So, with Sunday being Mother's Day, and myself not writing a note in a while, I thougth today would be a great time to sit down and share some thoughts and things I have learned in the last 4 1/2 months. Wow, 4 1/2 months ago - in some ways, it seems like the time has gone by quickly, but it other ways, it seems like each day is taking it's time passing as Liam is growing stronger and stronger. I can't be sure if I want to speed time up or slow it down. I am excited for all the things he will be able to do soon, he is almost sitting on his own already. I know I will be thrilled when he starts to crawl, but I am also sure that as soon as he does, I will wish he would rather just cuddle with me and be held. I am thrilled that he is growing, watching his wheels turn is so fun, makes me look forward until he can talk and tell me all the silly things he is thinking. But then, I am sure I will wish his talk was just babble.
Motherhood is one of the craziest rides so far I have ever been on. And I will admit, I haven't read many books about it. I also didn't read many books while pregnant - I started with what to except when expecting, but I soon realized that I would just rather enjoy all the crazy things going on without know what to expect. So, we decided to tackle parenthood the same way. And I swear, that so many of the things we went through with out little guy was not in books. Liam wasn't gaining weight so good at first, so our doctor decided to order all kinds of unnecessary tests to make sure nothing was wrong. Bloodwork done by incompetent people that used an adult needle on my little guy, then screwed up the heel stick with landed us in the Emergency Room at midnight one night, only to be told that the lab screwed up, and he was fine. We also had to do an echo on him due to a heart murmur she found - a murmur that is typical in little babies. I saw a Lactation Consultant that was less than helpful and I believe helped to bring on his nursing strike. And a part of me is still a little bitter about all of this - that he had to go through this, that I had to get the stares from the ER like I wasn't taking care of my baby, and all to know he is fine, which I felt I knew deep down anyways. He was a tiny guy, who was a slow gainer. So, we gave into the pressure and started him on formula, which was against everything I wanted to do - which also helped in his strike. But what can you do - that has to be all behind me. I no longer am upset about his birth, about how it all went, and was so thrilled the first time I told his story without crying. And now, I am not upset about all of these other silly little things.
If there is one thing motherhood does, it helps you pay attention to the here and now. Liam doesn't remember how he screamed when poked with an adult needle (this one still really irks me - I wanted to punch the lab tech - she should have warned us - we found out too late!), he doesn't remember laying on the giant hospital bed while his echo was done, and I'm sure he doesn't remember being born. But he does know that when he cries, we pick him up and love him. When he is wet, we change his diaper and when he is hungry, we feed him. What matters is the now - and no one can remind me of that as much as Liam. Each time I feed him, I am grateful that he is breastfeeding exclusively now and that he enjoys his. I enjoy the time I get to nurse him, how he looks at me sometimes while eating, or how he burps like an old man after a long feeding session. That's what matters - nothing else. And no book can tell you that - or at least I wouldn't have listened to a book that did.
And yes, motherhood is wild and crazy - and no one can prepare you for it, but at the same time, it has to be one of the best decisions we have made, to leap into parenthood - with no idea what was in store for us. We learn from others and advise they share and then we just make it up as we go. And so far, so good. The hard work pays off everytime I see Liam smile at me, and everytime I hear him laugh, or see him stick his tongue out. That is also the stuff books doesn't tell you - and can't tell you. I am having a hard time putting how I feel into words right now.
I am so lucky to have this little guy in my life. I thought the best thing that could have happened to me was when I found Sean to be a part of my life. And darn if, life was pretty great at that point - amazing trips, fun adventures and never a dull day. And I was worried we wouldn't have room for Liam in our little life, but it is amazing how this little being can bring more love into our lives, much more love that I ever thought was possible. And that's the stuff that they should tell you about in books...although, I probably wouldn't have read it - I need to learn lessons on my own. I hope all the mother's out there had an amazing mother's day and realize what an amazing job you are doing, even if it doesn't always seem like it!
5.15.2013
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Yep, thanks to all kinds of great advice and me deciding I should finally lighten up on myself, I am feeling pretty good, dare I say great. Sure, I am exhausted from not sleeping and certain parts of my body are sore from I don't know what, but I can honestly say that today I feel pretty great. Phew, I am nervous to say that, the last time I think I thought I was great, a whole slew of things hit me, but I am going to take the chance again and be great. Monday was a tough day, I think I hit my bottom - or at least as close as I ever want to get. We went to the doctor, she ordered a bunch of tests - none of which I wanted. We had to get his blood drawn and we did that. And of course, it was done by people who didn't have the right equipment to do it. So, the results came back with concern and we were in the ER with Liam at 11:00 PM. I hate doctors and hospitals and it is even worse when your little baby is there getting poked again - only because someone screwed up. We were there for a couple of hours and everything was fine - we went home and slept a bit. I had to again visit the lactation consultant that morning. He wouldn't eat for me, but gained a bit of weight from the day before - I am convinced there is nothing wrong and we just need to feed him more. And we are. We are giving him 4 ounces of either formula or breastmilk and I just can't be upset about it anymore.
See, I put a lot of pressure on myself to breastfeed. I know I did...but I also allowed other people's thoughts to leak into my thinking. My sister in law has 2 kids and expecting another - I swear it seems like the kids just shoot out attached breastfeeding. Seeing and knowing this made me want to do it even more. Hearing her advice was always helpful, but she couldn't understand how I would want to give up and give him formula. So, I beat myself up about it - what would she say, why can she do it and I can't. But I can't do anything about that. I can't control certain things and that is hard for me - because I want to. BUt I can control how I feel about certain things and how I react to the challenges that are in front of me. For the longest time, I just felt like I kept getting knocked down, time after time and wasn't getting a break. It often takes my husband to slow me down and remind me that Liam is our break.
So, I gave in, no more guilt about formula, no more stress about being at work, or not enough milk for my little guy. I am trying another supplement to get my milk up. I am letting Liam eat with me and he has almost gotten 2 ounces a few times! I am relaxing and enjoying my little baby. I got some great advice from these great ladies at BabyFit and from some other friends and family.
And I finally listened! And what a difference that makes!
2.7.2013
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"the worst thing any of us can do is compare ourselves to other people. We are our own worst critic. Every single one of us has the things that we are good at and the thing that we struggle with. And as mothers we want so badly to be perfect for our children. Looking in from the outside it may seem like some people are or at least closer than we feel but even those people have their struggles too. all we can ask for is that we are the best we can be. Children don't care if you are perfect, they d..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, that about sums it up so far for my journey of motherhood. I am stressed and frustrated and just over all of it. Breastfeeding is killing me. It is literally killing me. I am trying so hard to keep it going, but I don't know ho much longer I can do it. I am trying to feed little Liam, but he doesn't seem to be getting it. He is having some problems sucking when he is on my breast and I just don't know how much longer I can go through the pain, frustration and stress that I have going on. I know my stress is making it all worse, I know my frustration is not helpful. And some days I am fine with it. I am all right with the fact that I can't fully breastfeed, that we need to use formula, but other days it kills me. I mean, what kind of mother can't provide for her baby? How is it that my breasts don't make enough milk for him? How come I can't figure it out? It makes me so mad and upset and just sad that I can't do it. All I want to do is breastfeed my little baby. I don't want to carry around bottles and formula, I want to breastfeed him. And I can't. I have tried, gosh have I tried. And he eats, from what I can tell, but not enough.
I have seen a lacation nurse to try and get help and that hasn't helped. Now our doctor wants to see us today and it just breaks my heart that I don't know what to do. Aren't mothers supposed to have an intuition about this stuff? Where did mine go? Why can't I just figure it out, why can't I be all right with giving him formula? Why can't 1 darn thing I wanted with this baby work? I get it, I have a baby - he seems to be healthy, of course, him not gaining weight is a bit of a concern, but he seems to be healthy. That should be enough, right? But it isn't. Not for me. I want more. I wanted to the natural birth and that didn't happen. And now, now, I have control over 1 more thing, breastfeeding - and it won't even work. And I thought baby weight was supposed to come off when you breastfeed or pump - yep, still hasn't happened for me, even though I am watching what I am eating and just nothing.
Which makes me think it is all stress. That's it. I can't make more milk because I am stressed, I am not dropping weight because I am stressed. He knows I am stressed and that stresses him out as well. Huh. so, how to fix that? I had to go back to work way too soon, kills me everytime I leave him. I want to be home with him and maybe I just need to figure out how to make that happen. I don't know. Maybe I take my FMLA and stay home with him. I just want to be able to work from home. It was supposed to happen and all of a sudden, nope, it didn't. So, maybe I need to talk to someone about it. For a few weeks anyways, or a few days or something. I just don't know. I just know that I need to relax and reduce my stress. That's what I need to focus on right now. That everytime it is feeding time, I am not stressed and upset. I mean, I kinda feel like every hour I either have my son or a pump on my breast. And it is tough!
But I can do it. I can work hard to make it happen. Right now, our little guy needs to gain weight and if that means formula, so be it. But I can do it. I really think and hope that i can make it happen. I need to believe it. I believed everything else for so long that I just want to believe this as well. I need to believe I can do it. Not pretend to believe it, but really believe it. I need to believe in myself again, and be strong and make it work. I can do it. I can do it!
2.4.2013
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"Thanks ladies! I just needed to get it all out and it didn't realize how much I was holding in! New blog coming with an update - a much more positive update!" -- SMFOEGE11
"hey i was wondering how you were doing. I know how you feel. I went through the kinda the same thing with my first. I wanted to breastfeed so when i was in the hospital and my milk started to come in i started to i didn't have very much so had to supplement with formula. when we went home i tried everything i was told to try to get my milk up but nothing worked not even the pills the doctor gave me. I would feed and pump but I still dried up. with my second i dried up in about 48 hrs and with th..." -- JACKIE2002
"Listen... every mother feels this way. Whether it is with breastfeeding or the baby not sleeping or whatever else. What I had to learn to do was say, "I can't control!" I can't control whether I can breastfeed, or whether my daughter wants to sleep. I can't control whether I'm exhausted, or whether I have to work. I can't even control how I feel. "I can do." I can do what I have to for my child, and my family. I can do what I have to, to get to work with a smile on my face. I can do! It is a har..." -- DEVO70
"I'm so sorry your feeling this way lady :( There is nothing wrong with formula - but I know the way your feeling. I only made it a week with both my kids cause my milk never came in and I cracked and bled and I quit. but I have one of the healthiest strongest 2 year olds and my baby is turning out to be a 97% boy too. Nothing wrong with formula at all! I don't know if you saw the post in the group but we started a group on facebook, you might want to join its good to get quicker feedback from l..." -- KASONSMOMMA82
Liam was expected to join us on December 4. My joke was that December 1 worked much better for our schedule, so let's go for that one! Well, turns out the joke was on me. The due date came and went with not much progress. I had learned that I shouldn't rush these things, I should wait, it isn't that odd to go that overdue, especially with the first. But it didn't seem like anyone else agreed. We did what we thought was best and continued to wait. We got to the one week past date and my doctor wanted to push things along with induction. I was able to convince them to at least wait until 2 weeks to get the ball rolling, if it doesn't on it's own.
And then that time came. Tuesday, December 18 at 3:00 PM – that was the time they were going to “intervene.” I wasn't thrilled. I was quite bummed. I wanted to go into labor on my own, stay at home as long as I can and then go from there. Tuesday at about 11:30 I started to feel a contraction – or as I told Sean, something very different from what was going on. And this time, they were coming at a consistent pace. They weren't really intense, but it was something! I was so happy I at least started to labor on my own. We made our way to the hospital and hoped a bit they would just let me hang out and see how things went. We got checked in – thankfully, Sean remembered to ask for the room with the tub in it (couldn't deliver in it, but we were able to at least labor in it). So, after laying in bed for a couple of hours while I answered silly questions and was monitored and poked and proded, it was time for the Cervadil induction. They inserted the Cervadil in me and I was then told at that point that I had to be monitored for the 12 hours the insert was in me. I was only told by my doctor that I needed to be monitored for the first 2 hours (in bed) and then 20 minutes of each hour after that. So, great, here we go – I am stuck, I have to follow their rules, I can't make my own at this point, we are on the train – the train we hoped to avoid of intervention, drugs and who knows what else that will be out of our control. We expressed our “unhappiness” to our nurse in a nice way – she understood, but told us that this was the policy. I also couldn't get in the tub, however at least when I was hooked up to the mobile monitor, I could get in the shower. So, yes, I was able to get up and move around after 2 hours, however, they were still monitoring me – so much for as little monitoring as possible! And the worst part was as I was walking, the device would have a hard time reading the baby's heart rate, the nurse would track me down to adjust me and we couldn't walk very far.
The nurse must have told my doctor and midwife (switched doctor at 36 weeks due to this doctor being more on board with the natural methods) because soon they were down checking on me, apologizing for not knowing that was the new policy. I felt at bit better at and ease, like maybe we can stop the train and get back on our course of action. I continued to labor throughout the night, sleeping at times, showering, falling asleep between contractions, etc.
It was then 5:00 AM and it was time for the Cervadil to come out. The nurse pulled it out and checked me at that time – I was 3 cm. I honestly think this had nothing to do with the drug and I would have progressed this much or more if I was able to be at home or more mobile than I was. I asked if I could get in the tub, however, the doctor wanted me to wait until I was 4 cm. Since my progress was slow, we (the doctor strongly suggested) agreed to start Pitocin at a very low level, to see if that would speed things up a bit. I continued to walk, shower, try many different positions and do anything else I could to get the ball rolling. After a while, they wanted to check me again – I was on board, I was hopeful I was going to be able to get into the tub and labor in there – c'mon 4 cm! And I was – finally – 5 cm and I think it was 80% effaced. They stopped the pitocin, I was finally not on any monitors or anything and I got into the tub.
Now, at this point, I am not sure how much pain I should be in as well as where the pain should be. I was in the tub for over 2 hours and it was time for me to get out and get checked again. I was hopeful, and in retrospect, shouldn't have stopped moving at that point. When the doctor finally came down to check me, I was still at 5 – no progress, or hit my NAP. But at this point, it was Wednesday at 7:00 PM. I had been having contractions for 30 hours or so and I was beat. It was hard to hear I was stuck at 5, even though I know that isn't a good indication of anything.
And then it was time to “talk.” Never a good thing when your doctor says that. We have a few options, she says – first of all, you need to sleep. If I wasn't going to get any sleep, I was going to be no good when it came time to push. And second of all, we need to get this going – I had been in labor in over 24 hours, how much longer could I go? So, the options, of course, included drugs – epidural and pitocin, the 2 things I was hoping to avoid. Granted I had a bit of pitocin already, I really was hoping that was all I needed and was really not wanting the epidural. But everyone was right, I needed to sleep and so did Sean. We went back and forth about it, we called some people to talk about it, we talked and cried about. I felt like I was quitting, giving up, failing my plan if I gave in and got the epidural. However, there would be no way I could handle the contractions with pitocin (strengthens and shortens time between contractions) and get any rest, especially in the second night of all of this.
So, with an awful feeling inside of me, I agreed to get the epidural. It was right about the time of a shift change, which sucked – I loved my nurses, they were great, they were on board with my natural ways, they were understanding...but not this new one – she didn't know me yet, she didn't know my situation, there was no way she could understand how it felt to have this shot in my back after I had tried so hard to do everything else right. How could this be happening? How could I be in this position? I sat there, with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying to go back and retrace my steps, seeing what I could have done different, wishing Sean was there to hold my hand and cry with me. They made him leave the room – the only time he wasn't with me. And it was the hardest time to get through. I think maybe they thought it hurt, which is why I was crying, they were small talking like I wasn't even there, it was awful. I had lost my fight to do this without pain medication and the one who I needed there the most had to leave the room while strangers got to poke me. I cried a lot that night, while the epidural was happening, after it happened, when Sean came back into the room to comfort me – I was beyond consolable. Now I was stuck in bed, needing to be monitored and needed a cath since I can't get up to go to the bathroom. I felt awful about myself, wondering why I couldn't do it on my own, wondered why this was happening if I did everything else right, wondering why I didn't get my chance to prove that I could do it without drugs.
Oh, and I did forget to mention that at some point, Liam turned, so it was face up – so even better – back labor for all that time! Before the epidural, the doctor tried to get him to turn, pushing and proding on me like an experiment, hoping this would get him to move down a bit more and get him in a better position. So, finally the epidural kicked in, I felt nothing, I didn’t feel my legs, I couldn’t move them, it was terrible. In a way, it was great, I didn’t feel anything, but I knew that wasn’t how I wanted it. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to feel the pain from my contractions, I wanted to know I was getting closer. I was woken up about 5:15 by the nurse who was going to check me again. At this point, I was about 8 cm. This was great news to me, feeling rested and hopeful that I could let the epidural run out so I could feel when I wanted to push. I believe it was at this check that my water broke as well. Again, couldn’t feel that happen since I was still feeling the epidural. So strange to not feel a rush of liquid leaving your body. I rested a bit more, contracted a bit more (from what the monitors said) and felt like I was getting closer. The new nurse came in, she was the nurse I had yesterday and she had mentioned that the doctor had a busy day, so we were going to deliver between a few other deliveries.
At this point, I was lost, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, I didn’t know how to handle anyone telling me things and I naively thought that what everyone was telling me was right, that they were on board with me and my plan. WRONG! It wasn’t until later when I was talking to Sean did we realize how much they worked to fit me in the “schedule.” The nurse started the Pitocin again, she said she wanted to get the out of my contractions and it seemed like a fine idea. In retrospect, a terrible idea. Looking back now, she really gave me this to speed things up to get this baby out of me, because of their schedule, the baby was still fine, I was still fine…no reason other than their time line to push things along. One thing did work for me, I did let the epidural run out just at the right time to feel the urge to push. However, I didn’t fully listen to myself as far as when to push and for how long. I fell into yet another trap of them telling me when to push. They could still see the contractions coming, the Pitocin was bringing them on stronger and quicker. If I still had the epidural going, that would have been fine. However, at this time, I was feeling my legs, able to move them…and not able to rest. Not able to relax between contractions, not able to focus on calming myself down, the contractions just kept coming, over and over, more intense and more difficult to work through.
At this point, I had been pushing for about 30 minutes, not that long, but pushing at a very intense and difficult rate. I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, like I wanted to give up. I was aware there wasn’t anyway I could give up at this point, however, I was done. I was exhausted, I was tired, I was emotionally drained. Nothing was working out as planned – this wasn’t supposed to hurt so bad and wouldn’t have had I not got this last dose of Pitocin. The doctor asked if she could use the vacuum. Liam was stuck in not sure a great position and she wasn’t sure that he would come out without. I also think she wasn’t sure I was going to be strong enough to keep going, however I gave in. I told her to do it. Around this time, she also performed an episiotomy, which we had written in our birth plan not to do. Nice, right? Sean saw that happen, I had no idea. In the end, Liam started to make his way out. He had turned and was facing down, however, at some point while he was coming out, he turned to move his shoulder down in the way. He finally popped out, causing a 3rd degree tear, which we feel may have been less without the episiotomy. And with much resistance, Liam Joseph Foege entered this world on December 20, 2012 at 2:29 PM. He was 7 lbs. 14 oz. and 20 inches long. He was also 2 weeks and 2 days late.
But he was here, and he was placed on my chest immediately. He was awake and alert and very aware of what was going on. He cried a bit and just laid with me. I cried a bit, Sean was so happy to see our little guy…we almost forgot we had to name him, maybe because we both knew he was going to be Liam before he came out – we strayed from our rotating names. I felt happy that he was awake and aware of things, felt like the drugs perhaps didn’t have the effect on him that I thought they might have had. In the end, we had a wonderful, healthy baby boy – Sean said he saw something in me change as soon as he was placed on my chest. I know that every time I see Sean look at him, there is a look that I have never seen.
Looking back, there are a million things we would have done different. Could we have put off the induction longer? Could we have denied the second dose of Pitocin? Could we have prevented the episiotomy? Had I been able to labor at home, would I have progressed quicker? What if I wasn’t stuck in bed?
I guess you live and learn right. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful I have an amazing little baby boy that is healthy and happy. I have a family and friends that were concerned about me and my new family. And I got to go through the toughest thing in my life with the man that means that most to me. He didn’t leave my side for the 50 some odd hours of labor and birth. He was there the whole time (unless they made him leave) and put up with sleeping on an uncomfortable chair with his back issue to be there with me. He did everything he could, he spoke up every chance he could and all he wanted was for me not to have pain. He was the most wonderful and supportive coach I could have had and I feel closer to him that I ever have after having gone through this. See, I can explain this to everyone and no one will understand like him, no one else was right next to me during it all. Just him. And while we didn’t want to spend that long in the hospital, I am grateful for the time I got to be with him and the love I felt from him. I am also so grateful for my new family that I have. Liam is a joy, even when he is crying. He reminds me to forget about all these details and enjoy the moment with him. I watch him sleep and eat and look around and I know I am reminded that he is here and he is healthy and happy. And he reminds me that while things didn’t go according to plans, plans are meant to be broken, from here on out.
1.4.2013
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"that was a beautiful blog it made my eyes get all weepy. wow what a birth you should be so proud of yourself to have gone through all of that and going so long with your labor as you did before letting them give you something. I am glad you can get past things not going as planned and be able to enjoy liam. You started out this journey not being sure of who you were or if you could do this. you second guessed yourself and held everything in and cared too much what people thought. and now you ar..." -- JACKIE2002
...but I guess our little guy isn't. And I have no idea why he isn't ready. Maybe he just wants to be special and have his birthday on the same day as mine? Or maybe he is too comfy and cozy, or maybe something is wrong? I dislike all these options, was never a fan of sharing my birthday, but at this point, I am willing to do whatever I can to get him out. See, we planned this great natural child birth, we took classes, we read up on it, we worked hard to make sure everything was lined up. But what we didn't count on was the fact that this little guy might have other plans.
