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TOPIC:    What do you say to someone who had a miscarriage?




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AWESOMELIFE
AWESOMELIFE's Photo Posts: 2155
7/13/09 2:22 P



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A friend of mine just had a miscarrige and I was just honest with her saying that I never know what to say when something like this happens. She appreciated that, and just said, that yes, it is one of those things that one doesn't always know what to say or what there is to say. I of course also told her that we are thinking of them and hoping that they find peace and strength, etc. etc. and I check in with her often just to let her know that we are still thinking of them.

I appreciate some of the other posts / suggestions.


GFGALLAGHERS
GFGALLAGHERS's Photo Posts: 502
7/9/09 10:14 P



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I've had 2 m/c's. The last one was in March.
The one thing that would endear someone to me forever would be if they were to remember my baby's EDD. Not so much the exact date, but a card that showed the sender was aware that we should have been preparing for a baby's arrival would be absolutely priceless to a mother.

My Children:

Landen
3yr 7mo

Connor
7yr 6mo

Noah
10yr

Evan
11yr 7mo

MC 7-06

MC 2-09

MC 6-10
     

FITMOMOF7
FITMOMOF7's Photo Posts: 29
7/8/09 9:32 A


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Letting them know that you are sorry for their loss and being available to listen to their thoughts, feelings and concerns is the best thing a friend can do during such a difficult time.


Mom of six girls! Ages 10,8,6,5,3,1
sixsistersbeadworks.com


TRAVELLINGMUMMY
TRAVELLINGMUMMY's Photo Posts: 2203
7/7/09 4:48 P


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I'll just echo a lot of what's already been said.

Miscarriage and infant loss makes every around us feel uncomfortable, and that's really gut-wrenching for the Momma, because we feel as though the world should stop for the loss of our child.

My son Joshua was born (full term) with a several neural tube defect. He lived for 9wks. There's a difference in mine, since I saw him, held him, fed him. But the loss is very similar - we've all lost the dream of a child - what they could have been. And that child was irreplaceable.

A PP mentioned that most people are well-intentioned, trying to soothe, but miss the mark.

The hardest things I've heard were "When are you going to try for a boy?" (OMGosh, I have a boy, he's just not WITH me!) and "Well, you're young, you can always have another." And both those comments were from my grandmother. She meant well, but she missed the mark...

What helped most in the following weeks and months were:
When people mentioned my son - he wasn't forgotten.
When people asked how I was doing, without any prodding as to what I SHOULD be feeling.
When people brought us things - picture frames, teddy bears, meals. I knew they were thinking of us.
When people told me that my son's life mattered and how he had affected them.

For me the most irritating thing was when people referred to my "little angel in heaven"... like it was better that he was there instead of in my arms where he belonged.


#1 - Oceana Faith 4/11/06
#2 - Joshua Matthew 1/7/08 - 3/15/08
#3 - Naomi Aroha 4/10/09
#4 - Little Bean EDD 3/24/11
Our son had an encephalocele. It is a sack caused by a NTD on the back of his skull. Part of his brain was in the sack. He lived for 67 amazing days and passed away 15 March 2008 around 3am. He was such a precious boy. You can read his story at mnssams.b

My Children:

#4 MC @ 7w5d
4yr 3mo

Naomi
5yr 7mo

Joshua (with Jesus)
6yr 10mo

Oceana
8yr 7mo
  

LISAC1026
LISAC1026's Photo Posts: 1053
7/4/09 10:38 A


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There is nothing that you can say, just be there for her!

I agree with tbe previous post. When I had my miscarriages I needed to grieve on my own and I talked when I was ready. There was nothing that anybody could say to make me feel better and when people did try to offer their "advice" it usually made me feel worse. I recommend being supportive and offering your love and listening ear. I think that's all you can do!


Lisa

DD - Elizabeth, August 26,2003
M/C 11/2007

My Children:

Elizabeth
11yr 3mo
     

CLASSICVIXEN79
Posts: 6
7/2/09 8:59 A


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Everyone's different, but I wanted to be left alone after my miscarriage, and I'm very private, so I didn't want to talk about it for a long time. When I was ready, I opened up to those closest to me...but there were well-meaning people who'd bring up that someone else was pregnant, and it was hard to be happy for them, or they'd give me "it was meant to me" talks that I didn't want to hear at the time. My advice is to let that person alone about the topic, let them grieve, and if they want to talk (don't push the topic, let them come to it), be an ear and shoulder to cry on for them. I had a hard time because my Mom and sister had told half our town, so anytime I went somewhere, I had to tell a friend of theirs I was no longer expecting. That made it harder, and made me want to stay at home more. If you take them out, take them to places where they won't meet people they know who'll bring it up, and those people will mean-well, but it'll still be a stab in the heart each time. And be patient with them when they mope about for months. The grieving process may take a while. And I'd bust out into tears out of no where. Even my husband had to remind me he lost a baby too. It was hard for both of us.

