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HC2007's Blog
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
You crawled! Well... okay, you pull yourself forward and then give a roll. But, it gets you there and you're full of smiles like you've really accomplished something. Very proud of you, you cute little butterball of love.
H is feeling the big "J" I think. Poor kid. I see him watching us cheer for everything Jake does, and I think he's feeling left out. But we do cheer for him too. And, we include him in everything, and we do so much with him but... it takes time, I know. He's got to balance it out to some degree on his own... but he refuses to be independant when I know he can, refuses to lead when I am watching when I know he's capable. Ahh, Momma. Give the guy a break. He's your heart... he'll come around soon enough.
J started a new daycare yesterday. I was helping the boys get ready and told H what was going on, about it being a new place, with new teachers and told him j was probably a bit nervous. I asked him if he had any words of advice and he leaned in and whispered
"just be brave. Be brave Jake. You can do this!" My heart melted into a puddle.
Two days in and that itchy naggy feeling I wore next to my heart for the past months is gone. That's right, it's GONE!! I know he's in the right place. I see the smile on his face, the contented happy baby playing when I leave. They girls are nice, the other families friendly. He took two naps, and drank from his bottle for them. I can breathe again. I am sure again, that he is going to be okay. Thank you Lord for sending these people to us, we surely needed it.
5.14.2013
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I am going to sound like a crazy product pitch so I apologize in advance.
I bought a crappy little breast pump back before Jake was born- unsure is I was going to be able to breast feed but wanting to have something available if we were to suceed. Fast forward ...through ridiculou bouts of pumping, thinking my milk was low, thinking my milk was drying up, thinking I needed to eat more, drink more, perhpas more oatmeal and fenugreek... banging my head and researching options.... it seems in the end the answer was I picked a lowsy pump.
We learned this only by accident as the old one bit the dust. It was quite unceremonious to be honest. No cloud of smoke, no sparks or loud noises. It just would not turn back on in the middle of a pump session.
I am now sporting a new, QUIET pump in a stylishly carrying case that doesnt scream obviously totting bm supplies. Every body stare. And in under 10 minutes pulled a whooping 5-6 ounce bottle. Shocking and previously unheard of standards by the old pump. And she's comforable, did I just say that?
So- hold the formula please. I am going to try this one more time.
Good by epic pump sessions that ruled my life. Hello new world!
Sorry Lansinoh, you're a friend of the past.
5.7.2013
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 Jake cries Mum Mum Mum and waits for me with his arms stretched out like "get me! get me!"
I'ld be lying if I said my heart didn't soar over the moon when it happened. H's first works were Dada, and they were besties from the very moment of conception. Its pretty sweet.
5.5.2013
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and......
....we're mobile. YEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!
Now, it's not pretty and sometimes his head brings him down, it's heavy and quite a lot like charlie brown, but he's definitely creeping.
5.3.2013
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We are switching daycares.
I have of complaints on the old makes me pickle with anger.,. the least of which was when I went to pick up my 7 month old and found him seated in a highchair in front of a television set. The worst of which was them not heading my asking for removal of a food from his diet as he was being tested for allergies for it. Yes, they fed it to him "becuase it fills him up longer and he naps better." The last straw being I was told that I cannot talk to the class teachers and should limit my complaints. And there were more, intermitten between the ones I mentioned. But alas, moving on.
The past week has been both a test of time and of my nerves. So, here's to hoping the new one will be what we need. It seems to bring the best out of Jake when we stopped in to tour and to register and drop stuff off. He comes to life in a way that is both exciting and fun. His eyes sparkle and he smiled and he was so aware of the other kids. Here's to hoping, fingers crossed that this is the one for us.
4.29.2013
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Jake sat up by himself. Completely by himself!!
Prior to this he would sit if you set him there but didn't know how to get himself to sitting.
4.27.2013
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I am who I am. I raise my kids to my values. so what right? Its just that sometimes I forget that not everyoen shares the same values. Its after i get the akward silence and the funny eyebrows that I stop to think- what? What did I say? Pick my battles?
its been so long since I've rallied for what I belive I guess I forgot that I am the one who's walking against the tide.
4.25.2013
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 tomorrow is my anniversary. : ) 7 years. Wow. When did that happen?
and on the 12 J is 7 MONTHS!! oh my- how things change. And so quickly! He can pull himself standing now, sits with no problems, and is practicing making sounds. He's at the tale end of being sick and I am so glad to say he's coming back around. His sprit is back tenfold! LOVE IT! He laughs again, and plays. He runs his fingernail on stuff to hear the sounds it makes. And he's trying out sounds- like coos and coughs and hollers. so sweet.
H just finished up a week of art camp and he LOVED it. I think it brought him back to life in a way we've all been missing. He's been so funny and creative and inventive this past week. It's refreshing and fun to watch it all unfold. And trying at times too! We're still working on there's a time and a place.
4.7.2013
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J has pneumonia! We're on day two of out patient treatment and it's kicking both of our behinds. He refuses to drink or eat so we're also battling dehydration on top of the breathing issues. It's two days before Easter- so I've put together the baskets in anticipation or nervousness, take your pick. And because I cannot sleep I am telling you all about it! Gma has taken H for the afternoon, and when he returns we will dye eggs. He's picked out some goofy marbling kit- sure hope it's semi easy. Ah, blast, the day has to get better. IT just has to! I am usually better about sickness but then, this time it's so serious, and coupled with other issues we have rolling I am just a mess.
3.29.2013
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we've had our first round of two sick boys- it was not pretty by any stretch but both seem on the mend now.
H cut his hair this weekend- a kid rite of passage I suppose but still I think my heart stopped when I heard the words, "is it shorter Mom? How do I look?" For the record he was quite smitten with himself and his handy work. I found him in the mud puddles twice this weekend- not so good for a child who ran a fever 5 consequtive days last week.
H is going to be tested for gifted program this spring- kind of scary to think about it.
J is a wild thing -all legs and arms, splashing in the tub and smacking things of out my hands. Today is the first day I am not going to nurse him at lunch and I cried for half of the morning becuase of it. He's been to busy to tear away from what ever his is doing to eat so ...it was time. But I am still sad. And I got my period today too... if I were grouch about that and my blog could go on for hours. But, alas, 14 months was a nice haul so I should just roll with it and celebrate the good I know.
otherwise- lots of family issues happening regarding my mother's mental health...I cant/ wont go into it here but could totally use a vacation from thinking and trying to find solutions. So far all avenues have led to dead ends and we cant' help you's. Ahh- what to do?? Send answers! LOL!
3.26.2013
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It's our half way mark- unbelievable!!
3.12.2013
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last week was our own personal hell week much like navy seals training week. You, little bit, were very sick- with a fever of 103-104 for nearly three days and you refused to eat. We had two office visit to the ped, and mess of test and a round of antibiotics. I cannot (or perhaps will not) put into words all that happened but am very greatful to say you pulled through and are doing just fine. And you're still smiling so it must be good.
To keep things on the positive I wanted to fill you in on all your new skills and loves. You roll over when you wish now, and belly scoot to things you want. You love eating. Never have I seen someone enjoy food with such gusto. I am glad for it. You have a special yellow striped blanket that needs that you need for naps and bed- without it you fall apart. Hen never took to something like this and it caught me off gaurd. It's kind of cute to be honest and no one minds.
You're still growing kiddo- in 6 and 9 month clothes depending on who makes them. You're cute as a button and I swear the blue hermangioma on your cheek is fading.
2.20.2013
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you reach out for me when you want to be held! LOVE IT! it melts my heart!
2.14.2013
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ug- there it is, your fist tooth!
beginning of the end,
1.21.2013
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sleep- the momma needs sleep.
: ) Other than that life if a bowl of cherries! You are a wild thing these days, especially if H is around to entertain you! He laughs- you laugh and then we all laugh at the two of you! You go in on Tues for you 4 month but I know for certain you are 18 pound of squishy goodness and seem to be doing just fine in terms of milestones and etc.
We've had a breast milk challenge here lately- I've used up the freezer stock trying to get us to 5 ounce bottles and now we've nothing to back us up. (maybe I wasn't pumping and freezing enough prior but it takes so much time that at night I felt like if I could sleep I would... and anyways...used it up.) I have upped my pumping to every 3 hours max even at work (and upped my fenugreek and oatmeal intakes) and am hoping to reverse this once again. Might be working as I froze a bag of 5oz today and I have another to go into the freezer tonight. But it has been WORK to get it coming and to keep you fed at the same time. ei- why the Momma needs a nap. for the first time it's not becuase you're keeping me up!
We have made it 4 months with you ebf! My short term goal right now is 6 months with reassessment from there. I am also thinking about stopping your 11:30 am lunch/nursing at 6 months- as of current I go to the day care to feed you but you're too distracted by ....insert anything here from a cry, a giggle, a toy..... to eat most days. And instead we play- which I love but maybe it's time to cut you loose? I don't know just yet. Time will tell.
Other news- you have this little capillari hermangioma on your cheek. Its a purple/blue raised area- does look like a little bruise but it never yellows or goes away. It does seem to get bigger though. Anyhow, people are always asking how you got "hurt" Did big brother play too rough, did I drop you (seriously- they've asked) what happened, did you take a spill, and etc etc. I explain patiently to most of them what it is but in reality I am over the comments. I shouldn't pay any mind I know but... I do.
1.18.2013
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 You waved to Judy at daycare on Friday and I dismissed it as accidental. You waved today at Grandma - she waved at you and you waved back. And again at me in church. And again at Dad. Mind boggling that you can mimick like that.
So why cant you roll over then kiddo? Seems like that would have been easier! LOL!
ANd you tried cereal and bananas yesterday mixed together but it went badly and we'll give it a few days before trying again.
1.13.2013
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you weighted in at 17 pds 14 ounces. (ugh!)
Well that explains so much! It also means someone will be car seat shopping in the next few months as you are coming up on the wight limit really quickly. (Pray we get another bonus check kiddo- momma's commision check wont cut the cost on it if we dont make some sales!)
You are teething- blah to me. I hate the ring of drool. And you can start solids now which will send you over the moon! You've been eagerly anticipating real food for a long time now! lol
Thats about it for now. Hugs and song, Mom
1.10.2013
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Let me start out first by giving myself a huge Heck Yeah for making it to 4 months- we started out rocky but we have made it 3 months ebf-ing and I am so proud of my efforts!
Now time for the vent-
why is it that this is everyone's business? Why am I topic for discussion for every old clucking hen in the tristate area? I pump on my own time, which falls into my 30 minues of break daily. I use the space work has provided and requested I use. Is not a commonly used space so it shouldnt be limiting anyone's access for me to be in there for 15 minutes once a day. Furthermore, it shouldn't be open for jokes nor opinions nor any other hen pecking but it seems it is. And I am getting tired of it.
1.9.2013
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You are a maniac kiddo- squirming out of your bouncer, your swing, your bathseat. Hands flying, feet kicking. smiling and wild. You are too busy to nurse, to busy to sleep. It's the begining of the end.... and in truth I am enjoying it.
I put you on your tummy on a playmat last night and walked away to do a chore. You started your immediate round of complaints- the ones that usually coerce me into rolling you over instead of you rolling you over. I headed your cries but was going to let you be for more than 2 seconds regardless.... and the complaining stopped. Hun. Puzzling. I tiptoe in to see what's going on and Henry had come to your rescue. He rolled you over, pulled you into a reclining position on a boppy and was reading to you. They he played peek a boo and showed you all the magic in your stuffed train toy. I stood in the doorway and watched you both- I know we will have our days but he is so excited for you and you about him. I truly wish you the best of brotherhood.
family news-
We lost our cat on Sunday. It was tragic and sudden and I wont repeat the frustrations of the day so that's all I can say.
Bamma turns 70 on Sunday. Can you imagine? What life and what changes she's seen.
1.4.2013
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You are full on grabbing things, and you are pleased as punch with yourself when you hold your intended target in your hands.
You are trying to sit up on your own - (Say what!) In fact I nearly lost you out of your bouncer and your swing because you were so bent on getting out of them and I wasnt moving fast enough on the straps.
You are in love with standing. And jumping. And bouncing on your toes. We are all convinced that if you could walk you would.
You have learned to voice your opinion. Sing it little one! Sing it! Gone is the quiet household. Now we hear squeeking and squaking and hollering and giggling. You are the LOUDest thing on the planet kiddo. Hands down.
You could slow down you know. Its not a race and the world will wait! But I know you find it exciting and so for now you just have to have more.
You scored a great set of shaky balls shaped like animal for Christmas, and your first set of big racecars. You love them both and your monkey rattle. I love your enthusiasm kid! You are so completely satisfied with the world in its present state! You remind me again and again that children are good for the soul.
12.28.2012
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We're coming up on our first Christmas with Jake and I am so excited!! I have made you visit like.... 4 Santa's to get your photos taken and I have stuffed you into every Christmas outfit you own twice just to see how cute you look. I cant help it- Sorry kid. You can try to escape me but its a lost cause- : )
You're doing great- finally kicking that rotten cold that kept us awake last week. You're back to your old smiley self with wild legs and blowing bubbles. I don't recall anyone being so stinking happy as you kiddo. and I love every minute of it.
You LOVE Mr Pig- he's an ordinary stuffed pig with chewy soft ears and beans in his butt that rattle. I mean to say you light up brighter than our tree when you see him come out of your pack. And you're finally acting civilized in your car seat- oh thank the lord for that! No more ear splitting screaming matches for the 30 minute ride home. : )
Hen has taken a shine to you since you've started to giggle for him. Every time I cant find him he's playing with you- laughing or dancing or telling you about Power Rangers. It warms my heart and I am glad. I wish you the best of brotherhood!
World news- SandyHook Tragedy has just happened and the Mayan Calendar says the world will end tomorrow.
Home News- Grandpa Charlie (my Dad) qualified for disability due to health issues (which is mostly likely cancer) and he has an apt- first time in at least 5 years that he's not homeless or living on someone's sofa or a bunking in a shelter. Last year he told me he wanted a fridge for Christmas- one with side by side doors and an ice maker. I think it's some what come true though it was a long time coming.... and now he's got a sofa, and a coffee maker and cable tv to boot! I will smile all day with the thought of him having a warm winter inside.
We went to church last weekend- I think maybe we have found one that fits our personalities and souls. Fingers crossed- we all agreed that we liked it a lot!
12.20.2012
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Jake rolled over Tuesday night!
Now... if he'ld just do it again! : )
12.20.2012
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 You're officially sick with a cold- how I hate other daycare parents! Thanks people! You could completely watch it move through the room one by one. But whatever- you're okay so not to hard of feeling I suppose. Regardless you're smilng and happy and busy and grabbing and faritng and giggling and....
You're the best thing ever. And we just love the daylights out of you.
I was offered a job teaching at a local college this week. A dream job a few years late in the making. I have turned it down. Financially I would have had to keep both the 40 hours I work now and find a way to add in the other. Would have been 14 hour days twice a week. Which meant that both you and Hen would be growing up on someone else time while I pulled my hair out for experience and a pay check. My heart said no way- you're not missing this for a half baked starter job. I have wanted you, ached for you for so very long that now that you're here I am not missing a thing. I love seeing you develope and grow and heck, even sleeping is cute on you..." ) So you're stuck iwth me as I have said no thank you. If its my lot in life it will come back around.
We put up the tree today and will try and do some christmas shopping tomorrow. IF you are only a little sick and can tag along! : ) Pst - you have to have a christmas photo too so get ready and put your best smile on!
Hugs kiddo- Mom
12.8.2012
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 We're rolling along kiddo.. Seems there is so much to do these days. WIll keep this week short becuase it's late and the sofas are still being put together and H needs to get to bed and dishes need washing and etc. The list goes on infinitely.
Less than 30 days until Christmas. H is growing and learning in leaps and bounds, but wants to be sure he's still the main show. He asked again the other day if we loved you more than him... We got it settled but it pains my heart. I guess its natural for him to worry in hindsight. I would worry too if I were him.
You're doing great- amazingly put yourself to sleep tonight! I was stunned. You are trying to do better when we drive in the car but if your hungry its still a game of throwns and you usually draw the ace. You were given an new bouncer and you tried it out last night and had the time of your life. I guess its more a jumper than a bouncer. You are hell bent on kicking and standing and kicking and kicking these days. Your legs go so fast and I laugh and laugh! You stil have the blue veiny cheek- it popped up before Halloween and just like Dr said its getting bigger and not going away so fast- it's not a bruise though, and I was glad to hear the Dr say that becuase people can be weird about it. Strangers mostly but they dont count for much so I try to let it roll.
computer is acting badly so more later..
11.28.2012
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 You're a little over two months now. Tomorrow is your First Thanksgiving and I am going to cram you into your little thanksgiving outfit come hell or high water! LOL! Or, at least hang the funny bib around your neck if nothing else fits.
You had your two month apt last Friday and you weighed in at 14lbs 10 ounces and 24 inches long. You had 4 vaccines- and slept for nearly 24 hours straight. You then bounced right back and have been rocking and rolling since. Hope it all stays that way!
You've been sleeping 7 hour blocks= last night was an 8 hour and while it feels good to regain some sleep on my side it is still weird that it happens. H didn't sleep like you do but he had tonsils that choke off his air and we didn't realize until he was well into his third year what was going wrong. So this is what other people talked about... I like it. : )
you refuse a bottle at day care. Well played my tiny one! LOL! In a small attempt to keep you roundish, happy and fed I run across the street at lunch to feed you but you are left to fuss it out the rest of the day. I am hoping this will reverse soon- but until this is our schedule. I don't mind so much- its really a nice highlight to my morning. But don't tell too many people!
H is doing fine these days- he's 5 going on preteen I swear sometimes, but he's handsome and smart and school is just rolling on by. It's killing me to watch him grow up but I am so proud too, that he's my kid. My kid. What a great thing to say. He's excited about Christmas this year and keeps asking questions. I don't think he really buys into the Santa stories too much and that's okay. He's learning to read- can read back to me almost 50 of his site words! And he's counting to 100 now but he misses some of the 30's. Am sure its just a matter of time though.
We almost lost a kitty- Fly our diabetic fuzzy fellow went into insulin shock the other day. ER vet brought him back and he's been rolling on since. No complaints from him unless you want to hear about how he could use another dish of food.
That's about it for us- lol! Trying to cram a few weeks in here and I think we touched on all the highlights. Hugs to everyone, Jess
11.21.2012
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 Saturday, Nov. 10th,. You have your best whole hearted laugh at Dad today! : )
You are hell on kicking and are waving your arms in the direction of toys- not grabbing purposefully just yet but totally aiming for things and you are overjoyed/shocked when you catch one.
We started daycare on Wed last and I went back to work. It's bittersweet and we're still working on details but you're doing fine and I am doing fine and throwing the challenge at us was timely and needed. I feed you at lunch and it is the highlight of my day. Now, if only I could talk in full adult sentences and sound intelligent and not so spacy! That's our next challenge!
11.11.2012
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you had real tears today!
(your wipes were cold hence a few tears while I changed you in the back seat of the car)
10.29.2012
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Since birth Dad has been trying to get you to mimic him- he sticks out his tongue and encourages you to do the same. I thought it silly, and didn't really think you capable of mimic at this age but...
today when changing you after bath I was singing and clucking and sticking out my tongue and you lay there smiling and you stuck your tongue out at me. I froze- was it a fluke? So I did it again. And again. And so did you. And you smiled.
I grabbed you off the changing station and borough to you DH. I told him to do that thing you do with your tongue-
and he did. And you mimicked again!
You will be 7 weeks on Wed next.
10.28.2012
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I've been rolling around in my head wondering if I should bother because Jake's birth was planned c-section... but I want the details for myself and for the boys later. So here goes...
Wed the 12 of September. Woke up, showered and dressed and attempted to walk H to school one last time. My legs were cramping and the contractions were kicking my butt (am a light-weight on pain!) and I knew I wasn't going to make it. But I grabbed the camera and H, Dh and myself headed out the door. I smiled and made jokes aka momma style to keep things normal for H as I knew the day was going to change his life forever. We took a few photos at school, H went to his room (he was only 3 weeks in at this point so it was still all new to him) and Dh and I headed home. Only I didn't make it and I doubled over in pain less than half way there. He came and got me in the car and we headed to the hospital.
Check in was a breeze. We were sent to our room where Christy, our nurse waited for us. I got undressed and put on my hospital gear and climbed in bed. She set up my monitors, which showed the wild contractions coming on strong, and she and the med student put in my iv line and shaved me up. I remember being so thirsty and also not doing well with my iv- passing out and throwing up. Shortly after MIL and SIL came in and we were off to the OR.
Spinal block was put in- again I had reactions: throwing up, blood pressure all over. Lucky the fellow in charge Austin was awesome and got me back on my game. Dr S came in, Dh was sent in and things got rolling pretty quick. I don't know much medical speak but it's surreal to be awake while they are working on you... and we talked about how all of us were at the home depot last Sunday at the same time unbeknown to all of us. We talked about facebook and "friending people" you don't really know. We laughed and then...
it got silent. Scary silent when you have nearly 12 people in one room!
Dr said something along the line of "We got a big one!" And the staff went wild! Estimated weight all along was small- at most slightly over 7 pounds but Jake was 8lbs 13 ounces and 21 inches long!
Dh and I were smiling- but then wondering why Jake hadn't cried yet. I mouthed him a question- is something wrong? He didn't know. Still nothing- seconds turning into minutes into years here- still nothing. Aren't babies suppose to cry? I had always heard babies were suppose to cry- Medical speak going on, which later was translated into the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and it took a minute to get him cleaned out and breathing on his own. I remember staring into each others eyes- the room still silent- holding my breathe that everything was okay. Its amazing how your wholel ife can stop for a moment- just hang there while you contemplate every detail- and then in another second rresume righ where it left off.
Jake started to cry! The most magical wheezy sound on the planet! He cried the smallest sweetest sound I have ever head. And I bawled my eyes out. And there he was- the nurses brought him around for me to see and then whisked him off to clean him up.
Things went smoothly- I was sent to recovery. Dh came to visit and Jake was sent back to feed as his blood sugar was below 50. Lactation came with and we got our latch right- I joked that his first meal was a milk shake because I shake when coming down from the spinal block meds. In a few hours we had a room- and by midnight I was cath free, iv free and trying to move around the room which feels impossible when working against the law of gravity.
10.27.2012
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 all week I've been trying to list in my head the things I really love about you right now like
how good you smell right before you go to bed
how my hand cups your head so perfectly
how sweet and warm you are to snuggle when I get you out of your cradle
how sweet your smile is when you see me
how soft your hair is, what little bits you have resemble a comb over (lol)
how pleased you are in the bath when I get the water temp just right
This week has been wild for sure, with both cars in the shop and a tale to tell about that! We have been cleared for post partum yesterday. Likewise you've got just a little rash on your bum. You weighed in at 13lbs even. You're going to be a skeleton for Halloween and Hen is Gold Ranger from a television series (that we don't watch). Hen plays with you when he thinks no one is looking. You like your musical giraffe a lot.
life is rolling on kiddo... and I am feeling the woes of returning to work and wondering how this is all going to play out. I am scared for you, to leave you, though I know they are good people. I worry that you'll wonder where I am since it's only been you and me so far. I worry that you wont eat for them since you wont take a bottle from me... and that you might cry all day if I'm not there to rock you or nurse you to sleep the way we do in the afternoons. Dh says to get real, and get a grip, and I know some of our habits though sweet cant go on forever but... Still, all these things roll through my mind when I am suppose to be asleep. I'm sitting here crying thinking of you without me there to keep you safe and its getting hard to type kid. (Also we're suppose to be going to dinner so this wont look good when Dh sees me climb into the car all puffy and red eyed! Oh well, hun. I've said it before many times- my heart is on my sleeve.)