And that gets me worried. What if he won't come out on his own? Right now, the "interventions" they are talking about seem like nothing compared to thoughts of having a c-section. I am so worried that I will not get to have the experience I want, it just makes me upset and frustrated. It makes me wonder what else I should have done or should be doing. I know at the end of the day, all I want is to hold a healthy baby and be healthy myself. I know that is all that matters. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking about what a failure I would be if i don't do this naturally, if they have to go in and take him out, if I need some drugs to get things going. And I know I will not be a failure, I really do...but deep down, I can't stop thinking that. I can't wait to hold my little guy, I really can't. I can't wait to snuggle with him, to hold him close and to feel his body close to mine. I can't wait for all of that - to learn how to feed him, to get him to sleep, to watch Sean hold him and put him to sleep. I really can't wait for any of that.
And I am frustrated by the fact that I have to keep waiting. Why isn't he here yet? Why won't he come and join our world? What is he waiting for? I am waiting for him to be ready, I am ready - I am as ready as I think I can be right now. And he is not. So, yes, my plans have changed - I have no idea what to expect at the doctor tomorrow. Tuesday is the day of induction from what I know - and then that means hopefully by Wednesday I will have a baby. And it is good to remember that all I want is a healthy little buy - but it is also hard to remember that there are certain things I don't have any control over - this being one of them. So, I have to give up on my plans and just let the plan happen as it is supposed to.
But I really want to have the chance to go through labor, to be able to work through my contractions with everything I have learned and to be able to give birth to my baby, not watch it be taken out of me. It seems like I will be being cheated them - cheated out of the experience I have been looking forward to for at least half of my pregnancy, cheated out of the emotional high I would get when knowing the tough act I have just accomplished. And I have to let go of that - I have to open myself up to the million other things that can happen and just let it go. And maybe only when I do that will this little guy come out...
So, maybe that is the plan - just let go, just forget about it all and let go and be happy he is healthy and that I am as well. And look forward to a tiny little baby over the holidays. And just be grateful for the wonderful friends and family I have right now supporting me. And just let go and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen!
12.16.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"Thanks ladies, I am trying to hard to be hopeful that it will still happen according to plan, but I am also very thankful to hear the words of people who have been there and done that! Fingers crossed - a birth story will be up for me soon! And in the end, I will have a healthy baby, which is what matters the most!" -- SMFOEGE11
"I can't believe your still waiting to go. Maybe this is his way of having that mommy baby time before he has to come out and meet everyone. I have had to have both natural and a c section and although i found the recovery a longer process with the section the actual procedure wasn't as bad as i had thought it would be in my mind. It wasn't any less special than any of my other births just different. I still bawled like a baby when i heard their cries and i still felt that overwhelming feeling ..." -- JACKIE2002
"I'm so sorry your feeling this way! I would say what you are feeling is very normal. One thing I have learned about having kids, you can no longer control everything and that removing expectations is the best thing! I wanted a natural birth like you with my first and ended up with a c-section - I was upset and even depressed about it for almost 6 months and it ended up taking away some of my time with my son....if you need to talk please private message me!! I'm sending natural birth vibes and I..." -- KASONSMOMMA82
Yes, tomorrow will be 10 days overdue for me. And at this point, I am 1 cm with about 25% effaced...which means a few appointments ago, when the doctor told me i was 1 cm and 50% effaced, that wasn't true. So, here I sit...waiting, just waiting and wondering why this little guy won't want to come out. At the doctor today, I found out again that he is doing great, i am doing great, all is great, so great he won't come out. And right now I am trying to look at the bright side, I am trying to remember that right now him and I are both super healthy, so that is great...but i am running out of time.
I am going back to the doctor on Monday and at that point, they want to begin to induce, with small doses of pitocin as a last resort to get things going! And all I can think is NO! I have worked too hard to keep him and me in good shape to have drugs pumped in me that I don't want. But I don't think I have much other choice at this point. That will put me at 2 weeks over and they won't let me go any longer than that.
So, now what? I did all I can, I think - sex, orgasms, nipple stimulation, raspberry leaf tea, spicy foods, even castor oil - and nothing! Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, he did drop and I did open up that 1 whole cm! Woo hoo, right? I know I should be happier that everything is fine, and I am - I really am happy that he is good, that I am good, that I can be 10 days overdue and I can still walk for an hour with the dog. i am really happy about that. But how come the rest won't fall into place?
I have visualized myself opening up, I am visualizing myself as a mom, having this little guy in my arms. I really feel like I have done just about everything I can do. So, now I just need to turn my attention away from it all, i need to just let go and let god and the universe decide what will happen. I can't cry about it anymore, I can't blame myself about it anymore, I can just release it all and hope for the best.
I would love to start contractions now, nice and easy and then by the time Sean comes home tomorrow, we can go have a baby, but who knows - some how all of a sudden, this whole plan is so much bigger than I am - than my thoughts and needs are...and I have to just accept that and let that go. And hope for the best - hope he comes naturally, hope he decides to be a part of our lives sooner rather than later and hope that all goes well, in the end, I just want a healthy baby - and I have that, just time to let go and see what happens.
12.13.2012
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Yes, I think these past few days I have been catching up on the crying I didn't do during my pregnancy. Baby was due on Tuesday, and while it is only Thursday (2 days overdue), it seems like my doctors are freaking out more than I am. No changes in my dilation, no contractions yet, nothing really going on except this little guy dropping and seeming to just make himself more and more comfortable.
Of course, there are the obvious reasons I want to have him...I am ready to get this big belly out of my way, I want to hold him, I am ready to move onto the next stage of this journey. And I am ready for Sean to hold him, and watch him with his son. But then there are other reasons, such as me getting back to work in a timely fashion. I know that should be the last thing on my mind right now, I know I shouldn't be too concerned with that, the baby is much more important than anything at work...but it is on my mind. And I am still waiting to hear about the possibility of me working part time from home, Maybe that is stressing me out. Maybe that is holding me back from letting go and having this baby.
I know I said the other day I was just going to let whatever was going to happen, happen. But I also just feel like I am having a hard time of opening up, I guess in regards to my cervix, ha! Maybe I am holding onto this stress about work, which is keeping this guy inside of me. Maybe there are more things I am hiding and not willing to let go of, or open up to. But I still don't feel those things.
Sure, I have had a few not so great days, I feel like the fact that my doctor even mentions induction makes me think all of positive thoughts and feelings about a natural birth are out the window. I then just feel like a failure...like I made such a good home for baby for 9 months that he doesn't want to leave, that means all our natural ideas are gone and it won't work out. I have tried to visualize our perfect birth, the day, how it will happen, and I have done with it a few different situations. And they aren't panning out. So, i want to give up, I want to quit the positive thoughts, I want to just give up, be negative and cry. And it seems to release a bit...let's me just get my emotions out. But I know it isn't good. My dog's reaction to my crying makes me know how not good it is. The dryness of my eyes let's me know how not good it is. But somehow I feel a little better to cry. I let myself be upset a bit about it. And then I work to get over it. Some days are easier than other. And today I am getting over it, I am hopefully done crying for the day, and I am going to turn my attention to something else, not sure what else, but something else. And I am ready to move on, accept that somehow this little guy knows what is best and when to come out....and trust myself and my body and look to the bright side...even if it is hard to find!
12.6.2012
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"i was just thinking about you today. wondering if your little man came yet. sounds like he's being stubborn. i hope he decides to come the way you envision but if he doesn't just remember to keep your mind on the end goal, the finish line. No matter how he get's here when you finally get to look into that gorgeous little face none of that matters. all that matters is that he's there and that he's healthy. just go with the flow and do the best with what your given and im sure we'll be reading a ..." -- JACKIE2002
So, I figure at this point there is nothing else I can do but try to relax this baby out of me! of course, I have read all over that everyone's first kid tends to be late and I guess I was hoping I was an exception to this. I guess I was hoping he would be here by now, but what can you do? I can be worried and wonder why or I can relax and hope that will send some signals to him that is all right to come out, it is safe to come out. My husband seems to think I am just too good of a home for him. And while I have tried to spice him out, maybe he will just come out when he is ready. While it would be great if that was today, it might not be. He will know what is best and so will my body.
I think we are ready for him - we are physically ready for him and I think I am as emotionally ready as I can be. I read somewhere that if your baby hasn't come yet, it might be because you aren't ready for him, deep down. So, maybe today I take some time to explore that. It is strange because I really feel ready. I feel like I am not harboring any deep issues as to why I am not ready. I feel confident Sean and I can figure things out, the best way we know how. I feel that Sean is ready...and even Burton (our dog) is ready for this. Am I just fooling myself into thinking that I am ready for this huge change? Are all of my positive thoughts just covering up something deep down that I can't even get to? Am I really ready for this change to take place?
I feel like it is marathon training - I mean, these past 9 months have been the longest I have trained for anything - even a marathon. And I feel like this is pre-race day...and I am nervous, but telling myself I am confident and that I can do this. Yes, the marathon is just one day, you run it, you are sore for a few days, maybe you take a week off and you get back to your normal life. This might be a little different - I have prepared myself mentally and physically for this baby to join our world. I have envisioned how our life will evolve with our newest little addition. I have thought about how we will take him camping this summer, how it will still be possible to climb and mountain bike. I have already figured out how we will show him the mountains this summer.
But am I just fooling myself? Am I forgetting all the things that go with having a kid? I know it won't be easy, I know every moment won't be like I envisioned it, but I am not nervous or worried about it. I am ready. I am ready for this little guy to join our world, to turn it upside down and for us to be able to share and teach him all the things we love. And to share and grow our love. I am ready for it, so bring on this baby!
12.4.2012
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Yep, that sums it up right now, I am super antsy and impatient waiting for this little guy to be born. I want him to come out and I want to hold him. I want to know that he is healthy. I want to know that the hard work I have been doing has paid off and everything will work out great. And I love the days when I believe that, but today was not one of those days. It was a day to be annoyed at just about everything - and tried as I might, I couldn't get rid of the feeling. I was outside playing with my dog and he wasn't bringing me the ball fast enough so I got mad at him, let him wander away and he was lost for a good 10 minutes. And I cried, and cried and cried. I had no idea what to do, I drove around looking for him, I felt so terrible, after all, I did tell him I didn't care if he ran away. And I came home and I cried more and more. I heard my husband come home and a few clippety clops from the dog on the floor and I ran to him and hugged him and cried some more.
Then off to the doctor. I finally gave in and let her check my cervix, since tomorrow is my due date. I wasn't expecting much, am convincing this little guy is never coming out. I was about 1 cm with my cervix thinned 50%, good progress according to her. Nothing much new according to me. So, that bummed me out. I spent the weekend walking, eating everything spicy, doing whatever I could to get this guy going, but he has other plans I guess. I feel deep down that I am ready and wanting to meet him, but I guess he doesn't feel the same way yet.
Which led to my next breakdown...yep, another one - 2 in one day and they were both good ones! This one started while I was angrily vacuuming out my car. And a headache followed and so did the tears...on and on about how maybe I hadn't been doing everything I could to take care of this baby for the last 40 weeks. About how I ruined the day, etc. The list goes one, but no need to rehash those details.
So, the day went on, I went for a nice long walk with the dog and husband, spent a nice evening with them both and now am ready to go to bed, to wake up another day telling myself that "Today is the day my baby boy will come!" I mean, really, can the day be much worse that today - oh yeah, it can be, husband has to go to work! :( Guess me and the puppy will figure it out. Let's hope for a sunny day and a nice long walk ago - and more positive thoughts to let this baby know it is all right to come into our lives!
12.3.2012
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...yes, I am getting so close, getting to the point were I just can't wait until this little guy gets here. And yes, I am not technically due until Dec. 4, but seems like now is just a good as time as any. So, is it today? Maybe tonight, maybe all this fluttering and moving and "contracting" has been going on long enough that this could be the real thing. Or maybe not, maybe the little guy is just letting me know he is getting close to getting ready. But right now, I am just anxious and excited to meet this little guy.
I want to feel the contractions, i want to know that I can relax through them, I want to be with Sean and have him work with me to get me through the hard parts...and to put me in a relaxed state of mind, to allow this little guy into the world. We can't wait to meet him, to see who he looks like, to count his fingers and toes, to smell him, to hold him, to feed him. I just can't wait! And I am a bit worried me being so excited about it will delay him coming to us. I am going to just keep thinking that he will come soon. Maybe it will be today, maybe it will be tomorrow.
So, what to do now to pass the time? I feel like our house is pretty ready, my meals have been made, the freezer is stocked with plenty of meals, the house is clean...the bags are packed...seemingly short of sanitizing the fridge and freezer and everything else, I am not sure what else i will do. I am done working...maybe Christmas shopping will take place tomorrow, that will pass sometime. I have been well rested, I feel pretty good, I will take a long walk, and I will keep waiting for this little guy to get here.
It is hard to believe that I am getting towards the end of this long journey. And the next step will be starting. I mean, it seems like 40 weeks was going by so fast and so slow at the same time. I remember when I first found out and I was dying to get to the half way point and begin the countdown. And now, here I sit, 39 and a half weeks with this little guy as a part of me - now just waiting until he gets here to turn my life upside down. And there is nothing I can do but wait - of course, I can do all the natural things to induce labor - and I have been...and will keep doing what I can to get this little guy to make his appearance.
But I will also enjoy these last few days with the little guy still as a part of me. Of course, I can't wait to not have a giant belly to tote around - and I can't wait until I can sleep on my back and stomach and turn over without it being a huge chore. But I will miss him being inside of me - growing inside of me, getting strong as a part of me, getting strong because of me. I will miss the kicks and the hiccups and the butt wiggles that I feel him do. So, for the next few days, instead of being anxious and on edge until he gets here, I will take notice of these days and enjoy and remember the amazing journey we have been on - and I will look forward to the next step that is in store for us - and hopefully I will have a birth story to post soon!
11.29.2012
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No, I am not over being pregnant, I have at least a few more weeks. I am over feeling like a victim about it. I don't know what happened this weekend, but I was beaten down. I was tired and feeling and wanted to do nothing but watch TV and lay on the couch. So, that is what I did on Saturday. And while it felt nice, I think it threw me off of how I normally am. I worked a bit on Saturday, was on my feet for a while, so sitting and laying down seemed like a great idea. And with the days getting shorter and it being dark, it seemed more allowed. And Sean was working, so I know that on Sunday, we would be busy, so I was lazy - don't even remember the last time I was that lazy.
Then Sunday rolled around and we slept in and had a nice breakfast. It was windy so we went to fly kites - and almost killed Burton. The day went on with small chores and being outside and enjoying hte day. We finished at Babies R Us to use a gift card and get everything else I think we need. And I finished the day feeling pretty good, which doesn't explain what happened yesterday.
First of all, I didn't sleep well, my stomach was upset and no matter how I laid, it wasn't comfortable. Then I woke up and tried to talk myself out of feeling bad, but it wasn't any good. I had a meeting for my huge fundraiser this weekend during the day. I had to be "on" all day and was just tired! But I did my best and made it through came home from work and tried to regroup again. Well, it worked for a while, until I was silly and got upset at Sean about something so dumb as a freezer meal discussion. He tried to laugh at me, and I laughed for a minute or so and then was back to being upset and mad. Then it was time to run to the doctor and when we made it on time, I felt a bit of relief.
And when she told me I was doing awesome, that helped! When she also told me the baby dropped a lot, that made me pretty happy - that hopefully means we will meet this little guy soon! Then we hit up the store for a few groceries, got some ice cream and headed home. I felt a littlle bad about my minor freakout so I made some cookies for Sean - and for baby! :) I did a little pilates, did some pelvic tilts and felt great. Which reminded me that no matter what I need to do some kind of exercise, I know it always helps.
Then, laying in bed, I was feeling upset a bit again and I decided I would tell Sean how I felt. His back is still bad and I hate that. I hate that he is in pain and can't do all the things he wants to do. I selfishly don't like that he is in pain because I feel guilty about complaining about things, and asking for things. So, I told him this a few other things - and the best part - he was sleeping, so he didnt' feel bad about it! That wasn't my plan, my plan was to get it off my chest and pretty much realize I was falling victim to my pregnancy. I have done a great job of not doing that for 37 weeks, so I think now is a terrible time to start. And if I never said those things to him, I never would have realized that was happening. So, yay for me - yay for not being a victim anymore - I woke up feeling great, knowing I have about 5 more days of hard work before I wrap up and go on maternity leave. Knowing all the things I want to and have to get done at home, I just need to keep on track and all of htis will be great. And I need to chill out, because even if I htink I have everything done like I want it done and ready - it won't be! Time to work on being chill and flexible! So, I am over it, over being a victim, ready to tackle these last few weeks like a champ until baby gets here! There that's a whole new blog, I am guessing!
11.13.2012
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"your on the home stretch not to much longer and you'll be holding your little man in your arms. Just thought id share with you that with my working out until 20 weeks before the doc said i had to stop and eating fairly clean i ended up gaining a total of 50 lbs. 30 of that came off right after delivery and as the swelling and water retention went down the rest melted off. I haven't got cleared to start working out again and have just been eating healthy and have lost all my baby weight, this has..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, that was today and I swear I just hate going to the doctor, so having to go as often as I have been going is making me crazy. So, the tech did some measurements, everything seemed pretty normal, this little guy is just that, I guess, pretty little. He is 5 pounds and 10 oz., which sounds big, especially since we have a few more weeks in there, but that puts him in the 31 percentile. Nothing to worry about, they say. Then she finishes measuring things, says a few things and nothing too much seemed like a big deal. Seemed like an unnecessary ultrasound if you ask me, but whatever.
Then I met with a new doctor - oh yeah, I switched to the Midwives Practice last week, nothing like waiting until the last minute, right? ANyways, I met with a new doctor who seemed nice and was surprised and how small I looked. Funny, to me, I am surprised at what I cow I seem to be! She went over the ultrasound and commented I was a little low on my amniotic fluid - it should be a 10, I am an 8. Then proceeded to talk to me a bit about relaxing. I was proud of myself and I spoke up and asked if I shouldn't climb or go running or things like that. She was again impressed I was still climbing, but did mention I should just take it down a notch. Done, I think I do that - go there, climb some easier stuff and not push myself. And the plan is to take longer walks and not run, which is a little bummer, but I will do it. And to keep drinking plenty of water.
I hate that one some days, I am so good at that. And other days, I could totally forget about it. Oh well, I will do what I can, I guess! I have a huge work event on November 17 and I know once that is done, I will have nothing to worry about. I don't feel stressed out about anything, just aware things are going on, things I need to get done and this little guy just seems to be loving the ride. I went to a concert last night and I swear, he danced all night long!
Just feeling a bit stressed about time off, how to make all that work, when I will come back to work and all that. I found out today that next year we will only be getting 12 sick days instead of 20. Kind of a bummer, but at least I was able to use those 20 this year for maternity time! I was stressing a bit about coming back to work and when I will do that, and how it will all work out. Safe enough to say it was a freakout. I cried a bit, I tried so hard to calm down with some deep breathes, but it didnt' work, it only got better when I got to talk to Sean. I didn't want to listen to his reasoning and my tone was a bit mean at some points, but I just let go of it and let him take control. After all, that is what will happen when I am in labor...I have to let him take over, give up control - something I am NOT very good at! But something I will figure out and make work, or keep working on over the next few weeks.
Eek, just a few more weeks to meet this little guy - I can't wait, I just want him to be here, and be healthy so I can put any other silly thoughts to rest, but I guess this is just the beginnning - I guess this is the start of me worrying about him for the rest of my life, right?
Hmm...so be it...but for now, no worrying, just wondering on when he will be here, what he will look like, how tiny or big he will be...wondering how Burton will get along with him...wondering if I will remain as calm as I am thinking I will as a mom - wondering how what I will feel when I first hold him and first see Sean hold him. And all of that makes the rest of the worries seem to just go away! So, here we go - moving forward with more wonder and less worry! There is enough time for that after all of this anyways!
11.8.2012
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....28 days until this little guy is due. Of course, it would be great if he just listened and came out on December 1, but you know, that would just be too perfect. So, today sounds like a good day to imagine my perfect birth day for this little guy.
December 1 is a Saturday and Sean will hopefully not be working that day. I will wake up feeling a little different, but knowing that something would happen. We wake up nice and early due to some contractions. Since they aren't too strong or too close, we decide to go to Tres Kroner, our favorite breakfast place. I would have my usual but also have a cinnamon roll - they always look so good - I know I need to eat for what is in store for me for the rest of the day. We would then get home, the contractions would still be happening, but still not bad enough for me to want to stay home. It is a great day out, a little dusting of snow has fallen and Burton really wants to play. We bundle up and head out to the dog park to let him play, after all, it will be a long day for all of us and the more exercise he has, the better.
By the time we get home, the contractions are a little stronger, however, I still feel like I am able to do things and I want to keep doing things. So, we walk around the block some more and enjoy the snow that is still falling. Finally, I decide it may be time for Burton to head to Dot and Papa's, since I will labor at home and I read dogs might be affected by labor. So, my parents come by to pick up Burton and bring with a few things for us to munch on...I am still pretty full for breakfast, and as my contractions increase, I know that I will need energy to push this little guy out soon enough. So, Burton is gone, the house is just Sean and I, he has done a great job of getting things in the car and getting me ready to go, when I think I am ready to go. My contractions get to be a bit stronger, but I am feeling really relazed and remembering all the ways I learned to stay relaxed. Sean reminds me of my mountain top view, or the lake to myself...he rubs my back and eases my fears. The contractions pick up quite quickly and get more intense, we decide it is probably time to go. He sends out the first text - we are on our way to the hospital! I am excited to meet Baby Foege soon, however, I am working on staying relaxed. The contractions are more intense and the time between them has decreased. I am working hard to stay relaxed. We get to the hospital, leave the car and get me to labor and delivery. I check in, they monitor the baby, the put my IV lock and we get situated.
I find myself in the shower, getting a great deal of relief from the warm water and Sean being with me. As the time nears, I get out of the shower, the baby is ready to meet us! I work hard to stay relaxed (kind of an oxymoron!), to listen to my body, to know when I feel the need to push. And it all works as I had planned. I push with my breaths and feel more and more at ease as Baby Foege begins to enter the world. I think about the last 40 weeks, how I have felt him move, the emtions I felt about him, the excitement I am looking forward to in holding him...and before I know it, Baby has made his way into the world. A healthy baby boy! And Sean and I are thrilled. Baby is placed on my stomach and he cries, making his way towards us to see us. It's done, I think....he is out - he is here, all my fears are put into place and he is happy and healthy.
