We found out we were pregnant shortly after Christmas, and while this was a surprise pregnancy we were over the moon. We had decided to wait another 4-5 years before having kids; but as soon as the little peanut made its presence known we couldn't imagine a life without kids.
So when I started to spot, panic set it. My gracious doctor saw me the very day I called, in tears, and had me come in immediately. We had guesstimated earlier that I was around 8 weeks, but when the ultrasound came up the fetal pole was showing a pregnancy at 5 weeks.
She said that everything looked "okay" but it was hard to tell. I asked if it was possible that the baby had ceased developing; I knew she didn't want to give me false hopes and I really just wanted her to be straight with me; so she told me that it was a probability but it really was only a "time will tell" matter.
We went home, prepared for the worse and hoping for the best. That night I had a hard time sleeping, I had so much on my mind. Around 2am I finally gave up on sleeping and got up to go watch t.v. to try and keep my mind distracted. As I watched I just kinda knew in my heart of hearts that all was not well with my body and that I was probably going to loose the baby today. Woman's intuition, gut instinct, whatever.... somehow I just knew.
So when the cramps started around 4am, I didn't panic; but i was heart broken. My husband stirred around 6am and asked me if I wanted him home, I did. His boss was extremely gracious and allowed him a personal day. At 8 am I got up to go the bathroom and felt this wave come over me, I knew what was happening.
I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent this, that sometimes miscarriages can happen due to something being wrong with the fetus and this can be natures way of saving me and the child from something much more detrimental down the road. While that doesn't make this pain any easier, it does help the healing process knowing God designed our bodies this way. (While I still struggle with "God could have stopped this from happening, overall I know this has some sort of meaning/plan for our lives)
At any rate, now that we can't imagine our lives without a baby and we do realize that we're ready - we've decided not to wait 4-5 years. We're going to allow ourselves a physical and emotional period of healing, and we're going to try again.
Because we weren't trying previously (I was on BC, we ate okay but not healthy, I wasn't taking pre-natals, etc) we've decided that we want to give the next pregnancy a boost. I know for the longevity of my baby and my health it will be good to loose some weight to get my BMI to where it needs to be, and to adapt a healthy life style.
Here's hoping 2012 is our year of excitement.