I bought us a kit to make your hand and footprints. : )
I have had multiple photo requests for holiday photos. Makes me wonder if I gave up too soon and if I shouldn't take this offer from upstairs and roll with it. Make it mine and try again. Live the dream or die trying? I don't know... it pulls my heartstrings though!
Lastly, with a few small prompts I've have relisted many of my homespun items online for resale (again) with intent to follow up and market them this time. Not sure if I should Esty again or ?? but I am returning to myself one piece at a time.
Lastly, my hand are back! No more numbness though I don't quite fit into my wedding rings. I will give it a little more time and then resize if they don't fit. Its quite grand to feel them, to see them work again! I was really worried there would be permanent damage to the nerves since I hadn't been able to feel them for so long! So happy!!
10.25.2012
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 and life comes and goes so fast these days. Some days I find myself hanging on by threads to some idea of reality and sleep. Others I dominate the world and feel normal and laugh about the day before. Somedays I am angry at doing so much alone, but I knew that would happen and try to find peace within. Mostly I am glad that Jake is here and with us. Its where we are at I guess. And I think it's okay to not be super mom every second.
Jake grows and grows oblivous to my emotional rollercoaster, thank God for that. And I think he's really happy. He smiles now and coos when I tell him to talk sweet for Momma. He is smitten with his play yard- the cow is really really nice and the sheep who plays music are his favorite hanging toys from it. He's still channelling Linda Blair after feedings but he doesnt fuss like he was... he just makes a living mess! LOL! And, we found just today that he likes his snugli carrier- WIN! one for mommma! The Moby was a stalemate. And of course he still loves his stroller rides which I tease him are "Baby's Great Adventure!" when we take one. We accidentally walked for an hour yesterday! My feet said ouch!
Here's a new 5 week picture- I stuffed him into a basket to see if he would stay upright long enough for a photo= funny expression!
10.18.2012
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 it's really crazy!! Jake looks like a mini version of my MIL! She says she doesnt see it though.
Jake has reflux- and we have too much milk at let down and combined it makes for a long morning. Beyond that, all is well. I should perhaps find more to say but I am tired today and a snack is calling my name!
10.11.2012
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 it's really crazy!! Jake looks like a mini version of my MIL! She says she doesnt see it though.
Jake has reflux- and we have too much milk at let down and combined it makes for a long morning. Beyond that, all is well. I should perhaps find more to say but I am tired today and a snack is calling my name!
10.11.2012
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 its funny- when you're ready to give in, throw in the towel and just walk away I log into the bf board on face book and.....
and we're right where the rest of the Sept Baby Boards are. So all thought things have been a challenge, it seems we are doing okay. Maybe better than okay.
And, we're way better at breastfeeding than would have even expected since H's went so badly. There is truth in if you first fail, try again!
You are three weeks today. You've had the worst gas I have ever experienced, and you try to eat to feel better but it doesn't work. I am at loss on what to do to help you- gas drops, belly rubs, warmth and bouncing seem to help but when it comes back it's terrible. To boot, I am sleep deprived and am hating the entire world to the point I have become a recluse. The world feels like a time bomb- crime on the news every day now, and break ins on the next street over. Dh talks of moving but we're too stuck to have a real option. And I found the stash of baby girl things I made for you before we knew you weren't a girl- it tore my heart strings a little to realize there wont be a baby girl, and I almost tried the skirts on you! LOL! Not to worry - I didn't make you wear ruffles. But I did hold them up to you a few times to judge cuteness and size. I would guess it's hormones- and that despite the fact I have tried to maintain life and living my life after your arrival that I am having a small lapse of ppd or hormone changes. I know this too shall pass, I know... but sometimes when you're caught in the middle its hard to see the passing.
You are doing well, growing fine and you're so aware when you're awake and feeling good. You're super sweet beyond my complaints, and I know all will be fine. Hugs, more hugs and a photo soon- Mom
9.30.2012
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 posted twice by mistake. details below
9.30.2012
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 deails to come bexause i'm holding you and typing with ine hand
drs apt-
you weight 9lbs 6 ounces' and are 21 1/2 inches long
all seems to be well
you're sleeping pattern changes nightly
mostly you eat and poop all the time
but when you smile, even in your sleep, you are an angle!
9.30.2012
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I heard a saying 9 month on, 9 months off so here's my little journal for myself. Some thing to keep me motivated
pre-baby last weight in was 224
12 days post partum- 202
: ) (beyond thrilled!)
1 month 200
9.24.2012
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Just wanted to share our really good news! The lump in hubby's neck is completely gone!!! Dr told us he'll do one last ultrasound to double check himself but he is 100% confident that there will be nothing to see on the report. Thank you for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers as we worked through this!
9.18.2012
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 ..and it's pure love.
I am floating on the moon kid.
I cant wait to see you or touch you or feed you. I am hard pressed to share you to be honest. I barely walked into L&D the day you were born but I haven't touched the earth's surface since I heard your first cry. Or saw your sweet face when you came back to recovery to be with me.
Things I dont want to forget-
You first opened your eyes and looked around when Hen came to meet you and said your name. It was very sweet!
You love breastfeeding- you're only okay about the bottle. And, surprisingly, you dont like formula at all. You make a funny contented grunt when you're eating which I love. And you're really great at snuggling.
9.16.2012
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 born Wed, the 12 of Sept at 11:45 via C-section. While it was planned we found out at birth that it was going to be necessary anyways due to his cord being wrapped around his neck. Jacob weighed in at 8lbs 13 ounces much to the surprise of the entire delivery team- he was estimated to be 6lbs 9 ounces just the week before by ultrasound. We are home and doing well- breastfeeding has begun on the right foot and seems to be his preferred food. More soon- still a lot to share but there is so much to do and my pain meds are wearing off! Hugs and so glad to share this with you!! ~Jess
9.15.2012
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Its' here- as unbeliebable as it seems! Today is our big day and soon I will be meeting our newest Mister Stelling. Charles has promised to post updates and photos for everyone. Hugs until then and thank you for all the warm thoughts being sent our way! ~Jess
9.12.2012
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 and I haven't quite smiilng all day! (we're 48hours away from our delivery but we made it!!!!)
9.10.2012
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 its my first day out of work. Some miracle happened last Friday and I was granted my week of leave before your arrival. It's impressive, the silence that greets me when I walk in the door after bringing H to school... And while technically there is much to be done I just sit there and soak it all in.
We've kind of been through a mini hell the past two weeks- Dh with his lump (still no answers but I don't like the Dr much at this point), H starting school (they've now dissolved his classroom due to lack of attendance and he'll be absorbed into another class starting tomorrow- good thing the kids transitions easily), the house construction (work in progress), the fleas (a forever mission) mil needing extra income to survive (touchy subject), the work demands on myself and DH separately draining us. It's hard to be everything for everyone and in truth neither he nor I are doing such a great job. So this week is about me- and just breathing. But I wasn't ready for it- and it was almost smothering when I walked into it this morning.
one week left until we meet you kiddo. I feel like I have waited my whole life for you. I feel like I already know you. And in the same breath I cannot wait to meet you. I don't feel as scared (ok- terrified) as when H came along. I was a newly wed, newly graduated, new Mom, new everything when H came along... panic city/poor lady- you could see me coming for a mile! And in our wake a huge cloud of disarray seemed to follow. LOL! I don't have that lurking deep stomach burn this time- I do worry about a few things sure, like new challenges and time constraints. But I haven't read every mommy guide or set schedules or rules this go round. I realise you wont burst into flames if we watch a little tv before your 3, and that I can change a poop diaper on the back of the wagon just as easily as a changing station. The old internal argument on whither to breast feed you or not is still unanswered with a lean towards formula from dh who watched that tragedy unfold last round. I may give in- I dont know yet. But, beyond that I think we're as ready as we are going to get.
9.5.2012
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So buddy- you're in position. In fact you are head down so far that they had a hell of time find my cervix becuase you're in the way! Explains the constant pressure, the back aches, and yes, he says those are contractions so be aware of them and if they organize to get myself back to the office. You are doing great- funny to say becuase I feel so rotten but in all truth I think you're just doing what you should be.
8.31.2012
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 deep breathe- here we go. I am an emotional nightmare and my hands are SWOLLEN so will try to keep this short. You've been moving lower my sweet, my cervix tells the truth about the details of that one! Things are getting harder and more uncomfortable- and I am more irritable than laughing over things that would usually keep me in giggles (like the mayonaise incident this am and my too short dress) I am exhausted these days but find somehow that I have been willing myself to move forward in a blur. Makes for some rather interesting days kiddo!
Looks like we wont get the time off before hand so am trying to make due with what I've got. Besides- from the engaging (fireworks) and contractions (who invented this stuff???) I dont know if you'ld make it anyways. So we'll roll with it- the only thing we do well is roll with it anyways. : )
Hugs, and if I can find time this evening I will fill in the blanks.
8.29.2012
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for the results of Dh's biopsy- should know more this following Tuesday. It surely doesn't help that he keeps having wacky dreams of a woman yelling he's dying of cancer. Hoping and praying we get a better prognosis than that!!
8.29.2012
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It rained- which was nice so that way people couldnt see my aligator tears streaming down my face. H was so ready- he marched on like he's always gone to school. He put his lunch away, put his book bag away and sat at his desk waiting for th day to begin.
It seems so unfair to have to let go- but I do. The car was awful quite this morning- no one to sing with or dance with at stop lights
8.27.2012
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 Braxton Hicks Contractions are here!! Wither for good or for bad I don't know....
All day something has been stopping me in my tracks and for a while I thought It was constipation/back pain or gas or the baby moving. Just about a half hour ago I finally pieced it together. Yeah, I know. I'm kind of slow these days! LOL! Kind of wish I was going in for an nst tomorrow but I am not, so will just keep watching and paying attention.
The end is so near!
8.23.2012
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You are having your first bout of hiccups- so cute! LOVE!!!! I never expected it but am totally enjoying it!
8.23.2012
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 3 weeks left- you ready for this? :)
Some of us are ready- hint, hint. Some of use are excited- that'ld be DS. Some of us are worrying- your papa. All of us are ready for some sense of normalcy to return!
Nursery/The new bedroom: The walls are standing- the door is hung. Drywall party planned for this weekend with help and pizza from some good friends is hopefully in the works. You're bag is still packed but I might add in some nuppa's in for in case you like them- pacifiers by another name. I need to wash up you bottles and make a decision on pumps. Breast not shoes. That's about it kiddo.
36 week apt- blood sugars are fine. Fluids are low- I have been advised to slow down and feet up more. Up my water intake too. Strep B negative. You're guesstimated weight is 6 p 3oz.
I placed my request for time off with HR- and also forgot to pick up the paperwork today from the ob. So it's back down town again tomorrow morning. I am sooooo ready to slow down- Please, God, let life allow for it!
8.22.2012
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 phew, kiddo, we're doing it! 4 weeks left til we all get to meet you!
There's much to say this week and I will eventually get to it but-until then- you're doing great and I am so glad for you every day. Keep doing what you do, and I will work out the outside details! Kisses and songs, Me
Update time:
This week (week one of the my dual Dr's visits) ended in mayhem- or perhaps just true Stelling fashion as I some time think of it. Dr 1 upped my gd meds to twice a day. Fasting numbers are in check but everything else remains running rampant. And, getting use to the meds takes me a few days to bounce back ....but so far it seems things are better now with the change. Wed was Mi Gramma's birthday so we sent her flowers. : ) Thrs I ran to the restroom- and found blood. Not much, but enough to make me wonder and worry. So I called dh and he and I both felt better safer than sorry and I called the ob. Five hours and so many tests later the end verdict came that I have veins close to the surface and one is bleeding. No worries about you kiddo- you looked great. So keep on- but while we were in there the biggest storm rolled through town- and Daddy's car got flooded because the windows were all rolled down. So far it seems we got off easy- no electric issues today so we're crossing out fingers. Seems enough, right- I know... But there's more.. Deep breath- here's the rest- The babysitter we hired for next week to keep H and his buddy L between camp and school canceled- L's daddy found a replacement but for a few minutes it was hit or miss/wild.(it might be just how we roll- we've never had luck with any sitters!) And today- DH ran to his follow up apt on his neck only to learn that the Dr has no idea what's wrong with him and has exhausted all of his viral and bacterial options so now we are on to the big guns and ct scans to rule out tumors and stones, etc. Fly, the cat goes to the vet tomorrow. (I don't really think he is well) ai! lol!
All that- in less than a week. Kiddo, you sure you're ready for us?
8.16.2012
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I was going to work up until the week of Little Bit's arrival- anxiety over our money combined with some silly sense of pride had me even toying with the idea of taking only the day before off for his arrival, but then... a small voice of reason packaged in a co workers body spoke with me today and made me rethink my intentions. (Thank God for sending people like this to me as I don't have many women influences in my life... no hurt feeling, it's just how my life journey has played out.)
She said: Honey, it's not like the first- and you look so tired now. I know you want to do thing before he gets here that you can't find the time to do now. Even if it's just scrub your floor or catch up on laundry. Trust me, I've been there! . The conversation went on but what I remember most is the last sentence she told me - If you go into this worn out you'll come out of it beat down. You need a rest.
I considered for a minute that maybe it's okay to take the time for me. And that maybe it's not always about where the money comes from- I have said it so many times- it will work itself out in the end. (When you stand alone without family support and financial backing it becomes easy to associate money with security- and I have for a long time. Especially for the boys.)
I am now thinking of taking the entire week before off. I presented the idea to DH who was sincerely pressing for me to do this anyways.. he was so supportive! I think I am going to go ahead with it. It feels like the right decision.
8.14.2012
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I was working at my desk this morning when my manager popped over and asked to see me upstairs, claiming there were some things she needed to go over with me- some discrepancies or issues have been popping up and she wanted to go over a few details, nothing serious. I though "well, since I have been half feeling like crap I probably did mess something up. I will just own up to it, right?" We get up stairs and I can hear people- lots of people and think "no way! They've called in the higher ups." I cannot for the life of me think of anything lately that would require a meeting with the higher management. So, what the heck did I do? And in the back of my head a small "oh, no, maybe I am getting fired" sneaks in.
I hesitate a little and then decide to just be brave and roll with whatever is about to happen. I take a deep breathe and I walk in to the training room.
And she yells suprise! Just kidding! It's really a baby shower from your friends and family at work! : )
So sweet- it truly made my day! (how exactly do I tell them how much I've enjoyed their company and lunch and gifts??)
8.9.2012
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Yesterday's peri-ob apt went well- we all got to see little bit who weight in at 5 pounds and some ounces. (ds and dh went with! : ) Dr said to expect an 8 to 8.5 baby boy with in 5 more weeks! Staring medicine for the g.d tonight- they don't think my numbers are where they should be and also that I am not still not eating enough carbs. I probably haven't been eating enough to be honest. I have been light headed and weak and crabby so it's probably true. I will keep trying kiddo- that's all I know! : )
In addition we start twice a week testing- which sounds kind of cool actually- but over whelms me a little too- will explain that in a bit . Seems we go for ultrasound one day a week and then a non stress test on another. I am a little excited to have a standing date to see you each week. I know that you're doing fine and I don't really expect anything surprising to pop up though. : ) The over whelming part is that we have a $50 copay ever time we walk into an office- and these apts are staring to add up in a mountainous way! Needless to say I am staring to feel the down side of broke these days. I knew money would be short after you got here but never expected to fly through the savings account before you arrived. I know, I always say things have a way of working out. I know this is work out as well ...but I don't know how yet and it's kind of looming in the distance in a scary way. At least we have all your essentials and even a few comfort items ready so there's isnt much left to purchase -sans a can of forumla as back up/just in case.
I have been making more things- I sew at night until my hands give up kiddo. I dont know why any more. There are more things piled up in the kitchen than we have room for and I am almost at the bottom of my project basket though! LOL! It guess it gives me time to think. To do, to think, to think, to do. It all becomes one and I some times I even come to some conclusions in the end too. : )
Hope you need burping a lot kiddo! Gigggling- Or burping! You've (accidentally) got an abundance!
8.8.2012
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Pump rental from M.H
Ameda hospital grade pump- $25/week or $65/month
will need a tubing kit- ask while in hospital and they will charge insurance and deliver to my room- prior they will charge $50
note* Call in advance to be sure in office and pumps avail
8.6.2012
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 well kiddo, I've been busy. You too from what I can tell! It's like the motor speed way in my belly these days. : )
Your laundry is done- or what I can get to anyhow. Your hospital bag is packed. You have the sweetest yellow duck outfit to come home in, with a matching hat and blanket. (I don't usually get it pulled together quite like this so it's going to be a real treat!) I have your little tiny diapers in there too, along with in the hall closet for when you come home. There is something really terrific about just how small newborn size diapers are! LOVE!!! and socks. They get me every time too. Closer I will wash up your bottles- and I picked up a fancy drying rack so they wont be all over the counter causing mayhem!
Dh is worried- he's worried he's too old and in bad health. He's worried he wont know how to divide his time between you boys. He's worried he won't get to see you grow up and get married, or get to snuggle grand babies. I know I don't talk about him much but... He's good man, and I hope you realize this as you grow up. He is going to expect a lot from you kiddo, and he can be tough but he's also fun, and loving and a worrier. : ) I think a good father would be these things. He would lay his life on the line for you at any second if it was asked. You are going to have his heart kiddo- it's just a matter of time.
DS is registered for school. I guess I have to let him grow up hun? It kind of stinks because I love this age! The only thing left for his new journey is to size him for his uniforms. (pout) And I think he needs a bottle of glue or something but that's such small fry. We got it covered! He is trying out his lunchbox today- lol- he just couldn't wait any longer. It's been on his shelf or three long agonizing days! Heck, he held out longer than I could have! He asked to join the schools football team- then he asked me what football was! And, he wrote a book last night about new car designs. He needed a little help spelling snowman and smoke launching cars but otherwise... what a kid. He told me the other day he cannot wait to help out with you. I was so glad to hear it from him!
No Dr apt this week to report on. That will be next week- the next round of epic 3 office visits! Dh is going to come see you at the ultrasound. Thank the stars you're still baking like your suppose to! Truly, I think people are tired of talking about you. But, you're my favorite subject! LOL! I help back for a long time- now's the time to let the joy out! Hugs kiddo, and more hugs, Me
8.1.2012
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well kiddo- for as much peace as the Tues apt brought today's reg ob check brought back the crazy fears! Protein was back in my urine- I was almost unable to leave the office today and had to redo the urine test a few times to see if I was just dehydrated. Blood pressure is creeping up over the visits as a whole. Back aches- to be considering where we are. Headaches? yes. Swelling- still only in my hands. Up a pound- NP shook her head in disbelief. (a pound in a month kiddo seemed like we had conquered Everest to me!) Dizzy- yes, but could be considered part of the process. Forgot to mention I can vomit at will these days- not our proudest moment of course, but there we are regardless. Finally- your heart beat was in the 150's after she couldn't find it- scary moment!- and she thinks your measuring large but that was only with a tape measure so who knows.
Some times you can tell when someone's holding back info- its in their eyes and demeanor. Some times you should ask more questions, I know, but some times, I've learned that it only brings on more stress. Which isn't what we need right now.
If you want my honest opinions here- I think they are monitoring me for pre-eclampsia. It is what my gut tells me. While my gut is usually right, but I hope to all heavens that it's wrong. I really do.
In a quite but serious way we went over the headaches, and how to identify preterm labor like 19 times. We revisit the reasons why I should not hesitate to call them and etc. etc. etc. She let me walk out today but there was hesitation. So come what may- kiddo keep doing what you do and I will get some of your details and laundry done this weekend. I will also pack our overnight bags as precautionary. I have loaded the phone with all the phone numbers we need.
Prayers for us kiddo, Love your Mom
7.26.2012
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32 weeks- just under 50 days kiddo. You ready? LOL!
We had an epic round of Dr apt yesterday- Glad to report that all was really positive! We almost got to see you in 3d too- win one for Momma because I could have never afforded to pay for it out of pocket- but then, you did your usually uncooperative thing you do at ultrasounds, and wouldn't move your hands. I had a good laugh regardless.
I think ever time I see you it's like a bit of magic happens- and I smile all day just thinking of you. I keep saying I've waited a long time for you kiddo. I mean it. I know you're right on schedule according to fate and God's time line... But it's been a long time coming in my heart, and I am so glad it's our time now.
Also glad to say I have also finally calmed down-I am so glad to say I am no longer hearing the "Some thing's wrong, some thing's wrong" chant in my head. I think we're not out of the woods yet with this diabetes thing but we've come a long way regardless of what happens now. I am actually excited- and in a giddy way. I am a ball of emotions these days- I bawled twice at the hospital yesterday when I say two newborn baby boys being sent home with their families and rubbed your bump. Soon, kiddo you will be subject to all my zaniness in real life! LOL!
Ok- best keep it short this week. Lots to do in such a short time. Hugs, and more hugs, me
7.25.2012
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It's been a long long weekend. The kind a girl needs a few days to recover from!
SO- the guys got started on the nursery closet and wall. Dh is having a good friend help. I know in advance I shouldn't complain, as he's doing this free but.... when someone tells you they'd be there at 9 and then shows up at 11, suddenly has to run because he's out of time, asks you to call with the final measurements so he can advise how much lumber/supplies we will need... and then doesn't return your calls for two days... well, you get a little pissy. So we're some where between progress and a standstill. : )
I took Ds to the mall to play in the bookstore play area and ran into friends shortly there after. We had a decent time visiting, and then in some act of idiocy in me decide to hike to the food court to ride the train and get a treat. We stopped in the new toy store and priced out his school uniforms along the way. I am suppose to be walking 30 minutes a day anyways, so the thought of doing this in air conditioning was really appealing. Needless to say, since little bit is riding low these days, a back ache started. We finally ended up back at the car- me in tears. I went home and slept for 12 hours straight!
Which, in hindsight, wasn't so great for my sugar levels.
Sunday we all wake up really late. Its the big day for DS's birthday at McDonald's. We roll out of the house with minutes to spare.... only to get a bunch of flack from the manager when we arrive. Apparently no one told her we had scheduled a party and they were completely unprepared. To shorten this part up- they fixed it! In fact they went above and beyond! The party was perfect! Hen was so happy! It couldn't have been better no matter what!
We close up the party and get home. The phone rings. MIL's brakes have gone out and SIL calls to tell us about it. So we load up and head over. The idea is that DH will take the car up to the shop and drop it off for a Monday apt. I will pick him up from there. Only problem is when we walk in she says "smell that?" Uh. yeah, we all do. It's propane. (Or something really like it.)
While we sit there trying to decide what course of action to take MIL dials up 911. (Say what!!) The attendant tells us to get out immediately. By the time we walk out to the car there are 4 full size fire engines pulling up and a hoard of local children come running into the yard.