So, that's my ideal - now, let's see how it actually goes! I am ready, though, well, mostly. I have to pack my bag, but baby's bag is packed...and I couldnt' be more excited to meet this little guy. Let's hope he is just as excited to meet us as we are to meet him!
11.6.2012
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...yes, today is a new day. Yesterday was a bad day, a terrible day as a matter of fact. I am not even sure I want to go into all the horrible details, however, I do know that I was not at my best as a person, as a wife and probably even as a mom at this point. I was down and feeling like giving up on everything - and it just wasn't a good day to choose that. So, rather than go into it all, I will sum up what I learned. I am not a terrible person, I am not a jerk, I am not a seflish b*tch. I am human and I can make mistakes, I do slip up and I do fall down. So, today is the test, do I stay down and sulk or do I get up and fight back? Do I get up and show myself that I don't need to be whining and crying about everything and anything? Do I toughen up my skin and prepare for another bad day around the corner - and remember how to handle it all better? Or do I curl up in a ball and give in? Do I let these last 5 weeks take over and combine all the emotional breakdowns I was supposed to have in that time period?
NO! NO! NO! I get up, I fight back. I go back to being tough and being strong, for me, for Sean and for the baby. I get up and work hard to make sure we are as ready as we can be for the baby. I work on myself so I can know that the times when he just won't stop crying, I can handle it. I can know that sometimes I can't fix everything. I want to fix it all, i want to fix Sean, I want to make sure baby is happy and healthy, I want to fix it all. But the reality is that that might not be possible. I am not a doctor, I can't know how to fix all things, but I can believe. I can believe that it will all work out.
See, I gave up on that yesterday...I fell down, hard and I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay down and bring everyone down with me. I was done with trying to find the silver lining, I was done with looking on the bright side. Something was against me, and I didn't want to fight it anymore. I sunk my head low and I gave in and cried, a lot. I yelled and got angry...and what did it do? Did it make me feel any better? Did it make anyone else feel better? Nope, it just made it all worse - so much worse, for me, for Sean, for everyone. And that's not fair, that's not who I am.
So, today is a new day. I woke up feeling a little crabby and crappy still, got in the shower, still not feeling great, and then I got the most wonderfu surprise in the world, a little poke from Sean, who got out of bed to see me, and tell me he missed me, and also go to the bathroom...ha. Most likely, the real reason was the last, but regardless, it turned my whole view around. I realized that everything will be all right, we will figure things out, we will be together in the end, and to me, that is all that matters. After my shower, I laid down and let Sean listen to baby's heartbeat...and I cuddled a few extra minutes and gave a few extra kisses...and was late to work, but it was all worth it. Every moment I had with Sean this morning made me forget about all the bad things I was thinking and feeling last night. It reminded me of what was important - that I have the most amazing person next to me through this crazy journey we are going through - and he has been nothing but amazing. And it will be my job to help make sure he knows this each and every day in some way, because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we do, it matters who we are with, and I couldn't imagine any of this happening in my life with anyone but Sean.
11.1.2012
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"Thanks Jackie! I appreciate your kind words and it is great to have someone else tell me what they think, I tend to be pretty hard on myself! Hope all is going well with your little ones!" -- SMFOEGE11
"That is so sweet. It is so nice that you had that chance to do that in the morning.
Sometimes after baby comes and thing are all different you can forget about that kind of love and feel like you can't even look at your other half cause your just so angry or tired or overwhelmed, ect. (it's quite normal a lot of women feel that, maybe all the hormones)
But it is nice you have this blog that if you ever do feel like that you can go back and look at to remind you and put things back in pers..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, just 5 more weeks until the baby is here. It hardly seems like anytime after the 35 weeks we have already been through, however for some reason, these last few weeks have been dragging on. I am ready for baby to get here! I am getting excited and anxious to meet this little guy. But I have to be patient. I have been pretty lucky these past 35 weeks, I have had a few emotional breakdowns - still a number I don't think is too many, but it would be best to ask Sean, ha! I have not been sick or had much pain and the squirmy baby reminds me quite often that he is in there and doing well - starting his active lifestyle already! I have been able to get one with most acitivities I enjoy and haven't missed out on too much, except an awesome summer of mountain biking. But that's for antoher time! I don't feel like I am swollen and while I have gained well over 40 pounds, most days, I don't feel like that at all, which is a bit strange, if you ask me.
However, things are catching up with me a bit. My right hip is bothering me quite a bit, hoping today's pilates will take care of that. My back is getting a bit sore and I am feeling a bit more needy. And I am not sure if I just want to milk being pregnant for as long as I can, or if I really need more. LIfe is busy, it almost is like there isn't time to slow down and enjoy these last few weeks. It almost feels like I am in a rush to make sure baby fits into my schedule and my time off. And I am aware of how unrealistic that is...but it can't hurt to dream, right?
So, that's what I do at night, well, most nights. I dream about the day he will come and say hi to us. I dream about how perfect the day will be. I dream about how much I will love this little creature that grew inside of me. I dream about going to the hospital, having the baby and holding him for the first time. I dream about how I will make it through labor, with Sean's support...how I will work hard to have this baby naturally in a way we have desired. I dream about the first time Sean gets to hold him. I look forward to bringing him home, to Burton meeting him, to watching him sleep. I look forward to waking up a million times to feed him. I look forward to working hard to make sure I can breastfeed successfully. I look forward to our lives being turned upside down with this little guy, but doing our best to handle it. I am happy we are both working hard to get the house as organized as we can before he gets here so that when he gets here, things have a place. I look forward to holding the baby, cuddling, kissing and rocking with him. I look forward to Burton curling up by the rocking chair to make sure everything is all right. I look forward to walks and runs and bike rides with everyone.
And that puts me to sleep. The nights I envision the most relaxing parts of all of this are the nights I get to sleep for 6 hours or so, all in a row, without getting up to look at the clock. The nights I go to bed with too much on my mind, are the nights I am up every few hours, tossing, turning, grunting, complaining about the dog or whatever. So, I have 5 weeks to get sleep - sleep which will most likely not ever be the same after the baby is born. Since I know how to get the best sleep, I plan on doing that each night before i go to bed. Even if Sean isn't there, I can relax and work through it. After all, baby and I deserve a good night sleep!
10.30.2012
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Yes, today has been a bit of a struggle. I think I am getting to the point where I am getting uncomfortable if I don't take really good care of myself. If I eat just a little bit off, if I dont' get all my water or protein in, I am thinking I am really affected by it. And that is a bummer, in a way, because I am getting more tired, but not sleeping as well as I have been and feeling like sitting around more than doing all the things I need to do. I feel like I am having a hard time knowing when to rest by listening to my body or knowing when to get up and get moving and stop being lazy. I guess that is where my struggle is right now. I want to do things, I really do. But when I get home from work, I am just tired. I am not feeling like getting moving to clean the house, to take the dog out or to exercise.
So, what do I do? Do I just give in and use these last few weeks of this pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy? While that sounds good, I also know I dont' feel as good when I am lazy. I am getting tired of sitting around and watching TV. I am doing what I can to get the baby's room ready, which I feel pretty good about. I guess I shouldnt' be so hard on myself. I think I should just cut myself some slack and do my best to remember that I feel better when I am doing things, even if it is just a simple walk or sitting on my exercise ball instead of lounging on the couch. So, I will keep up my activity. I will keep myself moving and doing things. And I will also take a break if I think I need one.
But for now, back to being awesome - back to thinking that I can do just about anything during this pregnancy, time to hit the climbing gym again soon. Time to get out and walk the dog, or just myself. Time to keep up the pilates 3 days a week, no excuses on that. Time to do my arm work out on the other days and my legs pilates on those days as well. Time to keep working hard and making sure I am as ready as I can be for this baby. The more prepared I am now, the more freezer meals, the cleaner and more organized the hosue, the better all of this will be once this little guy gets here. I am just going to keep working on relaxing myself, my thougths and the general feeling of our lives - all that will be better in the end. Now, the question is - how do I successfully keep all of my feelings and emotions calm during this stressful time - guess that is a great goal to have! Not just for the baby, but for after the baby comes and the rest of our lives!
10.25.2012
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Yes, we passed our Bradley Class with flying colors! Sean got his card and I really feel like this last class was the most beneficial, maybe because we were the only ones there, but I think we got a lot of useful information about having the baby and about after the baby gets there. And it got me really excited.
Talking about all the challenges I will face in labor and how hard it will be hard - and how much all of it depends on how I handle it with Sean - yeah, all of that got me really excited! It was like I was taken back to marathon training days and I was remembering how hard it was to get up and do my 20 mile runs, but at the end, I knew it was best. Well, now I am in the home stretch, the taper time, so to speak. And the event is almost here! And I just have to keep working and keep getting myself ready.
But I am excited to tackle the challenges ahead of me, I am excited to work hard to relax, sounds funny, to work through the pain and have a drug and intervention free labor. I am so excited to hold my baby that hasn't been drugged and watch as he tries to latch on and bond with me. I am excited to work hard to make sure he breast feeds and that we are both successful at making him as healthy as we can. I am excited to bring him home and cuddle him and dress him in his cute little outfits, lay him in his crib to sleep, or lay him with us to sleep. I am excited to take cute newborn pictures of the little guy with Sean, and with me, and with Burton. I am excited to start this next chapter - this 40 weeks has probably been the longest I have trained for anything in my life and I feel like I am ready for it. I am confident and sure of myself and feeling great.
And I am also remembering that life has a funny way of throwing suprises in the mix to try and knock me down - I am prepared to get back up as much as I need to - after all, I can't be doing that awful as long as I keep getting up!
10.23.2012
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"that's great i hope you get your birth plan and everything goes smoothly. after having to get a c section i don't regret it because both my babies are here safe and healthy but i honestly missed the experience that natural birth gives you. It's such a wonderful experience. i found that the section was less interactive and a lot harder recovering from." -- JACKIE2002
Geesh, where does the time go? I mean, I feel like I have been pregnant for a long time, and I dont' really feel like the time is flying by, but I guess when you are counting and waiting for something, that might make a difference. So, here I am, 6 more weeks to and starting to feel a bit yucky. I woke up this weekend feeling not well each day, which wasn't that great since it was my shower and a family packed weekend. But I survived, even got myself motivated enough to start to tear off tags of clothes and start to get some of the baby's things washed. I know I will feel so much better when I can make up the room, unpack the boxes and get everything settled into a place. I feel like we had such a nice clean house and then the shower exploded! But again, a few days of working on that, a few loads of laundry and I will feel pretty good about everything, I think and I hope!
Sean has been going a great job of working to get the house in order - having visitors over the past weekend was a great motivation to clean! We both are trying to keep things in order as best as we can. A few weeks ago, we started a basic chore schedule and it seems to be working pretty well. Of course, I am finding reasons to put things off, but I am hoping the more in a habit I am of cleaning the bathrooms on Tuesday, the easier it will be to do that once the baby gets here.
Speaking of the baby getting here - holy moly, there will be a baby here in 6 weeks or so! I have 6 more weeks of drinking enough water, of doing my pilates 3 times a week, of making sure that I keep doing my kegel and pelvic tilts, or climbing with a giant belly, of groaning each time I need to roll over at night, of making sure I am not laying on my back (I can't wait to lay on my back again!!), of having another living creature inside of me!
How crazy is that - first, that there is a living, moving baby inside of me and that in just 6 weeks, this baby that has been a part of me for almost a year will be no longer inside of me. It makes me excited to know that Sean will get to hold him and feel him move and not just me. I feel almost selfish that I get to feel him move inside and have the baby with me all the time...I am happy I get to share him and Sean can start to feel all the things I feel with him! I am sure this will feel even stranger as I get more giant and as the end gets closer. But for now, I just have to focus on making sure I am eating right, drinking my water and staying active. I have been pretty successful at getting on with my life while carrying this baby and I dont' want to start getting lazy now! Now is the time to keep up all the hard, or all the hard work will be lost! I know I don't want that!
So, now I look to keep my pilates at 3 times a week, at least - for sure no less than that. If that means I skip lunch with co-workers, so be it! I need to take care of me and baby and that is the final word on that. Me and baby matter most, and I right now, baby matters more than me - so all I do, is to make sure baby has a great birthday and all will go as planned!
10.22.2012
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Yes, this weekend is finally the shower. It is a bit more involved than I cared for it to be - I just wanted to sit around, have ice cream sundaes, hang out, open presents and that is pretty much all. But my mom had other ideas and I guess I didnt' have much say in it. Made me a little annoyed at first, however I got over it, she did most of the work, so not a big deal. I am excited to see people and get things for the baby to be able to finish up his room!
Yesterday my parents came over and help put up some shelves that look so great. And the crib and dresser are in the room. Now we are just waiting for a few more things, a book case, me to clean out some more closet for him, a few touch up paint jobs...and we are set. I am excited to see the room come together, just seems more real when the crib is in there, and I am sure will seem even more real once the sheets and such are in there - all of which we are hopefully getting this weekend!
It still all seems a little unreal to me - even though I feel him moving like crazy, and the day is getting closer, it just seems all not real still. I mean, I am huge, feeling like a cow, but still getting on with life without major issues. I am dying to sleep on my tummy and back - I was so jealous of Sean yesterday who went to the chiropracter and got to lay on his stomach with heat on his back - not that i needed it, but I would LOVE to lay on my stomach. I am also ready to be done getting bigger and start the journey to getting back to myself, but I know that is still a few weeks away. But all that said, it still doens't feel real. Perhaps it will feel more real after this weekend, after I get to put things away, organize and such. Perhaps it won't feel real until this little guy in here...but for now, just getting excited about the weekend, seeing everyone, friends and family and just enjoying the attention, rather than pushing it off on someone else!
10.18.2012
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Yes, I am at the point where I am getting REALLY excited to meet our little guy. I had an appointment today and all seems to be going well - good blood pressure, weight gain was all right, heart beat was good, everything seemed to just be good. Even better, at this point, this little guy has already decided to put his head down (let's hope it stays there!). And I am excited, excited to see him when he is born, excited to see him dressed in his cute little outfits, excited to work to feed him and care for him, excited to see how Sean and I handle the new responsibilities we have. I can only hope it can involve as much happiness and laughing (with fewer freakouts from me) that is has brought to us so far.
See, my joke these days is what a cow I am....and Sean has been more than happy to jump on board and begin the mooing with me. Which is good. I mean, yes, I am tired of this belly, tired of gaining weight and I want nothing more than to put on a kick butt workout and sweat like I haven't sweat in months. But in the meantime, I might has well have some fun with what is going on with me. The getting giant as a cow part - going cow walking or cow climbing...I have to have fun with it or it will make me crazy right now. So, for now the mooing will continue and the laughs will as well. And the excitement will grow and I will be happy to meet this little guy. I am no longer concerned who will deliver him, I am moreso concerned with the fact that he will be here, in our arms in just 7 weeks. And the thought of that, of a little bundle of love joining our already loving house, makes me really smile...not just that fake smile that make people leave you alone, but that real smile that make people wonder what you are up to. THat's the smile I hope for have for the next 7 weeks...or at least until this little guy gets here!
10.15.2012
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...and boy, my head has been in the wrong place. I have had WAY too busy of a few weeks at work and haven't been in a good routine of eating and working out - and it is affected my thoughts - making me think I am lazy and failing again. But I am hoping to turn that all around this weekend and over the next few weeks. I work tomorrow and then after that, I get a break, a breather to catch up on things that I will miss while I am gone, a chance to take a few days off to spend time with family and work on the baby's room....and of course, the baby shower - which I am really excited about!
I freaked out last night/yesterday. I was at the dog park, Burton wasn't listening, and it just started to all crumble. I was a loser, I couldn't manage my dog, I was feeling needy and kinda lazy and tired and just BLAH! And I cried about it, way too much! And complained about it, and freaked out that maybe I am not ready for this, maybe Sean and I haven't practiced enough, maybe I will not be able to relax since I always feel like I have to force the relaxation on him...and blah, blah, blah. It was terrible. I hate thinking those things, I hate feeling those things and I hate even more saying those things!
So, today I woke up and decided I have a choice. I can give in and I can let this baby take control of the next few weeks, and I can get myself worked up and cry and whatnot. Or I can go back to how I started this pregnancy. I can go back to thinking I am doing awesome and kicking these changes in the butt. And I can go back to keeping on with my normal life, running, climbing, being active...after that, that is why I have felt as good as I did. It has to be. I will eat right, I will not give in to the thoughts of it all right to be lazy. I will listen to myself and rest when I think I need it. I will take care of me. This is the home stretch, this is taper time (training for many marathons....), this is the time to buckle down and now all the hard work I have done so far has paid off and believe that it will help when Baby Foege is ready to join us. This is NOT the time to give in and be lazy. This is the time to continue to organize my life BEFORE baby gets here, and make some meals to store in the freezer. And clean and get things where they should be. And to relax, because as perfect as I want to make everything, all that matters is a happy and healthy baby - and the best way to get that is a happy and healthy mommy - and the best way for that - keep on moing.
My head knows I can do this - my body WILL follow! That is my mantra for the next 8 weeks....8 weeks....eek, so crazy! So exciting, so fun! I can do this, my body will listen!
10.12.2012
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So, yeseterday was 31 weeks. And you think at a point like this, I would know where and who will be delivering my baby. And yet, I have NO idea. My doctor is all right, but there is a part of me that just doesn't feel comfortable with him. Perhaps I have seen a few too many documentaries on the subject and perhaps I am too jaded about the medical system, but part of me fears that he will just take over and do what he wants. Not what I want.
So, then what? Midwives are our next option, but I can't get a meeting with anyone until October 22...which seems really close to the day this little guy will get here. Sure, it is more than a month, but still, seems like not enough time to really make a decision.
Or a home birth? There is probably one place in the area that MIGHT come out to where we are to do a home birth. We are waiting to hear back from them.
Or a birthing center that is quite a drive away? That is still an option, I think we both forgot about it because when we went for a tour, we sat in traffic and didn't make it. I would prefer my baby not be born on 290 stuck in traffic, however, in a way, it would be fitting.
So, what do we do? I feel like this is something that should get figured out sooner rather than later and we are trying...just stunk that it took us so long to sit down with our birth plan and our doctor to get his feel on things. Sure, he says most things we want are fine, however he also disagrees with a few things we feel strongly about - and was almost a little rude about a few things. Not to mention I only see him a handful of times before I am supposed to feel comfortable and trust him. I don't know. I am sure it is more about what nurses I get, but when they are all overworked and underpaid, how am I supposed to feel comfortable walking into that situation. Our Bradley teacher mentioned we take cookies when we present our birth plan. Great idea, but really? I am paying a crap load of money to this hospital to deliver my baby (and not even really do anything but catch the baby) and I have to bring you cookies to let you do it my way.
So, maybe a home birth is the way to go....I guess we are in a holding pattern for now...but I also find it quite silly that insurance won't cover a home birth - nope, they will only pay a crazy amount of money to hospitals to do things that aren't necessary. Yeah, guess I am really leaning more towards a home birth, especially since Sean is on board a bit more now. So, we will see, I am sure I will keep you posted and I look forward to the most amazing experience, no matter where or how it happens!
10.3.2012
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"i can understand how you feel. I have had doctors try to push a c section on me and for me i have no issues giving birth naturally so it didn't make sense to me why they would want to force something that isn't needed. This pregnancy with the twins i am glad i have a doctor who is on board with what i want makes it so much easier. he said i could wait and see if i will be able to go natural before we even consider a c section or any intervention. So it does help he is willing to let me try my w..." -- JACKIE2002
Each day that goes by in another day baby is getting bigger and growing stronger. It is also another day closer to the baby actually being here. I mean, sure, I knew there has been a little miracle inside of me now for 31 weeks, and feeling him makes it even more real. But then taking a minute to think about it, to really think about him being here, the birth, the labor, the delivery, the moments after birth, the first trip home, the first time we walk into our house with our baby, the first time Burton nuzzles him in a cute way, the first time Burton gets yelled at for being too rough...so many firsts around the corner, but such exciting firsts. When I starting writing all those things, I thought it was going to lead to me being minorly nervous, anxoius and worked up. However, as I typed all those things, I felt a sense of calm come over me.
I felt like I didn't need to freak out about anything, about what if we do something wrong in the birth, about what if I forget to breath or relax when I am supposed to, about all of that. I don't need to worry. I just have to believe that everything will work out. I don't need to worry. I can wonder instead. I was reading a book that talked about turning worrying into wondering - it was the best lesson I have gotten since I started reading about having a baby. I wonder how I will handle the contractions. I wonder if Sean will be around when I first feel one. I wonder how I will get to the hospital if he isn't around. I wonder when this baby will show his cute little face. I wonder how long it will take him to get used to breast feeding. I wonder how I will react when I have this little baby boy in my arms. And all of those thoughts make me smile. I don't worry anymore...worrying gets you no where helpful, usually. But wondering - there are so many possibilties with wondering - so many ways to think about what can happen, in a good way. There are just so many ways to smile and wonder instead of worry and frown. So smiling and wondering for me today - thinking forward to the next few weeks of getting the baby's room done and putting finishing touches on it, washing and putting away all the little clothes, the shower, seeing everyone so excited for us. So much looking forward to an amazing journey over these next few weeks and keeping the wondering up - and pushing the worrying away.
10.1.2012
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We were at our birthing class last night and were watching a video of a baby being born. And well, I know I have seen it before, but suddenly seems like the Alien way of doing things seems better. My husband also made me recenly watch Alien, nice, eh? Anyways, I left the class feeling defeated, feeling like I was going to fail, feeling like maybe I can't do this natural as I have planned, maybe I am not as awesome as I think I am. And on top of that, we chatted more with our class about our birth plan and doctor and most seem to agree he might just be agreeing with me and not really on board. And that isn't going to work for me.
But for now, back to the video - it was pretty amazing to watch this woman stay so calm during the birth. I compared myself to her and thought there is no way I can stay that calm. There is no way I can breath and relax when I am in intense amounts of pain. I am used to working through pain, pushing through it, not relaxing it away. But I have been working on it. During some of my workouts, I am worked on not clenching my jaw and tightening up, I have worked on relaxing. And it really has helped. I really feel more relaxed overall. But still, can I handle this as well as she did, or even a fraction of as well as she did? Can I stay calm and laugh with Sean while all of this is going on? Or will I freak out, will I give up and give in? I have done such a good job most of this pregnancy to think positive, think about how awesome I will do in labor and as being a mom, how great our life will be and how we will keep being so active when our little guy is here. But for some reason last night, after class, those thoughts were erased.
