore all your options. You still have 34 weeks to figure it out though, unless you're seriously considering abortion. Either way, just know that the decision you make was BEST FOR YOU AT THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE. Good luck hun! We will be here for you no matter what!

Posts: 3
2/16/12 12:41 P

I am going throught the same situation right now. I was seeing a guy for several months and just found out I was pregnant at the end of January. When I told him he was shocked and said I should consider all of my options. After a few days he ststed he wanted me to have an abortion which I know I could not live with. I went and talked to a pregnancy counselor who discussed all of the options with me and helped me withmaking MY choice. I have decided to continue the pregnancy and to keep this baby.
No matter what you chose it will be difficult. If you have a pregnancy center near you, I encourage you to stop by. It is nice to have support ebven though its not by the baby's father.
Remember it's your choice and you need to do what you want, do not be pressured by others.
Good Luck!

Posts: 2201
2/16/12 2:15 P

A word of caution about pregnancy councelling centers: many of them are front groups for adoption agencies, and have a financial interest in getting you to give your baby up for adoption. They do not care about what is best for you and baby, they care about getting your baby so they can sell it to a rich, most likely white, straight couple of whom they morally approve.
This isn't all pregnancy counseling centers, but it is many. Be very careful going into them for help. Don't trust that anyone has your best interests in heart but you. The choice to relinquish your child for adoption can be a very valid and fulfilling one, but it's one YOU have to make for YOUR OWN REASONS.

Posts: 646
8/10/12 12:15 A

I would suggest talking to a counselor. I spoke to a counselor for a few months before my son was born. I was really concerned with whether or not I was capable of being a good mother to him. Not that I wasn't a good person, but I was almost 19, and thought maybe a 2 parent home would be better? I thought that maybe being a single mother, I wouldn't be able to do the work of two parents. As I got further into my pregnancy and he was moving all the time, I bonded to him very strongly. I never took the time to find him other parents, because I realized that I didn't think anyone would ever love him as much as me. I would work as hard as it took to make a home for us, and I did. With HELP! Make sure your support system is firmly in place, because you need to have family around!