I'm on my third successful pregnancy, so I have been able to let it go, except one thing: the fear with each pregnancy that I may lose it. Until I'm about 3 or 4 months along, I don't tell anyone just in case something happens. I don't even tell my Mom. I wait for my doctor's ok, and my doctor rocks and gives vaginal sonograms in the first visits because then I can see the egg sack is looking good and will make it, or there's a heart-beat they can't measure, but you can see the flutter...Seeing that always makes me cry.

One good thing about my doctor, also, was the first thing she told me was that there was nothing I did wrong to make it happen. She said if that were the case, many a pregnant-teen would have figured out how. It's important to let go the guilt, thinking we did something wrong when we didn't. Our bodies just figure out, hey, there's something wrong, abort mission. Shortly after my miscarriage, my best friend approached someone she knew and I let them talk. She came back to me and told me the saddest story that helped me gulp my grief. Her baby had been born without its 10th chromosome, which normally the woman's body would have miscarried. Instead, they had held that baby, named it...and I realized it was better to have not seen that baby, not have felt its kick, to hold it and name it. To have a baby born and then die....that's worse. There's always something worse than our own situation.


KEELY128
BabyPoints: 313
Posts: 7
7/1/09 9:17 A



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After having a miscarriage, sometimes just a hug or pat on the back did the trick for me


GROBANITE
GROBANITE's Photo Posts: 1067
6/23/09 1:21 P


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After suffering from 3 m/c's it all depends on the person. I talked about how I felt with my husband and closest friends. I had co-workers who experienced loss come up to me to offer support and that was really great. You will notice that loss is often not talked about until it happens to someone who has also experienced it. I find a a great comfort in talking about it with others who have been through exactly what I have been through. It doesn't take the pain away, but it's a lot easier to relate together about it.
Buy her a card and write a note inside letting her know that you are here for her and will always be there for her when she is ready to talk about it.
I wasn't ready to talk for a couple of weeks after my last on happened.



Joshua Lee-Born July 28th,2004
Noah Jeffrey-Born November 9th, 2009!
Blessed to be a mommy to two beautiful boys!

My Children:

Noah
5yr

Joshua
10yr 4mo
    

K_SPRINGTHORPE
K_SPRINGTHORPE's Photo Posts: 512
6/21/09 9:25 P


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I agree with what I've read written by others. Sometimes there really isn't anything you can say except to acknowledge that it is a real loss and to take the time to grieve it. I didn't find it reassuring to hear, "you can always have another" I knew I couldn't have that one and I loved that one. I've lost 3 babies at 11 1/2 weeks and have carried 2 to term. I'm looking forward to having this 3rd baby (and feeling more confident now that morning sickness seems to be hitting me). Nothing in the world can replace a lost baby. It's heartbreaking and we all need to acknowledge that.


http://clevermamas.blogspot.com

My Children:

Olivia
4yr 10mo

Jeremy
7yr 8mo

Elijah
10yr 4mo
   

MYSTE27
Posts: 1835
6/12/09 10:13 P


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I just had another miscarriage. I found a very helpful book that I would suggest to others: Avoiding miscarriage: everything you need to know to feel more confident in pregnancy by susan rousselot

My Children:

FB
4yr 6mo

MC
5yr 7mo

VH
7yr 7mo

MC
8yr 8mo
  

MMILES
MMILES's Photo Posts: 6
6/12/09 9:40 P


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Sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage and 2 chemicals. I hated when ppl would say "It was for a reason" That always bothered me, just say sorry for your loss and if they need cry on your shoulder allow it.