Do you ever have one of those moments where you wish you could disappear or crawl under a rock? Yeah- this is my moment.
Neighbors are running around, kids are squealing with excitement, dogs are barking. At least 10 guys in full gear go racing into my Mil's apt- it cant be 700 square feet so where they all fit I don't know. I really do mean full gear- axes, o2 tanks, the works. (Dh said later as we rehashed the details he heard one of the radios broadcasting fully engulfed.) We were kind of stunned- I mean all we had was an unidentifiable smell... Anyhow, after touring the place and the neighbors, becuase its a duplex, after all the details were compiled and fact checked twice we were given their final verdict.
No propane, the area was completely safe, with a high recommendation to remove her trash can. That is where the smell was coming from. I could have died on the spot. It sure is funny today though!
7.23.2012
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hoping this isn't an epic sized entry- sorry in advance if it ends up that way. It's been a few long weeks, and frankly we've been up to a lot!
Dh started on the room- details include the granting our loan, picking out carpet and wall color and pricing out the necessary supplies. We are hoping to get electric rerouted and the closet framed in soon.. ei, this weekend. Then we'll push through the wall and be on our way. (in attempt to not have a ridiculous electric bill this is our advised method. Hoping it works! )
More things are being dropped off by well wishers and regifters. Seems like we went from having most things to "oops! Doubles and triples of some things!" I was grateful and laughing about it earlier but then things took an out of control turn. If we had triplets on the way perhaps! But we don't! So a regifting we will go!
I had my high risk ob apt. yesterday to discuss my gest diabetes... I should be grateful I know, but I am just upset instead. I mean if this was a real deal crisis why has it taken a month to get me from testing into the office? ok- 3 weeks but still waiting on a meter and a dietician consultation. that puts us out at least another week. (never mind me- probably just my hormones making me crazy. every thing else seems to be connected to them these days!) But there was great news - you weighed in at 3 pounds and 13 ounces and said to expect you to gain apx 4 more before birth. And, they ran risk assessment ultrasound and did a genetic work up (that I had waived at the reg ob. I have always wondered if I had made the right decision back in the spring when I did that.) and you look picture perfect. Am a bit afraid what the charge will be (I think this one is out of pocket, no insurance!) but at the same time I should admit it was really nice to see you again kiddo. You're kind of my favorite! And I am super glad to say your are picture perfect!
So it's H's birthday Monday- we're getting together Sunday with friends and family to celebrate. Low key this year for sanity's sake. We went with McDonalds and I will sing (or scream) their praises next week! lol!
Hugs kiddo, more to tell for sure but not at present. Work is calling and so is a restroom break.
7.18.2012
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when did that happen? We're at 30 weeks- headed to an ob apt in just a few minutes. Will update on that this afternoon but wanted to tell you the sweetest thing before I forget.
DH was leaving for work this am- He tells DS his normal goodbye turkey, snuggles from dad thing he does. (you'll love it!) Then suddenly he turns and rubs my belly and says hey in there, turkey number2! I'll see you soon too!
It made me aware that until now it's been most you and me kid. I've been excited for you but cautiously worried about how your arrival will affect the other people in our lives. Ds, dh, mil, sil, and all the other people and changes that I remembered from H's arrival. I tried to tell myself it was okay if it was just me who's super excited and the rest would fall in place. In attempt to not bombard DH I have not badgered him with details and wonders like I did every spare minute with H's beginning. In attempt to balance H's life I have tried to include you but not in an obsessed sort of way. Well, I am here to tell you this- They're excited kid. Totally excited! I think I've just realized how much.
30 weeks update:
ok- so we asked a lot of questions- I really do mean a lot! So, what this means for you- no more protein in urine, weight gain under control again, and our minds are at ease. Seems the new standard here in town is to send a gal to the new perinatalogist (hope I spelled that some what right) when she has gp. Previously there wasn't a specialist in town so they were using generic endocrinologist's to fill the gap as needed. Now we go see the new Peri-Ob on the 17th and learn what we need to do to manage our diabetes. Little bit, your heartbeat in the 150's! Also, you were kicking the dailies out of both the doppler and the Dr. Made for an interesting check for sure. Dr said it is quite possible that you are head down- would explain the pressure in my back and kidneys. Apparently you could also turn back again at any time.
And, we have a birthday kiddo. Get ready- September 12 around noon you should be making your grand entrance! : ) Kind of excited to say the least!
7.11.2012
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I hurt. My hands ache every where. I am totally hating this today... in an attempt to keep my pitful self rants out of this I am going to tell you that the 4th was kind of awesome and promise more later. Sorry kid. Maybe better day tomorrow. 10 weeks left kid- 10 weeks. (smiling) mom
7.5.2012
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I feel lost- no sale diet, add in gestational diet.
Only 78 more to go, give or take. Three meals and 2 snacks a day. Whole crispers! That's a lot of eating! and-Having said that -What's left that I can eat?? LOL! I know there must be something out there beyond eggs but I cant quite remember what it is. For today, it's eggs in attempt to quell the crazy hunger I have been feeling. And, even with charting my food intake and being within the calories I should be allowed I saw the scale go up this am. I guess this is the gd talking- since until yesterday Carbs were still in play. Or maybe it's little bit growing. I don't know... I have art degrees, am not a physician. : (
Head shaking- I'll get it. I just don't quite know how just yet.
7.3.2012
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Little bit- not sure what's going on these days.
Went in for our 28 week apt- 3rd trimester here we come!!-
Shortly there after it seemed that all hell broke loose. Should know the results of our 2nd glucose test this afternoon. Got a huge "what the heck have you been doing" for our weight gain- apparently we're up 12 pounds in a month which makes them think thyroid issues may be at hand unless I am not being honest about what I have consumed -so we had blood drawn for that too. And lectures, howdy the lectures about eating the wrong things or too much, and if I don't get this in check....etc, etc. (Am going to start keeping a food diary!) And there was protein in my urine today. And she sees the swelling in my hands so we finally agree this could be an issue. I feel like we're at the beginning of a really long haul kiddo- these last three months are going to be tough!
You're heartbeat was great though- in the 140's. It always makes me smile to hear your heartbeat. Some metaphor is working itself up in my head, just wafting through my thoughts but hasn't quite make text just yet.
Well kiddo, Will update more as I know it. Until then hang in there and don't get any ideas about showing up early. We will totally meet soon enough in Sept. Hugs, songs. your momma
6.27.2012
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just found you a brown fuzzy blanket with guitars on it! I am in love with it and it's going through the laudry right now. : )
I figured out how to make my own boppy covers and am super excited!
Plus, we found a nice diaper bag within budget at Walmart on Thrs. night.
A friend posted new baby photos- she had a suprise yesterday when her son entered the world! THey were team green. He is super cute! SO -i believe that makes two babies born yesterday! And I am headed to a baby shower today.
I think I am in baby overdrive.
Hurry up Septemeber!!! (but not too fast!)
6.23.2012
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We took H. to Elmo Superhero's Live last night- and he danced and sang and had the best time. AND- kind of hilarioulsy- so did you little bit! Nearly the whole time you were bumping and bouncing! I think you liked the upbeat tempos and all the singing! You probably would have like the fun colors and movement too if you cold have seen but, alas. Next time!
We're all still here- moving forward day by day. It's getting harder for my pants and shirts to meet in the middle but I still can belly rub the dog! Speaking of which- he's still withus, and he's on bed rest for a knee injury- dont get me started or laughing. Bed rest for an over active dog! What a joke! He's milking it though, and having the best time recovering!
In terms of you- my whittle heartburn baby! You're bringing it by the buckets these days. And kicking a bit which is nice, but never seems as much as your brother. And, I would swear i'm having hot flashes- hormonal surges of some sort... hah- superpowers?! Hand still swelling- but the bone ache in my fingers has regressed with less sodium. Which is in EVERYTHING by the way. Eyeroll.
hugs kiddo- am in love wtih you already! Me
6.20.2012
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feel like I should be singing 98 bottles of beer on the wall... 98 bottles of beer, you take one down, etc etc.
not much has changed around out house expect for my plans for your pack and play in my room now include a dresser and a changing station. There has been no progress on your room kiddo and I just can't wait it out. I don't work like that and am trying to be patient but... It's killing me to not be able to organize and prepare for you. sp- I am either going to turn in to Mom-zilla and freak out about this or I will have to make alternative plans. Best for everyone at present in alternative plans so that's where I am headed.
on a side note- I am really staring to panic about these numb fingers that keep me awake at night. I read things online (bad decision!!Never play Internet Dr and read up on things you don't have a clue about!) that make me worry that I'll have permanent nerve damage if we don't get it in check. Also seems to run along side diabetes so perhaps this gives me an new action approach hun? No salt, carbs in check, and -whoot- I started back to walking last night. Sure deal kiddo- We're not going down without a fight! LOL!
well, kiddo! gatta run- well, not literally, more waddle these days. More soon, hugs and good day dust, Mom
6.13.2012
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(eyes popping)
AHHHHHHH!
6.11.2012
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something strange happened on the way to work this am. There I was rolling down the highway when a city bus rolled by. Normal in itself, but it triggerred a though that I might be home after all. It was a scene from home. Yes, truly home.
I have lived in my current location for 12 years. Yes, 12 years. I have never considered this stop home before but more along the lines of just passing through until my final destination revealed itself. Staying felt more like punishement, or sentencing... not that its a bad place by an stretch becuase its not. It's just not where I thought I would be for most of my life.
Maybe it's nesting, or I've changed. I dont know. But here is where I am, and it's a good life. I have good frineds and crazy family whom I love. its where I should be... and I am glad that I've decided in my heart to stay!
6.8.2012
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Hey there Little-Bit.
It's been raining here this week. Big fat drops and deluges when it comes, grey skies in between. It fills the marshes and floods the roads. It makes the grass green and the flowers happy. And, the best, kiddo, is that the grey overcast makes the colors of the world pop in such a celebratory way. Like crayons fresh in the package, or a new row of paints.
I have committed to to college 10 year reunion show kiddo-(before you get to giggling in there, no way am I that old- its' for all students from that year! LOL!) I emailed for an update on when the exhibition will hang so that I can prepare in advance. I would love to show you off
-hint, hint- but chances are we will be waddling in to the exhibition meet and greet. It was a sign I think, to stop hiding behind excuses and get back to my soul- its time to create my art in the world I live now -and find ways to be happy in what I do. Hard knocks I suppose but one I shouldn't have to keep relearning!
H. graduated from PreK this past week. It was bittersweet- to see him growing up is so nice but he's my baby too, and always will be. I was really worried I would cry through the whole thing- be warned, it's just the way I am- but in the end we laughed so hard at the classes antics onstage that there was no time for tears. Such fun. And just think kiddo, you get to take part in all this in just a few months. And in a few years, you'll be on that stage dancing your way to kindergarten too!
I've been dreaming about you kiddo- you're life's big mystery. I've imagined you a hundred different ways already. Will you look like me or Dad? Curls like H (and Dad) or straight like me? Who will you act like? (hint- notme, notme!) Will you be high strung or laid back? You kick when I am laughing so I know you're listening... will you like us? Will you sleep? Will you have colic? You're my new obsession kiddo! LOL!
I should go but there's so much to tell- guess I will leave you with this- H comes into living room the other day- he says he was dreaming about you and that when you grew up you could burp so loud that all the trees around the house fell to the ground. He then proceeded to laugh himself silly. It was really cute- had to remember to tell you! Hugs, littlebit, and more hugs. Soon, Love, Mom
6.6.2012
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Our 24 week apt was this am! All is well- only gained 21 pounds so that was a shocker! I thought it was much higher! Come to think of it there was so much going on at the last apt that I don't even know what it was! We got to hear Jake's heartbeat- really wonderful! He was kicking and making it hard to hear! LOL! Other than my numb fingers and hands all is great! One more month visit and then we go to every two weeks! : P Yikes! Last but not least Jake's measuring a week ahead at 25 weeks in position but they said not to worry because things can fluxuate 2 weeks in either direction. Hands still numb and aching but I've got an action plan on fixing this!
Time to get serious- time to finish off buying what we need but that's not much. Bottles and a couple what nots. Am also thinking to get a back up pack-n-play for our bedroom in case Dad doesn't get the room finished in time.
It's so real all of a sudden!
5.29.2012
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And, it's Dad's birthday today! Double exciting! We went out of town last weekend for it- might be one of the last trips we go on without you... though I can see you smiling in you carseat in the backseat already! LOL!
I am home sick today, so I decided to fold your clothes and things. It's funny, if you came tomorrow we wouldn't be quite prepared but we're def. heading in the right direction! There's so mighty cute things in there, and even though Dad doesn't realize I made some of the blankets, burpies and bibs! Kind of proud- they might be my favorite items!
I think we're going to try to breastfeed again. I keep talking about it and asking questions- I really feel like we have to try this. Its so beneficial... but I wont beat myself up if it doesn't work. And, I will ask for help if I get in over my head! Promise!
We're on the down hill slide kiddo- less than 4 months until we meet you. I think I am going to let H. stay home that day from school. We do things as a family round here so I think he should be there... Not in delivery of course, but perhaps someone can bring him up to meet you after they let me go to a real room. I don't know- I will probably change my mind like 9 more times, and that's okay too.
I keep thinking we aren't going to term kiddo- which makes no sense to me- but it's a thought that keeps rolling in the back of my mind- I keep thinking you're going to be a late August baby and not a Sept. Baby. So strange to be thinking because we have no complications or issues suggesting you are coming early. I hope I'm wrong. I also feel like you're going to be here so quick that we might get a natural delivery instead of waiting on that c-section. Not just fancy talks or me dreaming what ifs- it's really weird. So long as you're healthy kiddo- The rest is mere detail.
5.23.2012
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Buddy, you're kicking Momma's butt! And belly. And kidneys, and every other thing in between. LOL! I feel you all the time now... moving, fluttering, pushing. It's been a long time coming and I sure glad for it.
Things here are moving along, faster each day. We're past the half way mark now which is really unbelievable. Soon, my boy, we will meet face to face and I am excited more each passing day. It all feels surreal somedays, becuase I've waited for you for so long. So long kiddo, that I almost gave up hope.
Becuase time seems to be out of my control this week I am going to gift you my favorite baby boy quote and call it a wash. Hugs kiddo. M
Alan Marshall Beck
Boys are found everywhere -- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket
5.16.2012
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Hey "little-bit! We got an "all clear" today!
Looks like we have to run the test again at 26 weeks but for now we're doing just fine!
And that make me smile for you!
Hugs and keep on kicking!
This old mom.
5.10.2012
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Yeah Little bit! You're kicking in there! : )
Last week was a little rough- what with all the crazy comments about boys and then the diabetes tests. But, we pulled through like we always do!
Things here are coming together- Someone is coming tonight to help assess what needs to happen for your bedroom walls. We know we need a wall and the closet, but arent sure what else this will entail. Mr C is really excited to help- it's what he does so this should be easy... famous last words coming from you Mom! It's never the "easy" I think it should be! LOL!
I organized your "things" and kiddo- it's hit or miss! LOL! You've got loads of hand me down books and twenty bazillion socks but you dont have any pj's beyond the two pair left over from H. So, you'll have warm feet but a cold everything else! Not to worry- Bamma has been shopping... The madness has begun. Its just a matter of time I suppose and it will look like fisher price exploded once again in our house. : )
and we find out today about our GD test. Thanks for being a good sport and hanging out with me yesterday! LOL! Like you had a choice hun? It was long, and boring for sure! Am really hoping the ugly monster registers becuaese otherwise we'll have to do this test again in another month or so. Grump!
Hugs kiddo, have to go. - you're Mom
5.9.2012
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Well Mr. Jacob, seems your a boy! But, that was only determined after a very LONG Dr's apt that included two different ultrasounds and 3 ultrasound techs (and a glucose drink/test) Then they were 100% sure. Little-Bit, you surely made the day a long one! ps- Bamma didn't mind- she thought it was all in good fun! She said she had never seen a sonogram before and loved every minute of it!
But when reveal finally came there was silence- gasps and silence in the room. No one knew what to say, they totally were convinced you were a girl. (I knew better kiddo! I knew it from day one.) And then we started calling to tell people and even funnier responses. A. thought we were lying to her straight up and H. thought we were playing a joke. And it went on....
Hen read the ultrasound where it said "its a boy!" and his eyes got huge, his mouth all round as he took it in. Then he turned to me and and out of nowhere come an "I-told-you-so!" Lol! In fact he had told me just the day before that you were a boy. He's quite a character that kid!
It's been a long week and it's only Tues evening kiddo. So enough said, and more soon. Hugs and bugs, Jess
ps- Hen is saving rollypolly's in a mason jar in the back porch. See what you have to look forward to??
5.1.2012
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 Baby Jacob Ethan!
Mid September 2012!
4.30.2012
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 less than 24 ours left- just today and tomorrow morning! : )
breathing slowly, trying to be normal and not a great big ball of nervous energy.
its not working! LOL!
4.29.2012
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 unit we know for sure!!
Some of us are trying very patiently to wait this out.
Some of us are not doing a very good job,
4.28.2012
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 4 days until we know for sure
are you boy
or
are you girl??
Either way
You've had my whole, whole heart
wrapped around
you from the very start.
4.27.2012
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 Giggling! 5 more days until we find out!!
4.26.2012
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I think we're in limbo playing this waiting game. Count down to project pink/blue has officially begun! And I am in the worst possible mood on the planet. I realized it the other day when we saw R. who is also expecting (her 1st) and she shines, radiating love and excitement. By comparison I just am. I am trudging forward in some pale attempt at being human this week... but even that need be applied loosely. Perhaps its my age. I'm just so tired kiddo. I am completely exhausted by 3 o'clock. There is so much to be done though that I keep rolling, because things like lunches and laundry really cannot wait. : P
And to boot some lame retrospective on my life has been playing out daily in my mind like a bad tv movie. Nagging questions echo through my thoughts like Have I done enough? (YES!) am I who I should be? (YES!) did I give up on a career too soon? (who call tell- I didn't even like the path I was headed on!) what does it mean if I changed career paths and walked away from the arts when I did? (nothing if I am okay with that!) I don't know why self doubt always rears her ugliness when I am in the middle of something big! (ie... you!) Guess that's when your at your most vulnerable, hun? It shakes the world and makes you think deep.
I think its because I've been hanging around the old art crowd again- there is always a love/hate thing that happens when I do. I am too simple and not narcissist enough to keep hanging with the old crowd and I know this. I am completely grounded and solidly contented when I'm on my own. But when they call I forget.... and they sound so appealing and so glamorous and I rush back in thinking things will have changed. But the only thing changing in my way of thinking....and I'm thinking that maybe someday.... (did you catch that line of that old country song pop up? lol)
oh kiddo. I've used up the whole blog whining about life. I am so sorry. Its been a tough week, and I have put more thought into your gender reveal- I have a lovely pink and blue flower to hang on my name plate. I am keeping it simple- and classy and cant wait to see it hanging there. I found you a cute frog carter outfit that made me giggle and so it came home. And the best day all week was Sunday- we went to the home depot and H and I waited in the car while dad picked up some thing he needed. We made it into a huge picnic affair on the tailgate and we snuggled and chatted. I love that kid more than anything else on the planet! I think he's going to be your best friend when you get here...
Ok. Second lunch is calling. Love you ~ mom, the hobbit.
4.24.2012
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Bean, little bean! You're about 5 1/2 inches long. Perfect strangers come up to me declaring you a boy. You're definitely growing in there, and I'm rounder by the day.
I don't have much this week kiddo- the yard sale was a bust- we made a little bit of money but our bad signage made it hard to find us and we ended up donating a lot of things to the local goodwill. Not that that's so bad either. BUT, we have space now, regardless and that was our goal. So over all it was a win.
Dad started screening the back porch to move the kitty litter outside and to allow G and F to have some peace of mind in an outside setting before you get here. They're kind of old kitties, kiddo. They don't like change. They aren't going to like you so much. They don't really like anything beside tuna and dinner so don't take it personal. We are thinking that since G loves to be outside (well, he doesn't actually know if he likes outside but its on his bucket list so....here's to trying!) that this would be as close to a wild life free environment as we can provide him. LOL! G would lose his last whisker if he actually encountered anything alive out there. But anyhow...
H had his first game of tball last night. Two things surprised me- how happy he is when we root for him and how many pregnant mommas are walking around out there! You'll surely have a full class when it's time for school! Its nice to know others due around the same time- makes it a little more fun
I am tying to find some clever way to "reveal" you to the work world. Blue or pink flower in my hair? Blue/pink cupcake frosting? Blue booties? PInk Booties? the world is divided. And I am starving! LOL! I spend too much time thinking about you kiddo. That's the doggone truth!
Ok- time to go. Will update if anything else pops in my mind. Otherwise. hugs and more in a week. Me
4.18.2012
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So we're at 17.5 weeks or so. I am tired. I think its showing. Everyone in the past few days has hinted at me not looking like I feel well. Its funny, I keep thinking I've hidden how tired and slow I am, I keep smiling and trying to keep up with life. Keep trying to be creative and funny. I guess those who know me know better. Seems I have fooled no one. : ) I guess it's time to let myself slow down, and nap when I need to, and to just be. Bev just said last Monday to listen to my body as it's knows what i needs best. I am also trying her 5-6 small meals instead of eating one large one and being done. Headaches are better for sure! And, we've managed to grocery shop this week and not buy an soda! (WINWINWIN!) It's time for that change- but I never expected it to come from DH who's always had a soda with dinner or lunch.
I have resolved to start being okay with where I am, and to ask for help when i need it. So. ...
I asked for help from 2 friends today- I have a wedding to photograph in two weeks and am afraid I wont have the energy to pull a full 12 hour day like I usually do. Back up- becuase I cant mess this up for them, it's only once in their life and I love the couple. It's not there fault I pee every hour and half! LOL!
4.15.2012
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so kiddo, I've not much to say as I've been posting all week. You're doing great in there! We find out if you are team blue or team pink in just a few more days. We've decided on names- Jacob Ethan if you're a boy and tossing around Jocelyn/Josie if you're a girl. The "nursery" is emptier every day- big yard sale Saturday to clear out all the un-needed stuff that we've accrued and is now filling up the shed. Still piling up wipes and found you some great green plaid and fish print pants the other day! And, It's been hinted that you're going to have a surprise baby shower one day here soon which is overwhelming and exciting all at the same time to think about. I guess I will need to stop worrying about family members who have old fashioned traditions and let my guilt go because in my heart I want this for you. I really want to celebrate you by having a nice lunch with all the ladies in the family and all our close friends. : ) You're special kiddo!
ok- life and the laundry is calling, and I've told you every thing I can think of except this- the Easter Bunny brought you a little green frog toy- it's very cute. It makes me smile when I see it, but alas, I've packed it into your stuff for you to play with when you get here.
Hugs and kisses, Mom
4.11.2012
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Today was our 3rd office visit and all is well. Blood pressure fine, weight fine, all the basics fine. Heartbeat was between 140 and 150- depending on where and how the baby was moving. So we're still about half and half on boy vs girl! LOL! (Henry was quite taken with this part and he wondered if we could hear any heartbeats from his belly! LOL!)
