Posts: 2649
4/4/06 4:27 P

I haven't become a mother yet but I know what it's like to be a child of a mother that never felt like she bonded with me, and trust me it's only been in the last 2 years and I'm 22 years old now. All my life I wondered what I did wrong to her for her to treat me the way she did, why she seems to love my brother more and it was all based on me being a newborn. My birth (her second at 21 with a 13 month baby already) was longer and I had really really bad colic. Even now when I look at our relationship I wonder how could she do this to her first born daughter?? It made me mad for years, so upset that I moved out at 15 lived a mile away from her and probably called her 10 times in a 5 year period. I went for over a year once not calling her. Now I've come to the realization that she had serious post partum depression and it wasn't my fault, it was something that she needed to get help for but I suffered from it. I'm not putting anyone down I think it's great that you admit to it, it helps you. But know how it makes the child feel all grown up and about to be a mother herself. I vow that I will not do the things that she did.

Posts: 522
3/31/06 3:31 P

RCGUSTAFSONUK,

The transition to motherhood does't come easily and I know I found it overwhelming for the first few weeks, too. If you have somekind of support system take advantage of their willingness to help and make time for yourself. And believe me, it DOES get better!!

Posts: 15518
3/31/06 11:15 A

It is so tough having so many mixed feelings. and as mothers we have to beat ourselves up for any moment of "weakness". Sleep deprivation is difficult to smile through. I know there were mornings after being up all night I just wanted someone to take her long enough so that I could sleep and it was never as long as I needed. You just have to realize that we aren't supposed to be super women. I mean technically mothers are, but we don't have to be perfectly happy all the time. Of course you love your baby!! I'm glad this article helped you.

Posts: 333
3/31/06 10:44 A

I am so happy to see this thread. My son is 12 days old and I am really struggling. It doesn't feel like he's mine. It feels like an obligation and a chore to take care of him. Yesterday I was with some other moms and the thought actually occured to me that I could leave him there with them. I was so tired I just wanted to go home and sleep. Then I spent the rest of the day crying because I felt so guilty for thinking such a horrible thing. Today was a better day than yesterday. Hopefully with time, over the next few weeks, we'll grow to know each other and get bonded.

BabyPoints: 6762
Posts: 1842
3/23/06 8:25 P

Mrs-Mama
You are in no way horrible. I went through the same exact thing. I often say to my husband that I feel horrible because I spent the first month of my son's life crying and not wanting to hold and cuddle him as much as I feel I should have. I had a horrible time breastfeeding. He bloodied my nipples, took a chunk of flesh out of one and always seemed hungry. I had nurses come to the house - I saw lactation consulations you name it but nothing helped. I would literally feed him and hand him over and not really want anything to do with him until the next time I had to feed. I would live in fear of that moment when I would once again have to try to put his mouth on my breasts and the pain that I would have to endure. For 3 weeks I think I cried through almost every feeding. It was horrible. I finally sat down with my husband and he flat out told me if I was going to go in that way that I should just resign myslef to feeding my child formula or I should start pumping. I did both. I went out and got a pump and gave him formula when I couldn't get enough out. After 3 days I notices a vast change in myself. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to cuddle with him. I wanted to play with him. After 3 days my nipples also felt somewhat better....not 100%...so i started putting him back on the breast a few feedings per day and pumping for the remainder.

6 weeks after his birth I am finally healed and can feed him from the breast without any blood. When I decided that I wasn't a horrible mom for giving my son formula is when I also realized that the bonding time is far more important than beating myslef up. Luckily I was able to get him back to nursing but he still gets one bottle of formula - in the middle of the night. We need to stop beating ourselves up. Nursing does not work for everyone. My son still takes an hour to eat each time and he still pulls my nipples in every which direction and can't stay latched on for more than 2 minutes. The only reason I can handle it I think is cause my nipples have toughened up and I just don't feel it as much now. The minute I get an indication though that he is not getting enough to eat I will put him on formula and not feel as though I am a horrible mother. Better to have a happy, fed baby rather than my principles.

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/23/06 8:11 P

Mama2lola,
I think it's hard for anyone to admit that they don't feel that "instant love" for their baby. I know it's hard for me to admit to people that.
I once told my husband in a moment of anger that I actually loved my Jeep Grand Cherokee more than our son. Sad but true.