Magan

My Children:

Marissa
4yr 8mo

Dakota
6yr 7mo

Cheyenne
13yr 5mo
   

JROSSRN
Posts: 2
6/11/09 4:50 P


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We have 4 children and have had 3 miscarriages (1 ectopic, 2 early m/c). My oldest was 3 when we had our 1st m/c (1999)...I was 7 weeks along...and was so sad. I didn't know how to process it. My husband was very supportive and felt the loss as much as I did. I got pregnant very soon after and our next two kiddies are 19 months apart. I then had an ectopic (2003). Thankfully, no surgery required...if they catch it early enough you can get an injection of a chemo drug (Methotrexate). I cried all the way to the office the day I got the injection..."What if they are wrong and it's just a really early normal pregnancy?" raced through my head. But, the doc was right and preserved my fallopian tube. I then had a completely unexpected pregnancy (2007)...I only got to be excited for a week before the labs indicated another miscarriage. My doc finally said something may be the culprit for repeated m/c and ordered some labs. He was right on target. Turns out I have something called MThFr. It is a clotting issue and causes either the placenta or cord to clot off in early (and sometimes advanced) pregnancy resulting in miscarriage. I recently had our 4th little blessing (2008) and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was put on a baby aspirin a day and another med called Folgard and my pregnancy was monitored very closely. Some women need to take Heparin, depending on their lab levels. When you aren't pregnant, you are at higher risk for blood clots, so you shouldn't take birth control and should be monitored more closely after surgery (I'm also an RN). The one good thing that came out of repeated m/c was the diagnosis and I've been able to inform other women who have found out they have this condition and ended up having successful pregnancies with treatment.
As far as what to say to someone after m/c, I agree with the many posts of just being there. Talk when she wants to talk and just be there, even cry with her. DON'T say "Well, you can try again"...that was said to me and infuriated me. It didn't minimize our loss and made me feel worse. Also, DON'T say it's better the earlier on in the pregnancy...whether it's 7 weeks or further along, it is still horrible. I do believe in God and have a close relationship with Him, and I know He is grieved through our pain. Just being there for someone is so helpful.


KKATICH30
KKATICH30's Photo Posts: 2
6/11/09 9:16 A



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As with any tragedy that people will go through in life, it is best to say nothing at all and just to be there. In the Jewish culture, when a person experiences loss, family and friends will come to be with the person, it's called "sitting shiva". They only speak when the person who experienced the loss initiates conversation....I learned a lot from this process during a great loss of my own. She will talk about it when she wants to and when she doesn't she wont, its the safest and best way to be supportive! I hope all goes well and my prayer go out to you and your family.

And to JennPagePitt....During my loss, my brother said to me that he believes that God was just as sad as I was about the loss and was hurting Himself for the loss and for me, I believe that my God is sad when I am and that he feels my pain. It may be in his plan, but that doesn't mean it pains Him any less.

Edited by: KKATICH30 at: 6/11/2009 (09:22)


JENNPAGEPITT
JENNPAGEPITT's Photo Posts: 7041
6/8/09 1:23 P


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With mine words did not mean very much I just needed the hug and support. The one thing I hated hearing was it was God's will or they will be waiting for your in Heaven. yes it was God's will and I understand that but I did not want to associate that kind of pain with God. I want to think more he was there getting me through this.

I found even a year later and having a newborn I still grieved for the baby I lost when it was their due date. And that day I just needed a hug and I got the best hugs from both of my boys


Picture: Asher sleeping through fireworks that were being set off only feet away from his head.

OUR FAMILY
Me: Jennifer
DH: Bill
Our Little Man: Asher Dustin 11-22-06 and Alexander Turner 3-10-09
Dog: Dallas
Cats: Miss U and Tigger

My Children:

Ayden Chase
3yr 9mo

Alexander (Zander) Turner
5yr 8mo

Asher Dustin
8yr

Dallas (dog)
9yr 11mo

Miss U (cat)
22yr 7mo
 

SUEKETTS
Posts: 1
6/5/09 12:33 P



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I had a m/c Nov 2008. My Angel was due on May 27 2009. I was totally distraught when I was told that my baby's heart had stopped beating. The only thing that kept me going was my 3 living children. My husband was very sympathetic but didn't seem to feel the loss as much as I did. The only person that really seemed to understand was my mother in law who had suffered several m/c herself. She gave me a crystal angel which really meant a lot to me.
We named our baby Angel as we felt it was better than just calling it 'the baby' or 'it' as we didn't get to know what gender it was. We also went to the 'build a bear workshop', bought a bear and named it Angel. I found this really helpful as I would hold it close to me whenever I was feeling really upset. I know this may sound silly, but I imagined I was hugging my lost baby. I even wrapped it in the shawl that I used to bring all my babies home in. It was also used when they were baptised. It was knitted for me by my Grandmother whose birthday happens to be May 27 (the date my Angel was due). I have also bought an angel pendant so that I can feel as though my Angel is always with me.
Last week, on the day that Angel was due, I bought a small cake and placed a candle on it. My husband and I both blow the candle out and gave each other a big hug. I also released a white balloon with a small note telling Angel how much I loved my darling baby.
Shortly after losing Angel I did a lot of searching online to see if other mothers felt their loss the same way as me. This made me feel as though I wasn't alone and that I wasn't stupid for feeling the way I did. There was one site I found very helpful and that is where I got the idea to buy a teddy and a pendant. http://www.labelledame.com/ I also found a poem on this site which I read whenever I feel down.