Bev gave me ideas on how to help this never- ending head ache too! I will be sure to drink enough fluids and on the off chance it's allergies I am going to try zyrtec as she felt it was better option than claritin. And, perhaps the most exciting part is that I will be going in on the 30th for the gender scan and etc etc etc. I didn't hear anything else quite honestly because though she was taking and taking notes I was floating off the table in a cloud of delight just thinking about seeing the baby and finding out if boy or girl! LOL!
Best part of the whole apt- My 4 year old crawled behind the exam table while we were talking and hid. Suddenly I heard the weirdest sound- like candy wrappers followed by some chewing. Finally I said," Hen come out here where I can see you? Are you eating candy back there?" Well, he sure was. He had snuck a couple of pieces from his basket and though that he would be in trouble for eating them in the office! M NP Bev and I both laughed ourselves to pieces over it!
4.9.2012
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Chinese calander: Boy
Heartbeat: Girl
Baking Powder: Boy
Cravings- Mosty sugars and fruits (girl) with splashes of salt (boy)
Acne- Severe, Girl
Nose- totally widening -boy
Morning sickness- boy
So there we have it- 3 girl to 4 boy. Only 6 more weeks until confirmation.
Lol! I love this silly stuff.
4.5.2012
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Oh the drama kiddo. I cry over everything. A baby laughing on the radio, a sad commercial on tv, a funny email. You could really say that I am a mess! You are fine though- about the size of an avocado I read. With fingernails and blood pumping in your heart now. :') See- tears just welled up again. (eye rolling at myself!)
Just a few more days until our 3rd apt. H is coming with this round. He's on spring break and he's dying to know more about you anyways so I thought lets do this. It's just a quick check in with the nurse practitioner so all will be quick. And in a month we will know if your a boy or girl. I think girl. H thinks boy. He stands by your name is Wyatt too- even if you are a girl! A girl names Wyatt. LOL! Well, we'll just wait to see before tackling that argument. I hate I told you so's and he would surely just roll his eyes and say just that!
H declared that he thinks you can see us all through my bellybutton. He says its like your own personal window to peek out of. I suppose I should ask if he thinks you like us- sure to beget a funny answer. But I haven't just yet.
Worldly news kiddo- The hydrangea did come back to life. She's such a late bloomer. And there is some color/chemical combination found in soda that scientist think shows a link to cancer. Time to cut out an old habit just in case! And, we found a new family run pizza place down the street from our house and the make a wonderful salad! And have foosball which H loves to play. Some day you'll get to go with us and see it for yourself. The people who run it are great!
16 weeks kiddo. Still along ways out but still we've come so far. Keep up all your doing okay. Leave the rest to us- Hugs from H and Dh and me- Same old, same old, Mom. (and a song)
4.4.2012
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I finally wrote the letter...
to Michigan Bamma (my Mom) to tell her of your arrival. I imagine her joy upon reading the letter... the happy smiling excitement, the sparkle in her eye, the happy thoughts and wishes for you, her wanting details and name ideas, her rushing out to look and touch baby things, and....
then reality sets in.
the sad reality of it.
and my heart hurts for all that we cant share.
Hurts a lot kiddo. : )
Michigan Bamma is schizophrenic. She doesn't always know who I am or answer her phone. She's so complicated kiddo, and for peace in my life I have let her take a back-seat and don't include her so much in our lives. A nice story here or there, sure. But never the whole truth because it makes it hard to breathe. And think. And act.
For a while now the rest of the family has been passing judgement on down the line, criticism for not tell her first and foremost. Aunts, removed from the situation, stare silently at me when they ask what she said, is she excited, etc. Knitted brows, curious eyes. I know it had to be said, written more likely to get through, but still. Last time I wrote it unleashed a huge wave of drama that ended up in court twice, with a lawyer bill on my desk for something I wasn't even aware of. So, I have been bidding my time, setting out the inevitable. And today, I wrote the letter and put it in the mail. And you have been released onto the world in whole now. Smiles, hugs, a song. ~This old Momma
3.30.2012
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So you about the size of an apple. And, I feel you kicking every now and again. I wish you would do it regularly so that they guys can feel it too! : ) I know, in time, right? For now you're like my secret only you're poking out a bit so if some one wanted to know I think they could guess.
Things here on the outside are such a mixed tape kiddo. I tried to keep a running list in my head of all the things I wanted to share with you like about the red fox that is now running around our property- He's so pretty! I just love him and hope he stays roaming and doesn't become a pest so he can stay. And the Model T car show that's in town this week has been such fun to see driving out on the highways. You wouldn't even believe the changes technology has made in such short time, or how most people don't even seem to care but take it for granted. I bought you some paci's and you Daddy about choked on dinner when he saw them! LOL! And Easter Bunny told me you were getting something neat for Easter in the family Easter basket. We'll just hang onto it until you come around so no worries.
Other news- just as relevant but not as fun: Daddy is going to look for a new job- it's been hinted twice in the past few weeks that the business where he works isn't making money and are considering all their options which could include selling out or folding the business. I hate standby and have encouraged him to start looking, putting out feelers so he will have options if the time comes and he needs them. And, Bamma is doing well with her surgery- she's got more mobility now than she's had in the past few years. Having said that she's got no income for the next 12 weeks and we are trying to help out where we can- to ease the pain of no income. Your Aunt Heahea has finally moved - come what may- are thinking things can finally settle down for them now but who can tell right?
The oak leaves have finally stopped blowing out of the trees and the dogwoods are blooming kiddo. Spring is completely here. I think we lost the hydrangea bush but it always has been a late bloomer so its hard to tell. We've put a few daisy's in the garden boxes to chipper up the yard but really its just the beginning of what needs to happen to make us liveable again outside. You have a new wagon- Hen gave it a trial run and agrees that its the best thing ever invented. And, we registered him for Kindergarten last Wed. I need to bring the final paper work in to finalize things but its such a bitter sweet day none the less.
well, bathroom run kiddo. More next week. Hugs, and keep up what you do best. Hugs and song, your crazy Mom
3.28.2012
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Totally feel you kicking in there! Thank you, it stops me and makes me smile every time! I thought I had imagined the first one but it was so solid and sure. Still not consistent but I'll take it kiddo! : )
3.27.2012
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kiddo you're the size of a lemon right now- and growing by the minute. It's amazing the difference a week makes.
This week has been such stress- I am not even going to put it into words becuase I dont want it in you baby book- (i print these out and save them as backup) Its been like a weird life-time tv drama that's been playing out for weeks and I've just had enough. One day kiddo, it's coming around again. It has too- I'm keeping hope alive!
Sorry kiddo, nothing more. Hugs to you from this old Momma. : )
3.25.2012
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I found H hiding behind his bedroom door this morning. The dog- ie, his "lookout", actually gave him away because he was lying in a rather unusual location. While I was in the shower H had found the box of snoopy band aids and had decided to cover up all his bug bites. Howdy, I laughed. He looked like a page from the funnies there were so many band aides on his legs! LOL! I When I asked why he was hiding- he thought I might yell at his using up the whole box and being wasteful.
I told H the following story- the once a long time ago, when I was his age I had a thing for mushrooms. I mean REALLY had a thing for mushrooms- the kind in the can. When my Mom would make spaghetti I would often sneak the can of mushrooms off the counter and go hide in the closet (or under the bed) and eat the entire can. Money was tight, in fact we were usually given food from local churches or state subsidy so I knew I was in the wrong. But they were my absolutely kid favorite food and I couldn't help myself. Anyhow, the last time she found me I had chipmunk cheeks packed full of mushrooms. And do you think she yelled? You betcha she did. (We're talking about my Mom here, not me! LOL!) I am sure she laughed herself silly as soon as she was out of the room but for my sake she yelled.
As I told H this this morning I asked if I yelled too much lately and he shook his head yes. I pulled him close and swore on the sun that I would try harder to no let the little things get the best of me. I also told him I wouldn't yell about the band aids- that since it was almost payday we would just add them to the grocery list. And we did.
3.22.2012
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Hen starts Tball tonight. He asked if I could come get him around 3 so that way we can be on time for practice which starts at 6:30! LOL! I cant believe he's actually old enough to do this stuff. Feels like just yesterday we were having him and now he's on his way to sliding in to age 5. I am smiling just thinking of him standing up to bat tonight.
Update- it was awesome! I cant even describe how much fun to watch the kids run after the ball and go up to bat. Hen is the oldest on our team and the tallest but that was a given. And, when he went up to bat it cleared the field. He knocked it straight and true and it was gone- like he does at home all the time! The other parents were completely agast- and then cheering errupted and he smiled, all nervousness gone!
As we were all driving away I reached out the window and yelled to him in dh's car "Hey kid. You were awesome!"
H looked at me and smiled. "I know!" he said.
Well then hun? LOL!
3.20.2012
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Squeee! You have fingerprints! : )
And you are about 3 inches long although, I must admit it feels like you've taken up a LOT of space lately!! (Your Momma looks like she swallowed a buffet table- aka move over Stay Puff Marshmellow Man! LOL!)
Because I've already said so much this week I'll keep it short. Life's keeping us running- Bamma is doing well in her recovery and has taken steps again- maybe someday she'll walk again!! St.Pat's day is tomorrow and I am going to see if H wants to try fishing at the lake for a different, quiter celebration. Come what may if we actually catch something cuze I'm a kind of a pansy! : P H and I started an art project for you. And, I accidentally found out that we have 13 packages of wipes - lol! And 2 packages of diapers. Not really porportional but hilarious non the less!
All is going well kiddo. Keep growing and doing what you need to, okay. Hugs again, your Mom.
3.16.2012
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Mil went for surgery- I opted to go to workthat day instead of sitting in recovery with the family. Group decision- they felt it was under control, routine and that neither me nor BIL was needed so we both went to work. The next day I i stayed home sick with H- we've got some crazy crud going on. Here we are- now it's day three and I hear panic in Dh's voice when I call for check ups. She's not doing well. Something has gone wrong and she has more pain now then when she went in for surgery. And in different spots. The pain meds are making her sick while not touching the pain. I feel a bit over whelmed- I am not a medical professional and I dont know what to say or do for support so instead I wemble becuase I wemble best and then blog when there isnt a live action person available to wemble to for a reality check! LOL!
3.14.2012
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We have a heartbeat of 170! (Compared to 1st ultrasound where it was 183.) Dr joked that you were a girl and then laughed and said that was his best non-scientific quess and I should perhaps hold off on the pink marathon shopping. : )
So little one- all is good. After a quiet little scare of not find your heart beat at all Dr located you a bit higher than expected. A tine bit above my belly button but he said that with previous c-sections its not unusual for a bean attach and develop higher up. Explains quite a lot actually! Lol! I thought it was just snacks but apparently its just you.
Nurse asked if I was feeling movement to which I said I thought so, then she retracted and said too early for consistent, countable movements. Then she felt like it couldn't be you at all and that it would be closer and more noticeable around 16 weeks. I swear it's you, anyways, but they were right in that it's not consistent enough for anything measurable.
Finally we had the converstation on vbac vs repeat c-section. Looks like you and I have a date sweetheart- sometime mid to early Sept. He wasn't convinced, and he convinced me that vbac was the way to go. I would need to be tranfered to a whole new obgyn office to vbac - crazy laws in place by our hospital meant for patient safety so who can fault them mean that if he's not present during the entire laboring than it's a no go. Funny things happen when your OB works for the sister hospital to the one where we deliver.
3.12.2012
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who would think that a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds would be bullying and belittling each other? Pehaps just me- H has been the only for so long, and I've nothing to judge by. It could be my simple belief in good, and my idealistic dreams for his childhood. I dont know. but I surely hadnt imagined this being a behavior to contend with at this age. Sadly, apparently it is.
H came home with story the other day about a kid laughing about his accident at school and told him we would be yelling at him. We assured him we would not be yelling- H has a medical issue with constipation and we work though it when it comes up. We never yell. I dismissed it as another parent's skill set for potty training and left it at that. A few days later as we walked into school he ran and hid from another child declaring he was mean to him. Again, I thought he was over reacting and made no comment of it. A few days later came home the story that some kids were laughing at his hair because he has curls. We adressed it as we are individuals and God made us all different or the world would be a boring place. Then came Monday am when H told me that a kid was teasing him about his clothes and told him he dressed funny.He didnt want to go to school. The next day the kid was pushing him down and throwing dirt on him. The next day he asked to go back to his old daycare becuase the same kid told him he didnt belong there and told him to leave. H thought maybe the kid might be right, that he didnt belong there....
How the heck does a Mom combat this? What skill set do you provide for dealing iwth a prek bully you didnt even know existed? How do you protect your child from - well -a child? And who the hell said these words to this other child becuase I am sure he didnt just make them up. This is so sad- there's not win win here. None.
I felt my heart tearing in half- and I said to myself there is no bloody way this is okay. I stealed myself up and for the 3rd time this week I walked into that school and adressed this with his teachers- and this time I gave them a name so they can work in reverse as well. God help me, sometimes I really think I am over my head.
3.8.2012
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Premptively starting with a dread that I wont get far and will have to finish later- its been an emotionally trying day and I dont know literary it's going to come out.
You are the size of a lime! Whoot! And you are developing reflexes, like muscle twitches and sucking. Your eyes are up front now and... I dont recall what else.
Here's whats going on- OG is back in the hospital- she's your cousin and she' s 1 year younger than H. At Christmas she was very sick and we were put on standby as a family- she was not expected to live out the week. Suddenly, the Dr felt they found the cause of her staff and bacteria infections and gave her mutiple blood transfusions, etc,(it was quite bad and very traumatic) and finally sent her home with an antibiotic cocktail not really knowing what the effects will be. She came off the meds this week and is iin a steady decline back to her "coma" state where we started from. We are back to the Dr's dont know what is wrong in the first place, nor what they are up against. Its devestaing- it's not fair. She's a child. A very much wanted and loved child. But life sometime isnt fair, I know. Still doesnt make it better. And you cant shake your fists at God.
Bamma is scheduled for surgery Monday. Seems she was given two options- surgery for her herniated back and spurs or life expectancy in a wheel chair with no ability to walk. Which is a bit wacky in that we were told she wasn't a candidate for surgery a week ago- and thought she was being sent for pain management- which turned out to be the surgeons office and the apt for Monday.
I thought I was spotting early today- the final straw and freak out. Now officially a mess. I keep running to the bathroom- makes for a long and crazy morning- and it seems I am wrong, thank the stars! I will NEVER wear pink or red underwear again I promise you that!
In good news- we have met two local ladies who are also due around the same time as you and me. : ) It's nice to not be alone- to know that others are expecting at the same time- both in real life and here- they also are mid 30-40's and have 5 year olds! So we have many of the same concerns. I seem to be the only one who skipped the NT scan and am now reading stories online- I hope we made the right decision. I felt like it was Gods will when I made the call but now I hear stories and it sets me to wonder and worry. (I run like that. I figure you'll get use to it like the rest of the family did! i cant help it and it's too late to change. LOL!)
beyond that you have a quilt started- a special Mom-quilt for your pack and play or your crib. It was by accident but I love it and it looks like you. I cant explain it- it just feels right. Okay- time clock ticking away. I have to go. Maybe more midweek! Hugs kiddo. Hugs! Love, your Mom.
3.7.2012
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I love shopping for you baby! I cant help it! Everythign is so new, and clean, and full off possibilities. I found green socks today and they are so soft it's ridiculous, kind of like butter. You need not ask- I bought them. And the frog washclothes we liked too becuase we dont have any that arent really gross and brown.
It's so unreal- its like a daydream touching all of the baby things. Like a dream. I walk around, looking, and giggling, and tearing up, and mostly just and thinking off you and how you will be (or not be). How life will change and how we will laugh more...
3.5.2012
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You're about the size of a fig- and still growing by the second. I swear I've been feeling you bouncing around in there lady (or guy!) but I could just be crazy too!
I've been trying to hold off on writing this until we had good worldly news but we seem to be at standstill-forever waiting for the next move. So I guess its time to fill it in regardless hun?
We've been sick- seems a combo of cold and allergies has kept us hiding out the past week. And we ran out of our vitamins for a few days so I switched back to the old ones- ug! lesson learned. The prescription has been filled, and we now have the ones we like again so just another day before we are back in full swing.
Bamma fell at work on Thrs, and again on Friday night at home. She (we) spend Sunday in the Er thinking broken hip or blood clot since she was in such pain. She's 69 years old, just for the record, and the Dr told her it's time to start slowing down. She's run a bunch of tests and they found bone spurs on her back- the cause of the falling- and are trying to assess the damage while arranging for long term management of this strangeness. Everyone is on pins and needles, except your Bamma who doesn't really believe the seriousness of this- she fell again on Monday while ignoring Dr's orders to use her walker. It's hard, to see her not taking this seriously, but what exactly does one do or say to fellow adult to make her listen?
We've got an action packed weekend coming up- with birthdays and monster truck rally for H (weather permitting) and house work for me. I found you a couple yellow duck sleepers on sale and we did move the table and a cabinet in lue of organizing your bedroom when you get here. In two more weeks we're 2nd trimester- unbelievable lady (or guy) since I felt like we just learned of you a few minutes ago!
Cheers and song, tears and hugs from you Momma. Keep baking kiddo and know we are getting excited out here!
3.1.2012
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You're bigger than my thumb by just a bit, and your home is apx the size of a grapefruit! You have real fingers and fingernails, and your organs are growing by the minute! 10 more weeks until we find out if you are boy or girl- give or take a day, not that I am counting or anything. : )
Pink stuff has been arriving by the boat loads- seems the rest of the world thinks you're a girl. Well, honey, they though H was a girl too and they were plumb wrong! (which provided a lot of laughs at the hospital I will have you know!) This is going to be such fun! I will admit though that I might sniffle a little if I have to give the dresses back- BUT for only a minute- I think you're a boy and have since day one.
Dh is getting excited- he thinks you're going to be a fun addition to our madness and family life. (He thinks you're a girl too by the way- and if you are I will teach you the ways to melt his heart and wrap him around your finger.) He's told nearly everyone and with each tell he gets a bigger gleam in his eye.
In terms of the rest of the world- it's all good. Miore soon, work is calling...
2.23.2012
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Its been a lovely rainy week here. T had her baby this week, and we got to ogle her! Other than that there really isn't anything new.
You're growing, and I am making a conscious effort to eat less carbs and drink more water. Dr said to be careful of GD- to watch my carbs, and my weight, that it could come around really quick again since I had it with H.. and to be ubber careful with weight gain. Doing great so far kiddo!
Two separate people have offered us all their unused big ticket items for you- we have everything from a never used boppy to a swing, a bouncer, and more. So you will need a crib (which honestly could be in the offering) and a car seat. And little things! : ) God surely is helping make you homecoming easier than I could have ever imagined! Makes me feel like he really has your timing right from my end- and the support is still coming in overwhelming waves.
So kiddo- bake up! You have a lot to look forward to. And a lot of people are waiting to meet you! Its going to be a fun ride- and maybe I am overwhelmed when I take it all in but, in bits, day by day, I think its all coming together nicely!
2.17.2012
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its funny how one day I am great and alive and on my one-game and then the next I need at least 8 more hours of sleep and a bowl of warm soup to get me half awake.
Found the best set of yellow ducky swaddlers last night so I started a baby bin. Added a nice, soft fluffy blanket. I think telling this weekend made this all super real!
I am not one to wait last minute to get thing done so... let the gathering commence! LOL!
2.15.2012
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Well little one, seem that your brother is a huge fan!
He's told nearly everyone that he's going to be a big brother. (He's lifted my shirt and pointed my belly and showed people exactly where you are. All this with huge eyes and a great big grin.) He's going to name you Wyatt after his best friend, and he is going to share his bedroom with you. In fact I overheard him telling Dad that we need to move his bed over a bit to clear out space for your things. He has also picked out some great racecar toys for you to play with as soon as you get here.
I think you're going to like this family kiddo!
2.13.2012
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your apx the size of a kidney bean, and shaped much the same.
You have the beginings of teeth, and lungs, fingers and toes. You have eyes, and a heart. But, in truth you had my heart about two days after the bfp sprang to life in my hands.
DH came to your ultrasound today. I think its finally real for him. He's kind of quite about these things so its hard to gauge reactions. But, anyhow- there you were and you were awesome! We could see where your brain staring, and little arms and leg buds, and we saw your tiny heart just chugging away. Its so amazingly unreal- like I've waited my whole life for this!
So much good news, but we have challenges too. Looks like Mom's diabetes is coming back around. And I have to come to an agreement with the vitamins tha have been kicking my butt. Totally got these though, so no worries and just keep growing.
Tonight is a big family night kiddo. We are going to show your picture to your Brother. Will have to get back toyou on his reaction! He's a hoot, and I know he's going to be hilarious!
2.9.2012
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you're aproximately the size of a blueberry.
We meet you in one week- and I am counting. Oh yes, baby, I am counting the mintues.
Not very patiently I must add. : )
Not much has changed otherwise- we are in a bit of a holding pattern here in the outside world. I will unleashe the madness next week. On Valentine'd Day. In various forms and phone calls. I am kind of excited!
I presented the idea of you to your older brother- H the other night. He told me he only wants a brother and that he would share his room with you but forget about sharing the toys becuase babies bite stuff. He also offered up a name for you- but I cant spell it, let along say it, and never could I say it with as much gusto as he so you're off the hook. You will have a normal name like Luke or Emily, I promise! : )
So more soon, and if you could go easy on the ms I would apprecaite it much! Oh, if you can- send a sign- you know, boy or girl. Because I've found the cutest bathingsuit on the planet but its only going to work if you're a girl. Thanks. Talk to you soon! Your Mom.
2.3.2012
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only2 weeks and a day until we see our new addition! I am ecstatic!! Everyday the excitement grows a little bigger inside. It seems like I've waited my whole life for this- and of course I wonder how it's going to change things. Hen changed thing when he arrived and today I couldn't imagine my life without him so its bound to bring more great things!
So far- I am still a bit of a mess with come and go morning sickness though it really lasing all day long, and emotionally I can cry at the drop if a hat. Its okay, it's not forever. It also means good changes are happening in my body but truly, taco bell for lunch one more day this week? Ugh! the idea is paralysing.
We've still really not told, except strangers and removed friends who have no connection to family. I am still not ready for the backlash. I feel safe in not telling. And in that truth there is a terribleness that I am not sure I am willing to admit out loud.
In two weeks I will start to purchase things we'll need. I've been rolling around the decisions we will need to make. I have no answered but I guess I have time.
That's about it.
1.26.2012
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eek! I read the ticker and wondered when that happened! It still feels surreal. And strange like I've made it up or something. Still thick white cm, though my bb's aren't quite the crazy pain they were. Apt on the 10th. Which feels like an eternity away. Guess I need to make some valentines plans too- its only a litle further out too.
1.21.2012
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so now I am worrying- Probably from dh's comments last night- He says 1- that his mother staright up asked him if I am pregnant. He denied it to her face. Then he asked me how do I know the test wasnt' wrong. (Well. I mean- I guess it could be. But- why would it have said pg if I wasnt? Its never been wrong like that before.) Then he says dont you think this is kind of serious at your age? Maybe I should get in and see a Dr or soemthing. I have an apt on the 10th! I know he's been overwhelmed and silent since I told him but now I am just so confused.
