Posts: 2
3/17/06 5:51 P

Thanks for your reply, but what I meant about replaying the birth was that I keep looking back with longing to do it again, and with some type of nostalgia, even though it was difficult, because I want to go back to that time. Now I understand how people said when I was pregnant how they just loved being pregnant, because I guess you are leading up to this huge momentous life changing moment, the birth. I was overdue with her and gained so much fluid I had pitting edema, so I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore, and now I miss it so much and I can hardly remember the feeling of when she used to kick me or have hiccups. It's so sad. My baby is only 2 weeks old but it seems like it's going too fast anyway. I would love to do a journal for her and actually my husband suggested I write the story of her birth, for me if not for her one day, but of course, there is no time with a 2 week old baby especially since I'm breastfeeding! I do relive the day of her birth with my husband on a pretty regular basis so hopefully won't forget it. Really, I had no idea how demanding this would be! But well worth it of course because Lynsey is so wonderful. I just want her to be little for ever, and I am trying so hard to enjoy each little moment, busy or tired or starving.

Posts: 15125
3/17/06 7:51 A

I had trouble bonding with #2 and I think part of the reason was the difficulty of her birth. You are right, this is not the time to constantly replay what went wrong (much easier said than done). Try to turn your focus to what went RIGHT, a healthy little baby.

As to the time flying by. I can relate, I have felt the same with Ian as he is probably our last. Just remember to cherish each moment. Write a journal to present to her at a certain birthday or event. Maybe that would help you to channel what you are feeling right now.

Posts: 2
3/16/06 11:08 P

I have a 2-week old baby girl and my problem is very strange regarding bonding. I have definitely bonded with her but as days pass I keep looking and thinking back to the birth and pregnancy wishing I could go back and I am sad that she is getting bigger already! Her birth was so difficult and yet I look back and replay it all the time. I don't feel that this is too healthy for me or if it's normal.
I wanted her so much and we tried so long to conceive and now I just feel like time is passing too fast. I don't even want to nap when she does because I'd rather cuddle her and just look at her. I keep thinking way ahead about how sad it'll be when she leaves for school, starts dating (eeekk!) etc. Anyone else who can at all relate to my problem?

Posts: 15125
3/15/06 2:16 P

Q: My baby is three weeks old. I gave birth by cesarean and I'm not sure I bonded with my baby. Isn't this something that should have happened by now? Is it too late to bond?






A: Bonding is not a single magic event in the relationship between parent and child. It is the growing feeling that happens as two people fall in love and deepen their relationship over time. The ways babies come into the world, and the ways their parents greet them, are so varied that there is not one singular moment in which bonding takes place. Some people take one look at their baby and are overcome with emotion. Others look at their little wrinkled stranger and aren’t sure what to think. Some people are worried if they don’t instantly feel the same kind of love for a second child that they have developed over time for their first.

Although we advocate birthing institutions and birth support people who provide maximum contact between babies and parents as early as possible, it is also important to understand that bonding can happen in many different ways, at many different times.

Here are seven easy ways you can begin to deepen your bond with your new baby.

Minimize your other activities. A new baby brings a flurry of activity to parents' already busy lives. There can be lots of visitors and routine daily activities to tend to. These first few weeks and months offer rich opportunities for parents and new babies to get to know each other and to strengthen their bond. Work to cut down activities that aren’t essential. Most will wait for you.
Snuggle with your baby. Babies crave and need touch. It is as important to them as food and oxygen. Let your baby sleep naked on your bare chest. Hold your baby close as your nurse or feed him. Let your baby spend as much time as possible with you, skin-to-skin. Smell your baby and let your baby smell you. This is the way nature intended for us to bond.



Get on baby time and focus on your baby’s cues and signals. Babies move on their own rhythm. Everything is new to them. It takes them time to figure things out. Slowing down so that you can be receptive to your baby’s cues and so that you can teach baby your cues can help build your unique communication system. Figuring out what your baby wants and needs means that you not only pay close attention to her verbal signals, but her non-verbal ones as well.
Observe your baby. As you sit back and watch your baby, you will begin to perceive things about her that don’t necessarily notice in the daily hustle bustle. Watch how she moves, listen to her sounds, notice how she changes from one day to the next. You will begin to see the world from her perspective, which will help your feelings for her and your understanding of her deepen.
Read about babies, talk with other new parents and/or attend a parenting class. If you are inexperienced with babies, or even if you know a lot about babies, it can be helpful to learn about infant development from books, other parents and teachers. Parenting classes or groups can also offer support, companionship and the company of a roomful of other parents who are as obsessed with your baby's every move as you are. And when you're feeling fearful, worried or exhausted, other parents' stories will let you know that you are not alone.
Take time for yourself. All of the time, attention, work and focus required to care for a new baby are exhausting. So is recovering from a cesarean. Most new parents lose themselves in their baby. This can be an important part of the attachment process, but you also need time to rejuvenate yourself. It may be hard to leave your baby even for a short period of time, but if you can get just 30 minutes to yourself regularly, you can recharge your batteries so that you can go back and be ready to enjoy your baby. You might want to take a relaxing bath, write in your journal, organize pictures, read a short story, go on a walk, talk with a friend or get a short massage. If your baby is an unpredictable napper, it can help to have your partner, a relative, a friend or a childcare professional regularly stay with your baby so that you can get a little time away. (As your baby gets older, it will be easier to take a little longer periods away.)
Enjoy the preciousness of these days. Babies are new for such a fleeting period of time. Sometimes when new parents are overwhelmed by the intensity of the learning curve with a new baby, they wish their babies were a little more grown up. But if you talk to anyone with older children, they'll tell you how precious and important these early days are. As best you can, savor them.