An Angel Never Dies..
Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy,
not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word,
I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time,
I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

These are some of the things that have helped me to get through this difficult time. I hope others find these ideas helpful. Also if the mother has a photo/scan photo of their baby then a nice photo frame might be a good idea as I did this for a friend who lost her baby many years ago. She was overjoyed when she opened it as she felt I was the only person who realised that she did not want to forget about the baby she had lost. Even just a small sympathy card would be a good idea as a mothers loss is just as painful as the loss of a close family member or good friend.



Sueketts

Edited by: SUEKETTS at: 6/5/2009 (12:36)


BLESSEDMOMOFTWO
BLESSEDMOMOFTWO's Photo Posts: 1952
6/5/09 8:57 A


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Heavenbound-I am so sorry for the loss of your baby! What a beautiful post you have written. I wish you all the happiness with your new pregnancy. I know what you mean being pregnant is such a blessing and at times scary too when you have lost.

I do not blame God for my losses either. I says in the Bible in John 10:10, The thief (devil) comes to steal, kill and destroy but I (Jesus) have come to give life more abundantly. Without God, I could never try again! My faith is what keeps me going! I pray constantly for the health of my baby.

Laurie


DD 10 years old
D&C 8/1/07 no hb at 16 weeks
MC 11/07 at 4 1/2 weeks
Blighted Ovum at 8 weeks
Believing God I will have another baby soon! And God answered with He is willing.... Haley

My Children:

Baby
5yr 1mo

Big Sis
14yr 4mo
    

HEAVENBOUND6
Posts: 2
6/4/09 11:59 P



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My husband and I lost our little boy February 5, 2006. I was almost 5 months pregnant (19 weeks), went to my doc for spotting and abdomen pain (didn't even think anything of it), and she rushed me to a hospital 45 minutes away, since the hospital in my hometown did not consider my child to even be a child unless I was 20 weeks pregnant. So the hospital I was sent to tried to stop the labor all weekend, but to no avail. I still went into labor. They sent me over to labor and delivery, and I asked them to leave me alone, let me have my child naturally as I had planned. He deserved it, he was still my child. Not less because he was coming early. Not just something to end. God gave him to us (we didn't know he was a boy, our first son), and there were no shortcuts. So I dilated to probably 7 or 8, which is still a very strong labor level. I gave birth to him and caught him in my hand, and he was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, eyes (closed), ears, nose, mouth, chest, everything a full grown baby has. Just only 8 inches long, and 7 ounces. He was our son. My husband cut the cord (the only thing keeping him alive) and we held him for two hours as he held on to life. Finally his little heart slowed steadily to a stop, and it was then that I cried. There was something in me as a Momma that felt like I had to be strong for him while he was alive. We wanted to give him a proper burial, so we told the hospital we wanted him taken to our town's funeral home. I bought a Boyd's Bear from Cracker Barrel that had a little suit on it to have him dressed and it was still a little big on him. We had him buried at the foot of his great Grandpa's grave and had a small service for him. We needed that.
Several events, lessons, things, happened as a result of us losing Vincent. I cannot even think of where to begin.
One thing I would let people know is that God does not MAKE these things happen to people. He is an all loving, all knowing, all powerful God. But most of all He is holy. Therefore death is not His will. Death came after the first sin in the Garden. However, although He did not make it happen, He allowed it to happen to my husband and I. We were at a very wrong path in our lives, and as a result of these things that happened, Adam and I came to know and trust Christ as our personal Savior about a year later. I would never, however, say to someone who has lost a child that God will make it better, or that they will understand why later. NEVER! The Bible tells us to weep with those who weep. That's it. Weep with those who weep. Be sorry for the pain they are going through. Yes, make a meal. Come to just be there. Do their dishes. I cannot tell you how many meals people brought over because I was grieving so badly. Making meals and just being there. Sending a card. Praying for them. Tell them you're praying for them. Come clean their house. Don't say a word just do, because they cannot think straight, and can't see the needs around them for a little while. They need the strength of others to lift them up. Words are empty unless you yourself (not someone you know) has lost a child. There is nothing like it.
Another thing is also to have grace and mercy to those who may say or do things that are not helpful. No one knows what to do when someone they love is grieving. It's awkward, but they love you and they are trying. Be gracious enough to know that they do love you. And for those who say harsh things, remember that someone who has gone through this wouldn't say it. People speak out of ignorance sometimes as well, and usually regret it later.
One last thing...if you find yourself in this situation, about to lose your child (God forbid), I want you to know that you do have choices! Don't let them just take your baby off without you seeing, holding, taking pictures, if possible. They gave me the option of pain meds, being induced, having a D&C, and I told them to leave me be (I was in labor, some may need induced). Anything for memories, closure (only if that is what you want to do though). You do have a choice to have your baby, to bury your baby. To name your baby. To see your baby. Ask questions. That is your child. You need closure. You can tell them you want them to take the baby to your hometown funeral home. They will look it up based on your hospital info. I only say this because if I hadn't had my mom-in-law there to think straight for us we would not have had the reasoning at the time to make those hard decisions.
I write this with a humble heart. There aren't even words that I can say to those ladies who have lost their children that I know. I still don't have the words. Just pain in my heart and tears in my eyes.
I think of Vincent now, and he brings a sweetness to my thoughts where there was once pain and agony. I asked God why, and He told me. I have peace now. The Bible says in James 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him." This verse is directly related to asking God for wisdom in understanding the trials in our life. He does answer. I had to wait though, for at least a year or so, before I received the answer.
I hope what we have gone through has been of help. Everyone is different, and is in a different place in their life; this is merely how it unfolded in my life. I am thankful to God that He has never left me though :)
As an ending, one little month later after we lost Vincent I was pregnant again (very mixed emotions, I must add) and we have had two children since then. I am 9 weeks pregnant right now as well, and I must say that I still thank God for each day I am pregnant, because I do not know if it will be the last day I am pregnant :)


