|Unexpected "bad" news.... blog
Ed and I met with the doctor today and they were unable to grant us another round of IVF through the program. We were so sad, but in a way, this makes the decision easy for us. Our church has offered to have a fund raiser for us to raise the money that we would need to adopt a baby and we were struggling with choosing adoption or IVF again. I was so tired of the exhausting IVF process and almost as afraid of getting pregnant as I am of not getting pregnant. The miscarriage brought me so much pain and sadness and the image of our precious little embryo without a heartbeat is forever ingrained in my mind.
I have had a hard time with making the decision to either continue pursuing fertility treatments or choose adoption for a few reasons:
- Adoption is so expensive there are a few fears that I have with it:
I'm terrified of getting our hearts broken again! That was the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with - even harder than the miscarriage I think.
I realized how magical it was to be pregnant and the moment when I saw two pink lines was one of the happiest moments of my life - I want that feeling again - along with all of the joys of pregnancy/delivery.
I'm so afraid that I'll never have a child of my own. I'm afraid that I'll never get to experience feeling a baby move inside of me, or experience all of the ups and downs of pregnancy. I know that not all of the moments are glorious or fun, but I still want the chance to be able to experience them.
I know that this may seem strange...but once I realized that it was even possible for me to get pregnant, I had these hopes and dreams of being able to look at my child and see me and Ed - I'm afraid that I'll never be able to experience having a child that looks like us.
BUT - we have always been open to adoption (which is why we tried that route before). We know we could love any child, even if they aren't biologically ours - that is why my heart was broken so badly when the adoption fell through last year...that baby felt like he was ours. We loved him like our own.
I'm afraid of waiting and waiting for a birthmom to choose us.
I guess I just have a lot of fears! I have developed these fears through our devastating losses and I hate that I'm not blissfully ignorant and optimistic to these bad possibilities like I was before.
I think for now, we are going to try the adoption route and then if we are lucky enough to be chosen for a baby, when that baby is old enough, we will reconsider IVF again for a second child.
We have cried a lot of tears over the past two weeks and have felt very hopeless. We have given every single option our best effort and have put 100% into every different choice we have made to become parents and have been hurt every time. I'm hoping that this decision ends up being the right decision and that we will have the best of both worlds one day - an adopted little one and a baby that is biologically ours.
Please pray for us right now. I have never felt so emotionally fragile. Ed has been so supportive and great, but we are just drained and afraid of more pain and disappointment. After everything we have been through, the hardest thing is to let go of the dream of becomming pregnant for now and instead focus my energy on a different journey. I'm praying for the right baby to come along in the near future and for things to go smoothly for once and for it to become easier and easier to let go of my desire to be pregnant. UGH - life is so hard sometimes!