Edited by: QUESTHER at: 3/15/2006 (14:17)

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/14/06 1:06 A

By the way all, there was a pretty good article in American Baby this month regarding all of this.
You know the one thing that kept me going in the beginning was just to think of the fun times ahead that I would have with my son. That it's tough right now sure, but things will get better.

Posts: 15125
3/9/06 8:46 A

It is difficult for some in the beginning, I have been there. One way to cope with the "newness" of being a mom is to fin d certain special things that you only do with your daughter. I have had a special song for each of my children. They began to recognize it around 8 weeks and they would start to kick, coo, and smile when they heard it. I had a special book with each of them as well. You will find things that work for you and your situation. Keep at it :)

Posts: 520
3/8/06 7:15 P

I know I'm having a sort of tough time bonding with my baby girl. I know I love her, but I feel overwhelmed at times. It will get better with time. JULYBABY- thanks for directing me to this article. Very imformative.
-Joe'll

Posts: 15125
3/8/06 10:43 A

Women experience so many different emotions with child-birth. It is important to recognize that there is not one "right" way to feel during this emotional (and somtimes stressful) time

Posts: 629
3/7/06 12:30 P

I'm fairly confident that I will have moments when I'm just in awe of this new little person, and other moments when I will sincerely want to throw him or her out the window. I figure as long as I don't actually do it, no harm done.

I've had friends confide everything from the standard, "It'll change your life--I loved him like I've never loved anybody before from the first moment they laid the little bundle in my arms," to, "It was kind of disappointing, actually. The baby just wasn't much fun until six months or so. Of course, she's wonderful now!" From the perspective of the outside observer, though, and, I'm sure from the view of the babies themselves, the folks along that entire range of "bonding experience" were equally good, affectionate, and attentive parents from day one.

Posts: 15125
3/7/06 7:56 A

Does anyone have any particular fears on the subject that they would like to discuss?

Posts: 15125
3/6/06 8:33 P

Baby Bonding Basics

The bonding between you and baby is essential to your baby's healthy development.

The strong attachment you form early on provides baby with the feelings of security and trust they need to grow up confident and well adjusted around other people.

Bonding is a Process

You should realize that bonding is a process. Bonds are built one step at a time. The holding, touching, talking and playing that you do while caring for baby builds into a strong relationship.

An essential method for bonding is "book-sharing". Done properly by following our guide and using our books, "book-sharing" fosters the early give-and-take communication that ensures a strong bond between you and baby.

You can begin bonding with baby by being relaxed and letting it happen. Having a baby can be stressful and surveys show that 40% of mothers don't feel a strong emotional tie until the end of the first week or later. Using Bonding with Baby board books along with your "book-sharing" guide gives you a way to relax and interact with baby.

Being close to baby

The more time you spend being close to baby the better. Breastfeed if possible. Although bottle-fed babies can certainly bond, breastfeeding provides ideal face-to-face and skin-to-skin contact. Whatever method you chose, holding, gentle stroking and talking to baby during feeding will bring you emotionally closer.

Consider a sling-type baby carrier. Babies need to feel secure both physically and emotionally. Many parents find that carrying baby around and outside the home is very comforting for baby.

Frequently take time to just enjoy your baby. Caring for an infant is very demanding, so both you and baby need time to just play together.
Some of the best bonding happens when you're relaxed and having fun. That is why the time to share the right books with baby is so beneficial. Bonding with Baby books were specially designed to help you relax and go into baby's world.

"Book-sharing" helps you bond

"Book-sharing" is one of the best, research-proven techniques for stimulating joyful interaction. More than just reading, you actively share the pictures with baby. It draws you into baby's world, connecting you on an emotional level and will become a favorite bonding activity.

The best books have colorful pictures with no words. Look for stories featuring parents and babies enjoying each other so you both can relate to your favorite times together. Bonding with Baby books are the ideal choice for "book-sharing" with baby.

Posts: 16825
3/6/06 4:43 P

Bump

BabyPoints: 13456
Posts: 956
3/3/06 2:01 P

Well, I have some hope now. I just feel like another statistic at Kaiser right now, in and out, like they assume I really know what's going on. I will be taking the Bradley method and Lamaze classes and am going to try to get a tour as early as possible so I KNOW what to expect. I spent so much time trying to get pregnant or have a baby (adoption), I never thought about what would happen for labor and delievery!

Thanks everyone for your reassureance and hope that it is possible!

Posts: 15125
3/3/06 11:42 A

Swimmommy,
I had all 4 in a hospital and always held and nursed them immediately after birth.

I really admire the honesty of these experiences. I hope that others are finding them to be helpful.

Edited by: QUESTHER at: 3/3/2006 (11:42)

Posts: 3600
3/2/06 3:40 P

Thanks Julybaby, what a beautiful article :-)

Swimmommy-I delivered at a hospital and requested my son be given directly to me even with the cord attached so I could hold him for a while. They were fine with it, let me hold him, and then took him to get cleaned and checked. Talk to your doc/midwife and the hospital you are going to deliver at about that in your birth plan. If they are not open to you holding the baby directly after birth (except in emergencies), maybe switch to a place that would allow it.

Edited by: BLESSED_WITH_2 at: 3/2/2006 (15:43)