Unexpected "bad" news....

Unexpected "bad" news.... blog

Ed and I met with the doctor today and they were unable to grant us another round of IVF through the program. We were so sad, but in a way, this makes the decision easy for us. Our church has offered to have a fund raiser for us to raise the money that we would need to adopt a baby and we were struggling with choosing adoption or IVF again. I was so tired of the exhausting IVF process and almost as afraid of getting pregnant as I am of not getting pregnant. The miscarriage brought me so much pain and sadness and the image of our precious little embryo without a heartbeat is forever ingrained in my mind.

I have had a hard time with making the decision to either continue pursuing fertility treatments or choose adoption for a few reasons:

- Adoption is so expensive there are a few fears that I have with it:
I'm terrified of getting our hearts broken again! That was the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with - even harder than the miscarriage I think.

I realized how magical it was to be pregnant and the moment when I saw two pink lines was one of the happiest moments of my life - I want that feeling again - along with all of the joys of pregnancy/delivery.

I'm so afraid that I'll never have a child of my own. I'm afraid that I'll never get to experience feeling a baby move inside of me, or experience all of the ups and downs of pregnancy. I know that not all of the moments are glorious or fun, but I still want the chance to be able to experience them.

I know that this may seem strange...but once I realized that it was even possible for me to get pregnant, I had these hopes and dreams of being able to look at my child and see me and Ed - I'm afraid that I'll never be able to experience having a child that looks like us.

BUT - we have always been open to adoption (which is why we tried that route before). We know we could love any child, even if they aren't biologically ours - that is why my heart was broken so badly when the adoption fell through last year...that baby felt like he was ours. We loved him like our own.

I'm afraid of waiting and waiting for a birthmom to choose us.

I guess I just have a lot of fears! I have developed these fears through our devastating losses and I hate that I'm not blissfully ignorant and optimistic to these bad possibilities like I was before.

I think for now, we are going to try the adoption route and then if we are lucky enough to be chosen for a baby, when that baby is old enough, we will reconsider IVF again for a second child.

We have cried a lot of tears over the past two weeks and have felt very hopeless. We have given every single option our best effort and have put 100% into every different choice we have made to become parents and have been hurt every time. I'm hoping that this decision ends up being the right decision and that we will have the best of both worlds one day - an adopted little one and a baby that is biologically ours.

Please pray for us right now. I have never felt so emotionally fragile. Ed has been so supportive and great, but we are just drained and afraid of more pain and disappointment. After everything we have been through, the hardest thing is to let go of the dream of becomming pregnant for now and instead focus my energy on a different journey. I'm praying for the right baby to come along in the near future and for things to go smoothly for once and for it to become easier and easier to let go of my desire to be pregnant. UGH - life is so hard sometimes!
7.3.2012

Member Comments About this Blog Entry

	"My husband and I struggled with the same thing and considered adoption as well. There are tons of babies out there that need wonderful and amazing parents and you two are going to be fantastic. I am praying for you and know that everything will work out exactly like it's supposed to. HUGS!!!" -- ADVENTUREGIRL83

	"I'm so sorry that you didn't get the free IVF :( I know it's hard for anybody who has never been in your shoes to understand the importance of wanting to experience pregnancy (meaning those hove done it or those who've had success with adoption will tell you it doesn't matter, and mean it, but it's also never been an issue for them). But I think you're doing amazingly well considering, and applaud you for being open to adoption for now. You would still be giving a child life! And those nine mon..." -- ANGE_AHMED

	"I'm sorry you didnt get another round of IVF. I was hoping you would. All of your fears and sadness are totally understandable/justified. Reading your hopes for a little one that looks like you and Ed are totally understandable, that was what I wanted so badly. I was soo very afraid for the same thing when I kept loosing our little babies at about 10 weeks each time, I remember crying and saying the same thing to Ryan, " Are we ever going to have our own baby, I want to have a baby that looks li..." -- KELLY42105

	"I'm happy I came across your blog. I'll definitely pray for you! I hope you look back at this entry years from now and see just how much your life has improved and how happy you are! Sending a BIG HUG your way!!" -- USPLUSONE

	"Thinking of you in this tough time! Sending tons of hugs and prayers for you and Ed!" -- KASONSMOMMA82

	"My heart breaks for you and your hubby! HUGS" -- DREAMER77

	"Angie, I'm very sorry for what u had to pass thru during the past few yrs.. I've been there to read every single thing that was happening with u & Ed.. Plz be strong & try to get over those fears.. I know it's difficult to so that, but @ least try.. I'm so glad Ed is so supportive & understanding.. That's such a blessing.. I guess the best thing for now is to adopt a baby & hopefully, one day, having a baby of ur own will happen out of the blues.. U'll always be in my prayers.. U deserve nothing..." -- -DIMA-