Edited by: HEAVENBOUND6 at: 6/5/2009 (00:03)


SHEBORST
SHEBORST's Photo Posts: 9
6/4/09 1:02 P


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I had a miscarriage a few months before this pregnancy. I had different reposnses. The best was a woman I knew brought me a little plate of brownies just for me.
The worst was my best friend told me it was "God's will" I am a deeply religouse person and she is not. I do not believ that God would pick and choose in that way. When a child could come into a home where it would be loved and cared for. Instead of sending children to homes where drugs and abuse and so on exsist.

I agree just be there with a listening ear and a hug.
"I am sorry you had to go through this, let me know if there is anything I can do for you"

or bring a dinner to my family because I am to upest to do anything. There is so much we can do for people who are grieving.


4 kids and counting, due 5-27-14


KIRELEASON
KIRELEASON's Photo Posts: 1435
6/3/09 4:05 P


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Wow. I have not experienced a miscarriage, but the article shared here moved me deeply. Thank you.


Mommy to a funny, snuggly, feisty toddler! And welcomed a new baby into the world.

My Children:

I
2yr 8mo

Angel Baby due 09/17/2011
3yr 2mo

E
5yr 3mo
   

BABYREADY2
Posts: 37
6/3/09 1:15 P


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These are great pointers that i need to hear for myself and to know how to respond to others. Sometimes, we say stupid things that hurt in the end so its best not to say anything if you don't know what to say and just give that person your opened arms...


POSITIVEKRISTA
POSITIVEKRISTA's Photo Posts: 222
6/3/09 12:38 A


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With thanks to TAYTAYSMAMA for originally posting this:

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was NEVER disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

-Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

________________________________
______



When I first read this, it moved me in a way that I cannot express here, and I think every woman who has lost a beloved child can see at least a small piece of herself in this letter. I still cry when I read it... My wonderful Husband was patient, kind, and understanding that I wouldn't yet be ready to try again for whatever time it took. Losing our first child destroyed me. It took a solid year to emotionally heal into wanting to try again, and passing that horrible first anniversary of April 19th, 2008 brought a profound release of peace in both of our lives. Olivia was conceived without effort the very following month, at the end of May, 2008. There is hope... Whether it's a biological or adopted or foster child, there are beautiful little faces everywhere needing love and hugs in this world. Wishing you, your family, and especially your daughter peace and healing...



