Yep, I just feel angry and annoyed a bunch, every little thing drives me nuts, and I am at the point where it is almost funny and I have to laugh at myself for being so mad about whatever I am mad about. That is the best part, most of the time I have no idea what I am mad about. The dog annoys me, or a co-worker annoys me, or everything annoys me. But today was a better day. I didnt' even get annoyed when the gas station I went to on my way home was closed. And that made me quite happy to not be annoyed and angry. Let's just hope that this continues. I felt so bad on Sunday, just awful. The dog was annoying me, I yelled at him a bunch, then I yelled at my husband a bunch and well, it was just not good. The best part was being on the water, of course, and I still wakeboarded and felt at peace, but the stupid dog was barking and argh...just so annoyed with him.
So, I cried a bunch, I sat in the shower and cried, I laid on the floor and cried, but realized something...as I laid next to my dog and could feel his heart beat, I put a hand on my baby and felt him move...and it just all felt right. It felt so good to tell the dog i was sorry, but it mostly felt good to just lay there with him, pretend like he could understand me apologize for being a bad dog mom on the day, understanding that he was making me mad, ha, not that he understood, he was just being a dog...anyways...it was a moment where I realized I can't be perfect, I can't expect myself to have a perfectly clean house all the time, I can't expect myself to know what I am going to do is always going to be right, i can't expect to know everything and I can't expect myself not to lose my cool. And that is all right, just knowing that will get me one step closer to being as at ease, calm and peaceful as I can be.
it was a good moment, to feel so lousy about my abilities, it reminded me to get back to the exercises where I center myself, like yoga, or just taking 5 minutes a night to focus on me and focus on calming my energy and channeling them to be the most beneficial. I was reminded to that no one is perfect...and all I can do is the best. I see myself being calm with my baby and consoling him, not getting worked up when he cries and i don't know why. I know the dog sensed i was working up and kept pushing my buttons and I know the baby will do that as well. So, I have to take these few months left to center myself, remember who I am and what is important to me. I have to take this time to eat right and workout and keep my lifestyle on track - and make habits that will stick, even when the baby comes. And I have to just remember to relax and be flexible...I won't be able to control anything but the way I feel...so I will work on keeping control of that and seeing where the rest of the pieces fall.
So, today, not so annoyed and angry - thankfully!
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"well sound like you learned some good lessons that will help you when baby comes. It'll make the crash course on parenting that much easier for you." -- JACKIE2002
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