Yep, the numbers went up this week, I guess way up compared to how it was going. According to my scale I was up 2.5 pounds this week which makes a total of 10 pounds in 14 weeks...almost 15 weeks. I feel pretty all right with that. I think it was high due to eating late at night last and having a second lunch earlier in the week, for some reason, I was just wanting food - wasn't really hungry, but my body wanted something. I also worked out more this week, so that is probably another reason why I was hungry. So, that makes me still a lower weight than I was last summer the first time out on the boat, I think...and I feel pretty all right with that, since there is a baby inside of me as well. I am thinking at this rate I will gain between 25-30 pounds, which should be a good amount. Not too much and enough to make sure the baby can grow.
I had a tough night again last night, but in the end I was able to talk to my husband and tell him how I was feeling about things, about how I feel about myself (still kind of in the stage where I feel fat and not my little bump, but working to get over that, and actually kind of showing off the bump a little today - and I think it looks like a bump, not like fat!), about how I feel about all kinds of things. And it was good to release. I discovered I am tired of pretending, I am tired of pretending that I am happy and thrilled with eveyrthing, I am tired of pretending that things don't bother me, I am tired of pretending that eveything is all right, when sometimes, it might not be. I am tired of feeling like I am being judged for everything I do - and I just want to run away, I want to hide. I don't want to talk to people about being pregnant because all those people that I am talking to are judging me for being active still and doing what I am doing. So, I was tired. And after releasing it, a huge load was lifted off of me...I felt suddenly better to not hold all of that inside. It was one of those things I didnt' realize I was holding inside until I let it all out.
And phew, I was glad I did. I slept better than I had in nights last night, I felt more at peace with myself, I felt more in control of myself and how I feel. I felt like I was able to express my thougths and feelings in a positive way, of course, I had to work through some negative first. So, here I am today, a new day, with a new plan, with new confidence....confidence that is different from the confidence that I have been working so hard on before I got pregnant. Just another thing to work on, I guess.
But tomorrow, tomorrow I am going to get up with a good attitude, I am going to put on my bikini with confidence and I am going to be proud of my bump, not try to suck it is like it is fat. And I will have a fun day...and I will enjoy the sun, water and good times.
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