And now, when I wake up my bb's have stopped hurting, like no feeling what so ever. Great- thanks guy. Becuase I needed a big cause of serius doubt to start the weekend off right. Now I am going to have to run out to a store today and buy another freaking test again.
1.20.2012
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Severe cramps! What the heck? I will not panic. I will not panic. I will breathe and be calm. I will also go read the symptoms for this week. I will be fine.
It's been a tough day.... this will probably be nothing. Just the old uterus doing tricks.
1.17.2012
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 I am barely keeping my eyes open today. I've gained three pounds. I feel like I've eaten the entire buffet- no matter what I eat it feels like it sits in my belly all day. And it doesn't go away. I have teenager acne all over my face- eww! I'm falling apart! LOL! Not really- and to be told in truth I am so glad to have these symptoms that I could sing about them in my sleep.
Here's what I've been up to:
I bought this little musical mobile for the crib. : )
I am thinking over names.
I've priced out a couple of daycares.
I priced diapers and formula twice. Okay- at every store I've shopped in during the past week! LOL!
Here's what I'm worrying about:
I'm a bit worried about how I am going to pull it together for work. I have to be 1-alert not asleep at my desk!! and 2-nice to people. so my unhinged mouth needs to silent itself, o and 3- they changed my pay structure on the 1st of Jan so I have to figure out how to work more efficiently to make the same amount of money I did last year. (went commission based- not by choice!)
I am so worried this new addition will the be the last straw in dividing dh's family apart- dh and his sis have been tense for the past 8 months which is more than I should be saying online. But its true and I don't even know what the reasons are any more- So while I know in my heart this is happening for God's reasons I still hate to think I might be bringing this on. I know you girls are thinking over reacting but I know more than I can rationalize or explain.
Well, ladies, I am going to drink this glass of water and then I am going to walk around the local lake with my son- who's a hoot and the apple of my eye. It will be sure to be a good time. Oh, and I am going to finish the laundry! Blah!
1.16.2012
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you know how when you have a secret you think the world knows. I swear MIL thinks something is up. She knew before we told with my 1st so in truth she might know. She's not saying anything tho.
1.15.2012
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I went to work with my contacts in the wrong eyes. lol! I had half day so went to set up my apt= and they're closed for the holiday. Should have known! LOL! Am really feeling cramps today. And am starting to feel the exhaustion. I should be out doing things instead I am sittin here like a lump paying bills and blogging. Uggga mugga. I am making myself go to goodwill right now.
1.13.2012
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I am thrilled. I think its becoming more real. I will call my obgyn in the morning and schedule an apt. Should I test again first? What? Where did that come from? What the heck is wrong with my brain. Oh, well. Will fill you in again tomorrow!
1.12.2012
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Even though I did have a digital bfp on Saturday morning I've been hesitant to be so excited as it was so early. Af should have been here yesterday and she's not. I think that once I am truly "late" that that it will all seem real. If all keeps on track I will call on Friday to make my 1st Dr's apt.
1.12.2012
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Cd11-
Cd12- Christmas Day- exhausted from the events. Nothing much in terms of af or cycle symptoms- O should be happening any time this week- I played with the tracker and if I have a lutal of 14 or 15 we're dead on, if we're lutal phase of less than it's during the week some. Am thinking that I'm either off in my suspicions on when it happens or I have too much caffeine in my diet.
CD13- for past 3 days my right ovary side/kidney area has been sore. Otherwise nothing to report. Less caffeine in diet, back on track with better eating.
CD14-lower back ache and slightly crampy feeling. (I am always slightly crampy feeling based of my last two months charts! LOL! ) Still in O week. Still wondering if have a kidney or bladder thing going on- Eyeroll.
cd15 haha- my bad. no idea.
cd 16 cm clear to white-ish, thick, tired and lower back ache
cd17 cm thick and white -nothing much else to report, napped in the car after the zoo, slept like a rock. so far not like last 2 cycles with the cramps! its winning the like the pms lotto to forgo them!
cd18 still thick white cm, lower back ache, light cramping. Same old same old! And it's new years eve! : )
cd19 still white cm- but less/ Back hurts.tired, only light cramps
cd20 thinner, less white cm, still have a lower back ache, nothing else so far to report. seems the same as last cycle in terms of tired and lower back. Also clear skin so far. BY evening the worst back pain ever in my life!
cd21 bad lower back ache with terrible crampiness. tylenol it was so bad.
cd22- soar bb's. still white cm, not as much but still white.
cd23- nasuea, bloated, icky feeling. cramps. almost the same day as last cycle- with a slightly white cm and soar bb's- not unbearbale. just makes for a crabby day.
cd24- still white cm, still lower back ache, bb ache, cried when left the prek- sheesh. I need to get a grip!
12.25.2011
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Cycle tracking Month 2
Not really calendar watching, cycle watching so a bpf would be slightly miraculous and accidental.
Day 20 (comparable to dpo 5 last cycle)
headache, light cramping, lower back ache, bloated after eating, tired, lots of clear
discharge- way more than normal!
Day 21 -dpo 6 last cycle
yuck- belly feels odd, dizzy, headache, tired but stayed up late. Lunch not agreeing with me- cramps and back ache. (shoot me if it' the flu!)
Day 22 - dpo 7 last cycle
So tired its ridiculous.
slight cramping- not terrible
Day 23 - dpo 8 last cycle cold, very very cold and irritable. Lower back ache, otherwise fine.
Day 24 - dpo 9 last cycle spotting in the early am. Dark brown, and not much.
not really how I would picture impanting- feels more like the beginin of af but have 5 more days. Skin is clear too- not the usually fortelling blemishes staring.
Day 25 - dpo 10 last cycle I am so sick- yuck. Nasuea, headache, dizzy, sinuses running amuck. This better not be the flu or I shake my fist at someone. Any one. Ugh. Help!
Day 26 - dpo 11 last cycle bfn-for to take a cold medicine- still very naseated. hardly any cramping. no af. Sinus issues running wild- headache too.
Day 27 - dpo 12 last cycle af this am-??- said with question as its been very very light, not enough to make it to a pad, only visible when wiping. Very naseous, very bloated, sinus infection not helping at all. Have been exhausted and alseep by 8 every night this week.
Day 28 - dpo 13 last cycle
Day 29 - dpo 14 last cycle (usualy cycle length)
12.7.2011
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It's been something I've rolled around in my head for a long time now- is DS gifted. And if so, what does this mean?
Tonight, at the Sam's club while we waited for our prescription to be filled I took DS over to see the keyboards they have in stock for Christmas. He hammered away for a few minutes. Then he stopped and listened to what the little girl next to us was playing- it was a simply song- but multiple keys and a steady beat. My son turned back to the keyboard in front of us and played the same song. Note for note.
He reads and writes. And draws recognizable things. He is always initiating math games. And science games come to think of it. He told me tonight that when he gets older he is going to fly to California to build buildings. (which kind of made my heart sing to think of it)
I have nothing to really compare to being he is our only child. Babysitting was a long time ago, and most of the kids were handicapped or learning disabled, etc. I don't know if we don't know what to expect from his age- he is 4- or if he's over achieving. His day care and now pre-k teachers are always astounded with what he accomplishes and does. It scares me a little to think that if he is how much more we are going to need to do to keep up with him.
If any of you read this- what do we do with him? I hear tell that the public school system will test him next year? And this should get him into qualified classes to keep his interest.
11.23.2011
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why is it i continually wear my heart on my sleeve? Think I would know better by now.
Grump! Grump! Grump!
Maybe I should just pick better friends instead.
11.18.2011
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I told dh if it wasn't meant to be in July I wasn't trying again for a while. I meant it two days ago when he took a pay cut and both cars were in the shop. I meant it when I previewed Christmas prices at the Target store on Monday and winter coat prices Tuesday. So, why does my heart feel like it fell on the floor then. If I made a decision why cant I move one? Why cant I WANT something tangible or logical or material. Why? It would surely be easier. What's wrong with me that I can't accept what we have and claim it enough and move on. I even dreamt that God's told me its not my time and yet I tell myself every month that I can tempt fate and try, and then the next month try harder to make it work because by God if that Duggar woman can be popping them out at 12 years my senior than I should be just fine. That my horoscope did say that it's okay to kick start your dreams, to poke your finger in your future to get things rolling when I read it just earlier today. If I live my whole like obsessing over this I am failing to live- I know. But I have been waiting for 3 and a half years now with nothing to show for my efforts and my age working as an invisible timeline against me. So- I will undoubtedly cry myself to sleep tonight, and when I wake up it will be like nothing happened because they guys cant know and wont know how much it gets me down to think that my body's failing me. Instead I will go photograph something sombre tomorrow and leave it sit on a digital file until I don't remember even taking it.
11.16.2011
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ttw- day 6- according to what I've read no test will accurately tell me this early. So, for peace of mind I am going to track symptoms. I figure, if for no other reason, this will give me a guide for my monthly pms symptoms/etc. (I saw this on another site and thought I sounded quite brilliant!)
dpo12-tested bfn- crampy feeling started again.
subsequently in a bad mood - bfn. : (
late afternoon - major cramping and in the early evening af showed. Normaly run on 29 day cycle so this is early. Wondering what it means.
dpo 11- gassy and bloated. otherwise fine.
dpo 10- Tested- bfn- so tired it's ridiculous. lower back ache. Sinus, allergies acting up a little. Nothing else to report.
dpo 9 & 8
ache back and knees due to wedding/wrong shoes
Nothing else to report. Strange lack of nothing compared to last week and last month.
dpo 7
noticeable bad attitude
slight cramping- not terrible
tired- again, could be stress
pressure- peeing a lot
dpo 6
* I am peeing all the time.
*tired. from the moment I wake up. tired. I feel it behind my eyes. could also be stress- it's been a wild week
*food aversion- had half of a tune on wheat this am. coffee- my fav. thing on the planet not my friend. I had food aversion round the same time last month too. Curious hun?
*aching, tender breast, same as last month at same time.
*acne, bad skin. Not at the same time as last month- it popped like the day before af- definitely not this early- could also be my coffee drinking as it seems to be a sad side effect.
dpo 5
*More trips to the bathroom than is normal
*crampy- lightly crampy with lower back ache
11.10.2011
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I made these pumpkin spice bars. I love them. They are not loving me back at all. I feel like I am going to --insert a lot of different words--- ugh. Guess that teaches me something about over indulgence.
11.8.2011
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So we had croup. Then a sinus infection. Croup again. Then pink eye. Followed by ear infection. And, currently, another cold is coming on. I give up. Apparently it's going to be one of those winters.
Lysol here we come. If only I could follow us around in the outside world and Lysol that too.
Nothing left to do but keep on keeping on. Just wanted to vent!
11.6.2011
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I feel grounded this go round- it is what it is and it's in the hands of God so- please let my eager/nuttiness subside and come what may!
Round two- let the waiting game begin.
11.4.2011
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was a bust. Good experience with an invitation to a high end farmers market in a city over from us but -in relation to sales a complete bust! LOL! I mommy networked a bit and sounded like no one made sales though so- it is what it is. It certainly was a great day to sit outside and chat with people about things though. Met many transplants from Michigan too- amazing how nobody seems to be left in that state- hm. Loads of great compliments, and incite.
Looks like I wont be a work from home Momma quite that quickly! : )
10.23.2011
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Tww- your killing me. I feel all lowsy- bloated, cramps to kill, boobies that ache, nasuea with food aversion to nearly everything I love (good by blue cheese-my old frind. The mere though of you makes me- ugh! Sorry.) -please either give me af or tell me whats going on.
and then- the emotions.
I cried at work. I cried on the phone when I explained to the vet clinic why I was running late. I cried in the car at a red light. I cried during a commercial last night and the news this morning. Could we at least compromise and agree that if i must act like a lunatic that I will only have these fall all apart moments at home?
10.21.2011
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What's wrong with me- I am so excited about project pink- but at the same time I try to imagine the changes this would bring and I get emotional. Is this normal?? All the what if's playing out in my mind? Soo stupid- (omg, I've just used a forbidden word. Oh, well. The lo cant read.)
Sometimes, I think, it would be great if life were like a novel and I could read the last chapter to see if I want to finish the story. Instead ours seem to parallel thos "make your own adventure" types, where you turn the page only to find out you go back nine pages and repeat a page!
10.4.2011
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In an attempt at conceiving a baby girl (and a humorous journal log of my attempt to get there) I hear by commence Operation Pink campaign! (There's a long, cute story on it's beginging but I dont think neither my spelling nor my typing will allow for me to put it all into words tonight.) So, alas, until another night...
Copied from TTC July 2012 group: I've got half the family and most of our friends on board like my own personal cheering squad!! I've read the chinese gender pridiction chart and its a pink month. I've read the shettles theories, not that I understood much but...still must count for something I would guess.
In short- I am hilariously ready to get this party started and I have decidedly announced that Operation Pink starts TODAY! If nothing else come from my efforts we're going to have a fabulously fun month!
Day One: (CD2) Bottle of wine. Lovely.
Day Two: (CD3) day of silence to let Dh forget-
Day Three: (CD4) day of silence again- in the evening I changed the soap to pink in the shower- He didnt notice.Edit- He did notice and asked where his dial soap went. : )
Day Four: (CD5) Pink Paper plates in the cabinet, and a pink sponge scrubbie in the sink
Day Five: (CD6) Pink toothbrush in the bathroom
Day Six: (CD7)
Day Seven: (CD8)
Pink utensils to come at later date-
Pink fortunes
Pink dessert cupcakes
Pink undies
Pink towels
Pink flowers
Pink stickers
9.25.2011
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Gatta vent but- I best never mind. This use to be my go to vent spot but alas, I dont think it's my safety go-to anymore. My big mouth bragged about how much I loved the site and now I think I ought to keep it to myself just in case anyone listened. GRA!
maybe I'll change me name and grumble away! (lol! That just made me giggle!)
9.23.2011
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omg- how cute! a lady I work with brought her 3 month old in to see us! I think it's official- i have baby fever! Officially obsessing now. Completely.
9.9.2011
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Its with a sad heart that I tell you an 11 year old was killed while walking to school this morning in an unexpected and tragic traffic accident just down the street from my house.
So I repeate the words that I am hearing over and over tonight - Hug your little ones twice and be greatful for the days you have. They're days are gifts, not promises! Celebrate them!
9.7.2011
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Its funny how when you put something into motion so much accidentally happens. I guess I must be ready to tackle this but I just dont know how to. All I know is I need to start putting words to it some where. Here at least there isn't a thousand commenters who'll make jokes and then ask me about it on Monday-
It's time to decided and put in to motion permanent care for my mother. She is schizophrenic. Court has decided that we'll converge on the 31st of Aug for a hearing and if I want her court appointed gaurdeen continued I will need to fight for it. IF I want it canceled I will need to put into place another alternative.
I dont know what that the alternatives are.
7.30.2011
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I feel like everyone I know is pregnant. And I know its not my time but its like it's a great big reminder of where I should be in life but cant be. A new baby would mean hope, and a new begining. Something good in all the madness.
I have to stop thinking! LOL!
7.19.2011
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I've been dying to tell somone this for so many reasons. I would love to hear any feed back- good or bad as I'm already nervouse as hell. (In this I feel like I should add that I haven't told close family or friends as they have a tendancy to over react and would probably be praying for my quick demise or some such silliness before even knowing the facts before us! LOL! It's okay tho- I love them and know how they are.) So anyhow, moment of truth-
One week from today I have a Dr's apt. I have a lump in my left breast. You can visually see it poking out from the skin. Its the size of a small bead. It's been there for a while and its growing so it means I have to get checked out. And, I have no idea what to expect other than I know my OB will send me for a mammogram.
I'm not that old and in pretty good health. I dont feel bad otherwise. I know that this means nothing to my biological make-up. All I know if I am nervous as hell.
7.18.2011
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Such a weird day- This am we attended a close family friend's funeral. It was the saddest funeral I've ever attended hands down. And as I sat there and cried and thought and cried and thought I loooked around at their circle of family. Weird as it sounds this is the thought I had-
I looked around and imagined the funeral for either dh or I a few years down line- and tried to imagine our family in the pews greiving. There are 6 of us in our circle of family. 6, and in this number that includes my MIL at 68 and my son age 3. And I thought -holy hell- whos going to be his support when DH or I can't be? Who's going to be his shoulder, his rock, his friend, when we're gone? We have to have more kids. We have to give him family to support him. We cannot rely on the company of strangers we'll later call his friends to fill this gap. They should add too, of course- but not be his only. I want him to know family too.
Family- the thought rolled around in my head like I've just understood the word for the first time in my life.
And it gave me momentum like I've never felt to right the wrongs we have going against us, to fill this stupid hole we've dug and move forward. All of our own making- so it can be undone. With perserverance and dedication.
I have direction. Now we need action! : ) Wheels are turning!
7.2.2011
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And just like that- blah. life catches up with you and you're racking your brain to figure out some new plan to make ends meet becuase the old one just fell freaking apart in a super not-fixable way. Needless to say a BFP would be catastrophic at this point in life! So with that said, I bow gracefully out and vow to stop joining due date clubs until we are in a better place that will allow for us to move in a different direction- one that isn't so survival of the fittest and has loads more financial wiggle room.
Sniff. Sure am going to miss you girls. Hugs and get stinking busy! I wanna pop in and see lots of new baby posts!!! ~ Jess
6.20.2011
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Learning curve weekend. : ) Went something like this-
I accidentally taught the lo one his first bad word. We ran into someone I wasn't prepared to see and it's rattled me. I lost my center of Mommy-concentration, got emotional and as we spiralled out of control in a slow concentric deconstruct out it came. And LO heard me. And then, he said it too. Dh says- is he saying what I think he's saying? Oh yeah, he is. The best/worst part is LO's really into rhyming words and 30 seconds later he had managed to not only make up at least 10 rhyming words for my slip-up but was also singing a new song using all of them. Including the bad word. (There's nothing left but to laugh right?)
We went to Kmart on Sunday for shoes and socks. LO has outgrown his and they always have Diego shoes there. He picks out a pair and we are in route to socks when I hear the squeal of delight. He comes running over with the craziest pair of blue high heels I have ever seen (Could have been stripper shoes!! Not joking!) LO throws the box at me yelling DO YOU LOVE THEM MOMMA?? I do love them- who wouldn't? : ) I try them on and trot all around the shoes department. Dh laughs so hard he has to sit down. I'm a bit more flip flop or barefoot and country in personality so I am sure this is a real treat! Lo is really upset when I decide they aren't in the budget and put them back.
more later- lunch is almost up! LOL! Jess
6.20.2011
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i have been in tears 3 times today. I think I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Gone are the days were I tried to believe I was untouchable, unshakable and wouldn't let my feelings surface. The only problem is I am a mess! : )
6.14.2011
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Its a new month- wishing I had new things to say! : ) We seem to be in a holding pattern that isnt breaking anytime soon. Instead I'm making up a prayer full of tidings and wishes.
New moon, shine down with your glory dust and make every thing pretty. Send down wishes for those we love and hold dear, prayers to the families who need them and babies for so many lady who've waited way too long!
6.12.2011
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it's been such a tough week here. Just and emotional roller coaster-
Both a co worker and a good family friend were both diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer-both inoperative and chemo to being shortly. I don't know what to say of it, other than it's sudden perspective on what's real and important, and is truly hard for me to explained with words- if I don't stop there I will write a novel.
Wednesday a filly was born to another close family friend- we walked over thinking we were going to go celebrate only to arrive in a mess -both the filly and the momma fighting for their lives. Both have miraculously pulled through.
I had a awful semi-quarter review at work-Apparently the time I took for H's surgery is being held against me thought I asked for it up front as vacation time -pulled from my yearly allotment. I am being watched for delinquency and if I don't improve I will be written up with an action plan. To which I uttered seriously? Your kidding me, right?
I haven't really slept- what with so much running through my brain. Or, I"ve slept so much that nothing really makes sense- I dont know any more...
4.22.2011
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It has been running through my head here lately to thru-hike the AT. I dont know why, and I dont know when I would find the time. But it's calling in a way I have never known. To the point of obsession.
I dont even consider myslef a camper, outdoor kind of person. I get whiney when I am wet. And still it consumes me. Entirely. In every conversation, thought, web search.
What truth do I seek? What knowledge lies on the trail, in the exhaustion and the solitude. I dont know but still it calls me. There is something there for me, and I will know it when I get there and it shines down on me like the sun.
I begin to prep. I have lost my first 18 pounds in prep to get healthier. I have ordered the begining books to figure this out. I have searched for blogs. I am going to see if there is a womens/group to thr hike with. Each photograph I find drives me on. Each smile, each foggy morning brings homesickness. I am fabricating a walking/hiking regime. I am working towards my goal, one step at a time... One day closer to the dream.
3.28.2011
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Hen had his tonsils adnoids and tubes this am. I am exhausted noth pyshically and mentally. I keep praying for a full recovery- but for now I would settle for a good four hour block of peace.
I would also like to tell someone that I passed out in recovery like a big old boob- when i saw the blood drainage on his pillow. What a mess- (headshaking!) Medicine is not my finest moment-
2.8.2011
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I am always touched by the heroic ladies I find on here. You are amazing! While things have touched your life and scarred your hearts in ways unknowable to me you cry and then stand again, fight again, love again, try again. You give me courage to know I can overcome that which is my battle and move forward. Thank you for sharing your stories, your journey's down which ever road it takes you. Women are amazing, and no one tells us that. So I am- You amaze me with every post I read. ~Jess
1.13.2011
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In lue of getting ready for this new adventure I am going to call Project Amelia I have decided to do a few things in self interest.
-I have a goal at my gym now instead of a membership for no apparent reason. I have gone twice this week already and have a third trip planned. I have started drinking more water daily. I intend to cut out caffeine completely but that is a future goal. THe best part is that Dh is on board with my plan after hearing about my meeting. He is willing to come to the next apt and work like a team to get us back to financially healthy!
-i have had an appointment with a finacial adviser yesterday. Scary, yes... But now that I have a realistic look at our finances its a good thing we don't have a little one baking. My finances alone are running -$800 every month. This is mostly due to my student loan payment. Now that I know what's turning us upside down I can start my action plan to get us right side up again.
-i have put a down payment onto Henry's surgery with a date of 1.25. I am scared for him and while I know that he isn't the first child to undergo his surgery I don't have anything to compare this to... My family isn't helpful or supportive in the way one might expect so we're winging it a little bit.
-we chatted last night and DH is excited about adding a little one. Which is reassuring as I didnt really know where he stood.
1.8.2011
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Early this spring I went in for my annual obgyn check up and found I had cysts on one ovary. I am not much of a complainer but the pain was tough, and I was unable to walk standing upright during the worst parts. Treatement was the pill for three months, after which I was advised to let my body reset and get the pills out of my system for another three months. The pills-in all their glory- seemed to work on the cyst. They also gave me lumps in my breast and prolonged sinus infections. In an obsessive way I check the 20 pages of symptoms and side-effects- and these two were in there (along with a whole bunch more other relentless and ugly things.) This brought us to Sept/October before I could ttc-
I'm nearing 35. I know it's going to be harder on myself and the little one the older I get.
continued in a bit
12.29.2010
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One year has passed by so quickly. One year since the call came.. the call that we had waited for for days. The sunlight day filled with tears and anger. The ache and the numbness given reason and body. It's been one year since I had lost the woman who raised me. Opened her heart and her door after the world was torn apart the first time. With love and compasion raised a child into a woman. I miss you, every day.