They were erased by all the fears I mentioned above, by more fears - what if I can't deliver this baby naturally, what if things happen and they take me away for a c-section, what if I want to quit, what if the pain is too much or I am too tired or I am too scared. What if I don't remember what to do? What if...and the questions kept coming...what if Sean can't be there, what if I am alone during all of this (which leads me to discover I need a back up in case Sean isn't there)...what if I don't know what I need from Sean during these times, how will he know what to do if I can't tell him? And at that moment, he took my hand and told me to close my eyes. And he did just what I needed him to do, he "talked me down, " so to speak. He stepped in the role he will be doing on the day i go into labor and he was amazing. And he calmed me down. And made me feel better. And eased away my tension. And told me to keep thinking I was awesome, how great I will do, how tough I am, how he has never known me to be a quitter.
And that was all I needed. I needed to know all those things, but I also needed to know that I would listen to Sean's words. I have a bad habit of brushing off compliments, of not taking the time to really accept them...and I was also worried that was going to happen in labor. Would I really believe him when he says I am doing a great job - or will I be annoyed because I think I can do better? But last night, on the way home, as I realized all the pain and unpleasant that are possible from having this baby, I couldn't ask for a better coach, for a better husband, friend and father by my side. I will continue to work on hearing Sean's words and not just listening to what he has to say, because I know deep down he will be doing what is best for me. I trust him with my whole life and this just takes that another step further.
So, while reality is setting in, I am going to keep thinking I am going to be awesome, going to keep thinking I am going to kick this labor in the butt, I am going to have an amazing little baby boy in my arms, and I am going to be a great mom to him and continue to be a great wife to my husband. I am going to wake up each day and think I am more awesome than I was the day before - and yesterday I wasn't sure I could handle labor - now I know I can, with the help of my amazing coach, Sean!
9.25.2012
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"that's great your remaining positive and he was able to step into that role to reassure you he will be able to do it when the time comes. I know it's easy to worry about all the what if's but really it's doesn't do any good to worry about the things you can't control (easier said than done sometimes) every birth is different and it may not go to a tee to your birth plan and maybe it will but the end result will be the same a healthy beautiful baby boy and once you have him in your arms all that..." -- JACKIE2002
...yep, being patient and thinking positive finally worked! It really did! Sean's car works - which is the best news ever, he fixed it and hopefully by the end of the week it will be out of my garage and running again (which is a must - there is no way a pregnant lady should be outside scrapping windows!). And then he got a call for a different job interview - not that it will be perfect, or he will get it, but even he said his luck might be turning around. Hooray! That is the attitude and vibe I need right now.
Today I am feeling good, but I have been having a few rough nights, tough breathing and falling asleep and just feeling like a cow. It is a good remidner to make sure I drink enough water and eat right, why is that so hard to do on the weekends! But it was a great weekend. I got to have a really fun night with my mom, went out to dinner, did a bit of shopping and was able to just feel comfortable about anything I wnated to talk about. It is such a great comfort, especially since my sister is kind of letting me down in my support system, but that is another blog for another day. It is great to know how close I am with my mom, especially now that baby is coming.
THen I don't really know what happened on Saturday, we did some more painting, some kite flying ,some hanging out with friends. Sunday was a busy day, I worked a few hours in the morning, got home and we went shopping, I got a few colder weather items that fit me, took care of some groceries and a few other things. But when I came home from work, i was happy to see that Sean painted the mountains on the wall in the nursery and they look amazing! I can't wait until we finish. It is such a good feeling to have that at least underway. Now, we just have to paint the ceiling, trim and doors. THen, my dad is goign to come by and help put up a shelf around the room for little trinkets and such. And then we will be able to get settled in the baby's room! I can't wait!
Then, Sean's family came over for a slight surprise of a hang out time and it was fun - and I handled the stress of having 2 little children running around our messy house and finding things too cook for dinner. And finding our dog that was let out and not watched. ANd I handled ALL of it very well! Typically situations like that get me stressed and make me upset, angry and cry. However, I was happy that I took it all in stride, just took the day as it happened and rolled with the punches. Sure, I would loved to finished up a few more things in the baby's room, but we also had a really nice visit.
And all of that makes me feel grateful, grateful for the friends and family we do have, not the ones that aren't taking part in this great journey of ours. Grateful to have such an amazing husband who stuck through some hard times and can see the sunshine a little clearer now. Grateful to have a house over my head that I love, especially now that it is coming together with baby's room. Grateful to love and be loved, it's like feeling the sun from both sides and after all, what is better than that! So, I will re-read this part when I am down and out and the next few weeks get rough, but I will do it! I will stay positive, I will think good things will happen over the next 10 weeks and I will think about how great it will be have a little baby to share our lives with. Staying positive it hard, but so worth it - so go ahead, what are you grateful for?
9.24.2012
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...yep, still feeling pretty all right, which is great, I am really grateful for it, however it is slightly concerning. Perhaps I should be more freaked out about the fact that the baby's room isn't done - or even close...or that I don't know what will happen with the baby when I got back to work...or I wonder how we can afford the new baby, some days we are barely making ends meet. But I guess I also wonder what all that worrying can do. Yes, we can plan for when the baby comes, but to be honest, we have no idea what to expect! Our life may very well continue on to be a bit similar, still taking adventures, just planning more, still doing most of the things we love to do and the things that make us who we are. But then again, that might not happen. We might stop doing those things - at least for a while, until we figure out what to do with the little baby that is coming.
So, am I just naive in not worrying about those things? Or is it better to just think about all the things we will do with baby and how we will make it happen. I feel like the second option is better, but am I forgetting and missing out on figuring out important things living in my day dream land of our summer vacation next year to Colorado. I don't know, I think lately I have been trying to worry less about things - after all, worrying won't do me any good, it will just make me more nervous, anxious and upset. That doesn't seem to be a good thing for the baby. Happy mommy means a happy baby, right? I guess if that is the case, how come there aren't more articles on that - on ways to keep yourself and your family happy while you are going through this. How come there isn't a manual on how to be happy during this time when crazy things are happening - or maybe there is and I haven't found it. But overall, I feel happy, sure, some things kinda suck a bit, but at the end of the day, I got to bed with a smile, dreaming of waking up with my little guy, having my husband next to me and our dog with us. I dream about how different our weekend morning cuddles will be and it makes me smile, not miss what I do have. I feel like my outlook has been pretty good - probably because I have felt great during this pregnancy, and I am proud of myself in those moments.
Then I have the moments were I want to quit - where I go to the doctor only to hear I shouldn't gain so much weight, to leave being more confused about how to bring my baby into this world that I was before I got to the appointment...where we spend all weekend working on the baby's room only to find out the paint we got was too crappy to work...wanted to just give up, toss in the towel, have a pity party, maybe cry and little and hopefully move on. But nope, I am working on having none of that quitting going on, I am working on keeping my head up in those times and getting to the grocery store to get plenty of fruits and veggies to ear, getting out to get some fresh air, to feel the sunshine and keep myself and baby moving. And I have been pretty successful. It helps, in a way, that Sean hasn't been feeling good, it's almost like I shoudln't feel bad when he does, so his feeling bad, turns me around and makes me see that I can feel good. It has been a bummer he has not been feeling good, and I hope it leaves him soon - I hope we can figure out what is wrong so we can fix it before baby comes.
I know in the beginning I struggled A LOT with all the changes that were happening to me, all the things I coudln't do, I was focused on a lot of negatives and he knew that. And that affected him and I dislike how my actions and thoughts made him feel. So, know all I can do is the opposite, I can talk about how excited I am about our little baby, I can tell him about the thoughts I have of things to do, I like to make him make up stories on things we will do with the baby next summer - and I am encouraging him to dream bigger than a nature walk to the dog park - which is still fun. I am working on seeing a bigger picture, a picture bigger than him and I, a picture that will help shape the life of this amazing little kickster in my belly. A picture of what we want out life to be. I hope he can see these things and not just worry about money and day care and all that stuff. I know it is hard to see past these things, but we will have enough time to worry about that. While we will continue to chat about it and figure things out (we have been working really hard on establishing and budget and working to stay on it - and it's working! One month in and we are doign pretty good - and at least knowing where all the extra money goes - and even trying to save extra!), I don't want to get lost in those details. I want to remember why we decided to have a baby in the first place - it wasn't to be stressed and fight about money and things, it was to raise a family - it was to bring a child into this world (however messed up the world may be) and show him how to live in a way that we live - it was to make a good person because I think the world needs more good people. Maybe I need to express it to Sean like this as well - ask him why we are having a baby...ask him to remember how he first felt when the baby kicked him - which he does all the time know...and maybe that will eliminate some stress. Time to keep focusing on the positive, I want to raise this baby in a happy and healthy environment with little or no stress - I know, pretty hippie sounding, eh? Maybe I am more hippie than I thought!
9.20.2012
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I am now at 29 weeks, was measuring at 29 weeks yesterday at the doctor and feeling pretty good still. Yesterday was a littlle bit of an up and down day, but I got through it. We went to see the doctor to chat about birth plan. And to see if he is on board with the natural delivery I am looking for. I still feel a litle unsure about what is going to happen. He sounds like he is on board, but for some reason, I am a little concerned that he won't be in the end. I am concerned he will agree with everything and then he will just take over when he thinks it is his time. So, I left the appointment even more confused. I did get the name of a midwife that delivers at the same hospital, so we might check that out. Now I go to the doctor every 2 weeks. Seems a bit excessive and often to me, but I guess what can you do, that is how it works for them. I was also feeling defeated about our "unproductive" weekend, seems like everything we tried to do took much longer than we thought or just didn't work. But, we got to play a bit, rode bikes and flew some kites, even played tennis and while certian moments I feel like a cow, I am happy I am still active. So, things seem to be rolling right along - it's hard to believe I am finally nearing the end. While it seems like it has taken forever, it haven't been counting down the weeks until it is over. I am excited to meet our little guy!
9.18.2012
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Yes, that is correct, according to all the information I am getting through e-mails (which has to be right, it is on the internet :)). So, that means my journey is getting near the end. After all, in a 9 month process, having only 3 months left isn't that much time. And we still have so many things to get done! But we also have accomplished quite a bit of things we want to get done. The only thing left right now is the baby's room - painting, moving things out and moving things in. The fun stuff, right? At least I hope!
And I still feel pretty great. I am not sure if I have been super lucky with this pregnancy or me being active has helped me keep feeling as normal as I can, but there are certain times were I even forget I am pregnant - let alone in my final trimester. I have this slight breathing issue that I was having before I was pregnant - and it isn't great, it isn't the worst problem either. I have continued to focus on the positives I wrong about last time - keeping active, eating right and just enjoying everything going on. I have also decided it is time to start seeing the kind of life I want us to have AFTER the baby gets here. I have been told over and over again that we won't have time for anything, that our baby will take over, that we will totally change who we are because of the baby. And I just am not ready to buy into that yet - or ever. I am ready to keep being active - I have plans for next summers mountain biking season, I am working on baby sit plans for climbing and I am more than excited to plan some camping/climbing trips next summer - perhaps even some sailing weekends. I am even already tryiing to figure out the best way to make a ski trip happen this winter. Will all of that happens? Who knows?
But I do now that I control my thougths - I can't let anyone else do that. I have been on a good roll with thinking about all the great things to come and not getting bogged down with all the negatives - I am able to talk about more stressful things and not get as worked up about them. It is a great feeling to be in control of how I feel - and keeping those feelings in a positive manner. And that's all I can do. And I like to think it is rubbing off a little bit on Sean - and his outlook is a bit better, even though his silly car is making it hard! So, we will just move forward with a positive outlook - viewing a life we want with our family - not a life everyone is telling us to have.
9.13.2012
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"i always say you can do anything you want with kids like you did without kids it just takes a bit more time sometimes and a little more packing and planning ahead. There will always be people who have their opinion of how a parent should raise a child but that's all it is is their opinion i find mom usually knows best. each child is different. I took my kids everywhere with me when they were just babies camping, roadtrips, hiking. Its great you have felt good your whole pregnancy this far alread..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, I woke up with just a general feeling of being great! I wasn't tired when I got out of bed, I slept through most of the night, I don't think I got up to use the bathroom, which made sure I didn't snooze too long since I had to go so bad in the morning. I barely noticed the dog on top of me, but maybe that was because he was on top of my husband and my back felt pretty good. I like waking up not feeling tired, it is a great feeling. Maybe I am getting used to waking up a few times a night, which will be great once baby gets here. But I think it has to do with some quality husbnad time last night. We looked and talked about money and at first, i was getting mad, but I would like to think at the end I calmed down and we set a budget and figured out a few things. And I felt better about it. I know we are both trying to save money and build a nice savings - and heck, we still don't have credit card debt, so we are in good enough shape - a bigger cushion would make me feel better and we are working towards that.
Then I had a great talk with my husband last night about how he is feeling, how he is working on thinking more positively, how is wondering instead of worrying, and how we can look ahead and envision our life with our baby. I have been imagining different scenarios with our baby - different trips we will take him on, different things we will do and I think I will encourage Sean to do that as well - it really helped me be excited about the changes we are going to face and less nervous about them. I mean, after all, do we really need to worry about all the cryiing the baby will do, or can't we just envision a calm baby, in a calm household living a calm and happy life. That's what I see - and the more I see the life we will have, the more real it will be.
And that's when I decided all the work I need to do over the next 3 months, or even less that this point! It's funny, I was waiting so long for 20 weeks so I could start counting down, however, how that we are counting down, I can't believe how fast it seems to go! But that just means I need to make sure to work hard at the list below - so here goes, here is my prepping for baby list:
1. Keep being active - maintain the pregnancy pilates at least 3 times a week, with the legs pilates on additional days. Bike, run, walk when you can.
2. Keep thinking positive thoughts - I will have a successful natural childbirth, using methods I have learned and if we decide to birth in a hospital, we will stick to our plan. I will nurse my baby successfully. I will keep a clean house. I will cook healthy meals and make healthy snacks for us. I will keep calm in times of stress.
3. Continue to see the future in a positive way - I will talk about trips we will take and things we will do with the baby
4. Believe in myself and Sean's ability to raise a healthy and happy child no matter what.
I know there is a lot more in there - many more in positive thought department, but this is just a start. And a great one at that!
9.6.2012
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For the past 5 or so years, I have spent Labor Day up in Minnesota visiting my brother and his family. We go to the state fair and eat our way through the booths - all delicious and not so good for you food. Each year, it is a struggle for me to find time to work out and eat a little bit right. Needless to say, I was excited to go this year, as always, however, this year, I wasn't going to need to be so worried about what I ate. But, we got a call on Thursday saying the kiddies weren't feeling well and with school starting for one of them today, it was best if we didnt' come. So, we stayed home. That meant Sean and I had 4 days to do nothing, or rather we didn't have any plans. We started to put together our list of things to do - and boy oh boy, while it feels like we didn't do too much, we such did do a lot! We spend Friday relaxing, my parents had us over for a great bbq, steak, shrimp, veggies, plenty of fruit - and of course, I brought desserts. We hung out in their pool for a bit, just relaxed and enjoyed the day. In retrospect, we should have saved all the relaxing until Monday!
Saturday rolled around and we got Burton out to the dog park and tried to figure out what on our list to do should be done. We spent some time before the rain came doing some yard work and then decided to tackle the job of painting our bedroom. After all, we had the paint for 6 months or so...and it was pretty much ready - so we decided to go for it. And I swear, in my head painting to should take WAY less time than it really does. We finished 3 of the walls, but weren't sure what to do with the last wall - so we left it at that time. I was able to squeeze my pilates in and we just relaxed most of the night. I was deteremined to climb this weekend as well, so we met up with one of the hubby's friends and did that on Sunday morning. It was great, I climbed until my hands hurt (which was easy after painting) and I sweat and worked hard. It felt so great, I feel so strong today still from it. I have to make sure I keep doing that - climbing just puts me in another world. And the best part, I did a climb I hadn't done in a while - and did it well! It was great. We had a great lunch and then headed home to head back to work. More painting - the final wall and another wall in our house - our adventure wall. Thankfully it was pretty nice out so we were able to keep the windows open.
Then came Monday - I know I was a little crabby because it was the last day of my long weekend and well, just because I knew I had to go back to work. So, we got up and tried to plan out the day. We were invited to go on a bike ride with his family, we were maybe going to go to the dog park and I just wanted our house to be clean-ish. So, I had my first and only breakdown of the weekend. I got a bit angry because Sean couldn't decide what to do, I wasn't overly excited about biking since I hadn't been on my bike since last summer and well, I don't know, I just wanted to clean. So, thankfully, pregnant, angry Susan channels her energy well! I cleaned like crazy while Sean was figureing out the plan for the day. I vaccumed up dust from our front door replacement, I weeded the front landscaping, I swept the floors and even squeezed in vaccuuming. At that point, i was on a roll and wanted to stay home. But I told Sean he was in charge and he said I had to get in the car - not in a mean way - in a way that I didn't want to make decisions. And while I knew he was going to be right and I was goign to have fun, I didn't want to go, there were still so many things to do!
But we went, and met up with his family and went on a great little bike ride. And I loved it. And I wasn't bummed because it wasn't more hard core mountain biking (all right, I was a little bummed), I was happy that I was comfortable on my bike (except my seat, my butt was not in biking shape!). I was mad that I gave up riding because I read it was a bad idea to bike due to balance issues. But I will not waste time being mad about it, I will just move on and keep riding. It was a great feeling...to be back on my bike...to push myself and work hard, all while still having a fun time with the family - so, thanks Sean - you knew what was best! Then, we came home, choked down some lunch and got back to work, painting the final wall again, painting the trim and cleaning more. The day ended with us hanging up a few pictures in our bedroom, the trim is in, we have a few more things to do, but mostly, the room is in order. Then, we got to move to the adventure wall - which is full of on our fun adventures - everything from sailing to snowboaring to our honeymoon backpacking trip. And it made us so happy to finish that wall and always be reminded of the fun things we did - and the fun things we will continue to do!
So, leaving for work today was TERRIBLE! I wanted to stay home and keep doing things - I wanted to stay with Sean and Burton again, but life must continue, we must work - and looking on the bright side - Friday morning I get to spend with Sean. Even though I will be out of town for a couple of days, and then he works on Sunday, I have Monday off, so we have another day of being together and working on things - after all, it really is better when we're together!
9.4.2012
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...nope, nothing has changed - nothing at all since the other day, however, I just have decided I am looking on the bright side today - and going to continue to do that, because after all, there is always a bright side - even when it seems like there isn't, even when it seems like everything is against you, there are still positives to find - I think my list yesterday really helped - helped me remember all the great things I do have and focus on those because after all, if you keep focusing on all the wrong things, I think things will just keep going wrong! So, focus on the right things and that is how things will go - the right way! So, that's the plan - looking at the fact that I only work a half day today, then have Friday off and a long weekend up in Minnesota for some fun times. Yep, that's all I have to worry about right now. I don't need to worry about all the other things I have been wasting energy on - positive energy - that's all we need - and baby and I are going to bring it today - all day - no matter what!
8.29.2012
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"another positive you seem to be the kind of person who once you make up your mind to do something you go for it and give it your all. Good for you hope you have a great weekend." -- JACKIE2002
"Sounds like an awesome weekend - good for you for focusing on the positive!!!" -- KASONSMOMMA82
It has been a tough few weeks emotionally, for whatever reason. I think I realized in the end that I have been upset and complaining about all the things that are going wrong, instead of appreciating the things that are going right. So, it's list time. My plan is to make a list of all the things I have going for me at this point and when I feel like complaining about those things that are going wrong, I will look at this list and remember just how grateful I should be.
1. I have a husband that loves me more than I could ever know - and vice versa - nothing will ever change that love and bond that we have, no matter what.
2. I have a healthy baby boy growing bigger and bigger inside of me ready for a life full of exploring and trouble, probably, but all things he will learn from us.
3. I have a family that cares about me, even if they show it in different ways. And my friends are pretty great as well.
4. I have had a pretty "uneventful" pregnancy so far and plan to keep eating right and remaining active to make sure this keeps happening.
5. I have a roof over my head and food for my baby and I.
6. We have paid off our credit card debt and only owe money on our house and a car.
7. I have a husband who works so hard to make sure our house is safe and secure and we work together to make it an amazing home - no matter what anyone else says.
8. I have a dog, that no matter what, is always happy to see me with a wagging tail and a smile.
9. We are healthy.
10. Each day I wake up with new hope that our lives will continue to grow into even more amazing-ness than we can imagine.
So, there, my top 10 of no longer feeling sorry for myself. It's time for me to accept the strikes and the beat downs and move along - all while remembering the positive things we have going on in our life - and I know there are more than these. So, feel free to share what you are grateful for today, sometimes we all need a reminder to stop and look at what we DO have rather than focusing on all the things we DON'T have. And it is also time to take my advice and act on this...
8.28.2012
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"today i am grateful to have all my children home safe and sound and two healthy babies growing inside me.
I am also grateful i have a wonderful sister who is so happy to spend time with me when we have to chance and is so mushy it makes me sick sometimes but she really knows how to makes a person feel loved.she is truly a wonderful person and am glad i got the chance to tell her that.
and that i got to see my niece it has been way too long and and glad she is growing into a great young la..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, I lost it, I have no idea where it went and I keep just feeling like crap, like just about everything sucks...like I don't know how to laugh or have fun or do just about anything right - the list goes on and on and I know I am wasting time dwelling on the negatives, but right now, it just seems so hard for me to find any positivies. Argh...everything, even stupid little things are getting under my skin and driving me nuts. Just suckiness, I guess. I am hoping to blog about it and get rid of it. I have been saying that all the positive vibes are being sent to Sean right now, on his job interview - and that is how I am dealing with pile of crap on top of pile of crap. I mean, I know I need to not worry about things, I know that a worried mommy will make baby less happy, I am just having a hard time getting my head around what I want to have happen, or what I need to make happen, or something like that. My head hurts, my sinuses are killing, my body is changing in a way that I still see as fat, my clothes all suck, even maternity clothes, I don't sleep well at night, the dog wakes me up, the dog is sad because I don't do as many fun things with him anymore, which makes me sad...and man, oh man, I just can't seem to snap out of it, like I said, I am really hoping this pity party makes me see how silly I am being and gets me over whatever is going on.