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DVILLEGA1
BabyPoints: 597
Posts: 7
6/2/09 6:19 P


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Congratulations to all of you who has survived a miscarriage and has conceived since. I have a miscarriage in 2006 when I was 3 months and I took it very hard. Keep your heads up and your faith in God even higher. Sometimes we go through things so that we can be a shoulder for someone else in the future. Take it as a learning experience.


BLESSEDMOMOFTWO
BLESSEDMOMOFTWO's Photo Posts: 1952
6/2/09 6:01 P


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That is horrible that someone would relate an abortion to a miscarriage- I am so sorry that happened to you! I am sorry for your losses.

I too am pregnant after 3 losses and it has been hard-a sure test of faith! I had my 20 week U/S yesterday and feel very encouraged!

Laurie




DD 10 years old
D&C 8/1/07 no hb at 16 weeks
MC 11/07 at 4 1/2 weeks
Blighted Ovum at 8 weeks
Believing God I will have another baby soon! And God answered with He is willing.... Haley

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Baby
5yr 1mo

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HUAIYUNLE
Posts: 1
6/2/09 2:21 P


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I've had two miscarriages in the last year and am fortunate enough to be pregnant again. Still, the worry is always there. As others have mentioned, it is comforting when friends and family express their sadness for you. A simple, "I'm so sorry." followed by a hug was really all that I was looking for. I also appreciated it when people asked me how I was feeling and if I needed anything to just let them know.

My husband was travelling for work both times and I felt painfully alone. Some friends of ours sent me a care package with nice smelling soap, chocolates and other snacks. The fact that they took the time to put something together for me helped a great deal.

I was amazed by some of the harsher things people had to say such as, "Wow, two!" or to have someone try to relate by mentioning her abortion. I also felt empowered by knowing that that there are tests to help determine why one might be having multiple miscarriages, but this kind of information can wait. You can ask if they've seen a doctor and encourage them to do so if they haven't already. Let your friend talk through what they're feeling if they are inclined to do so. Offer to take them out to lunch or to go to movie together.

Edited by: HUAIYUNLE at: 6/2/2009 (14:36)


FUNKYMOMMA20
Posts: 18
6/1/09 4:41 P


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I'm terribly sorry for the loss in your family. I've suffered two miscarriages and as if the first wasn't bad enough, the second just made it so much worse. I found that the best help to me was just having people around. By wallowing in your loss, you feel worse. Encourage her to get out of the house and maybe just go for a walk with her. That's what worked for me. You'll find the words to say.


KELLYGRAY79
KELLYGRAY79's Photo BabyPoints: 3757
Posts: 493
6/1/09 9:40 A



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Like many of the previous posters said, it is more the actions that will help, not the words you can say. Tell her it sucks and it isn't fair and you are there for her. I had a friend that came over and just fixed dinner two nights and just sat and watched tv with me - it was an amazing comfort and she didn't have to say anything.

There are some great message boards on here for someone coping with a MC - I found them to be extremely helpful.

I am so sorry for both of you for your loss.



Mommy to a beautiful little girl!

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Klaire Gray Murphy
4yr 9mo

Konner our fuzzy baby - Mini Doxie
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GYPSY_MOMMY
GYPSY_MOMMY's Photo Posts: 25
5/29/09 11:00 A


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I like the comment by Samantha below.

"The Best thing to do is just love and listen."

I think this is so true for any kind of loss. The people you remember are the ones who still showed up everyday just to give you a hug or sit with you awhile so you didn't feel isolated or alone.

Besides, people sitting there trying to rationalize something horrible just make things so awkward and hurtful despite their intentions. And you usually either get the rationalizers or the ones who suddenly vanish into thin air because they don't know how to respond.

Sometimes big fancy words aren't necessary. Just knowing someone loves you and cares about what your going through.

My Children:

Nadia Bernadette
9yr 8mo
     

EMPRESSTRA
EMPRESSTRA's Photo Posts: 119
5/28/09 5:33 P


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I agree with everyone. I think the worst was when people would be like, "well maybe it will go better next time, or you can always try for another." I didn't want another baby right then, I wanted the baby that I lost. I don't think you can just erase the memory of one with another. And my sister-in-law and I were about 1 month apart. When her baby was born my mom asked me if it was a bitter-sweet experience. Hello, no it was heart wrenching knowing I would never get to hold my LO and have to know that everytime I looked at my neice I would see what my son would've been like. So if there is anyone she knows having babies, best not to mention it.

My Children:

Aaralyn
4yr 11mo

'Jon Wayne' angel baby lost at 18 1/2 weeks
    

 
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