I passed my test today with a perfect score, and to think I was so afraid.....I had my buddha bear there with me in spirit. I brought her picture with me and looked at it several times before the test. I miss her so......... On the brighter side I am finally independant :)
Well I have feared the drivers test for 8 long years now and tomorrow I have an appointment to take my test. I am a nervous wreck and didn't sleep at all last night due to anxiety eating at me. I am hoping my doggy angel is looking over me and gives me the strength I need to get through the test without doing something bone headed due to my nerves. I have been waiting a long time for the freedom to drive but let my fear and anxiety take hold of my life. No more. If I don't pass then at least I am trying, I can't not try I am on my way to have 2 kids and can't rely on other people to drive them or me places. I am hoping to get a good night sleep and be well rested for the test..........
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I realized that I have not blogged once since I have been pregnant and really should do so.
Not just for a memory but for my emotional health. So far during my pregnancy I have went through the shock of it in itself, to 11 days later having to put my long loved dog, and best friend to sleep. She was with me through all of my teenage years, through my first pregnancy up until I reached age 26. It hurt to know that I would not have her through this pregnancy, During my first she would lay right next to me on my bed with her head on my growing belly. When Jacob would kick she would lift her head up startled, cock her head to the side and raise one ear straight up in the air. Then she would sniff at my belly and lay back down. In fact she went through a major mastectomy while I was pregnant because they found tumors on her breasts.I took care of her night and day to make sure she was as comfortable as she could be.
I miss her dearly and every day that I don't get to see her tail wagging or hug her big furry warm body, another piece of me seems to die with her. She was by my side for so long, she wouldn't even eat when I wasn't home, I was everything to her and she was everything to me. Might sound funny to some how one could love an animal so much but I did not view her as an animal, she was a child, a best friend, and a soulmate. I did not need words for her to understand how I felt nor did she need words for me, we just knew. She protected me when I was younger and my intoxicated uncle tried to hurt me, I will forever be grateful to her. She sent him to the hospital and he never tried to hurt me again. For the last of her years she spent protecting Jacob, she lay at the foot of his bed and no one could walk in unannounced.
On March 1st she started to limp pretty badly not wanting to put any weight on her hind leg. I took her to the vet and they said she had severe arthritis and gave me some medicine to help her. He said that if I saw no improvement within a week to come back. On March 5th not even a week later she started to whimper loudly at night, she had trouble getting comfortable enough to sleep. I remember she would look at me as if to say , why cant you help me, why aren't you fixing this? I took her back on the 6th and the vet said he had a stronger medicine that might help her, he also prescribed pain medicine to keep her comfortable. He said to give this a few days and then to come back. The next day she was the same, no progress. The day after she could hardly get up to go to the bathroom. Friday March 9th she tried to get up as I called her to go outside and she could not. She just stared at me as if to ask me why I am embarrassing her like this when I knew she couldn't get up. So I made the call I have dreaded for her entire life.
At 5pm on March 9th I would say my last goodbyes. I laid on the floor with her all day, cuddling her, sleeping next to her and waking up to hug her and cry hysterically knowing soon I would not ever wake to see her face again. At 4:30 I called a restaurant and ordered their best steak dinner. I fed her the last meal and my parents went with me to take her to the vet. I tried to stay with her for the last breath but they were taking so long that by the time they walked in my mom told me to go. She said it wasn't good for the baby and that she would hold her and tell her we loved her. I wanted to stay so bad but it hurt so much, I couldn't breathe I was in hysterics. I know she knew something bad was going to happen too because I was so upset. I left her there after scaring her with my hysterical crying and hugging her. I didn't want the warmth to go away, I didn't want to see her body go lifeless.
I had so many emotions running through me then and I still do now. One minute it was for the best, she was in pain and needed to be spared her pride and dignity. Next minute it was guilt, how could I not stay with her through that? After everything she has done for me? Then it would be absolute numbness, nothing at all. From that to sobbing in absolute disbelief that she was gone and I would never see her again. To acceptance that I knew this day would come and I had to do it for her, she couldn't even walk what kind of a life is that? Back to guilt, I should have walked her more when she was alive, I shouldn't have had her jumping those tennis nets when we were younger.......I was a mess. I have learned to control it better now after 3 months.....but it still hurts and I don't think that will ever go away.
Aside from that I am about to face my next biggest fear and that is my drivers test. How funny right? Not funny when you live with anxiety. I have avoided it my whole life but losing my dog is bringing a new strength to me. I have to get it anxiety or not, it must be done. In fact I am taking the test in 3 days and finally the weight will be lifted from my shoulders. I am proud of myself for doing this because I thought I never would, nor did I ever talk about it. I found it very embarrassing but now I know everyone has their own fears, goals, accomplishments, failures that is what makes us unique. I am not the only one who has dealt with anxiety with driving and I won't be the last. Probably because we really weren't meant to drive but you have to adapt to your environment or you will get swallowed up. So hopefully I pass the test and will hold my license for the first time at age 26.
I also recently found out I have a pretty bad hernia which will need to be surgically fixed after I have the baby. Joy, another fear to overcome! Surgery! Yay! Not. I actually went to the hospital because I had a lot of pressure in the area of my hernia ( above the belly button by about an inch) and the nurses advice was horrifying. She looked at me and said when you feel a lot of pressure like you have now, this will be painful but what you have is a hernia. A tear in your abdominal wall and when you feel this pressure it is your intestines coming through. I need you to relax and push them back in. WOW! Really? Is this lady serious? Yes, indeed she was.
So from losing my dog, to getting ready to overcome a huge obstacle that I have been dealing with all my life, to finding out I have a hernia and being in a nice amount of pain what else can happen? Ahhhh the joys of life and it's curve balls. Now my dad says he found another woman and is leaving my mom after 36 years! They are not married and my dad is the main bread winner so yay my mom is left with nothing and no way to care for herself! So take a guess at who will have to take care of her now???? Ding ding ding. Me and my fiance who have been trying to get on our own for years! My dad always guilted us into staying because when Jake was born we didn't have jobs and he helped us out for a few months. Every time we were ready to leave when we got back on our feet he would guilt trip us. He swears he needs help financially but makes more than both of us, it is ridiculous. So finally with the pregnancy we tell him look this is it we need our own place and space. What does he do? Leaves my mother so of course I can't leave her on the street when we all move I will have to take her with me and still not have my own space.
Am I going nuts here or is someone trying to make my life completely miserable for no apparent reason? So 3 days ago my dad says he will give my mom another chance if she stops drinking alcohol but this is after he finds out I tell her she can move in with us and that I have to have surgery that requires someone to take care of me and the baby. So now she and I both are unsure if he really wants to be with her or if he is using it as an excuse to move in with us. He tells me my finace is just going to have to understand that they are going to have to live with us a while longer to take care of me after my surgery. My fiance agreed but only for that reason and now we are both stressed out again because we feel like once they move in, it will be hell trying to get them back out. I mean who in the world has this much trouble getting to grow up and move into your own house without your parents???? Your parents are usually the ones trying to get rid of you! I know this is a huge blog post but I had a lot to get off my chest.....I feel like I am going to explode.
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"You sure are one strong mama! I'm sure your children will appreciate the strength you gain from all you are going through!" -- USPLUSONE
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