Maybe it's just a bump in the road, or my belly, but shoot, I feel like it is so hard to look at the sun and smile - I wanted to lay outside for a few minutes and catch some sun - and that was nearly impossible for whatever reason and I felt guilty for laying on my back. Geesh, I am just depresssing, and ha, that makes me laugh a little bit right now...and that is so great. Maybe I should keep making fun of how silly I have been and that will turn this all around. I think I do have some valid feelings that aren't right inside of me about a few things - and of course, I always have a few things to talk about, but at the end of the day, I know the things I am worried about don't matter. What matters is that my husband and baby love me - and my dog mostly does as well. What matters is that I get to spend the evening and tomorrow with my husband and I am determined not to be stupid and let my dumb (although perhaps valid) feelings get in the way of a wonderful day that I do have with him. I am not going to worry about what will happen after that, today and tomorrow are my focus - having fun, laughing, loving and being close with him, that is all that I really want.
So, moving on - finding the bright side, it's Friday, I am going to leave early today, the sun is shining, the sun is warm and I want to feel it on my skin. I get to see Sean tonight and all day tomorrow, I get to not work for a few days, I get to take care of me and things around the house, I get to just be free of this crappiness - man, I just need to be free of it. I need to let it all go - I can't change certain things - my body is going to change, but I can work out and feed it right (2 days in a row I opted to have a small rice krispie treat instead of a dount - I know, not great, but MUCH better than a donut!) and fuel it with positive thoughts and feelings.
So, while today I am still devoting my positive energy to Sean getting this job and doing awesome in this interview (which he will!), I am going to remember to balance things out - I still need some of that energy...and I will find it, and I will get over this - I will get passed this, and I will back to being the happiest baby and happiest mommy that I can be, even if things don't always go my way...I knew the blog would help, feeling better already!
8.24.2012
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"sorry you have been having a crappy week. Sending some positive vibes your way :)" -- JACKIE2002
...it has been a rough few days. I don't even feel like I know where to start, mostly because i am not even sure what is wrong. I am tired or crying, of feeling like crap, of sneezing, of having sinus pressure, of having to do lunch with people at work and not be able to work out, of the dog waking me up at night, of not wanting to talk to people, of feeling like a bad person because I want to be left alone, I am just tired of it all. I am tired of people telling me I have not great ideas, I am tired of people not listening to me, but most of all, I think I am tired of caring about any of it. I am tired of being concerned that my mom thinks this or that is a bad idea, I already gave up on caring about what my sister thinks and that was such a freeing feeling...I am just tired of feeling like i am judged for everything all the time. And maybe it is all in my head, but I need to get back to a place to free myself from that. Yay! I think I figured out what has been wrong. I have been working the past week or so to be really positive and think great things - and I was doing great and then I fell down, I guess. So, today is time to sit down and cry, which as I already discussed, I am tired of, or time for me to get up and get back to kicking ass. And that is the plan. The plan is to get back on track with feeling good about me.
Sunday I am meeting with my mom and sister to talk about my shower - and I don't even want to go. I just wanted to sit around, eat ice cream, have yummy treats and open presents...that's all. Simple enough. Nope, we need to have dinner and it needs be like this, and karen likes this idea but can find something cuter and this isn't a good idea and blah, blah, blah. I get it, my mom is throwing it, I should just accept whatever it is, but well, c'mon, I have no say at all in it? And then I have a few typos in an e-mail about it and get laughed at. Doesn't anyone know to that the pregnant lady is sensitive? Geesh! It's almost like I want to freak out on everyone and be mom-zilla. The date was pretty much set before I had a say in it...and then it conflicted with something else and that was a big deal...just whatever to everyone. I am important to, what I say does matter, what I feel is legit, even if at times it is crazy. Yay, I am laughing at myself and not crying! That is great news!
So, just ugh, seems like I just need to stop caring about what other people think and do my thing, which in a way means I need to pull away from negativity that is surrounding me. And I think that is a great idea, baby and mommy don't need any more stress, we do MUCH better when we smile and laugh and giggle. Maybe that is it, maybe I just need a good laugh! I am also very much looking forward to my workout today, missed yesterday...always feels a little off when I miss a day, so pilates it is, to the point of making my legs shake - I love it! And then who knows what the night will hold, painting, more cleaning, returning a few things, maybe some awful shopping for maternity clothes...who knows, we will see. But at the end of the day, I will just do my best to not be concerned what other people think...and just live my life as I want to...and speak up and stand strong, after all, I think I have an excuse to be rude - I can blame it on the baby! :)
8.23.2012
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"So you want to crawl in a cave too? because that's exactl what I'd like to do right now. I have this feeling people are agressive, not physically, but by wanting to make you do and think there way. Extra sensitive ? I don't know, or maybe more aware of people's true nature.
Yep, I would love to eat a donut right now, that would be great - you know the ones you get when you go and pick apples or get a Christmas tree - yummy! But I will fight the urge (because actually, I think I pass a place on my way home DAILY that has them). Anyways, I am feeling great and don't want some silly donut to ruin that. I went to the doctor yesterday to do my glucose test and hoping I won't have anything to worry about. I did try and go for a run yesterday morning, however, I had some pain so I walked. I think I decided that perhaps I worked my kegel muscles too hard (did pilates the night before) and that is what the problem was. I figure it is a muscles like any other muscle, so I am sure it may have gotten overworked. And while I was bummed I couldnt' run and had to walk, I dealt with it pretty well. I didn't cry, or get upset, I just took it in stride. I decided I was at least doing something and that was better than laying in bed. So, point for me - positive thoughts on something not so great.
Then I went to my birthing class - we are taking classes to use the Bradley Method, I want nothing more than a normal and natural delivery and this seemed like a great option. Sean wasn't there - he was off playing with the boys, so I went alone. And maybe it was because he wasn't there, or maybe I was just tired, but at the end of it all, I felt like it was just a waste of time. And yes, it was the first class, so I should be open to what it to come, but I guess I was just hoping for something different. I don't know what, to be honest, just something different. Next week, we talk about Nutrition, and honestly, I feel I could probably teach the class as part of my degree required some nutrition classes. But, I will try and remain open. But then I sat and listened more and more and thought maybe this class isnt' right for me. I mean, yes, I want a natural childbirth and yes, part of me is still open to the idea of home birth, which is quite weird, however, this group just seemed like maybe it wasn't what I was looking for. I feel like it is possible I have gotten more out of reading Ina May's book that I did from sitting in this class. And yes, again, I remind myself it was the first week. And maybe it will be different when Sean is there, and hopefully we will get more prepared, but well, I don't know. I really just felt a bit disappointed in how the class went - maybe my expectations were too high...and it isn't like we are going to quit, after all, we paid the money. But I do know that Sean is no longer allowed to miss classes!
And then I rested last night and woke up feeling great today. I woke up and went running and all was good. I had a little tightness where it was the other day, but as soon as I tucked my hips, I was all good! I ran 3.6 miles, which makes me quite happy. I pushed myself to run longer than I wanted to, doing an extra lap around the neighborhood, telling myself that this is what I need to get mentally ready to have this baby. I might not want to go through one more contraction, or one more time to push, but I will have to. And this small step of running around the block, showed me that I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to - and I will do it. Phew, it has been a few good days, but can't wait for the hubby to get home...so he can share all this greatness with me!
8.21.2012
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Yep, last night I was about to pull out my computer and blog, but I was just too tired. I had a pretty great and really productive weekend - and was impressed with how much work I got done, all by myself. I put some dinner in the crock pot, did some laundry, organzied kitchen cabinets, mowed the field out back, made plenty of treats for a party on Sunday and even cleaned out one of the closests in the babies room. And all while Sean was off playing with the boys - and done in enough time to have a great dinner and night with him. And the day before, I ran 4 miles, pretty much non-stop and felt great. It was a great workout week. I did pilates twice, yoga twice and ran. And then I even convinced myself to do pilates last night and it was great! I forgot how great it feels to eat right and workout on a regular basis. I decided to get up and try and run today, knowing that I might be sore from last night. And I headed out, got a few minutes in and just didnt' feel so great. So, I decided to walk, I walked a couple of miles, which was better than nothing and did some stretching. On any normal day, that would be the lamest thing ever, however, since the baby is going to keep getting bigger, I need to be more flexible with what I can and cant' do. And today, baby did want to run.
But I still did something. Then I headed to the doctor for my glucose test and appointment. I gained some weight - not as much asI had on Friday, it is amaizng how much extra water weight I carry when I don't drink enough water! But I felt all right about it, my blood pressure was fine, I was measuring at 25 cm, which is right on for 25 weeks and all was good. Baby's heartbeat was in the 150s. Nothing to complain about. Except for some reason, I am so tired and have no desire to be at work. And I could have gone home after my appointment, but thought I should come to work, after all, I have someone to manage now...i should at least try to make a good impression. So, I dragged myself here, at some food I had here and plan on chugging as much water as possible today. TOnight starts our birth class - Bradely Method - so we will how that goes. In a way, I kind of wish we just got some books and did it on our own, but oh well, it will be a good chance for us to bond and we will ACTUALLY do the things. Except Sean won't be there tonight, nice, right? oh well, not a big deal.
I realized something this weekend, I realized how much I can get done on my own. I realized I have choices and sometimes I don't make the best one. I only had a few hours with Sean this weekend and I was upset about it - so, then I made a choice, I can be upset and ruin the time we have, or I can embrace and enjoy the time we have. And that's what I did - at least I think that is what I did, he may have another idea! And that was a hard choice, I was upset he was leaving for a few days, I was upset he had to leave on Saturday and I wanted to do something cool and fun, but there was no time for that. So, Imade it work, I worked hard to keep myself busy and do things so that when he was home, i could spend time with him, not cleaning kitchen cabinets. So, lesson learned - I can do it by myself, I am strong enough and tough enough to stay positive while I am carrying this baby and will continue to feel that way after I have the baby. IT also made me realize that I am strong enough to have a natural birth - I was getting a little freaked out about it. But my nerves have been calmed - and the best part, I calmed them, I worked hard to change my way of thinking and I will continue to work hard to keep that way of thinking going - positive thoughts make for a happy mommy and a happy baby and a happy family. And even if I have a bad moment, I can choose to come out of it. Let's just hope I keep this in persepective as things get harder! I mean, I plan to keep this in perspective as things get harder!
8.20.2012
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"I did a birthing class with my oldest and most of it was info i had already known from reading books and such but i liked the section they did on how to relax and calm yourself and different things you can do to help with labor pains.lol I couldn't do the "hee hee whoo" breathing at all i would get way to dizzy and almost pass out so i just did my yoga breathing. The more calmed and relaxed you are the easier it seems to move along. i actually used a lot of their tips, with being the first it wa..." -- JACKIE2002
...yep, those are the words that I repeated to myself over and over in the shower this morning and so far so good, I suppose. I didn't sleep well last night, the dog was being restless, the husband was home late and as many relaxation breathing exercises I did, it didn't matter, I wasn't sleeping. Of course, I may have fallen into my deepest sleep around 6:30, just a few minutes before my alarm went off. So, today is going to be a good day. I dropped numerous things this morning, and still, decided today was going to be a good day. I got to work to find my boss here again, awesome (she usually isn't in the office and it is nearly impossible to leave early when she is here), but today is going to be a good day. I am looking forward to a run after work, a healthy dinner and a nice night to just rest, maybe even do some pilates after the run. But it is going to be a good day.
Yesterday was a fine day - and anyone who knows me, knows what I mean by fine. Typically when I say things are fine - it is a joke - and nothing is fine. I have gotten better about not using this word to lie and cover up how I feel, but for the purposes of describing yesterday, I will say fine. I had a good day, then decided to go to the mall with my mom and niece. And it was going mostly fine, found a few cute things for the baby and then I just kept getting annoyed with my niece, who was being annoying - and all the annoying people and kids at the mall. Cracks me up when I get annoyed with screaming kids, pretty sure I will have one soon, but still, just drives me nuts when kids are running around stores acting like crazy-pantses! Then I went to look for some jeans. I decided, since the maternity section is lacking to just look at regular jeans, in a larger size. I have been wearing a few of my bigger jeans the past few days with my bella band and that has been working. But my mom didn't like that - well, you don't want those, they do this, or those, they will do this...so I gave up on that venture. And went to the maternity section with mostly no luck - they had one pair of jeans, that didn't fit....but did get a sweater that was decent enough to spend $5. Then, when we were walking back to the car, I was talking about a friends shower I was at - and the first question out of my mom's mouth was, how did she look, did she gain a lot of weight? I said, is that all people look at and talk about form the shower - not how was it, what did they have to eat, what kinds of things did she get, but how big did she look? I proceeded to try and ask my mom if it look like I put on weight she kind of just skirted around the question - so awesome, I feel like a cow, then my mom can't even answer and tell me that I look like a cow. And that just bummed me out. So, I was dumb and tired and just went and watched TV for the rest of the night, instead of working out. I know, not the right direction, but was just annoyed. Yes, I have gained weight. My lifestyle, amount of food I am eating, amount of intense workouts I am doing has changed, I am going to gain weight. It's a fact. And I can't help it. I have had a few great days of eating super healthy and I feel great about it. Yesterday was a tiny slip, but whatever I snacked on was at least good for me. So, I took a day off and ate a bit more....argh, I don't know. Just annoyed about being judged, and maybe I am just judging myself...do I like that I gained 25 pounds already, nope, that was my goal for the whole pregnancy, but I can't do much about it now. I can't go back and do the first trimester over, all I can do is move forward...so that is what today is about, moving forward, having a good day, eating right and going for a run. And more doing things around the house and less TV watching...yep, that is the plan. It's is going to be a good day, and if I look like a cow, so be it, I am going to keep my spirits up and keep my head up and keep working towards eating right and moving these last few months. So, yes, it will be a good day!
8.17.2012
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...see, everytime I come on here and talk about how things are going pretty good, I have a major meltdown, breakdown that night. THat is not the plan today. The plan today is to have a decent day at work, eat all the good for me food I brought (man, did I forgot how much better I feel after a few days of eating right and working out consistently), workout, maybe at lunch and at home and then just have a good night of continuing to clean and get the house ready for baby. I freaked out the other day because I didn't think we had enough time to get things done. And then all I had to do was start doing things and it has all worked out. Thankfully, I think Sean's back is getting better so he can get back to doing things as well. And hopefully by the weekend his car will be fixed and running again - that would be music to my ears. So, just in just a few short weeks I see us getting ready to paint the babies room and start to get it all set up. Of course, there is A LOT to do before that. It is amazing how much extra junk can accumulate over the course of just a few years in an "extra" room. And we had 2 of them and a basement. So, it was easy to just put things in the closet or pile them here or there. But now, now it is time to organize! And I think it is going pretty well. I am happy with the progress we are making, out basement is basically organized and ready for a garage sale. And the office area is being converted nicely to an actual office/play area, which is amazing! I think since the day we moved in, that room became a junk collector - but nope, now I am on my organized kick. We have a plan and I am hoping we will stick to it. Of course, actually putting things where they are supposed to go is the key, but we have a few months still to work out those kicks.
So, from time to time, I sit around and think about the mom I want to be and the mom I hope to be and the family I hope to have. I read blogs of other people how are active, how they do all the things they used to do with a baby. It sure would be nice is companies wanted to start sending me free things to try out as I recently saw on a blog. But alas, that probably wont' happen. So, I go back to think about the family I want to have and the mom I want to be. I know I want to remain calm inside, even when the baby is not, but the last few weeks, I haven't been able to do that with the dog, so I am worried about how that will work with a screaming baby. Perfect, I found a problem and now to work on a solution. And I am working on it, trying to yoga and do more relaxation exercises every night. And I am hoping it helps. I also have to remind myself of the big picture...and I have forgotten that recently. I have been very caught up in the now...what I need to do now, what Burton is doing that is bad now...and well, I am working on that as well. I am going to work on taking time each night to do deep breathing and focus on the big picture - what I want my life to look like when the baby comes, after the baby is here for a while, big picture, the happy family I have always dreamed of. A little crying here or there won't change that, the baby will still be happy, eventually - at least I hope!
So, check, found a problem and am working on it. Another problem, I have been lazy aobut cooking and working out. I blame the Olympics, I love every minute of the Olympics, to a point that during those 2 weeks, that is all I want to do and think about. So, fine, those are done, no more excuses. And while I was able to get in a few workouts during the Olympics, I did do legs and back (P90x) while watching mountain biking...I am back on track. Monday was Pregnancy Pilates, yesetrday was yoga and today - thinking of pregnanty pilates and running or walking. I have gotten back into the habit of working out and lunch and while I feel like I jerk for not eating lunch with my co-workers, I have to do it. For me, and for baby. So, I will not worry about other people - I will worry about me and baby, after all, right now, that has to come first.
Next problem - lazy cooker! I love to cook, but for some reason I am stuck in a lazy phase, haven't tried out new recipes in a while, havent' wanted to go grocery shopping in a while and just feeling lazy about wanting to cook. Too many nights of cereal for dinner! So, I sent Sean shopping and I am excited to want to cook again. We have fresh fruits and veggies and I can cook. Now, I think I just realized that I need to find some new recipes to be excited about, problem is, I am typically cooking for myself. Oh well, more leftovers for me, right? So, still working on that one. I have a plan to make a bunch of freezer meals for when baby comes because I know it will be important for me to eat right after that. And it is easier not to eat right! I also am hoping, down the line to make baby food, and I have to get back into the kitchen, to want to spend time there to make that happen.
Phew, so for now, that is what I am working on - deep relaxation that allows me to focus on the bigger picture, the happy family I am working on making, working out - I was commiting to 30 minutes a day, but I think I need to up that to an hour a day. I can do it! There are enough hours for it, and finally cooking and eating right...which includes bringing lunch for myself (all the leftovers from the day before!) and having plenty of fruits and veggies on hand. Sure, I will still have my sweets now and then, but I need my snacks to benefit me and baby. And today will be a good day, I will not yell or cry about anything that doens't matter, because, really, at the end of the day, does a few pieces of unfolded laundry (that I can probably fold in less time it would take me to yell and cry about it) need to take up so much of my energy - nope, time to spend my energy on good things - cleaning, organizing, loving myself and my baby and of course, my love, Sean!
8.15.2012
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...yep, while I am not feeling as tired as I was in the first trimester, I am having an ugh kind of week, almost seeming like month. I am annoyed and irritated by everything, I feel bloated and just kinda crappy. And I know I haven't been eating as well as I should be, however, I haven't been doing terrible. I had a lazy few weeks with my working out as well - watched too many Olympics...and just feeling so blah. I don't know why or what it is, but I am just having a hard time getting myself picked up and going again on certain days. In a way, I think I should listen to my body on those days, but then I also think perhaps I am just using this baby as an excuse to be lazy and I did in the first trimester when I was tired.
So, today starts a new week - it is Monday - a rainy Monday - as if Monday's aren't bad enough, ha. But I don't care. At lunch today, I am going to load up my pilates workout on youtube and do that. And I am not going to feel bad about not eating lunch with by co-worker, I need to take care of me and baby and that seems to keep getting pushed aside. So, today's plan is pilates. And then some great celery, dip and cheese for lunch....and some almonds for a snack if I need it later. And then, home to make a great dinner and hopefully climbing or running. And that plan will keep on going this week. If I don't work out at night, I do it in the morning, or at lunch. And I take care of me. I know how to do it, I know I feel better when I do it...so, let's just do it, no more ughs, ha, maybe I just need more hugs! But the tides are goign to turn, I need to get back to being relaxed and happy about baby - I know how I want to feel, I just need to work to get there. And I believe I can do it, which makes me happy.
No more crazy breakdowns about nothing, back to enjoying each moment that I have in life and embracing it for what it is. No more whining about what I don't have or all the things that have gone wrong....time to look passed all the bad and forward to the future, and the good things that will come. And the happy family I will make. No time to dwell on the bad things going on, just time to work to make sure I am looking up at the sky and striving to be the best mommy I can be right now - and if I fail, so be it...I can just get up and try again. I feel like that quote that says Courage is the quiet voice that tells you to get up again and again - that's how I want to live - and how I plan to live. TIme to shine and be happy with me and where I am going - and the possibility of all the great things we can hand down to our little guy!
8.13.2012
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"My favorite quote is a football quote from vince lombardi i always tell the boys when they need some pep after a lost game or what have you and tey to remember it when i feel i have fallen. The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, I just feel angry and annoyed a bunch, every little thing drives me nuts, and I am at the point where it is almost funny and I have to laugh at myself for being so mad about whatever I am mad about. That is the best part, most of the time I have no idea what I am mad about. The dog annoys me, or a co-worker annoys me, or everything annoys me. But today was a better day. I didnt' even get annoyed when the gas station I went to on my way home was closed. And that made me quite happy to not be annoyed and angry. Let's just hope that this continues. I felt so bad on Sunday, just awful. The dog was annoying me, I yelled at him a bunch, then I yelled at my husband a bunch and well, it was just not good. The best part was being on the water, of course, and I still wakeboarded and felt at peace, but the stupid dog was barking and argh...just so annoyed with him.
