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Back... again... but no BFP!

Back... again... but no BFP! blog
I know, a shocker. No BFP for me yet. LOL Here's my situation, though, and I know BabyFit is one of the best places on the web for support for mommies.

I have a nine month old now. When he was born, to say life was chaotic would be an understatement. My husband lost his job 5 months before Liam was born. He was completely unemployed. My older son, oh my goodness. There were some SEVERE behavioral issues. We're still not completely sure what was going on, but it was way, WAY outside the realm of "normal." We completely lost all of our friends and support system. It's a long, complicated story, but we were burned badly, and it's taking a long time to recover. My family all lives 1000+ miles away, so they weren't around.

Liam was born on Thanksgiving day, after an amazingly difficult birth that ended up being a vacuum extraction, and two weeks later, we moved out of state. DH had blessedly found a job, and, even better, one that got us out of the podunk town we were in. But... we had to stay in motels for about 2 weeks until we found our place. We moved in on Christmas Eve. There wasn't really a Christmas for the kids last year. It was a horrible year.

In the middle of all of this, Liam wouldn't breastfeed. I mean flat. out. refused. My 6 week PP visit, I decided to go to a local midwife. She immediately identified what the doctors at the hospital had failed to when he wouldn't latch: Liam is tongue tied. I could've screamed. Pieces started fitting together of his breastfeeding (or lack thereof), and, not just of his, but of my first child's, whom I believe now was also tongue tied (but has since either stretched or ripped, and she's fine now).

I was ANGRY. I mean ticked. Something so simple caused endless amounts of frustration and pain (literal, physical pain) for Liam and I.

Within days of finding out, before I could even make a pediatrician appointment, I dried up, despite pumping. I was heartbroken. I cried for days.

Now, it's nine months later. I've met a wonderful friend through a message board, and she is inspiring to say the least. She has problems breastfeeding, but she's so amazingly dedicated to it, it just blows my mind. She's inspired me to try to relactate.

So, that's where I am now. Tomorrow, Liam has a surgery consult. Yep, it really took this freakin' long. One problem is, I couldn't find a good pedi. I'm very insistent on being comfortable with my health care providers. I'm still not 100% comfortable, but I've found one I can live with at the moment. I'm praying that at tomorrow's consult, they actually clip him, not just look at him, decide he needs clipped, and then make me another appointment.

The other thing that's brought me back to BabyFit is an unsettled feeling I have. Part of me feels DONE. I have 6 kids, and the youngest 4 are all 4 and under. I'm also studying to become a midwife, and I homeschool, so I'm busy. But.. I feel like God is telling me that I'm not quite done. I have a feeling, just a nagging feeling, that we're in for at least one more. And I want to be healthy for that one. I want the best pregnancy and birth I can have. I want my homebirth. I want my waterbirth. Just once. I can't have that, unless I'm healthy.

So, here I am. I've got about 85 pounds, more or less, to lose, so I'll be on Sparkpeople a lot, too, hopefully. If I remember to. (I'm kchara over there, if anybody wants to add me.) At 2 pounds a week, it should take me just under a year. Hopefully. My goal will be a year from now, to be at a healthy weight. That gives me some wiggle room.

So, that's where I am now. If you made it all the way to the bottom of this novel, thanks so much! It means a lot. Stand by for more updates, especially as our relactation journey continues. :)
8.28.2011

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