12.12.2010
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Little one is having issues with constipation. I kind of want to giggle as I say this, but is serious as the day is long, as serious as the toilet is empty. The terrible things is that this lack of poop is tearing us all apart. It hurts to watch, and we've done all that we can without going for him... so we peck at each other like hens- trying to help, to comfort. Begets us nothing but angry faces and silent tongues and a trip to the pediatrician to double check that we've done all that we can.
Dr's apt-no blockage and that the worst has passed, Dr thinks it's a mental fear that makes him hold it as he remembers the pain from actually being constipated. When he can't hold anymore he explodes so it seems worse than it is. He truly feels his body is trying to make a come back and be normal and that in a few more days it will all work it self out.
12.8.2010
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There is a season, a reason though I may not know.... I realize... but it still questions form, thoughs and wonders revolving inside. Will I? Won't I? If so when? It's okay, start again.
11.30.2010
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Hen stood near the front room window looking out. I ran around gathering the day’s odds and ends. Suddenly I hear his patented excited squeal. He follows it with, “I see GOD!” He is pointing out the window with as much excitement as only a three year old can muster at 8 am.
I run to see what’s happening on the front porch. “Where?” I ask looking every where.
“There!” he says and points down low at the table below the livingroom window.
There is a Noah’s ark bird house on the table outside the window. Noah stands on the corner of it with his arms stretched wide directing the animals to climb aboard.
“See? God has an elephant, a giraffe and a bird,” Hen says quite proud.
This kid makes me smile every day, I swear it.
11.24.2010
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I am so bitter today about life. I just keep walking around hating the world for things I don't know how to fix. I know my attitude is ridiculous. I cant help it today. Why can't we figure some of this stuff out... how did two grown people make it to adult age with no concept of how to financially make life work?? I'm really sad about the whole thing... but until we figure this out it's just going to continue to consume us and our resources.
We've decided no more TTC because financially we are not stable enough to do this. I guess it was the best adult decision to have made, but it doesn't feel good to say it out loud. And it feel worse to have it running through my head.
Good luck ladies... best wishes. Fill the world with magic! Kiss the toes and fingers of tomorrows leaders! My time is coming... just not for a while!
11.6.2010
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Hen chatted in the back seat this am as we drove to daycare. On and on he went about this and that. In amongst the chatter I heard the words "Wyatt" and "race cars" and " four dollars." The last is what really caught my attention. I mean, what does my three year old know about money?
So I started listening a little harder and I again heard him say Wyatt and race car and four dollars. Strange words to be coming from my little one. So, I asked him to repeat it. He looked at me and said, "I take the race car for Wyatt Momma. Four dollars." And he waived the little Shelby cobra toy in the air as though that explained it all.
We rolled in silence for another block as this new information soaked in. Finally I had to know. "Hen? Are you going to sell Wyatt that race car?" Because what does my three year old know about commerce? I mean, I just can't comprehend this conversations. Maybe I need more coffee or something.
He looked at me like I had beans for brains and said, "Yes! Four dollars." like this was the most obvious thing and why don't I know about it.
So, what gives daycare? You teaching my kid basic business right after his Spanish and before his computer class? This new savvy, wild business sense is throwing me for a loop! I am going to have to find a way to work this for the good! LOL!
(Hen is in a Child Development resource center/daycare combination. I did sign him up for Spanish and Computer which he does really well at. I am being facetious when I tease them about teaching his business knowledge. He is smart/gifted fellow and I know he has just watched DH and myself... and figured out some things along the way! He never ceases to amaze us!).
11.3.2010
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Hen had a ENT apt this am. His tonsils are so big that they touch in the middle and it's time to address taking them out. He has a hard time eating and chokes more often than not. They said his tonsils are why he is sick so frequently and they are most likely the casue of his inability to sleep restfully.
In addition he doens't hear well out of his left ear. It seems to hold fluid and Hen will have a tube put in. To assess this Hen did hearing tests all morning. Hen was so scared that he hid from the girls. He wouldn't cooperate, wouldn't participate. I kept telling him to be brave, and that as soon as we were done we would go on his school field trip. We made it through somehow! With two stickers even! LOL!
All in all, it wasn't so bad. It all sounded doable. Then they showed me what we owe before and after insurance pays. I am speachless. And I'll back it with I wonder sometimes why we have insurace.
On the way out of the office I stopped in the bathroom- and AF is here! Early! Not even when I would have expected it. I felt the tears start welling up. But, there stood my three year old so I pulled it together and we laughed about how fun the field trip was going to be.
And we missed the field trip. Completely. The kids had already left when we walked into the school. And I felt so bad. Hen stood there looking at me and I didnt even know what to say. I made a last minute decision to call out of work and just spend the day with him doing fun mommy things.
10.28.2010
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There is something so nice about the still in the morning, before the kiddo gets up and the madness begins... the dog running around and the cats mewing for food.
I see life as it is and it's not the anxiety attack that 4 o'clock makes it seem like! It seems so calm and doable and in this split moment I know that what ever life has to bring I am going to be fine. just fine.
A year ago exactly I lost my Grandmother, the woman who raised me. It started on this holiday weekend when she went to ER with pneumonia symptoms. Turned out it was a rare side effect from her chemo. I didn't hesitate to fly home but by the time my plane landed she wasn't expected to come off life support. She did, miraculously, and life treated her to another month and a half but it was really a sad time.
I wish she was here now. To be so happy for me, us. To say that same thing I just said to myself- What ever life brings it will all work out. She would be so excited...
I know, I know she probably is sitting at the pearly gate telling everyone who crosses through what's happening down here.
10.26.2010
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I did it. I tested. Even though I KNOW there is no way to know this early. I'm looking for signs, anything. Even in the clouds! LOL!
Why don't I have more patience? Where was I the day that Patience was given out?
And if not, if I am wrong, then pray tell what wackiness has a hold of my body? Old age perpaps? Senility maybe?
I just want to know. Like yesterday!
10.24.2010
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Hen is upside down. He is also rolling on the carpet, feet akimbo, shoe in hand. He is trying, quite unsuccessfully, to put on his own shoes. He has been at it for three mornings now… And we are no closer to him getting his shoes on his own feet than we are to growing cheese in space. And, no, I shouldn’t help. Not even if it means I am twenty minutes late for work.
So, it’s Wednesday, 20 minutes in to day three of the independent shoeing… Hen is rolling and sobbing, shoes and feet flying. We are getting no where just like the previous two days. And then it hits me…. Or perhaps it’s just my coffee kicking in…. but either way I suddenly come to my senses and make my first executive decision of the day. I will stop on the way to daycare for some Crocs. For Henry. This way, I speculate, he can just step in and go…. Yeah!! How silly of me to not realize this prior. I pat myself on my back. I’m pure genius!! And thus, we set out to shop.
Well, it never goes the way I plan it. It never does… What does happen is something like this: Hen runs around the store barefooted and squeeling and having the fourth best day of his life while I yell mommy things and try to corral him. I try to get him interested in crocs… He is not interested in shoes, not crocs, not anything…. That is until he spies the pink ones. Guess it’s a start and at this point I’ll take it. I’ll take anything!!
So we settle on a size 7 and I find them in bright blue. We check out… Still on time I will add.
Continued....
4.23.2009
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it began a few weeks back when my manager tried to write me up for cash discrepancy on a money til when I wasn't the only one using it. I was also not present when he counted it down. The clincher for me was the fact that it was 18 days after the discrepancy happened that he informed me of it and wrote me up. So I stood my ground and said I disagreed with this policy. I was informed that since I was going to make a big deal about it and question him that he would make it a bigger deal.
And he did. Oh, howdy, did he. I have 4 complaints against me now on file in the HR dept. One of these is made-up. I have a copy of the document and notated on it that it was not true... For what ever peace of mind that gave me. I have been told repeatedly to get it in check or I will get fired. Not that I am fired but just that he has the power to fire me when ever he wants and not to expect unemployment because he can prove I am incompetents.
Now he ignores me at work. He works around me but is nasty about it when he has to actually speak to me. I get my chores written onto sticky note from day to day. We are a small dept. with only 4 of us and the others have noticed a change in his behavior towards me as well. I know this because one has questioned me about it. He is fine with everyone else, laughing and cutting up and fooling around. He has even gone so far as to
assist one of them in trying to land a new job because the place we work for wants to keep their good people happy.
My husband is irritated with both him and I. He feels I am not handling my situation as well as I should be and that my boss is being a jerk. He gets defensive and has actually told me he isn't going to take much more of this before he does something himself so I have stopped telling him... But I am dying inside to complain to someone, to tell anyone.
I feel crazy. I feel like I am being harassed. I feel like I am being made a fool of and I don't know what to do to fix this. I have tried looking for a new job, I have applied to so many of them that I am actually surprised that I am not even being interviewed for something. I have even been doing freelance work to build up an egg of savings but...
4.1.2009
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I feel like a doctor suess book. the mess i'm in, the mess i'm in... I'll spare myself before I go any further. I tell myself it's okay, i stood up for myself but then i worry at what expense did i save myself by battling my grounds......
3.25.2009
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Hen learned a new word. Can you guess what it is? It's "no". And, I know, its been a long time coming and so here it is... And, I have to add that it sound really funny coming out of him...
Yesterday evening went some thing like this. Did Hen want to brush his teeth? No. Did Hen want to take a bath with me? No. Did he want cereal? No. Pajamas? No. Sweets the Lion? No. No. No. No. No. No. You got the general idea here so I'll go no further. LOL! But, I have to add that as this conversation went taking place he was hiding from me behind his toy box. He was squished back there drinking his milk and all I could see was his angry eyes peaking out at me. And, yes, it was pretty darn funny!
Finally, as I realized i was losing this fight I decided to just start going through our nightly routine without him. I said, 'well, Momma is going to say her prayers now." And that is what I did. I sat down, and began the whole 'now I lay me down to sleep' that we do. And for some reason I closed my eyes. I guess I was thinking that even if he didn't want to participate at least he could see me/hear me going through the motions, right? As I get towards the end when we bless the important people in our lives I hear a sqeeka. I open an eye. Just one. Here is my little man sitting beside me. I stop and look at him. He puts down his milk, and folds his hands. And he is sitting there waiting to begin his prayers. You betcha! We did the whole deal again!! And I forgive him for every bit of frustration at that moment becuase he looks liked an angel sitting there!
2.26.2009
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that life takes you were you are suppose to go... that sometimes the big picture isn't visible from the road your on... that if you trust god he will lead you into a better environment.
I ran into an old boyfriend on line. You know, a face book type thing, where photos and a person's lifestyle is open for all to see. And you bet... Nosy Nosy me! I peeked. I flipped through drunk photos, through the music groupie photos, through this is my house photos. I flipped through the my kid photos and the my bud photos. And then I realized that this could have been my future.
And I started to laugh... I tried to see myself sitting on his sofa, unwrapping Christmas along side of these people. I could not see myself stuck in there anywhere... not any where. And I though of my life now, my happy life with my husband and my child and my two cats, in our modest home with our crappy car. And I just knew that all those high school tear that I shed when he left me were for nothing. For nothing..... And I am glad for that today, and for the rest of my life.That old country song... unanswered prayers keeps playing in my head.
2.23.2009
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Hen wanted Ham. (which he saw when I put my lunch together.) Sure, no problem. I hand him a slice.
Hen wanted a banana. (which was meant for my lunch and was in route to my purse.) I said no since he had neither eaten the cereal nor the ham.
Hen went boneless in his highchair. Hen screamed. Hen threw his cereal. Hen threw his ham.
Hen got a time out and a slap on the hand. Hen cried like he has never cried before.
When Hen felt a little better he wondered from time out into his room and spied his monkey bank. He has just learned how the change goes in.
He felt like he should maybe try it out again this am. So, did I have any spare change?? I said no.
Hen went boneless and fell over into a sobbing mess. I guess I should admit here that I rolled my eyes... just a little.
I got Hen dressed while he lay on the floor face down sobbing that his life was ruined. I didn't even know I had the skill... dressing an upside down toddler. But dressed he got. Even socks.
I found Hen's shoes and put one on. It was one of his train shoes... the ones that blink. Then, in a bought of stupidity, I decided his heavy, brown insulated shoes would be a better choice since it is the first coldest day of our lives. And I removed the one train shoe.... the very same one that blinks.
Hen goes boneless again. He grabs the shoe which I have just removed from his foot. Hugging it to his chest he falls out of his bear chair. He looked like liquid as he slides straight out of it and puddles onto the floor. Oh geez... pick my fights right? I decide that it doesn't matter which shoes he wears. He will only be outside for a matter of seconds anyway, and in a vain attempt to right this situation I put the shoe back on his feet while saying nice, mommy soothing things like.. 'it's okay, look, mommy's put it back on'. You get the idea.
Hen sniffs and the tears slow. We are back on track!! : ) HA! So, We head out to the living room to put on our coats and pack our bags. That's when Hen runs straight into the wall, smashes his hand, and begins to wail. Now, I have never seen this many tears come out of any one source. Let alone my boy. So, like any mommy would, I get down on the floor and pick him up. I rock him back and forth in an attempt to sooth my little bean. I sprinkle our "good day dust" on him and kiss his face. And he spies his pink blanket. The soft one that makes bad days go away. And he cuddles up in it. And we seems to be getting better. The sobs are now just 'snuffa' 'snuffa's'.
I gather up our coats. Hen will only put his arm through while holding the pink blanket. Yeah. This isn't going to work. Before I know it he is rolling on the floor, howling in tears, pink blanket wrapped around him, coat half on, coat half off. SIgh. Somehow he ends up in the coat. I dont know how... I won't lie. At this point i dont know if we are even going to make it out the door today! I gather up our stuff and decide my next course of action is to take our stuff out to the car and then come back for Hen, and that is what I do.
I deposit all the lunches, bags, gear, toys and blankets on the front seat of the car. (yeah, think pack mule and you've got the right idea on how much stuff we need to head out.) I head back for the house and as I turn the knob and push on the door I know I have made a tragic mistake. "Whoof." That's the sound I hear. "Whoof." Followed by, yes, you guessed it... wailing. Seems that Hen was stuck up on the house door and I have now thrown him off balance. He is now lying flat on the floor, arms akimbo. I guess he thought I was going without him. To make it worse, I can see his milk bottle is spinning in the middle of the living room floor. Ahh. geez. Mommy of the day award goes to...... drum roll! NOT ME!!!! I squeeze inside, step over his fallen form and gather him up. Poor guy. We agree that this is quite possibly the worse day ever.
2.5.2009
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against all my inner workings i walk to the chevron for a soda. something there has changed since it has been taken over by new owners. really, everything has changed and gone are all of the familiars. the once spacious and clean isles are now pushed togther and overflowing with junk.
12.5.2008
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Thrs am: I am making ham sammies for lunch. I get out the usual parts and set it on the counter. Out comes the bread and I slather on the mustard. I pick up the ham and suddenly two cats are in between my feet yowling. I swear that they can be woken from a death slumber by the sounds of plastic wrap on lunch meat. True to this, there they are carrying on, feigning death, and falling over themselves in a panic to get to the ham. This alerts Henry to the fact that some thing of interest is happening in the kitchen and he comes to join in. He is jumping and squealing in between the cats who are running in circles in between my feet. (Eye roll) My god, guys!! It’s ham. ONLY HAM! $2.99 a pound Kroger variety HAM! Get real!!
I throw a piece to Gertie. I throw a bigger piece to Fly. I nicely hand Henry a piece to eat. And that is when it went kind of surreal on me.
I notice that Hen doesn’t eat his. Instead he winds up a-la-Braves-baseball-style and lobs it across the kitchen. I am amazed and turn to see what he is up to. I think for a moment he must be sharing… we are always working on our sharing. How nice, right? NOPE! He runs over the ham, which is now on my kitchen floor (that’s right, on my kitchen floor) and plops down on his hands and knees. He looks at the two cats and then focuses back on the ham. Then he bends over and eats it. Right off the floor. Like an animal. Or, well, one of the cats, I guess.
Let me tell you that at this moment I am speechless for maybe the third time in my life. I cannot even begin to conjure words. Yeah! BOYS! LOL!
11.14.2008
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i worry today about life. and finances. and job secureity. i know 2 people who've unexpectedly lost their job this past week. yes, 2. i worry endlessly about family and repect and love. mostly though i worry about money and who wants it and how i can make more of it in a short amount of time. i grow bigger in actions and words but never financially.
10.24.2008
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...that there is a space for me and what i do.
...that there is a validity to my vision and if i am true to it it will make me a better person.
...that my vision will evolove into something bigger if i stay true and keep trying.
..that i am good enough.
10.7.2008
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There is a funny parallel running through my Fridays these days. Here is the latest Friday fiasco...
We are celebrating our buddy Rick and my SIL Heather's b-day on Sat. I offer to make the cake for the party. In all honsesty I offered to make cupcakes complete with ice cream cone handles and sprinkles on top. Heather askes if I could just make a round or square cake, something less silly. I roll my eyes and say yes. Secretly I think the cupcakes are the best idea I've ever and am still considering making them and suprising her. Ithad but since it's not my party I give in to the appropriate, more sophisticated cake she has requested. She brings me a box cake mix. I think, "ha ha betty crocker, I've got you beat now!" Really, who can mess up box cake??? So,
10.6.2008
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at the beginning of the month I put away all the credit cards and started to save up for an emergency fund. And, wouldn't you know it, we had an emergency happen and we ended up using the entire 500 I had saved to save our tails. I was selling the things we didn't need on the internet... which worked well but I don't know what else to part with that we don't need. SO-
One of my august goals was to sell my car. We though to part with it for what we owed on it to get out from under that payment in essence to save us money in the end. And we found a buyer and sold it. The very next day we get a phone call saying that it broke down on the way home and they were returning it to us.
I decided that I would start a photography business with a friend to bring in extra income. We needed to invest nothing financially so it seemed like a good idea. We bought our URL and I shot all the photos for the website. One month later we have brought in no money, not even a dime and the website is still non-existent. My partner is no longer interested in this venture and I have no idea what to do next. I certainly don't know how to set up a website... back to the library for me, maybe?
I have applied and interviewed for multiple better paying jobs thinking this would just help all the way around. I have heard nothing back on any of them... I am trying to be patient and keep positive here, truly I am, but I am starting to panic a little bit too.
and to make it worse I send out bills a week ago and forgot to move the money from savings to checking and now the bank is having a nice bonus a-la my stupid mistake. LOL!I laugh because I have nothing else to do at this point, not because it's funny... I don't know what to do to fix this. I am in so far past my eyeballs... and I have had three days off from work this week so that surely didn't help.
I stopped checking in on our thread because I went from thinking I could control my situation to plain frustration and then just got embarrassed! (Small laugh) So here is my confession... AUGUST KICKED MY BUTT!! Maybe September will be better!
8.30.2008
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as i lay worring and considering and replaying sunday nights accident it suddenly came to me...
yes, i did all that i could do, all that was in my power at that moment to save that boy. and it is alright now and i can move on.
i've been dying to type it here, to put it into words so that i can read it and feel if its still the same inside. and it still feels good. so it must be right. and, i move on with something internal righted that was unrested for so many days.
8.21.2008
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-on that phone call.... what it means i dont know. perhaps that i should be still with patience and leave it to god. (grin)
-for that important message to reveal itself from Sunday night's incident. if you think too hard some times you miss it. if you don't think enough you over look it though. sigh.
-for frog and bee to make me a rich girl. which it might, it i got down to business and gave it a go.
8.19.2008
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do you think god would ever give out more than a girl can carry? Some times I wonder... because i know and he knows how much crap i see, have seen, and will see.
last night on the drive home from a friends we encountered a car accident. a young guy was walking down the center of the freeway when he was struck by 2 oncoming vehicles doing 60+ mph. It was a mess... it was a nightmare...
the images just keep playing over and over in my head. I remember thinking I cannot help him, I cannot go to him... I remember thinking that I shouldn't look at his face... I couldn't look at his face... I remember thinking that the other cars were going to hit us next (because no one knew what was going on people were driving pelmel into the medians and off the road edges trying to get around the scene.)
people were screaming for someone to get help and I remember looking up and then a police officer was there.. a man in brown.. like a savior. i have never been so glad to see a cop in my life.
and i remember thinking that i was so glad it wasn't us, wasn't our car that hit him... because i couldn't deal with that. and i felt so terrible for the kids who's car did hit him. and i felt empty but confused, and still i cannot find meaning in this....
8.18.2008
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so today I decide to get a new pair of pants. I wait until 2pm when my co-worker takes over for my lunch, hike it to good will in the sprinkling rain and try on three pair. The first pair I try is a 'made for me baby, yes!' pair of pants. The second is a 'if I lost 5 pounds maybe' and the third is a 'what the devil were you thinking and who made these anyhow?' I take the 'made for me, baby' pants to the counter and hand the lady my bank card. It doesn't read when she gives it the old slide. No, she isn't allowed to manually type it in because it could be stolen. Then begins the eye-roll on my part.... I mean come on. The pants only cost four bucks... is a criminal really going through all that to charge up 4 bucks at a goodwill? Where is common sense gone? I set it aside knowing now is not the time to act the fool and ask if she could hold them while I run to the bank. She says no. After some panicked seconds I begin to promise on the grave of my mother to be right back. She begrudgingly agrees to hold them and I run out the door to the bank. Which is five blocks away and really makes me think the pants might not be worth it... I did like the pin stripping... AHH!! The card magically works at the bank and I begin the rewind. This is when it begins to really let loose. No more light romantic sprinkles... it's full on rain.
Sigh. All for an interview. I know, it's stupid. It's not going to matter to anyone besides myself what pants I am wearing... it's enough to be wearing pants! LOL! But I want to make a good impression and... I don't know. I really don't. My husband laughed his butt off. I might laugh later. But not yet... I just want this more than I want to admit to myself... sigh.
8.12.2008
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after reading over a survey my cousin filled out today i realized that there are more differences between us that i wanted to admit. and it made me a little embarrassed about myself and my expectations of them... which is silly. (I know I should just love and accept but, sometimes I can't and where does that leave me? Six states away and happier for it!) if you knew all the details you might find us an interesting psych study... you might just think us worthy of a made for tv movie. or a trip to dr phil. too trashy for an oprah specia. LOL!
i'm tired of waiting on the x-mas miracle, the moment of climax... i'm ready to come to peace with it all, and have been working towards it all little by little. but, sheesh, what a wake up call today. hmm.
8.8.2008
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i finally have a call about a job... and i am so excited i can hardly breathe. i just need the change. and the change might be coming if i hold on and be patient.
but i want to scream it loud and clear and let the world know I am taking charge of my life one day, thing, event at a time.
8.8.2008
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...the words rushed forth from my grandmother's mouth as if the bragging right was all hers. I roll my eyes, thinking that where I am from that just means he holds down a job and they earn a steady paycheck. That means they aren't on state subsidy, eating from food banks, wearing the neighbors hand-me downs. That means that they might get to take a family vacation when they want instead of when the court ordered visitation rights dictate they should. That means nothing more than the cable and the telephone work all year round cuz they are caught up on bills and they aren't scrambling to turn on the electric before the snow flies.