So, I cried a bunch, I sat in the shower and cried, I laid on the floor and cried, but realized something...as I laid next to my dog and could feel his heart beat, I put a hand on my baby and felt him move...and it just all felt right. It felt so good to tell the dog i was sorry, but it mostly felt good to just lay there with him, pretend like he could understand me apologize for being a bad dog mom on the day, understanding that he was making me mad, ha, not that he understood, he was just being a dog...anyways...it was a moment where I realized I can't be perfect, I can't expect myself to have a perfectly clean house all the time, I can't expect myself to know what I am going to do is always going to be right, i can't expect to know everything and I can't expect myself not to lose my cool. And that is all right, just knowing that will get me one step closer to being as at ease, calm and peaceful as I can be.
it was a good moment, to feel so lousy about my abilities, it reminded me to get back to the exercises where I center myself, like yoga, or just taking 5 minutes a night to focus on me and focus on calming my energy and channeling them to be the most beneficial. I was reminded to that no one is perfect...and all I can do is the best. I see myself being calm with my baby and consoling him, not getting worked up when he cries and i don't know why. I know the dog sensed i was working up and kept pushing my buttons and I know the baby will do that as well. So, I have to take these few months left to center myself, remember who I am and what is important to me. I have to take this time to eat right and workout and keep my lifestyle on track - and make habits that will stick, even when the baby comes. And I have to just remember to relax and be flexible...I won't be able to control anything but the way I feel...so I will work on keeping control of that and seeing where the rest of the pieces fall.
So, today, not so annoyed and angry - thankfully!
8.7.2012
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"well sound like you learned some good lessons that will help you when baby comes. It'll make the crash course on parenting that much easier for you." -- JACKIE2002
Yes, we went climbing last night and yes, it was awesome! We have been going pretty regularly, at least once a week for a few weeks now and it has been great. I have done my best to not be frustrated by my lower level abilities, and at the same time, I am challenging myself to try routes I wouldn't do - and I wasn't able to do a few moves - and I don't blame baby and me being at least 20 pounds more than I was when I used to climb, ha, I blame being too short! I hope baby gets daddy's height! Anyways, it felt great to work hard and to sweat and to huff and puff and give it my all - and to fail, but be all right with it. I tried a hard route at the end of the day - and i knew it was going to be tough since my arms and hands were killing me already...but I gave it a whirl and made it so far - so close to the top, but not quite. And I tried hard - I tried again and again - and the best part, I was all right with failing. I knew I couldn't hold on anymore, I knew my hands were done and I wasn't upset - phew - such a sign of relief! I mean, sure it is great that I get to keep climbing, but it is tough to be going backwards. But I was all right with it - and that was all after an emotional day! I forgot how much a great sweat can clear me up and put me in the right place.
I had a rough day - I was out of town missing my hubby for a few days - work was annoying and it was one of those toss in the towel days. And then my husband (who has been great - even if I don't tell him enough - thanks love!) came in with a package I ordered of cute baby clothes and he had me open it..and we looked through the silly little raccon pjs and monkey outfits and I felt so much better, just happy and content with things - knowing nothing I was upset about really mattered all that much - just little baby and me and him, and the doggie mattered and it was great. Then he got to feel the baby kick - he kept telling me he didn't believe it was baby and thought it was me doing it, but he felt him move - and that made me so happy. Even though I have had a hard time with chaging my life, getting as giant as a house, wanting to eat everything in sight, I get to feel the baby move inside of me - and everyone who said it was right - that is the most amazing thing ever - so crazy and wild and amazing all at the same time. Just so great.
And then we went climbing and on the way chatted about money, which always upsets me. I just hate that I have to get upset and worry about money, it makes me crazy, makes me want to just throw in the towel and quit. And I get upset about it, I get mad and crabby and don't like to talk about it. I know it needs to get figured out, what we will do with the baby when I go back to work, all the same stuff everyone needs to figure out. And I try to talk about it in a calm manner, however, even when I am calm I know I have a crappy tone. So, I was mad, I was mad with no real reason, I should be able to be an adult and have this conversation without being mad, I guess I just don't think money will make us/me/baby more happy. And I know in a way, that isn't true - I know that if we didnt' have to worry about money, there would be less stress...so I work to manage our money, and I work to make sure we have savings and that we have bills paid on time and such. And I plan on keep working on this, keeping things in line and keep things on track to keep saving money and having money put aside to spend on things. And I think if I do that, I think I will keep feeling better about the money and I think I can put Sean's fears to rest about money, about not making enough money and such. I think we can make it and make it work and be happy and still have money to do fun things - they might just be different things. We never were big spenders - well, sometimes Sean is....but at the end of the day, I know we will be happy no matter what, because we all have each other - and that is what matters. I don't grow up in a house were we got everything we wanted, and I don't care about that. I care about the happy and loving home we can and will provide for our baby and our new family - that is what matters - see it is all so clear when your arms and hands are sore for an awesome work out - time to keep up the working out and the sweating and the eating right - and the positive thinking!
8.2.2012
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"Thats great you have come to be a peace with what you are able to do now as opposed to before. And it's true money isn't everything you'll get it all figured out. Somehow you'll make it work and honestly as long as your kid has everything they need and are loved a happy at the end of the day missing that vacation every now and then or having to wait to buy something bigger or whatever just doesn't seem that bad. You have the right attitude,just keep that up and before you know it you'll be able ..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, we couldn't wait - we were asked if we wanted to know and we couldn't say no - so, we found out and were quite surprised to see a boy on the ultrasound. And yes, we could tell, we didn't need anyone to tell us! We are so happy, of course, first off, that the baby is healthy as far as they could tell, but very happy with a boy. I know we would have been happy with either, but we did kinda prefer a boy. So, now things are getting more real, still seems a bit un-real, still don't feel like I look pregnant, however, I do feel him moving quite a bit. The ultra-sound tech told me I have a VERY active baby - and it will be interesting once he gets bigger and I feel him moving more, because right now, he is doing flips and twists and everything! I am not going to complain, though! I am going to treasure each moment I feel him move as his way of telling me that life is still good for him - and as long as that keeps happening, mommy is quite happy. I am hoping that soon my hubby will be able to feel him.
It's funny, when I first found out I was pregnant, all I was worried about was all the things I can't do. And while I miss an occasionally beer and glass of wine, and I really miss outdoor summer soccer and mountain biking, it has been a good adjustment - of course, after I freaked out about it for a while. And I couldn't be happier with how things are going. My hubby gets jealous that I get to feel him move which makes me realize even more how important it is for me to treasure the feelings. He tells me how unfair it is that I get to take baby with me all the time. It's the cutest thing ever and really makes me so excited about our next adventure.
Nursery plans are underway, furniture and more things are on thier way and our house needs to get in order before that! We are getting there...slowly, but surely. I can't wait to paint his room, get cute little boy things and just wait for Mr. Wiggles to make his appearance - and realize that I am going to have my hands full if I am goign to get a mini-version of my hubby! And the thought of all of that, makes me so happy!
7.24.2012
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"awww congratualtions to you having a healthy boy." -- JACKIE2002
...or baby is half way out of it's home! I am pretty much right at my 20 week mark, which is half way - which seems crazy. I barely still freel pregnant, but I can feel the little bugger squirmming around quite a bit. It is a great feeling - I really want my husband to be able to feel it. I feel like now all the silly things I was worried and stressed out about are and were so silly. I have also decided that no longer will this child, once born, make me change who I am. I have read and seen so many stories about women who are doing the same things I want to do with the baby - and if they can do it, so can I! I am excited to explore the ways I can make my life be great with this little baby in it - I haven't been to that stage yet and it is a great stage to be in! It feels so good to just feel good. working out is going great, I am eating better - which I regret not doing since the beginning, but whatever, so it goes...can't go back and change it, I can just look and move forward from here on out. Monday is the ultrasound - where they tell me just about eveyrthing and I am excited to see the little munchkin again - we are not goign to find out what it will be - we are goign to wait and be surprised, but I will be happy to know that the baby is healthy and get a better due date, etc. So, wow, so much to get done, but so much time to do it, baby steps, right? Working on getting the room ready involves making room in the rest of our house for all the things in the baby room. Basement cleaning, garage sale - all that good stuff. I'm excited for this new beginning in our life and feel great about all of this moving forward. And I forgot how great it felt to eat right and work out regularly, I love feeling like myself again!!! :)
7.19.2012
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"That's great i am so excited for you and when your hubby finally gets to feel baby move remember that look on his face, It's priceless that and the first time he holds the baby. very precious moments." -- JACKIE2002
So, I think I finally realized why it was so hard for me to buy any maternity clothes the other day - it was like going shopping on a fat day, when the things that are supposed to fit, don't, and then the things you think should be big fit. But I am forgetting something, I am not getting fat (well, I might be getting a litle bigger), I am getting a baby. And I think I have tried to hide it Not because I am ashamed of it, but moreso becasue I haven't felt like I looked or felt pregnant. So, I was wearing my regular clothes and just trying to make it work, not hide the baby, but not show off my bump.
And I think I figured out why. Attention - as soon as you show that bump, you are the recipient of all kinds of attention - congrats, are you going to find out what you are having, how far along are you, are you going to go back to work, how long will you take off, etc, etc, etc. And sometimes I prefer to hide from attention. A neighbor said congrats to me and before he could finish, I was changing the subject and asking him about vacation. I know I should relish this time to be the center of attention, but it isn't something I am used to. I guess in a way, I am a speak softly and act loudly kind of person. And well, talking about all these things doesn't really do anything for me.
I had a friend who seemed upset because I wasn't talking about my birthplan or things as much as I was with ohter people. Thankfully I didn't really care, but I am not the person that is going to go on and on about me, I just never have been like that. Maybe it's hiding and not being overly confident, but to me, it is just not being cocky. LIke I said, I like quietly (which is funny when you know how loud I am), but I like to act.
Anyways, for me, showing off my bump meant talking - A LOT! And I like texting, ha! It means I will have to answer all kinds of questions, which is fine, not a bad thing, but while I am still figuring it all out, it can be a bit much. So, I tend to shift the focus to something else, or someone else. And I am going to work on that, I am going to talk about it more - and I am going to answer more questions. I don't think I will change and just start bragging about me and my bump...I like to be asking things, but I will be more open about it.
I will show off my bump and not try and hide it (although I feel it has gotten HUGE over the last few days!). The more it shows, the more excited I get about it all, still strange - this little thing growing inside of me - and sometimes I think I feel it move - although it is hard to tell the difference between that and a stomach gurgle these days. But all the signs are coming together - I got out and ran a few times, my exercise is getting back on track and my eating is kicking butt! So, the plan is the keep all that rolling, even as I roll along and feel like I roll myself out of bed - I am still rolling in a good way. I am working on remaining calm and accepted all that is happening to me and showing off that litlte bump with pride!
7.11.2012
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"I have the same issue when it comes to work I tend to like to keep my personal life personal and am bothered by everything changing to my belly than to the work at hand Beside my partner none of the others i work with interact with me outside of work and my partner it is only because our kids share the same interest in the same activities and there are a few who i do see outside of work but they no longer work with us so they don't count lol. At home i have no issue talking with friends and fami..." -- JACKIE2002
It seems like everytime I write a blog reporting that life seems pretty normal and all is good, I have a small set back. I claim this one as totally valid. I went shopping for maternity clothes, which is maybe something you shouldn't do alone, but regardless, I needed some clothes. So, I went to exchange one pair of shorts and got a bunch of other things - spent way too much money and not even sure I like anything that I got. It seems like if I won't want to wear ruffles and pink, I have to just wear white or black and maybe if I am lucky another fun color. Just all plain. Which I guess is fine. I guess that is better than ruffles and such. But honestly, it was so hard shopping not really knowing what I will look like and planning to gain more weight. Usually, I shop and try things on and if they don't fit, I wonder if I can make them fit by losing weight, not this time! This time I am gaining weight. And while I am not doing that bad, I am still just feeling like a cow! So, how did you get over the hump, or rather bump? Ha, how did you just be all right with the bump and show it off. I guess to me, I am hoping it can look more like a bump and not look like I ate too much the day before. And maybe it does, maybe I just need to change the way I am thinking.
So, after I left the store, I shed a few tears and I sucked it up, does it really matter at this point what I look like, nope, it matters what I feel like. And I have to get back to feeling good about me and all of this. I think I started being considered again what other people think...and that tends to get me no where fast! So, today's goal, not being concerned about what other people think - taking care of me and thinking of me and baby. Today marks 19 weeks, according to my calendar and I am just going to be excited about that. That's the plan - we will see how it goes!
7.10.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"I know its so frustrating when people think you are just putting on weight and have to point out you are pregnant or to think that that's what they are thinking. soon there will be no doubt you are and hopefully it will be easier for you.
I never did like shopping for maternity clothes either i am tall so most pants are short in the legs it hard for me to find any and because i have a long torso finding shirts that go long enough when i have a big belly is another problem, then it seems like..." -- JACKIE2002
...which is typically a good thing, even in this situation. Yes, nothing is new, I am not too crazy (although i was a little crazy the other day, but I blame the heat...), I have been in control of me and how I feel, which is a great thing. I still don't know if I feel pregnant, which is funny. I think I kind of just feel a bit fat still. My uterus feels like it doubled in size over the weekend, which is actually quite fun. I still haven't felt the baby move, or at least thought anything I felt was the baby actually moving. But I feel good and that makes me happy. I ran/walked yesterday and had a little tummy pain to start the run. I was smart, and stopped and walked a bit, then felt better and gave it another go - success and the sore muscles to prove it today! Woo hoo! I love the sore muscles from running and working out. I hope to keep myself even more on track.
After my 16 week appointment, I had already gained a bit too much weight, so I have gotten back on track and am watching what i am eating now. I feel good about doing that, feels like another thing I can control. I am just working on staying relaxed, happy and active, all of which I think are crucial to my happiness now and when the baby comes. So, more work on maintaining my lifestyle and enjoying a few treats here and there - feels great to work hard and reward myself with good things. I ordered a few more maternity items and am planning to get a few more items to feel like I am not just fat and that I have a little bump! Overall, life is good and the middle is getting closer - just a few more weeks until my 20 week ultrasound, can't wait to see that the baby is all right and everything is in order - and can't wait to wait to surprised!
7.9.2012
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Duh, like that isn't obvious that vacations are a great way to escape, get away and forget about reality. But I think vacation was a little different for me this year. This year, I think I found more of myself as a person and as the mother i want to become than I ever imagined! Each year, we go with my husband's family to a lake up in Wisconsin. His dad has 3 sail boats, his brother and him windsurf, we bring our motorboat and kayak and it just a week to play in the water, hang out and have fun. I was a little worried this year, about what I was going to be able to do and not do. I talked with my husband for quite some time and even talked with his dad about if certain things while sailing - trapezing, specifically (which is hanging off the side of the catamaran while it tips to go faster - once I get the video, I will post the link). Anyways, this has been a favorite of mine since I did it first 3 or 4 years ago. I love it, it makes me scream and giggle and laugh with pure delight. It allows me to feel like I am floating and soaring over the water. So, going into the trip, I was worried, maybe this wouldn't be best, maybe I shouldn't do this, maybe it will not be good for baby.
My husband agreed that once we find a harness that will work, it shouldn't be a problem. I was still a little worried, so I asked him dad and was happy to find out that my husband's mom did the same thing I wanted to do while she was 7 months pregnant - with my husband! So, that put me at ease, but I was still a little nervous, what if I fall, what if the boat tips, was it worth it. Well, my husband, who was captaining the boat, promised to take it easy until I felt comfortable....and it was great! I felt light and at ease and giggled and laughed and screamed so the whole lake could here.
And then it happened, one of the lines broke as I was scooting out over the edge. But not to worry, i landed like a cannonball and was barely 6 inches from the water, it was hilarious! And even better, it was caught on video! So, the joke became that I broke the rope - the rope from 1977 with my 1000 ton butt! And the best part, I laughed about it. i didn't cry, I didn't get upset that I was being made fun of, I LAUGHED!
And not only then, I laughed to myself when I thought I got a look of disapproval when I sipped a cold beer. I laughed when I took a small fall wake boarding - nothing which was on my stomach. I laughed when my husband's dad kept calling me a baby hider since it didn't look like I had a baby, and I laughed when I started to question if I should cover up my belly. Instead I showed it off, i wore my new bikini like I was the hottest thing at the lake - and it wasn't like I was looking at anyone else, I just decided to feel amazing. I decided to laugh about and insecurities, I decided to laugh about it all.
And what did all that mean, I had an amazing time, I felt like myself, I got to do all the things i wanted to do, even sail a smaller boat by myself, flip it over and right it again. I did it, and man, am I beat from the trip - 6 days of amazing sun and wind meant no rest for me and baby, but I didn't care, I got to forget about being judged, i got to forget about feeling fat and out of shape and I got to feel awesome - and like I could float on water - I mean, that is always great, but when you are feeling a bit like a cow, it is AMAZING! I think it was almost like I forgot about being pregnant, I got to do all that things I wanted to do, sure, I might have had quite a few more beers, but not having them wasn't even a big deal. I got to just have fun and forget about all the worries and thoughts going on.
Of course, I am back to reality, and am excited to go the doctor on Wednesday, and almost a bit nervous, I want to know that baby is all right and while I don't think anything I did would have done any damage to the baby, it will just be a nice thing to hear the baby's heartbeat - yay, I am excited to hear the baby's heart beat!
But for now, no worrying, now I will just take with me the feelings I have from last week and keep them with me. it was great, there were a few times were I took moments to soak it in, to meditate, to store how I was feeling so that when I get down and come off this high, I can go back and remember how great it was to be where I was - physically, mentally and emotionally. it feels good to be in a great place and feels even better to laugh - so, the next time I feel a freakout coming, it's time to laugh, mommy and baby don't need any stress over the next few months!
It just reminds me how important the saying is - happy mommy means happy baby - so let's all do our best to remember that and be happy - for the sake of the little avacado's inside of us!
6.24.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"That's great you got some time away and enjoyed yourself. we all need that from time to time." -- JACKIE2002
...yep, clearly when I have been blogging, it has been a crazy week. But what did I learn from it? It's all right to cry, it's all right to admit I am week, and it's all right to feel anything that I feel. And it's all right to be me, no matter what that may mean. So, here is the time to move on, remember how strong I can be and am, and at the end of the day, I can still do at least 1 pull up, still better than last sumer!
6.12.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"That's great .The people who love us will accept all of us no matter how we feel sometimes. I've been trying to do an unassisted pull ups for two years now that is my goal just one and I still need to use the chair lol So maddening to get an inch away from doing one and not being able to get my chin up high enough lol Those things are hard good for you." -- JACKIE2002
...yep, so as you read yesterday, I figured since I cant' do all the things I want to do, to just give up, forget anything about being healthy, just eat, get fat and lazy because, well, you might as well. Well, duh, that isnt' me. And maybe that was getting me down, but that is silly. I am a person who cares about how I feel and look. I am a person who likes to eat healthy and enjoys a non-healthy treat every now and then. So, that doesn't mean that now i should just give all that up. For some reason, I always eat better when I am working out, and I wansn't working out, so I wasn't eating right. ACK! Not good.
But the truth is, I am still me, I just have to change a few things. I can still eat healthy, it might be harder, but I can still do it, and I can succeed at it. I mean, I used to love that, eating right, meeting my protein goal, etc., but for some reason, I got lazy with it. So, that has to change - I need to eat right again, and just thinking about it makes me feel back on track to finding myself. I don't need to give up who I am completely. It often cracks me up when I look back on how extreme my feelings can be. I mean, the lowest of lows tend to end up making me laugh, I did that the other night. After a mean spell of crying, I just started to laugh.
And today, I realized it was all right to not be OK. It's all right to have symptoms that are not morning sickness and talk about them. It is all right to tell people that maybe I feel crappy because I can't windsurf next week. It is all right to be me. Ahh, that feels good to say...it's all right to be me. And the more I am more, the less worried I am about other people. So, from now on, no more hiding my feelings and thoughts and who I am. If people in my life have accepted me for who I am, then they should accept all of me, and if they can't, that's not my problem. It is all right to be me. That really just makes me smile. I think I felt I wanted to portray this awesome chick who isn't fazed by being pregnant and that is just silly. It affects everyone different and yes, I didn't get sick, I didn't get this or that, but I felt other things and i should talk about them. And I don't have to hide them.
So, thanks everyone on here for telling me I am not alone and reminding me that it is all right to be me and to be open and honest about who I am...and to remember, it is all right to be me!
6.11.2012
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...yep, it was a rough week. I had a great boat day, felt great about just about everything and then, at some point, it just all came crumbling down. I don't know what happened, I don't know why the downward spiral began, but it did. And it was awful. I hate feeling like a loser, like a failure, like I am going to be a terrible mother and i haven't even had the baby yet. I hate it. But I felt it, it crept in and got worse and worse. Then I became worried about what everyone else was going to think of me and how I am going to handle situations and we all know that doesn't go well.
So, I realized today what the deal was. I read the book what to expect when you're expecting and I understand all the changes that I am going through, but they leave out a lot. They leave out how you have to change who you are as a person. Sure, everyone says you don't, and maybe most people don't, but I do. I have to change just about everything. If I wasn't pregnant right now, I would be going for a run, but it probably is too hot for me and baby, so I can't do that. Or maybe I would be planning what kind of cook out and bbq to have tonight, and have people over and celebrate summer, and maybe this sounds bad, but the fun part of that is having an ice cold beer and I can't do that. I would also be more sore from riding harding on the wakeboard yesterday, i also wouldn't be so exhausted from my stupid breakdown. No one tells you that. I also would be tired from my outdoor soccer game, feeling fit and great, but instead I feel fat and lazy after riding the lawnmower and watching soccer.
No one tells you that after you spend most of your life struggling to lose weight and be healthy, you have to gain it. Sure, I can still be healthy and I mostly am, however, it is totally different than my past mindset. I have to eat now. I have to eat a certain number of calories and I have to gain weight. And again, maybe once the bump stops looking like fat, I will feel better about things, but for now, just feeling pudgy. And I feel like that is just what I am goign to feel like for the next 5 months, but it will only get worse.
And of course, books talk about how everyone will tell you what to do with your baby and such, but no one tells you how to tell them off in the nicest way possible. I'm not a person that likes confrontation, I'm a person that likes to keep the peace. But sometimes, keeping the peace is me just keeping my mouth quiet and hiding how I really feel.
I guess right now my biggest thing is how much I have to change. And how hard it is to be myself when I have to change, I am not chosing to change - I get it, I chose to have a baby and I don't regret that at all, but no one really can understand how it feels to have to change in a way that makes you less happy. Mountain biking would make me so happy right now, but I can't do that. Running with my sports bra and working on that tan line woudl make me so happy, but I can't do that. So, I do my best, I try to get as happy as I can with the things that I am allowed to do, but it's hard. It's already having to change me and who I am. Sure, it's just a few months, and then I get to go back to being me, and I also realize that isn't true.
