OK, so I just left a journal entry. How is that different from a blog? I thought I was leaving an entry here, but apparently I didn't. Bummer. I don't feel like doing it all over again!
6.23.2010
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Just for a few days. That's all. I guess I really don't want to back out of this pregnancy, not even for a few days. I just want to back out of the mundane-ness of my life for a few days. No kids to school, clean up after, cook for...and dare I say it? No husband to clean up after, cook for.....
I ADORE my husband. He's better to me than I deserve. I just don't want to be around anyone who needs me right now. At all. Nothing personal.
Think he'll go for it?
2.16.2010
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"I am a first timer! I want this baby, dont get me wrong!!
But I do want to back out of the whole labor and delivery thing... I guess thats impossible lol But, sometimes I become scared!
Anyone else just limping along in this pregnancy instead of thriving? We're doing OK, getting done what needs to be done, but not much more. So disappointing that I've never been one of those "I love being pregnant, I've never felt better" kind of people. I sat and wept last night. Why? Over a movie that wasn't even really that good (The Holiday) and the fact that we had to get rid of a couch that I loved. Yes, I cried over a couch. We got married in grad school, DH was a pastor after that, now we're preparing to be missionaries. This couch was the only thing we've ever picked out ourselves and bought new. Ever. And now it's gone the way of all things that are "earthly treasures"... moth and rust will destroy, right? Except in the case of the couch, it was time, sun and poor manufacturing that did it in. But, silly as it may seem, it was as if a part of me was being carried out the door along with the couch. My dreams for nice things, for pretty things. Yes, I know that the Bible tells us that what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses his soul. And that we need to adorn ourselves with a beautiful spirit, rather than beautiful things. But sometimes it's harder than others, and it hit me when I wasn't expecting it. I really don't care about things. Most of the time. But boy, I'm really struggling with that couch. It doesn't help that the new one someone donated to replace it is REALLY uncomfortable, the springs are broken on one side, the side that's supposed to recline doesn't and it smells like a thrift store. Dear Father, God - couldn't you have chosen someone with less of a struggle with the flesh to serve you? Isn't there a more Mother Teresa type that could have done this job better? Give me the strength to cling to You and not the things you provide.
2.15.2010
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This pregnancy has been a kicker. I haven't been really sick like I was with my other pregnancies, but my energy level has been next to nothing. I kept waiting for the energy to come back....week 13, 14, 15....and just this week, week 20, I'm starting to feel slightly human again! Before now, it's been about all I can do to homeschool the kids in just the basics (nothing fun), keep on top of the wash and the cooking, and that's about it. Sign ups for homeschool co-op have come and gone and I just couldn't do it. At the time, I needed all 5 days in the week to get the work done since I didn't have the stamina to get a lot done each day.
Anyhow, I digress. The point being, yesterday I took the kids to the library. Those of you who have been pregnant at 38 with other kids at home probably get the significance of that. OR, those of you at ANY age who have had a pregnancy really sap your energy, you understand too. That's MAJOR. We're typically at the library every week or two, haven't taken them in about 2 months. And not only that, I WENT FOR A WALK on Thursday. Really. I had been diligent about my calorie intake and exercise before I got pregnant - had lost 25 pounds on Sparkpeople. That has completely flown out the window. So it felt so good to go out walking again, even if it hasn't gone above freezing here in Jersey in at least a week.
Please, Lord, let this continue. I don't want to be the lump of exhaustion for the rest of pregnancy that I've been until this week.
1.9.2010
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So it's one day later and we have some answers. SOME. We're still responsible for the LabCorp bill, probably not responsible for the X-Ray bill, and definitely not responsible for the pediatrician's bill. I've never had such poor health insurance in my life. This is going to be one expensive baby. Lord, please, let us either be to 100% funded by then or let David have a job because otherwise I don't know how we're going to pay for this.
It feels good to be able to blog on here anonymously. No one knows who I am, so I don't have to put on a front. I really wrestled with God yesterday afternoon. What would the people I know think if they knew I told God that even though He's worth of my worship and praise that there was no way I wanted to. That it wasn't fair that every time I trust Him, instead of "well done, good and faithful servant," I get slapped around a bit. Now, OK, I'm sure as time goes by and God grows me more, I'll have a better perspective than that. But what do you do when that's what you're feeling? Does anyone else feel like that and keep it inside? Or am I the only Christian nut job out there? I mean really, when it came to finding someone to be a missionary, couldn't God have found someone a little bit more together than I am?
OK, rant over. Completely different subject - the baby!! Isn't that the reason I'm on BF? U/S is Thursday. We'll find out boy or girl. I'm excited to find out. I typically don't really bond with the baby until I know the sex. Not sure if we'll broadcast names up for consideration - I told my BFF the ones we were considering and she hated them all. I wish I didn't know that. If you're praying people, just pray that my anxiety over how much this US will cost (I have a $1000 deductible) won't take away from the joy of seeing our little baby.
Contending with God, praying He'll win,
Kathy
1.5.2010
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"Praying for you tonight... and thanks for posting your feelings on your relationship with God... you know we are all in the same boat, I feel just like you too... and it does not matter who you are, living in a dark work and following a great God, it's a hard thing to do... it's called the narrow path for a reason. Because sometimes we just don't feel like working on that relationship...
