...yep, it was a rough week. I had a great boat day, felt great about just about everything and then, at some point, it just all came crumbling down. I don't know what happened, I don't know why the downward spiral began, but it did. And it was awful. I hate feeling like a loser, like a failure, like I am going to be a terrible mother and i haven't even had the baby yet. I hate it. But I felt it, it crept in and got worse and worse. Then I became worried about what everyone else was going to think of me and how I am going to handle situations and we all know that doesn't go well.
So, I realized today what the deal was. I read the book what to expect when you're expecting and I understand all the changes that I am going through, but they leave out a lot. They leave out how you have to change who you are as a person. Sure, everyone says you don't, and maybe most people don't, but I do. I have to change just about everything. If I wasn't pregnant right now, I would be going for a run, but it probably is too hot for me and baby, so I can't do that. Or maybe I would be planning what kind of cook out and bbq to have tonight, and have people over and celebrate summer, and maybe this sounds bad, but the fun part of that is having an ice cold beer and I can't do that. I would also be more sore from riding harding on the wakeboard yesterday, i also wouldn't be so exhausted from my stupid breakdown. No one tells you that. I also would be tired from my outdoor soccer game, feeling fit and great, but instead I feel fat and lazy after riding the lawnmower and watching soccer.
No one tells you that after you spend most of your life struggling to lose weight and be healthy, you have to gain it. Sure, I can still be healthy and I mostly am, however, it is totally different than my past mindset. I have to eat now. I have to eat a certain number of calories and I have to gain weight. And again, maybe once the bump stops looking like fat, I will feel better about things, but for now, just feeling pudgy. And I feel like that is just what I am goign to feel like for the next 5 months, but it will only get worse.
And of course, books talk about how everyone will tell you what to do with your baby and such, but no one tells you how to tell them off in the nicest way possible. I'm not a person that likes confrontation, I'm a person that likes to keep the peace. But sometimes, keeping the peace is me just keeping my mouth quiet and hiding how I really feel.
I guess right now my biggest thing is how much I have to change. And how hard it is to be myself when I have to change, I am not chosing to change - I get it, I chose to have a baby and I don't regret that at all, but no one really can understand how it feels to have to change in a way that makes you less happy. Mountain biking would make me so happy right now, but I can't do that. Running with my sports bra and working on that tan line woudl make me so happy, but I can't do that. So, I do my best, I try to get as happy as I can with the things that I am allowed to do, but it's hard. It's already having to change me and who I am. Sure, it's just a few months, and then I get to go back to being me, and I also realize that isn't true.
I guess in a way, I just feel like I dont' even know how to feel. I have days where I just decide to be lazy and tired because it is less frustrating that remembering all the things I can't do. I know, I get it, I am selfish and there are plenty of things I can do, so get over it, right? I wish it was that easy. Vacation is coming up and what does that mean, that means a week at a lake house playing on the lake. And in the past, that has meant wind surfing, sailing, kayaking, boating, beer in the summer....and what does it mean this year, maybe some sailing, nothing as fun as I have done in the past and then I can go cart myself around in the kayak because everyone else will be having fun doing something else - or they will even be doign that, so I will have nothing to do. And that just sucks, and I don't know how to feel better about that. I really just don't. Am I just that selfish that I can't let other people have fun that I can't have? Am I just going to feel that left out because I won't be able to join in? Or am I just going to feel sorry for myself because I can't do all the things I want to do? And I just don't feel like anyone can understand. Maybe I can't explain it well, maybe I am not letting people try to understand, but it is hard. It's hard to express any of this to someone who didn't do these things and have to give them up anyways. I feel like anytime I talk about the things I can't do while I am pregnant people just think I am a jerk because I can't give up a few things for a few months. I feel like no one really gets how great all of these things make me feel, so it's easy for them to tell me not to do things. These things fill up my soul, being outside, being hot and sweaty in the sun, being active, that's what I am missing right now. And I try, I try to be happy with what i have and can do. I mean, yes, the boat day was really fun, a huge success and I did just about everything I would normally do. Ha, so I feel mostly normal on the boat, maybe I just go sit on the boat in my front yard.
I don't know, maybe I am just over tired, maybe it was a longer day than I thought yesterday, but I just feel, gosh, I barely even know what I feel right now. I kinda wish I just didnt' have any feelings. Kinda wish I was happy and content to be lazy and eat all I wanted to and not worry about anything. I just feel like it is too hard to be me through all of this - and that is what no one tells you. Or at least I feel like no one understands because no one is me.
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"No they don't ever really tell you how you'll feel. They always leave it so vague. I guess because every person is different and every pregnancy is different also. I would like to read a book that says your going to feel like crap about yourself or your going to be a raging lunatic or you are going to be a cry mess.lol instead of "some women may be feeling a bit emotional this month". Talk about a understatement. Every mother goes through the am i going to be a good mother then after the baby ..." -- JACKIE2002
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