For a long time though, those words made me surge with jealousy... Money meant happiness. Money meant survival. Money meant freedom, food, clothes, things. Money meant x-mas gifts under the tree that someone bought with intent not because the state thought they should provide in the absence of finances.
But to the lady who is eves-dropping on the other side of the room or the friends over for coffee the comment means different things. And I envision the ideas of envy forming around a situation that doesn't even exist except in my grandmother's mind. And I think this might be a metaphor for such bigger things.
8.6.2008
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i'm flipping through some family photos from back home and i feel as though i am on the verge of remembering something important, some break though... I forge why exactly i ran from there. Internally i know that life best. Can I not find solace there? I know some time soon the circle will come back round.
7.30.2008
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so i sit and wonder what went wrong, what went right, and what to do next. I jumped in feet first and learned a hard lesson. photographing kids isnt the easy peasy thing i thought i was in for. after a lot of brain thumping i still havent figured it out so i try again this weekend with some more, familiar little faces.
I look and look and look... and I over thought it and over felt it and of course came back with nothing.
-SIMPLE! Keep it Simple.
-It's about the eyes, and the eyes really are the tell aren't they.
-Control the lighting. White background, or black background. SImplify... simplify. ANd keep trying!
Hero dilemna: which one is the hero? too might fighting between highlights/contrast/faces vs other pretty thigns.
7.28.2008
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Henry is in LOVE with his new pair of shoes. They aren't anything special. In fact they are a non-brand pair of brown Velcro sandal's sort of like the ones his Dad wears. I tried to take them off in the store and he cried and whined and reached himself silly until I set them next to him. Then he hugged the box until the shoes fell out of it. When I put them on his feet at home he happily crawled and walked around both inside and outside. After a good 20 minutes of shoed exploring I took them off of him thinking he needed a break. Shortly there after I found Henry standing on top of the new pair of shoes in the kitchen staring at them intently. Yes, I must admit it. I did have a good laugh! And then I put them back on his feet! He has pretty much gone shoeless for the past year so I guess it was time!! He is loving it! Lets hope it continues!
7.24.2008
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some times i dont think i am big enough to fit it all in. i think, maybe this is the day i explode and it all pours out of me and all that is left is a little bity balloon fragment of my head. I feel the anxiety in my chest building up. I feel each breathe get tighter and tighter around my lungs. There isn't any where to hide. There is only now and dealing with now and I dont know if this is good enough but I have to try. So I do.
Why can't I have a change of luck or master my own fate enough to bring good fortune around my way. Why does it seem so simple to other people... my life... when it seems so complex to me. I want to see it through their eyes so i know how to fix it, or where exactly we should place the patch on my inner tube. I ask for help, I try to devise a self motivated job, I try to move forward but today nothing seems to work, seems doable or worth doing. I guess its just a bad day. Tomorrow might be entirely better. Who can tell me??? I really might not want to hear, hey?
7.23.2008
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A stranger came up to us while we were at dinner tonight. He said that he could tell just from watching us that Hen was a happy baby. He then went on to tell us he is child psychologist and that it's a breath of fresh air to see a normal, happy child every now and again. He said that from watching Hen he could see how smart and gifted he was and that in another year we would truly be surprised at him. And then he said that we were doing a good job as parents and it showed. And I think I felt tears in my eyes because half of the time I swear I make it up as I go along... and I doubt myself and my choices... and I have no mother figure to guide me as mine is schizophrenic. And I thought that maybe God sent the man to remind me that I am doing alright. And it was the nicest most odd moment of my life, I swear it!
7.16.2008
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i am ready to embark on a new adventure... a busines of my own partnered with a co-worker. We have talked it over and while we both understand that there are risks, that therre is no certain outcome we have moved ahead, and begun details....
and somehow it feels right and every thign is falling together.
7.16.2008
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along with making the decision to fix our finances we have also begun to declutter our life a little. So we cleaned out the garage and.... made some cash. We banked a mad 500 for the barn find yellow vw that didn't run. And we are running a bunch of ads on craigslist as well. So, slowly and one by one we are making a dent.
Step 2 is to not eat out. This one is going to take some concious effort. And some mental training. LOL! I can do it though.
My rant:
I solomly swear to pinch pennies!!
7.14.2008
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i have decided it's best to give up my car and take on an older, payment free option that is sitting in my driveway. With a little TLC she will be as good as the one I currently drive with out the cool look. I feel a little sad about it but this action alone frees up 200 a month. Which will releive stress quite a bit. Now it's not a complete fix but it's a hell of a good start towards a better conclusion. Sigh. Why does being an adult some times feel so heavy?
7.11.2008
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seperation anxiety! LOL! It breaks my heart to just keep walking out the door. I cannot wait for this one to go away!
On a better note- little man's birthday is in 2 weeks! AHAHAH!
7.10.2008
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so i sit here wondering what to do for a gift for an expecting mother who is a friend of ours. She has bought everything she needs, and her registry is either over priced or uninteresting to me... An that is when ithits me. Just give a gift card. So what if it is a little impersonal. Get over it. She won't mind shopping herself.. She might actually like shopping unlike yours truly! LOL! I have given up on being the creative gift giver. The only thing that does is stress myself out and then make the gift getter return or through out a bunch of crap.
7.8.2008
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What is it? Is it my leo pride? What?? Please god, make me stop it. I am tired of myself...
Here is what happened.
We were given a tv. this weekend. My Sil was given a new, better, bigger, flat screen thing so she passed on her old one to us. Which was bigger, better and flatter than our old one. And I know I should be greatful, and I am to some degree... but i also think to myself I should be able to just afford my own. I am tired of hand me downs... and I know I should just be thankful that this is one thing I won't have to purchase in the near future. But I worry... and wonder when my new job is coming and if i will ever be self sustaining.
7.7.2008
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I stopped reading my mommy posts so i dont feel so jealous of every one else.
and I stopped dwelling on my unemployment. i am trying and someone some where wants me, god will help me when its the right time and place.
and I didn't clean up the kitchen. i left it and dh did it!
I changed up my cd's. not perfect but definitley getting better.
I wore some thing different today and i like it. Fresh. Recycled.
I are ice cream for the 3rd day in a row... and a salad for the second. Hmm.
I am still plugging forward on the photos.
6.26.2008
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i have sat and thought my brians out and i still have no clue.. but i am crabby and so tired of being this way. This isn't who I am, this isn't what I am about. The only time i am happy is when i am playing with lo. Am I going through depression?? or? Maybe if I make a list of what I am tired of it will appease some thing some how. And make me laugh
i'm tired of congradulating new expecting moms when i cannot join in in the fun. and i really do want to join in....
i'm tired of not getting hired where i want to work.
i'm tired of self doubt and being broke and feeding the fish.
i'm tired of not being heard, of caring too much, of not having me time.
i am tired rewearing of last summer's clothes and the lack of air conditioning. i am tired of the music i listen to in my car but cannot find anything else to change it to...so i stick with it.
i'm tired of cleaning my kitchen and doing dishes and worrying about if its clean enough when my answer is obvious... isnt the lawn spread all over on the kitchen floor? Thanks dh!
I'm still tired of it but, maybe this will help... ; )
6.25.2008
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scream or cry or go crazy.
I try, but as of recent it becomes more and more rarely that I do so willingly... When I do I figure it must be the right time, that it must be the will of the gods, and that surely it will work out because why else would I head down the path again. So I put my heart behind it, in it, etc. Hopeful, and wishful at the same time.
And like every thing else lately it falls flat. 40 on mattes that I have to fix when I get home, frames to buy, film to process only to find spots that need more fixing. Sigh. This is what I hated about it the other times too. Why then do I keep coming full circle?? Is it worth it? What about my stress levels? What about the finances? What about... what about... what about...
6.25.2008
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thought i would say hey to myself and earn an extra 5 points today. no rants, no raves, nothing. thank god. LOL. Almost makes a girl feel normal. Now if the ac would just work.
6.10.2008
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i call... just why i cannot explain but i do it anyhow. the phone rings. she answers in what sounds to be a chipper mood. so far so good. we get to talking and i explain to her that i have sent out school photos of my boy and that because they were a little pricey and i did not get very many for what i spent that she isn't getting but a couple. she immediately launches into some spiel about if i now understood the argument over graduation pictures. i stare blankly into the distance. i have no idea what she is talking about. hesitantly i ask. she says when i was graduating i wanted one photo and she wanted another but it cost too much to get both. so she sacrificed something or another and let me get the ones i wanted. the ones with that stupid hat on my head. but she really liked the other one.
let me just say now that i graduated almost 15 years ago. i don't have any recollection of this memory that she so willing kept at the fore front of her mind, shined and gleaming, ready to be whipped out at the most opportune time.
My question is this. WHY? What does she accomplish from this? She is always armed and dangerous, ready to spring out some weird in my face comment. Here is another example: I called for advice on my lo's gassy belly and she instead tells me that i was always gassy as an infant and now i know what they went through. AHH??? what??? How does that help?
She is like an elephant I swear. She forgets nothing, not even the most insignificant of details. If one listened to her they would almost believe I was an atrocious monster. Maybe i was... I don't recall..
6.7.2008
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grits, corn bread, bisquick.. so what do they all have in common? They kick my butt in the kitchen every chance they get. I try. I really do. And every time I make one of them they magically turn into the worse thing I have ever eaten in my life! LOL! Not joking. I try to say it's my northern redneck yankee coming out.... that these things are unnatural or don't exist in the north...(which I should add is not true at all). I tried to say a lot of things but what it really comes down to is
I am just a terrible cook!
6.4.2008
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I work in on the corner of mlk and bgt. We have 10 foot glass windows... and being that I am here 40 plus hours a week I see so much.
Today I am watching drug dogs work over a couple of cars. Yesterday, a man in his early 20's was arrested out front. I watched him yelling into his phone and waving into the air shortly before being handcuffed and led away.
A few months back a mother and her kid were hit by a vehicle. Both were okay after a few nights in the hospital.
Car accidents galore collect out there, and shots have been fired many times.
The back of our building butts against the projects. A homeless shelter is around the bend. At 4 o'clock I see the people dressed for the evening shift at work filing down the road, aiming to catch the bus because they can't afford a car. I am panhandled almost daily by the mentally diseased and the drugged filled homeless that reside in the shelter.
And, here I sit, buffered by the glass of an institution that charged 20 grand a year for admittance. ANd I watch the students who attend here watch the life that most of them will never understand as it carry's on around them... And some times I wonder how I got stuck in this middle ground seeing where I was, where I have been, and wondering where I am going next.
5.23.2008
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so I accidentally dumped Italian dressing in my purse. Really.. I heard a pop and then, when I tried to find my keys for work I felt it all over. What a mess. Topped only by the cottage cheese last week. But that some how cleaned up easier. Go figure.
5.21.2008
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Its bitter sweet. I didnt think I wanted any more. I like our grusome three-some. It's perfect now. But now, if I am not I will be heartbroken too. How did that happen? When did I start pledging silently to Hen that he will always be my number one big boy and to the belly (that may or may not even be) that i will love it just as much as if we had planned her. AND what is that about? I have decided its a her... ????? Sheesh. Its a pickle.
5.21.2008
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lets just bypass all the bologna in the middle, the haha's and what-nots cuz as the perfect end to the worst day ever... guess who now might be pregnant. again. I just want to cry over it, but if it is it is. I can think a hundred thoughs, hate it or love it, either way my hormones are done for the day an it's only 11am. I could barely sleep... now i am dwelling... and my husband says not to cuz there is no chance of it.
5.16.2008
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It really started last night when Fly, the cat, loved up my new flowering plant. yes, that would be the one I was suppose to put in the ground but haven't gotten around to yet. (on a side note: His fur is stained a funny yellow color)
So- this am, in an attempt to save the last of the plant I moved it outside. Instead I stained my new white shirt yellow from it's pollen. So, in the house I go with the intention of changing quickly. Only I have nothing that is clean,(or if it is clean it is wrinkled) and decide to go with a mix of clean, unwrinkled but non-matching items. LO and I are out the door lickety split and to my surprise I find that I am early when I reach work. Nice, as I have a few things to do. I can get an early start.
SO- I pull around back only to find parking is in a fiasco. Cars are double and triple parked all over and a tow-truck is on order to yank out the misparked vehicle that began the whole thing. I decide that I will just find parking somewhere else... and off I go. I locate a meter...and begin the never ending search in my gigantic bag for any loose change. No go. Nothing. I furiously yank out a few items and reach in again. Nothing. OUt comes my lunch, my book, my what ever that is, and I reach in again. I am up to my armpits for pete-sake. I finally locate the 2 quarter I threw in this am. all that for 2 stinking quarters. Whatever... I shove them in the meter and head to work.
5.15.2008
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so... i have lost a bit over 10 pounds in the last month. it started when my pants got to tight. it wasnt in the budget to clothes shop and i knew i had to do something. so i started eating better and low and behold... ten pounds. completely gone. i feel better, healthier, etc. but now my pants are too loose. lol. can't win this war. but, that is okay.
5.9.2008
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I read over the other posts and it seems like everyone is so excited to be pregnant again. And yet, if I never have another child I know it will be fine. Not me, I feel it in my bones. Not now, for sure. Maybe in a few years but.... who can tell.
5.8.2008
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guess it's time to report in. g-ma does have lung cancer. it is aggressive. it is in her lymph nodes. they are only able to treat the symptoms from here on out as she can not tolerate chemo or surgery.
I have known this for some time but I couldn't make myself say it out loud or type it in here. I feel it inside, but I cannot figure out what to think or do about it all.
she says to me 'listen now. make sure they take this, because they won't take them. I have these little ceramic dogs, they were a gift from Lori and Kenny a long time ago and they won't take them. Make sure now, that when I am gone, that they take them."
And I want to say that I am listening. That in the past few weeks I have listened harder than I have ever listened in my life. I listen to the inflection in her voice as she speaks as if to memorize it completely. I listen to the mechanic buzz on the line. I listen like there is no tomorrow because, in our reality, there may not be one.
5.1.2008
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Last night I got him all stripped down to his nothings and held his hands and he walked down the hall and into the bathroom by himself with me as support. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. He is so proud of himself. He lifts each leg so high and concentrates so hard. I had the biggest proud Mommy moment watching him and helping him along. It brought tears to my eyes!
4.29.2008
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So, a cousin is having a baby shower thrown in her honor. Cute, yes. But, it is baby #4. That's right, #4. They are not so distant in age as to warrant needing new things... So... What to do?
I look up her registry and find not the new parent necessities but frugality's. Matching wicker baskets for her shelf for example. And decorations and hoo-jas. Not the real hard core baby items I expected to find. I start to think back and realize that they live in a house 3x ours with a mortgage double what we pay. Their children are already better dressed than my infant. Weren't they the smartly dressed children in matching polo's and shorts at the last family function? And that we were in the second hand store outfit on my little the shoeless wonder.
SO-the question is this. What do I have to send that they could possibly need? Or want?? I cannot afford the trivial cuteness offered on her wish list. I can barely keep my own in clothes at the moment. (In fact he just received his first pair of shoes this week. Momma finally had the dinero so we splurged.) Is it better to not send anything? Will this hurt feelings? Or, can I send some used items that we have outgrown in the hopes she can use them? I don't know... but I feel like there is a message in there that I am over looking.
Like the drummer boy who plays his song for the new born king. He has something to give even when he doesn't think he does. So what is it... Think girl, think
4.25.2008
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so Lo had a snack attack at midnight, at 2am and again at 4:30 am. Needless to say I was tired, grouchy and insisted the final feeding be on dad. It went mostly well, with Lo tucked back in bed around 5 in a fresh diaper and jammies and a full belly. Two minutes later we hear the infamous rolling and grunting. Lo is not asleep.
I dont know how or why this goes on but it does. Lo is snoring, sound asleep and dreaming. You lay him in his crib and like magic all sleep is erased and his is wild and awake. You pick hime up and his is snoring before he hits your shoulder. It repeates abou three times before he is finally content. I sometimes laugh to myself thinking he must just need a nother snuggle or something. But not last night. Momma was tired.
So we finally decide to just go and get the sleepless wonder that is our child and tuck him in between us to see if that will solve our dilemna. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I prayed to God that tonight it would. Well, in he comes clad in the cutest jammies on the planet and looking around like he is full on 100% awake. I sigh and realize that I am most likely going to be the up parent as LO plays it out. But in bed he gets and the rolling begins. Around and around, over and over and over. Then, suddenly Lo tucks his arm around my neck and snuggles in. I can smell his little hair. He is so warm. And he goes right to sleep. It was amazing. And that is when I melted (I usually do though! LOL!) and forgave him every sleepless night ever. Guess I am a pushover for cute...
4.16.2008
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the big decision comes tomorrow. My grandma's cancer screening comes back. We know it's present so this is really just to tell us how far along and how bad it is. Sigh. It's hard to wait when a life hangs in the balance.
Not much to say without being a mess. SO I leave it like this with more to come.
3.31.2008
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two down, two to go and the sleepless nights continue.
3.27.2008
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one down. Three on their way. Makes for a couple of very long nights. Sigh. But, it sure makes for a cute smile.
3.20.2008
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I am playing that old waiting game again. You know, the one where the doctors are taking their sweet time making an assessment on your loved one while you are tearing your hair out in handfuls. You want answers, you want truths, and most importantly you want hope. Simple, basic hope that tomorrow isn't the day the wind falls from the sails and your boat stops. Because God knows where it's going to leave you.
I walked around town today under the guise of photographing. I was mostly thinking instead and reminiscing instead though.
That bench is where we talked every day at lunch time during my pregnancy. I would call so you wouldn't have the long distance charge. You were happy for me... so happy. You couldn't wait for me to share in that legacy known simply as motherhood. You knew I would do well, and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But all in all I know you are proud and that I am doing my best.
That store front there is where your birthday gift came from. The conversation about which t-shirt you wanted made me roll me eyes about a thousand times. As you dictated colors and patters over the phone from 1600 miles away I ate half of your birthday taffy. But I didn't tell you that. You still loved finding the remaining surprise taffy in the box!
There is a hole in my heart as I wait. Don't doctors know that waiting causes that hole to fill up with dread and despair and questions like 'have you really lived a full life?' and 'are you really ready to die?' Why can't they see we need to know sooner than this waiting game allows for?
3.19.2008
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My child is afraid of helium balloons. I know, I know... I have just declared the most bizarre statement ever. How can that familiar, bouncing, round ball of fun be the cause of such terror. I don't claim to know the answer to this, but the fact remains that our grocery is littered with these terrible objects and the once simple act of picking up those two small forgotten items has now turned itself into an obstacle course.
Go left to avoid the four foot floating Easter bunny. Now right to avoid the mass of silver birthday princess balloons. Then it's straight for two feet with a sharp veer to the left again. We must after all, avoid that floating lucky pot of gold meant to hang over the saint patty's day table. Sigh. I have now circumvented the apples three and one half times with my child in tow and I still haven't one apple in my cart! Maybe I could just live without apples this month. Hmm. I never did like them anyhow. Thank little man, you just saved Dad's wallet at least two bucks!
3.13.2008
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sometiems... just when i think i have it figured out I realized that i dont. some little thing reminds me that i am no where nearer than I ever was.like that mountain in the distance, always in the horizon and never any nearer. still, i keep trying though. my tragic fate? yes, perhaps, but true. so what is new? what is closer? what if anything is doable? i dont know. But I TRY. And I love, and I laugh, and I am living and breathing. And if I cry while watching reruns on Sunday afternoon while my LO sleeps so what. Isn't that proof that I am someone? If my favorite story use to be the chapter in Jesus's Son about the bunnies who are accidentally killed while trying to keep them alive what does that say about me? That I carry guilt around on a flag pole, like a martyr?
Its been a long day and the introspect pours in. I am about to change the course of my life and my happiness could follow. With a descision made two days ago (or was it made so long ago that I cannot remember??) I am perhaps a ghost of the girl I use to be, or maybe its the opposite- that I am more solid now in my new state.
3.11.2008
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Henry went to the doctor on Wed. He had 4 shots and all that jazz that we should have had done at his 6 month apt. He did so great with it all that I thought a nice gift was in order and I took him to the toy store. We found toy hammer that makes sounds when you smack it on things for like 7 bucks. It was super cute, and he had a good time hammering things. SO... home it came. He had a great time with it. In fact he was so cute hammering away that I let him hammer in the car this am on the way to daycare. He smacked something and it let out the loudest BOING-CRASH-MEOW and scared the crap out of me. I almost ran the car off the road! So, guess who cannot hammer in the car anymore!
3.11.2008
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So this past weekend my sil was to pick up Lo and keep him for the day. I had a photo shoot to attend and DH wanted some time for himself. And after a convoluted lie she ended up not getting LO. And I did some serious thinking. And I think I have something figured out. I think that she has an expectation of what life should be, should entail. And when she doesn't meet her expectations she freeze up and takes it out on everyone around her. And, sadly I don't know if she actually takes into account what she wants in life or if she just assumes she wants what everyone else projects as good, normal, etc. And I feel bad for her. And I do realize that in two weeks when I am raving mad I am going to have to remember this when I react.
3.4.2008
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as i say the words I hear the wind going out of the flag. -ssssssssssssssssssssss- Then I feel the inevitable weight, the I have let him down sag creeping across my shoulders and into my back. A headache begins behind my eyes. Why, what is wrong with me.... my people pleasing self cannot stand to take a stand. sigh. I am not good at keeping this balance of happy, family life with it's side of light husbandry. I know it, and so does he. so do I give in? Or hold out? sigh. a thousand reasons for both.... a thousand reasons unspoken. cryptic? Metaphoric? Whatever... I still need to decided. and stand by what ever it is I decide.
god has a funny way of interviening doesn't he. So after a long talk we decided to just go to the sources and ask what the problem was last time... was Lo the source of their arguement? Or?? Happy to not make a judgement until the conversation was had we went to bed only to wake up with a phone call revoking the overnight invitation! So, no we didnt get time for us but neither did we send Lo into a fueled situation. And I did have a good talk with DH.
2.15.2008
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1.repaper the shelves in the kitchen pantry.
2.buy a gas powered hedge clipper-or- find a battery for the one we already own but cannot use.
3. if I am allowed a bit of the dinero for my own personal use I would like to redo the potted plants on the porch. I think about $50 would do it.
that's it. My big list. hmm.
2.15.2008
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Usually Saturday is guy day and I take care of LO while DH and pals bumble around in the garage doing what ever guys do. So today, because I had to be at work Dad took our LO out into the garage with him and the guys. (I encouraged it actually!) So DH set up his excer-saucer and let him play while the adults checked out an engine. He called me a few minutes ago to tell me that not only did Henry (our LO) have a great time but that the excer-saucer came in handy too. When I asked what he meant he said that one of the toys on the exer-saucer is a mirror on a stick. I know the toy, LO chews on it all the time. I asked for more details. Apparently Dad removed the toy and used it to look down into the engine and into an area he couldn't see. Apparently this helped the guys fixed the problem they were having and now they are all celebrating!
I can see my future now! Henry and Dad all greasy working together out in the garage! Oh, boy...what have I done?? LOL!