I guess in a way, I just feel like I dont' even know how to feel. I have days where I just decide to be lazy and tired because it is less frustrating that remembering all the things I can't do. I know, I get it, I am selfish and there are plenty of things I can do, so get over it, right? I wish it was that easy. Vacation is coming up and what does that mean, that means a week at a lake house playing on the lake. And in the past, that has meant wind surfing, sailing, kayaking, boating, beer in the summer....and what does it mean this year, maybe some sailing, nothing as fun as I have done in the past and then I can go cart myself around in the kayak because everyone else will be having fun doing something else - or they will even be doign that, so I will have nothing to do. And that just sucks, and I don't know how to feel better about that. I really just don't. Am I just that selfish that I can't let other people have fun that I can't have? Am I just going to feel that left out because I won't be able to join in? Or am I just going to feel sorry for myself because I can't do all the things I want to do? And I just don't feel like anyone can understand. Maybe I can't explain it well, maybe I am not letting people try to understand, but it is hard. It's hard to express any of this to someone who didn't do these things and have to give them up anyways. I feel like anytime I talk about the things I can't do while I am pregnant people just think I am a jerk because I can't give up a few things for a few months. I feel like no one really gets how great all of these things make me feel, so it's easy for them to tell me not to do things. These things fill up my soul, being outside, being hot and sweaty in the sun, being active, that's what I am missing right now. And I try, I try to be happy with what i have and can do. I mean, yes, the boat day was really fun, a huge success and I did just about everything I would normally do. Ha, so I feel mostly normal on the boat, maybe I just go sit on the boat in my front yard.
I don't know, maybe I am just over tired, maybe it was a longer day than I thought yesterday, but I just feel, gosh, I barely even know what I feel right now. I kinda wish I just didnt' have any feelings. Kinda wish I was happy and content to be lazy and eat all I wanted to and not worry about anything. I just feel like it is too hard to be me through all of this - and that is what no one tells you. Or at least I feel like no one understands because no one is me.
6.10.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"Thanks ladies! I needed to hear all that you said! It helped so much to know I am not alone, not a selfish jerk and that is all will be o.k.! Really appreciate this amazing support system I have here!" -- SMFOEGE11
"I think your blog is real and from the heart and I hope that you understand its ok to feel the way you do!
I get the giving up thing - I was training for a triathlon both times I found out I was pregnant and although we were trying it was a blow to now be able to do the things I wanted. OR have a glass of red wine...I misssss my wine :) But you will be able to do those things again and trust me when your holding that baby - the baby that your amazing body housed and help create all of those t..." -- KASONSMOMMA82
"I remember shortly after having my first I was talking to my grandmother about some of my "troubles" and my parenting challenges. She told me to suck it up, no other woman would even admit to the things I was telling her. I am tell you this because you right, and valid in both you feelings and your comment that there is a whole gamut of truth that is left out of books- Being pregnant is hard. So it being a Mom! But lady- you're going to be great at it! Give yourself credit for the things you've ..." -- HC2007
"wow! you are having lots of emotions. I know what you mean about what books and sites are missing. you are right no one is going to understand how you feel about all of this but you. I couldn't tell if you have told others about being pregnant or not, but I do hope you have good friends or family around you. I can only have empathy for your situation. We have different things we are doing without, but I know where you are coming from.
I am not sure if we commenting helps or not, but..." -- HEATHERHUSKER2
...yep, it was a rough week. I had a great boat day, felt great about just about everything and then, at some point, it just all came crumbling down. I don't know what happened, I don't know why the downward spiral began, but it did. And it was awful. I hate feeling like a loser, like a failure, like I am going to be a terrible mother and i haven't even had the baby yet. I hate it. But I felt it, it crept in and got worse and worse. Then I became worried about what everyone else was going to think of me and how I am going to handle situations and we all know that doesn't go well.
So, I realized today what the deal was. I read the book what to expect when you're expecting and I understand all the changes that I am going through, but they leave out a lot. They leave out how you have to change who you are as a person. Sure, everyone says you don't, and maybe most people don't, but I do. I have to change just about everything. If I wasn't pregnant right now, I would be going for a run, but it probably is too hot for me and baby, so I can't do that. Or maybe I would be planning what kind of cook out and bbq to have tonight, and have people over and celebrate summer, and maybe this sounds bad, but the fun part of that is having an ice cold beer and I can't do that. I would also be more sore from riding harding on the wakeboard yesterday, i also wouldn't be so exhausted from my stupid breakdown. No one tells you that. I also would be tired from my outdoor soccer game, feeling fit and great, but instead I feel fat and lazy after riding the lawnmower and watching soccer.
No one tells you that after you spend most of your life struggling to lose weight and be healthy, you have to gain it. Sure, I can still be healthy and I mostly am, however, it is totally different than my past mindset. I have to eat now. I have to eat a certain number of calories and I have to gain weight. And again, maybe once the bump stops looking like fat, I will feel better about things, but for now, just feeling pudgy. And I feel like that is just what I am goign to feel like for the next 5 months, but it will only get worse.
And of course, books talk about how everyone will tell you what to do with your baby and such, but no one tells you how to tell them off in the nicest way possible. I'm not a person that likes confrontation, I'm a person that likes to keep the peace. But sometimes, keeping the peace is me just keeping my mouth quiet and hiding how I really feel.
I guess right now my biggest thing is how much I have to change. And how hard it is to be myself when I have to change, I am not chosing to change - I get it, I chose to have a baby and I don't regret that at all, but no one really can understand how it feels to have to change in a way that makes you less happy. Mountain biking would make me so happy right now, but I can't do that. Running with my sports bra and working on that tan line woudl make me so happy, but I can't do that. So, I do my best, I try to get as happy as I can with the things that I am allowed to do, but it's hard. It's already having to change me and who I am. Sure, it's just a few months, and then I get to go back to being me, and I also realize that isn't true.
I guess in a way, I just feel like I dont' even know how to feel. I have days where I just decide to be lazy and tired because it is less frustrating that remembering all the things I can't do. I know, I get it, I am selfish and there are plenty of things I can do, so get over it, right? I wish it was that easy. Vacation is coming up and what does that mean, that means a week at a lake house playing on the lake. And in the past, that has meant wind surfing, sailing, kayaking, boating, beer in the summer....and what does it mean this year, maybe some sailing, nothing as fun as I have done in the past and then I can go cart myself around in the kayak because everyone else will be having fun doing something else - or they will even be doign that, so I will have nothing to do. And that just sucks, and I don't know how to feel better about that. I really just don't. Am I just that selfish that I can't let other people have fun that I can't have? Am I just going to feel that left out because I won't be able to join in? Or am I just going to feel sorry for myself because I can't do all the things I want to do? And I just don't feel like anyone can understand. Maybe I can't explain it well, maybe I am not letting people try to understand, but it is hard. It's hard to express any of this to someone who didn't do these things and have to give them up anyways. I feel like anytime I talk about the things I can't do while I am pregnant people just think I am a jerk because I can't give up a few things for a few months. I feel like no one really gets how great all of these things make me feel, so it's easy for them to tell me not to do things. These things fill up my soul, being outside, being hot and sweaty in the sun, being active, that's what I am missing right now. And I try, I try to be happy with what i have and can do. I mean, yes, the boat day was really fun, a huge success and I did just about everything I would normally do. Ha, so I feel mostly normal on the boat, maybe I just go sit on the boat in my front yard.
I don't know, maybe I am just over tired, maybe it was a longer day than I thought yesterday, but I just feel, gosh, I barely even know what I feel right now. I kinda wish I just didnt' have any feelings. Kinda wish I was happy and content to be lazy and eat all I wanted to and not worry about anything. I just feel like it is too hard to be me through all of this - and that is what no one tells you. Or at least I feel like no one understands because no one is me.
6.10.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"No they don't ever really tell you how you'll feel. They always leave it so vague. I guess because every person is different and every pregnancy is different also. I would like to read a book that says your going to feel like crap about yourself or your going to be a raging lunatic or you are going to be a cry mess.lol instead of "some women may be feeling a bit emotional this month". Talk about a understatement. Every mother goes through the am i going to be a good mother then after the baby ..." -- JACKIE2002
Yep, the numbers went up this week, I guess way up compared to how it was going. According to my scale I was up 2.5 pounds this week which makes a total of 10 pounds in 14 weeks...almost 15 weeks. I feel pretty all right with that. I think it was high due to eating late at night last and having a second lunch earlier in the week, for some reason, I was just wanting food - wasn't really hungry, but my body wanted something. I also worked out more this week, so that is probably another reason why I was hungry. So, that makes me still a lower weight than I was last summer the first time out on the boat, I think...and I feel pretty all right with that, since there is a baby inside of me as well. I am thinking at this rate I will gain between 25-30 pounds, which should be a good amount. Not too much and enough to make sure the baby can grow.
I had a tough night again last night, but in the end I was able to talk to my husband and tell him how I was feeling about things, about how I feel about myself (still kind of in the stage where I feel fat and not my little bump, but working to get over that, and actually kind of showing off the bump a little today - and I think it looks like a bump, not like fat!), about how I feel about all kinds of things. And it was good to release. I discovered I am tired of pretending, I am tired of pretending that I am happy and thrilled with eveyrthing, I am tired of pretending that things don't bother me, I am tired of pretending that eveything is all right, when sometimes, it might not be. I am tired of feeling like I am being judged for everything I do - and I just want to run away, I want to hide. I don't want to talk to people about being pregnant because all those people that I am talking to are judging me for being active still and doing what I am doing. So, I was tired. And after releasing it, a huge load was lifted off of me...I felt suddenly better to not hold all of that inside. It was one of those things I didnt' realize I was holding inside until I let it all out.
And phew, I was glad I did. I slept better than I had in nights last night, I felt more at peace with myself, I felt more in control of myself and how I feel. I felt like I was able to express my thougths and feelings in a positive way, of course, I had to work through some negative first. So, here I am today, a new day, with a new plan, with new confidence....confidence that is different from the confidence that I have been working so hard on before I got pregnant. Just another thing to work on, I guess.
But tomorrow, tomorrow I am going to get up with a good attitude, I am going to put on my bikini with confidence and I am going to be proud of my bump, not try to suck it is like it is fat. And I will have a fun day...and I will enjoy the sun, water and good times.
6.8.2012
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Yes, today is a good day, actually, all days have been good days since my last freakout! I had a few crabby days, Monday was one of those - but c'mon, it was a Monday! I worked out - did Legs and Back - P90x on Friday and wow, did I need it! I was sore for days, I think yesterday I was finally able to sit down without pain. But it was good for me - showed me how much more I needed and now I just feel so much stronger - so yes, using the extra weight as a extra resistance! And today I went for a run. I ran for about 3 minutes and breathing was really hard, so I walked a bit and decided to give running ago after about 10 minutes of walking. And I was able to finish pretty strong with 17 more minutes of running. I didnt' really ever get that out of breath and I took my water as well. It was a good morning for that.
It just reminds me how much I need phsycial activity. I have still been a bit tired, but I have decided that naps no more! When I get home from work, I will go outside with the dog, walk, run, do whatever. And then, after that, if I am tired, I will just adjust my day and go to bed early. I sleep worse at night when I nap and the naps don't even really help! Yesterday I took no nap and I slept grat. Sure, I got up a few times to use the bathroom, but I didn't even notice my dog was on top of my legs I was so out!
It was great, I love feeling great. I am not going to worry about when I will freakout and not feel great - I am going to just enjoy the way I feel. I am starting to show a bit. I feel my clothes all still fit (well, some of them), so I havent' gotten any maternity clothes, but then I also just feel like I look fat. Oh well, I am over being concerned about it.
Saturday we are headed out on the boat and I have some thoughts that I will not like how I look in my swimsuit and what not - well, who cares! I am going to just have the confidence that I look just fine in what I am wearing and I am goign to enjoy the day on the boat and the time in the water.
Yes, for today, I am done being concerned about what people think - let's hope that keeps going!
6.6.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"That's great ! i know for me i need that physical exercise it helps me think destress and makes my body feel so good even if it hurts for a few days after it's a good hurt.lol. I always hate wearing a bathing suit the first little bit between showing and actually looking pregnant now that other people can tell my belly is baby and not fat i feel a lot better about wearing so little and not being covered up. its weird once my belly popped it was a huge switch in my thought from seeing myself as l..." -- JACKIE2002
...just yesterday I was on such a high, feeling so great, soaking up the sunshine and then it happened. I had a huge freakout. We went climbing and I was frustrated. I am getting worse instead of better and that makes me upset. I felt worse than I did the very first time we went - well, I didn't feel that bad. But I was frustrated. And I didn't know how to release it. Climbing was supposed to be one of those things tha kept me feeling normal. Climbing was supposed to remind me that I am strong and can still do things, instead, I let myself beat myself up. I was mad because I couldn't do the climb right the first time, I was upset because I was so sweaty and tired from a climb I have done with no problem. I had to stop and take breaks and rest - so lame! And while I know that isn't true, that is how it feels, It feels like I just have to prepare to get WORSE at things instead of better and that is hard. How do you go from always wanting to be the best and get personal bests and such to kinda just sucking at things?
I know, I know, I have a baby growing inside of me, so everything I do is going to be harder, I am hauling more of myself up the wall, working harder, so in some ways, I am a better climber. I don't know, I just don't feel like it.
So, I have 2 choices (and I couldn't even stop the crying last night to think of these - I tried, but it was too tough - I was too angry at myself for everything, for being mad that I have to get worse at things, for feeling selfish because I am missing out on all kinds of fun things, for feeling like I am going to be a terrible mom because - well, just because.) . But today I see my choices. And I can give up, and forget about getting fit and working hard, or I can accept that I am not going to get better at things, but just work hard to stay strong. And I want to make the second choice, I really do - I really want to be strong, work out hard enough to keep my muscles happy and just see how it all plays out. I have to remember that a baby is growing inside of me and that is a pretty huge and amazing thing. I tend to forget that, I just want to be awesome at everything I do - and when I can't be, it isn't as much fun.
But now I have to take on a new attittude, now isn't the time to get better at things, now is a time to better myself, mentally and physically. I can work to get my muscles strong to support my body so that when the baby comes, I will be ready to be back into doing things. I can work to get my mind in a settled and happy place - I can unclutter my mind and allow myself to open up to the all the possibilities that are in front of me and my new family. I can clear my head and get straight all the things I want to have straightened out by the time the baby comes. And I can be a strong and wonderful pregnant woman and a strong and wonderful mom. It is just so easy not to think that sometimes. But let's turn the page, at least for today, and look up - and take it one day at a time - and make each day count with my baby and family now - and not waste time crying, being upset and judging myself, no one needs that - there are enough people out there judging me! Here's looking to the rain today to cleanse me of my negative feelings and moving forward with a smile and positive feelings!
5.31.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"I think one of the most difficult things to learn when you become pregnant is to pace yourself. Things take more time and you just are not physically capable of the quality/quantity of work you used to do. (Thank heavens it's temporary!) I've had to learn that if I push myself the way I did pre-pregnancy I will pay for it for a couple of days. So even though in my "normal" life I would consider myself a lazy bum, right now slow and steady seems to win the race. You're doing a great job! Oh..." -- NURSE11EMS
"i feel that same kind of frustration. you work so hard to get fit always pushing yourself to do better and then bang your sick and too tired to work out or do anything really then when you do start feeling like you can again its frustrating what you could do just a few weeks ago is so much harder to do now. It's hard for someone who is so driven to achieve their goals to then go into a holding pattern something i have trouble with every pregnancy. i just have to keep telling myself i am only hu..." -- JACKIE2002
"Best way to be - take each day ONE DAY AT A TIME! It will all work out. Focus on being healthy and strong and not making it a competition with yourself! And the freak outs are totally normal! That's your hormones surging. I have cried twice this morning already! Cheers lady - it will all be ok and you have us ladies as support!" -- KASONSMOMMA82
...yep, today as I was driving to work, I just felt lucky. I am lucky to be happy and healthy and have a wonderful husband that loves me. I have been lucky that I haven't gotten sick, althougth I have noticed that the past few days, if I wait too long to eat, I don't feel so great, as if I am going to toss my cookies, but eating tends to fix it. Anyways, I am lucky that I am feeling some more energy, I took out some weights and did some arm exercises yesterday - today's agenda includes a run, maybe some climbing, and for tomorrow Legs and Back - Tony Horton style - I can't wait. Friday, I plan to yoga as well. I always know I feel so much better when I work out, I sleep better, I drink more water and I tend to eat better. So, let's hope this work out roll keeps going!
But anyways, I just feel lucky, maybe it is what people even called blessed, I don't usually use that word, but I just feel like I am in such a great place - life is pretty great these days, and while this new baby will change all of that, I think it will be a good change. No, Sean and I can't just pick up and take a trip once the baby is here, there will be a little more planning that will need to take place, but I feel good that we can do it and make our life what we want it to be. It will be harder and maybe some days I won't want to plan for those things, but for now, I am going to take advantage of the freedom that we still have. We can still pick up and go and take our adventures to wherever we want.
Yep, just feel lucky today, nothing to vent about, nothing to whine or cry about, just grateful to feel happy deep inside - and know that as long as I remember to feel grateful and lucky each day, I will keep that happiness deep down inside of me!
5.30.2012
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"i thought that was funny i am doing legs and back today. and glad your feeling so happy, have a great day." -- JACKIE2002
...yep, the husband was right, and I think I knew he was, but I still was mad about it, ha! Oh geesh...what can you do? I was feeling like I was destined to just get fat during this pregnancy, I wasn't really watching what I was eating, I wasn't working out, and well, I just felt fat and bloated and all that good stuff. But then as I was climbing yesterday, I realized it doesn't have to be that way. I worked my butt off for quite a few months up until I found out I was pregnant to work to have a healthy life style - to eat right, to work out, all of that stuff. And there is no reason any of that needs to stop. Yes, perhpas I have a little more freedom, but giving myself a free pass to eat whatever I want is not going to be good. So, I won't. I will eat like I have been eating and yes, like I said, I will have a few more calories and most of those will be good for me, and every now and then, I will be able to have a little treat. There is nothing that I am craving so bad that I feel like I am depriving myself, I just like to eat. And this is a free pass to do so!
NO IT ISN"T! This is a chance and a test to see how well I did at establishing my new lifestyle. This is a chance to prove to myself that I can eat well and stick to my lifestyle that I had established. This is my test to keep working on my healthy lifestyle so that when the baby comes, I will be able to continue to eat right, cook right and be balanced. This is my chance to keep working at the lifestyle I want to teach my kid - and an even better chance to really drill it into me and my life. I can do this, I don't have to get fat like I was thinking I was destined to, I can be fit, I can still have my guns (and heck, can even work nice and hard on those!), I can work on my legs getting stronger and everything else. I can keep doing my pull ups. I can do it. I can be awesome and make sure that don't just turn to a fat blob.
So, yeah, he was right when he said all the things he said last night, i just wasn't ready to hear it, I had to come to it on my own - when he was telling me not to get fat, I was worried I already had and that he was seeing it. Nope, not the case, I just needed to step back and see that all is not lost, I had a few bad weeks of eating, what can you do? Right now I still am littlier than I was last summer - so the plan, keep working out, keep the baby cool and keep getting stronger - after all, the extra weight will be a great workout for walking, running and everything else I do! So, yes, motivated and ready to kick butt - too bad it is pretty much too hot to go outside and run, a walk with the dog, maybe a few bursts of some light running, cleaning, yoga and getting ready for the weekend - sounds like an amazing summer night!
5.24.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"Well said.good for you, you laid down the ground work and sounds like you have the motivation to keep it up. here's a link to a blog of this woman i was reading. i enjoyed it thought maybe you might also.
...yes, so it was either the wonderful camping and climbing weekend I had with my husband and dog to get my soul back to nature, or it is the fact that I just started my second tri-mester, but whatever it may be, I feel like a different person. I have energy to go running, I am not tired the moment I wake up and I am finally excited about the little baby growing inside of me! Yesterday was another appointment and the doctor used the dopler to hear the heart beat - it was comical to me, becuase it still didn't hit me - I still didn't cry, I didn't get so excited I couldn't stand it, the doctor smiled at me and asked if I could hear it and on cue, I realized I should smile and be excited. Ha, made me laugh and then made me think that she thought I was insensitive for not being more excited - and you know, it just made me laugh more, it didnt' make me feel bad! And that is a huge step for me! I didn't let what I thought she was thinking get me down, I happily laughed it off! I gained about 2 pounds since my last visit, which was a month ago, but I feel pretty all right with that. I mean, my diet changed (I wasn't even motivated to eat well!) and I stopped working out. But I am happy to report, I felt like cooking again last night and now that the house will be stocked with awesome groceries (sending the hubby out today to get them!), I will be prepared to eat well again and gain my weight wisely. Sure, I am still going to eat some Taco Bell and deep fried poppers, but maybe that is what the baby wants! :)
So, yes, I feel good, I am excited, I can finally tell people. I don't have to just feel like I am getting fat, I have the motivation to work out and keep myself moving. I have the motivation to just take this second tri-mester by storm and face it with all the positive thoughts I am feeling today. I am done being worried about others, I will worry about me, baby and husband - oh and our dog!