Post updates... and can I add you as a friend?" -- NOWRENEWME
"Praying for you tonight... and thanks for posting your feelings on your relationship with God... you know we are all in the same boat, I feel just like you too... and it does not matter who you are, living in a dark work and following a great God, it's a hard thing to do... it's called the narrow path for a reason. Because sometimes we just don't feel like working on that relationship...
Post updates... and can I add you as a friend?" -- NOWRENEWME
"If you hit see all comments at the bottom, it will let you see the rest of my comment. I tend to get a little long winded sometimes. :) Congratualtions on your little girl!!!!" -- JSP32605
"It looks like you wrote more than showed up on the comment space - I'd love to hear the rest of your story - did you have it out with God? Who won?
I had a seriously hard time with my "should have been" due date. It hit me out of left field. I thought I had already dealt with all my anger, grief, whatever, and about 2 weeks before the due date, it all came back with a vengeance! Last year's Feb. 7 was a nightmare. This year's will be a little easier. I'm not sure it'll ever be easy, but..." -- KITKAT4321
"First of all, I totally understand how you feel! I lost my first pregnancy, after trying for 10 years (no kidding) to get pregnant, to MC and I turned completely away from God. I blamed him for taking my child away...I didn't care the possible reason (malformation, undeveloped organs, etc). I turned away. It was shortly after my would-have-been due date that God brought me to my knees. I'd reached my breaking point. One very long weekend of nothing but solitude, crying, and screaming at Go..." -- JSP32605
I'm finally adding another blog, 3 months later. This pregnancy has had its ups and downs. The last PG, we lost the baby, and I wasn't prepared for what that would do to the PG that come next. Like the not really believing it's true until you get the blood test. And even then not really believing it's true until you see the baby on the u/s. Or not really enjoying a day when you feel well because last time I started to feel better, it's because I had lost the baby and didn't know.
And now I'm dealing with the health insurance company. What in the world am I paying health insurance for? $1100 a month we're paying. We have a $1000 deductible PER PERSON, 80/20 after that. Plus a copay for each dr's visit that doesn't apply to the deductible, AND diagnostics are not considered a dr's visit. I just got an $800 bill for my initial PG bloodwork. We just got a bill from an X Ray I got in JULY, then a dr's visit for my son for $277 (which includes a $68 ear-wax removal that consisted of sticking a Q-Tip in his ear. That's it.) And guess what? Now it's a new year with a new deductible, my ultrasound is Thursday which I'll pay 100% of, still have the glucose test, plus the birth. I want an epidural, but mu hubby is currently out of work, and all I'll be thinking of is how much it's going to cost and whether I'm actually going to get it or not. I should not have to make these decisions based on money! David was not laid off when we got PG, we weren't being irresponsible. But what do we do now? He has spent literally all afternoon on the phone trying to resolve these issues and every person gives a different answer.
You know, I trust God. I was just telling people all about how He's provided for us on our road to becoming missionaries. But right now, I feel like He just slapped me in the face. Is this what I get for bragging about how faithful He is? And so I come on here, where nobody knows me, so I can actually SAY something like that because missionaries aren't supposed to talk like that. We're always supposed to have the answers and never waver in our faith. Well, I just don't get it. We should be spending the afternoon making calls to get our support raised to 100%, not trying to figure out how this insurance company is trying to scam us. I am so discouraged.
1.4.2010
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Like I said in my first post on a message board, I'm still a bit floored that I'm here. I can't believe I'm doing this again. People say you forget the the stuff that pregnancy brings, and between my first and second, NO WAY! I remembered every nasty bit of it. Sorry, people, I'm not a happy pregnant person. Nausea, vomiting, heartburn, I had it all. All that to say, that this time, I forgot. I forgot how insatiably hungry, how excrutiatingly tired and how irrationably irritable I become. I forgot how tired tired can be.
This one wasn't really planned. Obviously, it wasn't really prevented either. I'll be 38 when this one is born. Was I really prepared for this? Was I prepared to be bone-numbing tired while I homeschool two other kids? What was I thinking? Or, I guess I should say, Why WASN'T I thinking? My youngest just started Kindergarten, so it's my first year homeschooling two. My husband will be 42 when this one is born. We're training to be missionaries, just in the stage of raising support. YIKES! If anyone out there is reading this, tell me this is normal. Being scared out of your wits and wondering if you did the right thing is normal, right? What were we thinking??
I know I'm supposed to see everything as a blessing from God. And I know it's all a part of His plan. It's just taking me a while longer to get there this time.
10.4.2009
Member Comments About this Blog Entry
"Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm having trouble coming to terms with a 3rd baby too so I'm sure it's not rare to feel like this. Even though I'm not PG yet I am still having a really hard time trying to convince myself to let it happen. Every time I think I might be preggers I get so scared. Is there any part of your previous pregnancies or births that was a happy moment? Like when the baby first kicked? Or the excitement of holding the baby for the first time that you just worked so hard..." -- NATURALMUM
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