2.13.2008
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so i have been thinking about the circle of financial wisdom that lacks in my family. i live credit to credit, paycheck to paycheck right now. so did my grandfather, the man who raised me. there was never a conversation about finances, then or futuristic. there was never a mention of anything until times were hard and we were eating from donation centers and then it was complaints, not cures. days before he died i found myself responsible for his finances and only then did his trouble surface: bankruptcy. loosing the house. gambling for hope. all this and more. we muddled through and my grandmother to this day double counts her checkbook at the end of the month. boy, do i wish it were different. all of it. I wish there had been many conversations about how to, when to, why to. But there wasn't. I wonder how much of it is a circle... you cannot teach what you don't know. How much of the world rotates on this access?
2.13.2008
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Henry has really been interested in our cat lately. SO today I decided that they should meet. I mean, isn't it about time? They have occupied the same house for over 6 months now! LOL! I started by rubbing Henry's feet on Gertie's fur. Gertie didn't seem to mind. So I moved closer. I let Henry reach out for Gertie. He again, doesn't seem to mind. So I let them get a little closer. That's when Henry grabbed Gertie's tail. I swear the cat has never moved so fast in his whole life! He swung around and knocked Henry's hand right off of him! And Henry laughed his little butt off! I think I am in for trouble!!
2.8.2008
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thought I would say hey and say its been a long week, will write mroe
2.7.2008
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I keep joking that i am going to be the first deadbeat employee in our office but inside my head it doenst sound so bad... What the heck is wrong with me. Why the lethargy, the uncaring. I cannot get a move on a new job and instead I am acting the fool, being crabby, and carring on like a nut. I am being judgemental, and ass, and furthermore just plain foul. I am tired of being broke. Tired of being a lot of things. THe only thing I know that I like is Henry and Charles...AHHHH!
1.30.2008
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my hubby just called... he wondered if i had dressed the baby in pants today because he was only wearing a onsie when he picked him up from daycare. Oh, yeah, LOL! Its like the 12th most coldest day in january. You can bet money that he wore pants. Now the question is.... where are they???
1.30.2008
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By the grace of god in heaven my lo slept almost all night long last night. And in the wake of the new found silence had a conversation with my husband. And I remembered how very much I like to talk to him.
I realized:
how very much both of us have changed in the past 6 months.
how much I miss who I am when I am with him.
that I lost myself some where along our traves... but then, so did he I think. And he lost me too, which makes him sad.
how we hard we are scrambling to be us in the wake of the constant new. the dream that was us is always in flux now.
how much has been ignored in the past 6 months.. not justly either, but ignorantly ignored. By myself. Sigh.
how much i like to make him laugh.
how much I love him.
how hard I am going to try and amend us, fix us, hang on to us. And wrap up the new into us. before its undoable!
1.24.2008
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Tues. 1:32. Phone rings. It's daycare. In the bottom of my heart I hope they are calling to tell me what a joy my son is and how he is having the best day of his life. She isn't, of course. Instead she describes a terrible, fussy, complaining baby unlike the one I know and love. I sigh and ask if he can stay until close. He can. We apologize and agree to try again on Wed.
Wed. 8:30 am. Little one goes to day care and has the time of his life. In fact he has so much fun on this day that he refuses to nap because he might miss out on something such as another baby crying, eating, or playing, or perhpas a parent might come in, or another worker might say something of interest or humor. Need I say that he is a mess when we get him home. He screams and cries. He throws himself all over the place. He will not be satiated in any form. One look into his little red eyes and you can read the whole story. Sigh. Hmm.
So Thrs. I take him to daycare. Usually the baby's have their own beds complete with bedding, toys, mobile, etc. On this unusual morning his crib is empty. No toys, no mobile, no sheets. His name tag is gone. I stare at the empty crib for a little longer and then ask hesistantly, "exactly how bad was he yesterday?" The lady (Mrs. Linda)laughes and says not so bad, but they have moved him down two cribs. I begin to laugh! Thank God! I thought I was going to have to do some explaining to dad! LOL! Well, need I say we are going to have our hands full?
1.24.2008
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I dont think I am made to be a mom. I mean, I love the great days that we have. I just cannot handle the bad ones. And we have so many. And I know they go hand in hand... So what exactly am I suppose to learn from this?? Strength? Perhaps perserveriance? What?? I just want to cry mostly. I feel like his being sick over rides the best things... the things we should be enjoying. Instead I am cleaning poop off the wall, the bed, myself and wondering when did I sign up for all of this mommying hell. I know this is reading like a self pity party and I dont care today. I need to get it out... all of it. I am so frustrated. I feel like I need help but I dont know who to ask for it from... Then I feel like I need to put on a good face for Charles so he doesnt know how crazy I feel (though I know he is feeling the same way right now) and try to grit my teeth and walk forward into great days. AHHHHHHHHH!!!
1.16.2008
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In the past day I have learned of 2 new domestic issues close to home. Add in the almost violent agruement of my s&bil and that makes 3. In the news a stories about 4 children killed after an arguement between their parents gets air. Its scary how it all comes around, goes around. And all I can think to myself, as I lay my calm hand on the beautiful head of my sleeping child, is that by the grace of God I will not allow him to know this kind of violence. I will do everything in my power to keep him nieve in these regards. I have lived through it, many I know have as well. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it easier. And he will not be one of us who have to work through the darkness to learn from it. That is my gift to him. It may not come wrapped in paper, may not have buttons and bells. It may not be the newest, the latest, the greatest... but it's his and I hope someday he realizes how lucky he is for it.
1.11.2008
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My little sister had her baby last tues (the 8th...aka elvis's birthday). Little man was born Devon Thomas Sanders. Weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces and 21 inches long. He was bigger than my Henry. He already has full round cheeks and a cute little face. I wish him well as he grows up! He is a little angel!
1.11.2008
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Thursday: I make a salad for my lunch on Friday. YUM! I am very excited! i ALSO PACK SOME DRESSING.
Friday: I put the salad in the fridge at work with plans to eat it for lunch. I get ridiculously sick and instead go to the doctors. I forget about the salad, go to the pharmacy and return home to nurse my terrible whatever I have.
Sunday: While grocery shopping I notice the lettuce in the bin and begin to think. I vaguely remember a salad... Was there a salad??? Where would I have put it anyhow??? Hmm??
Monday: I return to work and there it sits. Slimy and still in the fridge. After six or seven comments by various customers I take the tupperware out of the fridge and place it inside my giganta-purse. OUt of sight out of mind works in more situation than just my little one! LOL!
Tuesday: In the attempts to pack my Tuesday items into my purse I find the salad. EWW! Yuck! I am in a hurry so I toss it on the kitchen counter. Three hours later my phone rings. Did I leave my lunch at home by accident? My hubby has lovingly put the salad into the fridge so I can eat it when I get home!!
LOL! FOR GOD'S SAKE! DONT EAT THE SALAD!!
1.8.2008
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I call in the hopes of condolence, or advice, some verification that life is hard but it gets better. Perhaps just a sensitive ear. She is the only one I know to call. And every phone call ends up so badly.
Diarrehea and its surrounding hazards:
"Now you know how everyone else felt when you were little."
Cholic before formula change:
"Now you're really finding out what living is."
Hoping for some relief or an evening out:
"I never had any help, why should you?"
I don't ask for her liver, a country, or money. I don't want anything but a bit of time and a 'chin up girl. you're heading in the right direction.' Or perhaps a 'You're doing so great as a momma! I'm proud of you!' What do I hear instead?? How dispicable I was as a teenager and how I didn't repect anything. Oh, come on. Did anyone?? Not to shrug the blame I did do some awful things.... but I am a long way off from being a teen and I have changed my life considerable since then. Let's say I've paid my dues. And then some.
Sigh.
I am proud of you! I am so proud of you! Heads up, girl! I know it's a long way off... But you can make it and the rewards are so worth it! You dont need someone else's validation. You have your own. Heads up!! Plug away!! Its going to be a great year!!
1.1.2008
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Well the x-mas miracle didn't come. Or, perhaps it did but I was looking for something more on a personal level and missed it.
In lue of maybe it came without me noticing:
I spent three lovely days and two nights in the care of Memorial Hospital with my child and husband. We did not get to enjoy our holiday nor our vacation hours in which we desperately hoped to do so much. We did not get to show off the baby as we had planned. We did not even get to converse alone in the evening as we usually try to do. Instead we shared scrambled eggs made from a powder mix and prayed that Henry was going to be alright. Or better in even the smallest way. I cursed under my breathe for every bad choice I made(daycare becuase I need to work, dinner out one evening becuase I was stir crazy, waiting one more day to call the doctor in the hope he was improving and I was over reacting, etc)and hated every notion of a classic, home holiday in which everyone smiles and has a good time. I have never had one of these... In fact I wouldn't know it existed if not for shows on television with their idealistic happy endings. But Henry is better, some what anyhow. And he smiled and laughed all day yesterday. And though he screamed when I wiped his tush (thank you medicines causing diarrehea) we managed to usher in most of a good day. So maybe that miracle came, in spite of my inner desire to have it be about me. And instead of being worn out, angry, and aflicted that I go back to work tomorrow I try to tell myself to chipper up and smile. He is going to make it! And that is more important than anything else.
1.1.2008
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at 8:30 in the morning.
on a saturday.
three days before x-mas.
We are all sick with a cold. And we are crabby. and tired. and finally some of us are getting sleep. (Not me apparently since I am typing away in the office!) I have embarked upon an art project of sorts. It will most likely really take off after the holidays. I'm working out the kinks right now. And, I need a job. Seriously. A real job paying real money instead of the crap I am doing now wich only angers me every day. And one that could maybe alleviate our daycare costs. How is it all going to work out? Our life? I need a christmas miracle I guess to solve all my dilemnas. Or, if I got onto a game show maybe I could win a lot of money instead... It would be quick and easy source of income. I would just stand there on Wheel of Fortune ( probably not jeopardy since I cannot answer anything on round two)and say, Pat, I'ld like a N. Pat, I would like to solve. Then I would act suprized when I won the trip to Brazil becuase it was a suprise puzzle. Stupid hun? That's why I am tellin myself instead of my husbad. Becuase he would laugh. Not in a bad way... just that he would laugh. Or get tears in his eyes becuase he knows how sad our situation is right now. And its a stupid sort of desperation that fuels my dreams these days. I mean, it's not like we are starving or anything... we have a roof and clean clothes and the baby gets fed. It's just not luxury living either to not know where the electric bill money is coming from. Sometimes I wonder if I were black if people would help more. If I would qualify for Wic easier, or some undisclosed program that i dont know about. I see the ladies at work who qualify. I sit next to them on the bus as we troll across town and they talk about how the state gives this, the state gives that. Sigh. I know it isn't right but still I wonder. My sister works, in fact makes more than i do and she gets every free public service out there. But she is a single mom so she is one up on me. Isn't that a funny way to think... together but broke while she is apart and broke but with help. well, maybe this should be enough of a pity entry. It is after all only a few days until x-mas. A credit card x-mas but still it's here. If there was a santa do you think he would hire me? I can organize the elves, bake cookies and write letters! Its an option I suppose!
12.22.2007
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I like to pretend that I alone have the most beautiful baby in the world. You know, the smartest, the happiest, the healthiest, the best in everything! LOL! I know, I know. Where has my modesty gone? Some might say "well, that's a new mom for you." Others might say "no, wait that's my baby!" LOL! I guess it's not hurting anything. So I will continue to have my daydreams. Sheepish grin!
12.20.2007
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amednment 1
So last monday night my MIL's dog was put down. Seems appropriate to log in the results of the weirdness in the air... a personal confirmation I suppose.
amednment 2
my sister's father in law had a heart attack the day before x-mas. Sigh. Wowie!
amednment 3
my cousin sent a bomb threat to his local high school. You never quite think you're going to be related to someone who does this stuff... shake of the head
amendment 4
the car keeps breaking down... twice now. sigh
amendment 5
the kids i secret santa have scabbies. Yesh. Glad its not me. (Does anyone else ever feel embarressed about their family?)
12.11.2007
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It's an odd saying and perhaps not all that holiday spirited but it seems to me that something wicked this way is coming. It's in the air, or perhaps just in my bones. Or it may jsut be logic telling me that all of the weirdness is leading to something. There can only be so many birds on a wire before something snaps. I skate now with caution and look to the skies for snow.
11.28.2007
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So I have realized that dad's invitation to go to the book store usually means Henry is going to score a new toy! LOL! How can I tell him no when his little face lights up, and his hands are a waving. Last Tuesday we bought this little panda doll from Lamaze. Henry just tears it up when he plays with it. He snorts and laughs and chews its ears. I get a kick out of seeing him do it I must admit. The simple pleasures he enjoys are so much nicer than most everything I know.
I have learned a valueable lesson in the past few days. Without going into details let me just say that the resulting moral is that I am a judgemental ass. Nope, not sugar coating it! LOL! But, maybe by knowing this I can learn to stop or change. Or breathe and keep my mouth shut in those times of stupidity. I dont know where it comes from but perhaps I can at least curb it. Maybe. We'll see!
It seems there was somethingelse I wanted to say here but I am at a loss. I shall write more later then. Hugs to all and happy holidays. Jess
11.21.2007
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We had date night last night. It started out well... dinner at a new restaurant. Then drinks and a walk down through town. Then we headed home for a shoe/dress change and we were going to sip coffee at out local haunt when...
the phone rings.
Its SIL. LO is fussing and she cannot get him to stop. She says he has fussed all night and she is at her end. She doesnt know what to do. So over we go to intervine and of course when we get there he is so over-tired he cannot keep his eyes open. He instantly falls asleep and is out.
I spoke with my MIl this afternoon who said that he was obviously tired and kept trying to go to sleep the whole time she was there. Everytime he neared sleep SIL and friend would make loud sounds and wake him up. And so the evening progressed.
Sigh. I know they dont have children but she makes like she is the authority on every subject. And, when we offered advice as we dropped him off she didn't want to hear any of it. She said she had it under control. Obviously she didnt or he would have fallen asleep and not cried all night for her. I guess I wonder if we should make her watch him at our house next time, or ?? I don't know... I just wonder what to do.
11.18.2007
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We took Henry to a gallery opening this weekend. He was an angel, all cute and quiet. He smiled for all the ladies, posed for pictures with the gallery owners. He made quite a scene of being irristiable! He even admired the brightly painted portraits. He especially liked one of two babies with big blue eyes. Then it came time for the gallery talk, and we stood off to the side to make room for other people. Right up front though, so I could hear what the artist had to say. He smiles and listens as the lady talks about symbolism and color choices. And then I feel my stomach heating up. And the warmth begins to move down my shirt. I instantly know what he has done..... he has peed on me!! Seems that the little turkey had a leak in his diaper! I whispered to Charles to follow me and we headed back outside to the car. Many people were staring of course as we make a complete spectacle of trying to get out of the gallery. I dont remember ever moving that fast in my life... plus we were not to laugh! Oh boy, being a mom has its days! Wouldn't trade them for anything, although I would give my left arm for someone else to do my laundry sometimes!
11.12.2007
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I keep getting sidetracked, and then when I reread my own writing with my terrible spelling/typing I obsessively have to fix it and then... I get so off track. LOL! Which may be the point of this really. If I type it here it seems that I forget about it later, and stop worring/dwelling about it. WHich helps me stay focused. Even if it sounds bitter. Or weird. : ) I suppose I could just take off the private setting and not worry about it but... oh well.
The point of this is:
I forget where the other rant was going to lead me.... and I feel better already!
11.8.2007
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so something weird is going on with my in-laws. Of course, this is nothing new but... usuaslly is plays out and gets over with. This one has me stumped however, and it doesnt seem to be going away on its own.
So yesterday my MIL and my two SIL's went to lunch without my inviting my husband along. They always invite him along. Once a week they all meet for lunch. It's a family tradition. Its been like that for two years.
Last Friday we invited my sil and bil to go to the fair with us. They declined. Nicely I must add. Saturday when we had dinner with them we had to hear all about their trip to the fair on Friday night.
Sunday I showed my mil what I had gathered for a relatives babyshower. We had preplanned to mail out all of our packages together. On Tuesday I get an email from SIL saying that she and MIL have already shopped online and to not wait for them any longer. Acceptable, and not so weird. This is not what has me bent out of shape. What is not acceptable is to me is that they bough all of the same things I had to send!!AHH! Now, back to the drawing board for me!
11.7.2007
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Sometimes I wish I could redo things knowing what I know now. (Who doesn't right?) I have been cleaning up my files and organizing my negatives... (yes, there was a time before digital cameras and it required film in a camera to make an image. LOL! How old am I?) ...and it is making me think. How strange is it that I have all of these photos of my cats on film. And of Henry, who is significantly larger in my life, I have digital files and photos. (In fact there is a folder for him for every week of his life so far.) Does this silly misnomer mean I value film more than digital? At one time yes, it was true. But now? Where do I stand? And, how has the order of importance has shifted? It's a curious look at my life that I have began. I don't think I have any conclusions yet...
11.2.2007
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Its a beautiful fall day and here I sit, inside... at work... bored... At least I have the prospects of going to the fair tonight. And of course, every time I think if my Henry I smile. Its funny now to think of life before him. Or, without him, if you will. I keep telling him that I have waited my whole life for him (for this) and I mean it everytime I say it.
I have to email the difference I have noticed around me... the single vs couple vs couple with child differences. Its funny, and weird at the same time... but not today because I dont have enough time to over think it all and put it into words. Until tomorrow then,
Me
11.1.2007
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so after going OVER and OVER and OVER the bills last night we realized we are not making it. In fact we are not even close. So today, with a heavy heart, I have come to the realization that I am going to try and find a second job. (or a better paying first job.) He works. Please dont think that is where our problems lie. He is paid almost double of what I make. But my student loans are a-calling and the cost of child care is appalling (I love the ladies there though... only my pocket book doesn't!) so it's back to the drawing board I go. It doesnt seem fair... that is all. I have this amazing child and I cannot even seem to spend a whole day with him becuase our finances are in such peril. Great hun? So, I guess I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and deal with it but it just makes me want to cry.
10.24.2007
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so i thought it would be a smashing idea for henry to be a lobster for halloween. sad to say he looks like a red cockroach in his costume! loL! What is a girl to do? can't win this one!
10.18.2007
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So, I havent had many dreams of my son, not even when I was pregnant. Maybe that is why this one stands out. Read on...
Two year old Henry, his little friend and I were headed for the bathroom in a reststop. The first boy lead the way tugging Henry's hand keeping him in tow. I tagged along as best I could with two over-excited toddlers. The boys disapeared into a stall as I tried to dodge the other people exiting the bathroom. I waited for a few minutes and when the boys don't return I began to feel anxious. It's a curious gut-deep anxiety that takes control of me and before I can over come it I called out Henry's name. No answer. I called again with a little more verocity. This time I hear a little voice say, "I'm right here Mom." I still cannot see him so I ask, "Where are you honey?" The door to the stall opens and thirteen year old Henry says, "I'm right here!" I smile and give him a high five and say,"Sorry buddy, your old mom worries. Go on and have fun with your friends. I love you." Thirteen year old Henry turns and heads for the door. As I glance in the mirror over the sink I wonder just when did my baby grow up? I turn toward the door again and say "Hey, Henry?" He turns one final time to look at me and I realize he is 18 now, and wearing a red and white football jersey. He is going off to college in a few months. He is all grown up. And it was too fast, all of it. "What?" he askes. But I am speachless. And proud of the man his is becoming.
10.12.2007
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I have dont almost nothing today and still I feel rotten. Hmm. Hate being sick. But then, who really likes it anyhow? LOL!
10.1.2007
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I had a conversation with my brother the other day... and it really stood out in my mind. He, who is in rehab as we spoke, and is full of wisdom said, "you know, you really are tough on Shannon." I sat back and thought about it for a few. And I am. For no reason that I can think of other than this. And while its valid its not excuse.
I grew up living with my granmother.(I rant about her in the next journal entry. She can drive me nuts in under a minute flat!) She had this way of making me feel responsible for every sister, brother, and cousin around that was younger. For example: When someone ate the mushrooms in the frontyard and was rushed to the hospital it was my fault. I should have watched him/her closer. When someone wandered out in to the street on a his/her tricycle and was almost ran over by an oncoming car it was my fault. I should have been paying closer attention to him/her. When someone played in the mud puddle and had the best time of his/her life it was my fault. I should know better than that. (You get the idea!)
With all of my eight, nine, and ten years of wisdom I should have, could have, would have. But, then again, I was only eight, nine and ten. And I didn't. But I took each of her scoldings to heart and tried harder the next time around.
I believe this is where my frustration and impatience with my sister comes in. I am use to being the watchdog. Every time she falls below the line I feel like I can hear the scolding words in grandma's nasally voice chanting... "your sister, your sister, your sister...."
I mean, really, how outrageous. I am not the adult chaparone. Let her live and rejoice and fall and try again. It's the only way to succeed. The safety net cannot be in my hands for her hole life. And it shouldn't be. It's not fair to either of us.
9.28.2007
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so I called home today to talk to my grandma. I know better... let me just say that. But I did it anyhow. I am flying home on the 4th so that she and the family can meet the litle man. Sigh. It's all been going down hill since I told them. All of it.. every square inch.
I asked if someone could meet me at the airport or if they would like me to rent a car. Not biggie if they cannot. Nope. Drama. Of course they will pick me up. They will have to find a babysitter for half of the kids but they will bring the other half.. the babies. And since they are bringing the babies grandma wont be able to come. This shouldnt be a problem but it is as grandma is up in arms over not going. I really dont know why. She cannot walk through the airport so someone will have to rent a wheelchair and they push her. And with all the babies in tow, plus luggage, who is going to have a free arm??? Then, since my aunt is getting a sitter and driving to the next town she might as well do her shopping while she is there. I will just have to tag along. With my newborn in tow. Who has never flown. Who has cranky bits cuz he has bad gas. Who doesn't sleep at night like her baby does. Last but not least I need to add I will have been awake since 4:30am. FOR GODS SAKE!!! WHY DO THE DAMN SHOPPING RIGHT THEN??? Maybe I will just rent a car. sigh.
Then, my grandma has decided that during my three day stay she and I will be doing the following:
1.we will eat out one night, at pizza hut.
2.go to my aunts for a second night to play cards and have dinner.
3.stay in and chat for the third night. With her, all alone. (YEAH! OH YEAH!!)
4.take her to the doctors appointments she made today for the fifth. Since I have a car I may as well drive her around.
5. take her shopping for groceries and pants and bras and whatever else. Since I have a car I may as well drive her all around.
6.Meet the lady who brings here Meals On wheels to show off the baby..
7.Meet the lady she use to live next door to who is almost 75 to show off the baby.
8.Meet the whole family and show off the baby.
9.Meet some more distant family and show off the baby.
Are we skipping over something here? Or should I say someone?? I am bring home my NEWBORN!!! HELLO! LITTLE GUY!!! Lots of diapers and gear and stuff, and an half icky belly! Who doesn't always sleep! Sigh.
I suppose in retrospect its my own fault for telling her I was coming home hun? But, I didnt expect the whole freaking fiasco to follow. Though, in hindsight I should have guessed it was looming in there somewhere. Pray for my sanity. And My family!
8.28.2007
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