It is a great feeling to finally tell everyone - it seems funny to me to wait (I get why), however, it seems like I wish people would have known when I wanted to just lay down and was crabby a few weeks ago, instead I had to try and hide and fight that. BUt what can you do, now I am moving forward and I am ready to move forward! Hooray, I am excited about the baby and that feels very good! :)
5.23.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"That's great! i know the feeling i woke up the other morning thinking okay i feel normal wth. i'm hoping this good energy keeps up i have started working out again also and it feels great weird how a person can miss that when your so used to working out everyday. And have went back more or less eating healthy still satisfy those craving though cause that what the baby wants lol. it feels so freeing telling people i am the same way once i heard the heartbeat i told everyone now they know why ive..." -- JACKIE2002
"YAY ! so happy to hear you are feeling better and feeling great about things!!!" -- KASONSMOMMA82
Yep, that about sums up how I have been feeling for the past few weeks, or maybe just few days, or not even sure. I am annoyed with everything and everyone, just little things - I have been trying and succeed really well at not being too annoyed with the hubby, but things complete strangers do, drive me nuts! Then, on top of that, I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I still feel nothing about a baby growing inside of me. I have been lucky to not have had any negative problems, for the most part, I have been tired, but that is also due to a crazy few work weerks. And I feel grateful that I haven't felt anything, but also, at the same time, in a way, I wish I felt something, so I would know there is a baby inside of me, I still just feel like my belly is getting bigger and I am just turning lazy. And that isn't any fun! I have spent so much of my life working so hard to not be lazy and fat, and now I have no choice. And I know I am not getting fat, I am having a baby - I get that. I dont' know, I just feel guilty I am not more excited about it all. Maybe it is just because I am tired, maybe it was just because the ultrasound was a bean with a little flicker on it, who knows...but all I know is the way I feel is dragging me down. Like I said, maybe I am just more tired and wiped out than I think...or am I just using this baby as an excuse to not work out and be as active as I have been in the past - yes, that is true, for sure!
So, this week I planned to start my workouts again, of course, not too extreme, but just things to get me moving and there isn't any reason I can't work out my legs and arms and everything else...and well, so far, it is Wednesday and i didn't do anything yet, that's not good. So, today is the day I will start, I will either run/jog or do a leg workout and one of those is happening today, no matter what!
I am going camping/climbing with my husband this weekend and the last thing I want is to be crappy for that - who knows, maybe that is what I need, a good escape from reality and getting lost in nature - perhaps it has been too long since I did that. I am hoping this weekend will clear my head and get me in a better place -
But who is to say what is the best place to be? How am I supposed to know what to feel? People want to talk to me all the time about it, how are you feeling, how about this, did you gain any weight yet, where are you going to have the baby, blah, blah, blah...I guess in a way, since I don't feel the baby is here, I don't feel any reason to talk about those things - I appreciate people asking me how I am, I really do, but I like to think I have more things to talk about than just my pregnancy....does that make me weird, or strange, or should I feel guilty about that? Well, I do! I feel bad that I don't have more things to say, I feel bad that I am not more excited to tell people all kinds of things, I feel bad that I haven't planned more for the babies arrival...and I am tired of feeling bad about things.
I get that your life changes when you have a baby and that much more than you think of your life becomes about your child, but in a way, I feel like too many people I know just lose thier own identity in having a kid...I mean, sure, if that is what you wanted all your life, that is what you will do - but for me, I want more than just to be a mom - I want to be a strong, confident women that my kid can look up to - and I can't do that if my life revolves around my child. I need to stay who I am, I need to keep active and run and climb and bike, after all, a happy mom makes a happy baby, right? So, why do I feel so guilty when I want to keep doing those things and think about how I am goign to do those things after the baby is born?
I am ready to move past feeling bad and just allow myself to feel what I feel. Sometimes I can't help the way I feel. don't get me wrong, I want to have this baby, I do...and maybe all of the things I see and read are just reminding me of ways I don't want to be as a parent. I know I am judged for what I do (I played my last soccer game last week - just about 11 weeks - and I KNOW my sister disagreed with that!) and I will continue to be judged for what I do, especially when I look more pregnant, I plan to climb, run and stay as active as I can...so, unless I plan on feeling bad for 30 more weeks, I need to get over the judging - who cares what other people think, how do they know what is best for me? I like to think that I know best for me - nope, I DO know what is best for me and if that doesn't line up with everyone else - then so be it! I plan on making my life what I want to it to be and I don't want my life to revolve around my child when it gets here, I want my child to be a part of my life...and right now, me just not really thinking about, is the best way to make that happen - of course - I am still eating right and doing all the things I should do - I am not going to be stupid...so, until I feel things, or rather when I feel things, I will deal with them - more often than I have been and everything will get figured out.
Wow, it was way too long since a blog - this is just all over the place, but it sure feels good to get it out! No more guilt - no more judging myself there are enough people that do that - let them think what they want - I know how to make me happy and if I am not happy - my child won't have the life I want it to! So, I am over it, I am not going to be upset because maybe I gained more weight than my sister in law (who has pointed out NUMEROUS times that she didnt' gain ANY weight in her first tri-mester), I will just be me - and know that I am going to take care of me the best ways that I can!
5.16.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"I completely understand that not feeling anything for the baby feeling. I'm almost 22 weeks and even though I've been feeling movement for a month I'm just now starting to experience emotion from it. As far as getting out and being active, good for you! You're body will let you know when you're overdoing it, trust me. Enjoy your time outdoors!" -- NURSE11EMS
"Thanks ladies! And I had the energy to go come home and go for a run - made me so happy! :)" -- SMFOEGE11
"People have a tendency to be very opinionated more so when your pregnant or have a small baby It's like they feel they have a right to when in every other situation they would just refrain. I always try to remember what works for me may not work for everyone else. My situation is different from the person next to me and try not to judge what they think is best for them. But it is hard when they feel they have a right to judge what you do. I've been blessed that the family i do have accept me and..." -- JACKIE2002
"People are crazy about giving advice ESPECIALLY when it comes to pregnancy and kids. You are smart to let it roll off your back and focus on doing what you think is right. You will never make everyone happy and everyone has their own opinions. That is the best "Mom" advice I ever received....do what feels right for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. That's all that matter!
And instead of focusing on all that you will miss out on - think about all that you will gain.... children do change your life but in m..." -- KASONSMOMMA82
Yes, had my first ultrasound yesterday and saw the tiny flicker of what was considered a heart beat. And saw the tiny bean that was supposed to be considered a baby. How strange, what an odd thing going on in my body, things are just growing inside of me, and I have an extra heartbeat. How come everyone always says that when you see the heart beat, it will feel more real. it still doesn't feel real. Maybe a part of me is still concerned something my happen and I don't want to get too attached to this raspberry, or maybe I am just weird. I don't really know. I feel like maybe there is something wrong with me since I didn't feel all giddy and screamy and crying with happy tears when I saw the heart beat. I was just kinda like, all right, there it is, it is in me, that's cool. I don't know, just wasn't the reaction I was expecting of myself. I was thinking I was going to act different - like I said, some tears of joy, some happy fluttery feelings, but nope, just thought it was cool.
But why do I need to judge myself on how I feel. I mean, aren't there enough people doing that.....my doctor talked to me about my age, and my risks for certain things - and tests to see if there is anything wrong with my baby. It is just so much to think about. I knew there was going to be a lot to think about when we decided to have a baby, but I don't think I knew how deeply we were going to need to think and talk about things...and it is so amazing to see that we are growing at the same rate as the little raspberry inside of me!
4.24.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"I don't think your weird. I was the same way with my first one it didn't really seem real it was almost like i was looking into someone elses body and i wasn't overjoyed just scared and had irrational fears that something was going to happen and id lose him or there was going to be something wrong with him. The first time i really had those tears of joy was the first time i seen him. I beat myself up about it all i could think is am i horrible person for not feeling like other moms do when their..." -- JACKIE2002
"awwww congrats that you saw the heartbeat! I don't think your weird at all for feeling that way! I didn't feel pregnant until I could feel the baby moving and had a bit of a tummy!" -- KASONSMOMMA82
Well, maybe it wasn't tough, it was just tiring. Monday night I got pretty sick, not sure from the baby or from the protein shake I had...just to be safe, I am going to pass on that shake from here on out. Then, the rest of the week, I just felt kinda crappy. Nothing really wrong...as the week went on, I got some strange pain in my left leg/back/hip and just felt beat up and broken down. I have been trying really hard to not let my emotions get the best of me, have tried to be strong, but I needed a moment to be weak.
And I think that might have been my downfall. I came home from work yesterday and instead of taking the dog out, I took a nap. Now, I know that I should listen to my body and rest when I am tired, but I think I was just being lazy. I think I was using the fact that I was supposed to be tired to take a nap. And I am all right with that, I think. Maybe I am not. I have spent most of my life trying not to be lazy and not taking naps and pushing through these times of being tired and being in pain. And now I have to change that - or do I? Of course, I think I know when I need sleep and more than anything, yesterday I think I just needed to relax for a while. Of course, there are a million things going on at work, the husband is leaving for the weekend, no dog sitter for Sunday and well, just was needing a break - a break from being strong. And then I started to judge myself for failing at being strong - not helpful! I have to accept my feelings as they are and deal with them, there is no room for judgement in my life - there are enough people that are going to do that, I don't need to judge myself!
I got home from my soccer game and took a nice long, hot shower. And then I cried a bit. But this time my crying was different then it used to be. This time my crying didn't last long and I was able to calm myself down very quickly. I think that even before I found out I was pregnant, I was working really hard to keep my emotions more in check - and I was succeeding and impressed that I still am. Of course, I did yell and the dish drainer the other day because it kept falling, but overall, I am happy with how I am dealing with my body changes and my emotions.
So, I feel all right about my cry yesterday, I feel all right that I let it out and I feel all right that for a few moments, I wasn't strong, I let myself be weak. And then, while feeling weak, beaten and battered, I remembered that I was strong and while I have a million worries and fears, I can do this...and I can succeed at this - and I can embrace all of this and love each moment of it - so that's the plan from here on out - the week is almost over and I look ahead to next week to get myself back on track and keep that strong feeling going - and if I have to break down and feel week every now and then, it is all right - it is just a step to getting stronger.
4.20.2012
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Yes, yesterday was quite the day. Felt pretty good all day, work was just work, of course, it is my busiest time of the year, so there is no room for tired! Then, got home to a great dinner waiting for me and my husband and I went to fly kites. He has many trick kites and bought me my own when I got pregnant as a new, less strenuous activity that we will do. We were out there flying and the wind was crazy, and my dog was even crazier...as I was trying to get the dog under control, the kite swooped down and someone got me - the strings gave me some pretty good cuts on my hand. Not a big deal, was a bit bloody and sore, but not enough to make me not want to climb that evening.
So, we cleaned me up and headed off the gym. And it was great, I have been taking some easier routes and working on my staminia, rather than pushing myself like crazy. It was great, I got my pull up work in and was able to do it! Which it always so excited.
Then, we got home and I decided to have some protein powder in some milk and a banana...and then the night was over! I wish I was able to go to bed, but nope, but stomach wasn't happy. At first, it was a cramp, which wasn't all that crazy. When I don't eat for a while, I get a small cramp, I think it's the baby reminding me to eat. Well, all I wanted to do was throw it all up...and eventually I did - and felt a bit better. But my stomach was still a bit unhappy...which was eventually taken care of in another way (not to get too gross!). So, then the mail problem was how stuffed up my nose was and how sore my throat was! I had read that you produce more saliva when you are pregnant and that is for sure! I couldnt' even breath out of my nose. FInally, I decided just to lay down and hope for sleep, which I got here and there, but was awoken by my puppy (who is a 90 pound lab) cuddled on top of me and my finger pain occassionally stirred me from sleep.
So, all in all, I am hoping this isn't something that will become a part of my evening. I am thinking something I ate didn't agree with me and I am hoping that what I eat today will settle well. It was lame because I ate so healthy yesterday. Oh well, what can you do? I am guessing each day will be different and if through my 7 weeks (today marks 7 weeks and makes me so excited!!), this was the worst, I'll take it. And just hope the next few weeks are just as good as the last 7!
4.17.2012
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So, today is my weigh in day, and I know I shouldn't be trying to lose weight, but I would say that for at least the past 4 months, I have been on a roll and dropping a pound or so here and there, so each Friday I wake up with hopes that my number will be down. And I finally made it under 150, then 140, and when I found out I was pregnant I was at 139.5. And felt great about that! Was on such a roll, couldn't wait to see that number go ever lower. Well, that kind of has to stop. Today's weigh in was back up at 140. Which isn't bad, I don't feel bad about that, but I also want to not gain weight during the first trimester. However, I don't have as much control over my body as I used to. I can't work out as hard. But I can eat as well as I have been, or even better. So, I have 2 choices, I can toss in the towel, be pissed that I didn't lose weight, be upset that my life is taking a different turn and just eat whtaever I want, whenever I want.
Or, I can learn a thing or two from a previous lesson I just learned. See, I go climbing on a regular basis with my husband - and when we are done, I have a certain pull up routine I try to do (too hard to explain). Well, needless to say, we went climbing last week and I couldnt' do it. I couldn't do what I had done so many times in the past. And I was MAD! And I decided at that point I had 2 choices. I could get even more mad, and cry about it and play the woe is me game, or I can suck it up and work even harder to get stronger to kick those pull ups butt next time. And sure enough, on Wednesday evening, after I was awesome at climbing, I walked over the wall to face my demon. And well, I did it, and not only did I do it, I almost made it to the next level, which I am not sure if that ever happened.
So, today, I left for work a little upset, feeling kinda cranky, annoyed that my husband went out after work, ha, even though I was sleeping when he would have come home, and just feeling a bit off. Not tired, just cranky. I felt bad, my good-bye was only half hearted...and well, I sat in the car and thought about my options. I could be upset that I gained a half pound this week, or I can realize that I had a few too many sweets (I did think most were in my calorie range) and not enough fruits and veggies. And I also realize that my weight is going to flucuate even more than it used to. So, I am chosing to look on the bright side, I only gained a half pound. Next week, I plan to eat better for me, and the sweet pea and work out more. I plan to get lifting back into my workout plan, because making myself stronger will help the baby...of course, nothing extreme.
I plan on chosing to be positive, I plan on not being upset that our house is messy, but rather chosing to clean it. I plan on being positive about the changes happening to my body, not upset that I feel like I look like a cow (even though I don't look any different, probably). I plan on focusing on the good...and getting through these times...seems like these times are a bit tougher because I don't feel the baby yet...maybe it will all be better once I hear the heartbeart, or once I start showing....but in the mean time, I plan on making good choices and being positive...and I plan on knowing that I know what is best for me and my sweet pea, and I can make it all happen! I plan on being positive....
4.13.2012
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Yes, I have ready more on the internet and this site has been really helpful and I am finding more and more things about ways to keep up my active lifestyle while having this little sweet pea growing inside of me. I don't feel like everything little thing I am going to do will mess something up, I have decided to be confident in what I have decided to do and feel good about it. I spent a great deal of time talking things over with my husband - I told him he has the final word no matter what, if he thinks what I am doing isn't safe or a good idea, then he can let me know, we can chat about it and if he wishes I not do it, I won't. I think at first he had me really nervous about things. Of course, neither of us had/have any idea what we are doing, so it makes sense. But now we have talked to people, read things and both feel much better about it. We have some people that are so supportive and think we should just keep doing things. Of course, there are others who are questioning of things and I get that, but in my opinion, I am eating right, I am resting when I am tired (which I still haven't been hit with yet) and overall keeping myself happy.
It's funny, I was talking with my sister about it, she has 3 kids, so I was looking for some advice on things, and I should have known better - we are WAY different, she never was very active and I always was playing sports or doing things. So, she wasn't so supportive of some of my activities, and I get it -she is just looking out for me. My brother in law told me that I just don't want to question myself and what I have done...and I agree with that. But then my sister told me that before she knew she was pregnant with 2 of her 3, she had a few nights of quite a bit of drinking. And she wasn't encourgaing me to drink - thankfully since we were trying, I had cut down and haven't had much to drink when I was pregnant...but it made me laugh that somehow that was all right, but my bike riding, maybe wasn't so good.
Anyways, I feel good about me and what I am doing. I am going to keep being active and working out to make myself as strong as I can be. That was my goal before I got this little baby inside of me - and that is my goal now and will always be my goal. For the next few weeks, I will work hard, not too hard, but make sure that make myself committ to workouts and not be lazy. I have to admit, I have been a little lazy - and I feel all right about that, but no more. Time to start lifting some weights and get this body ready for all the awesome and amazing things that are goign to happen to me!
And at the end of the day, you can do 100% everything right and something not great can still happen - my husband and I have that train of thought and as long as we communicate and he continues to support me, I will be happy - which will make for a happy baby!
On another note, I think we figured out how to decorate the baby's room! So excited to get started on it, but a a few other projects need to be taken care of first!
4.12.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"It is such a tough transition when you first get pregnant figuring out what will change and what doesn't have to. I think you have a good plan - being on the same page as your hubby is what is important. Unfortunately you will find that people all have their own opinions and will tell you what they think even if you don't want to hear it! Stay true to yourself and listen to your body...thats what I did with my first pregnancy.....you will know what is right and whats not! Congrats and wishing ..." -- KASONSMOMMA82
Oh my, of course, you are warned about how your horomones control you, but I am so happy with how well I have been dealing with them so far. Yes, Rocky Mountain High made me cry a little bit today when I was bellowing it out - but only because this baby will keep us from moving to the mountains - and there is nothing wrong with that. I found out yesterday that my husband wasn't sure I was happy about the baby. And I felt terrible that he felt that way. Yes, at first, I was shocked, a little bummed due to how things have to change and just overwhelmed by things. But I have turned the corner. I have read enough to know I can keep up my current lifestyle (to an extent). And I am so excited I have a little appleseed inside of me that will grow - of course, as I was looking ahead at some books yesterday, part of me thinks maybe he should just stay inside, but that isnt' going to work. So, I was happy to chat with my husband and let him know that I would devasted if something happened to this baby. He wasn't sure I would be so upset if we had to try again, but I would be. I mean, the baby is a part of me, whether I feel it or not, or feel anything, it is there and I am responsible for it and I am bonded to it, even if I don't feel it, I know if anything happen, I would feel awful. So, I plan to keep taking care of me and this little appleseed inside of me (from here on out I will refer to it as the size it is supposed to be!) and being the best me I can be for my new appleseed!!
4.5.2012
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Yes, we are expecting - it seems unreal to me right now, seems like it isn't true. I took a test, it said it was true, I didn't believe it, so I took another. We had been trying for about a year and now all of a sudden, here we are! And I am excited - I think! But it is so strange - there are so many feelings and emotions I have to work through. I was just on a great workout and weight loss roll, lost 10 pounds since the beginning on March and now, in a way, I have to give that up. I have to shift my thinking - and that took a few days, and I am still in the process of shifting my thinking. I am no longer going to focus on the jumps I will be landing this summer on the wake board.
Instead, I will be figuring out all the things I am still able to do that make me who I am. I won't be able to do the mountain bike race this summer - bummed about that, I was going to tear it up! And it almost seems not fair that I have to give up all these things. I know that isn't the right way to look at it, but it anyone else out there thinking these thoughts? Or have had these thoughts? I feel selfish for thinking it. And maybe it will all change once I hear the baby's heartbeat or get a confirmation from the doctor that the baby is there. But, well, the past few days have been me adjusting. Adjusting to the new lifestyle - I eat pretty well, I workout, and I don't even really drink that much, so the biggest thing I will miss will be my activities.
I know I can find other activities, but the thing is, these activities are all newish to me and I finally felt like this summer was going to be the one where I was awesome at everything. This was going to be the summer where I had a six pack and was in the best shape ever - I was on my way - and now that has to change. I have to focus on different things. And while the process of getting there has caused me to cry a few times, I feel like I am getting there. I am ready to be a fit, pregnant woman who can take care of myself, still do things I want to do and all while making sure it is all right for my baby. I don't want to sit around and sleep and watch TV my whole pregnancy - I want to work to keep moving and keep myself in shape. Is that selfish? I dont' think so, isn't the saying a happy mommy makes a happy baby?
Why are there so many things/people on the internet that call you selfish because you want to keep your active lifestyle? Is it wrong that I want to make sure I stay the person I am while having a baby? I know that my life will change, I am not stupid, but right now, when there isn't a baby around to have to care for (even though I will care for it while it is inside me) and we still have some freedom, why can't we take advantage of that? Can I still go hike some 14ers this summer in Colorado like planned? Will people stare and scoff at me? Does that make me selfish? And can't I still be a little selfish before the baby gets here? Does that make me a bad person? I am taking care of myself, I am not drinking or smoking or gaining 80 pounds. Doesn't that count for anything?
Or now that I am pregnant, do I have to give up everything? Do I have to give up who I am and now just sit and talk about babies? Do I have to change who I am? We told my husband's brother and his wife, who were very excited! They have been asking us when we are having kids since we got married. And my sister in law proceeded to tell me she was excited that she now has someone that will sit "on land" with her during the family vacation. Well, that's not me, that's not my plan. My plan is to do as much as I can while on the trip. After all, next year on the vacation, I will have a baby to look out for. This year, I can take it with on the boat and the kayak and wherever else I go. My plan is not to change who I am, at least for as long as I can.
And I tell people that, and they say, well, you are having a baby, that will change things. Yes, I understand that, and maybe I am living in a world of fantasy by thinking I can still be who I am while I have a child, but isn't that my right? Isn't it up to me what I do after the baby is born as well? I understand that from this moment forward my life will change - I mean, it has already! But what I don't need is people telling me all the ways that I need to change. Huh, I think I just realized that statement now. I don't want people to tell me all the ways I have to change. I want to figure out for myself how I have to change to make things happen. And maybe they are all right, maybe my life will be totally different then I imagine, but isn't that up to me? Yes, that is up to me. Not up to other people to tell me.
So, while it is too early to tell people, I look forward to telling the people that will support me (not that those that are telling me different things don't support me) and support the things I want to do. I look forward to figuring out with my husband how we will maintain our awesome lifestyle with our baby and how we will make sure that this kid is just as awesome as we are! And that makes me smile and makes me excited!!
4.4.2012
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"i am in the same boat as you. This is my fourth baby. All of my pregnancies i have been very active. I have been on the same weight loss roll to when i found out i was pregnant and i felt those same feeling i have had to also change my thinking from losing weight to maintaining a healthy body for my baby to grow in. All my other pregnancies i had a lot of people condemn me for staying active id get those looks of what the heck is she doing she's pregnant, but i had read a lot of information and ..." -- JACKIE2002
"Well said!!! I too have been on a exercise/weight loss run for some months now and it bothers me to have to change how i was doing things!! I don't plan on taking a year off maternity (in canada) and no one seems to understand why I won't. I don't want my job to change, I want to get back to work and do the same thing I use to do. I want to be able to support my child in whatever he/she needs, and for me to do that I need to work! Unemployment is just not enough. It's not as if I'll be working f..." -- NATDES28
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