Posts: 3080
3/23/06 6:23 P

tamtbell - your post made me feel so much better!
Lorelei has been such a difficult baby. She had colic and nursing issues. I stopped nursing because it was making me hate her. Can I say that without people thinking I am a horrible mother?? I pumped for her for nine weeks and this made our relationship a lot better but I still felt like she was a chore until she was about 4 or 5 weeks old. I stopped pumping a month ago and keep yo-yoing back and forth about trying to re-lactate and nurse again. I get so determined and then I remember how HORRIBLE it was for us and decide we should stick to bottles. She is more playful and cuddly now, and her colic is almost gone, so it seems like we are FINALLY bonding like we should be. I have never let her be hungry, wet, cold, or even let her cry for very long but somehow i feel like if only i had been nursing her all this time i would love her more, or she would love me more. Most of the time I think SHE hates me and isn't bonded to ME. But I guess that is silly
Everyone's post have helped me realise that what i'm feeling is normal. I do LOVE my baby but it is ok to be tired and overwhelmed sometimes. It is also ok that life isn't a fairy tale . . . love can sneak up on you, it doesn't HAVE to take your breath away all at once.

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/23/06 5:55 P

You know the time I realized I was starting to love DS was when my FIL kept pushing the issue that he wanted to see "HIS grandson". It was amazing how protective I felt over Nick. Those maternal feelings take some getting used to.

Posts: 14224
3/20/06 3:40 P

I always missed feeling the baby's movements. It is a special thing that can only be experienced between the Mom and Baby.

Posts: 15518
3/18/06 11:37 A

I felt that way a little while after Mediah's birth. I do remember most of it. But I just missed that whole time near the end of excitement and having her in me. I had a great birth but was also so nervous the whole time that I didn't get to come out of my world more than I wanted, especially near the end. I was just so focused on pushing her out that I didn
t want to see her being born. and afterwards I was so mad that I missed that moment. I always tell my girlfriends to treasure those last days the baby is in you like nothing else. It really is the last time it will ever be that easy to protect and take care of your baby. Of course your situation is differnt with the swelling. But I think its normal to want some of that back.

Posts: 2
3/17/06 5:51 P

Thanks for your reply, but what I meant about replaying the birth was that I keep looking back with longing to do it again, and with some type of nostalgia, even though it was difficult, because I want to go back to that time. Now I understand how people said when I was pregnant how they just loved being pregnant, because I guess you are leading up to this huge momentous life changing moment, the birth. I was overdue with her and gained so much fluid I had pitting edema, so I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore, and now I miss it so much and I can hardly remember the feeling of when she used to kick me or have hiccups. It's so sad. My baby is only 2 weeks old but it seems like it's going too fast anyway. I would love to do a journal for her and actually my husband suggested I write the story of her birth, for me if not for her one day, but of course, there is no time with a 2 week old baby especially since I'm breastfeeding! I do relive the day of her birth with my husband on a pretty regular basis so hopefully won't forget it. Really, I had no idea how demanding this would be! But well worth it of course because Lynsey is so wonderful. I just want her to be little for ever, and I am trying so hard to enjoy each little moment, busy or tired or starving.

Posts: 14224
3/17/06 7:51 A

I had trouble bonding with #2 and I think part of the reason was the difficulty of her birth. You are right, this is not the time to constantly replay what went wrong (much easier said than done). Try to turn your focus to what went RIGHT, a healthy little baby.

As to the time flying by. I can relate, I have felt the same with Ian as he is probably our last. Just remember to cherish each moment. Write a journal to present to her at a certain birthday or event. Maybe that would help you to channel what you are feeling right now.

Posts: 2
3/16/06 11:08 P

I have a 2-week old baby girl and my problem is very strange regarding bonding. I have definitely bonded with her but as days pass I keep looking and thinking back to the birth and pregnancy wishing I could go back and I am sad that she is getting bigger already! Her birth was so difficult and yet I look back and replay it all the time. I don't feel that this is too healthy for me or if it's normal.
I wanted her so much and we tried so long to conceive and now I just feel like time is passing too fast. I don't even want to nap when she does because I'd rather cuddle her and just look at her. I keep thinking way ahead about how sad it'll be when she leaves for school, starts dating (eeekk!) etc. Anyone else who can at all relate to my problem?

Posts: 14224
3/15/06 2:16 P

Q: My baby is three weeks old. I gave birth by cesarean and I'm not sure I bonded with my baby. Isn't this something that should have happened by now? Is it too late to bond?






A: Bonding is not a single magic event in the relationship between parent and child. It is the growing feeling that happens as two people fall in love and deepen their relationship over time. The ways babies come into the world, and the ways their parents greet them, are so varied that there is not one singular moment in which bonding takes place. Some people take one look at their baby and are overcome with emotion. Others look at their little wrinkled stranger and aren’t sure what to think. Some people are worried if they don’t instantly feel the same kind of love for a second child that they have developed over time for their first.

Although we advocate birthing institutions and birth support people who provide maximum contact between babies and parents as early as possible, it is also important to understand that bonding can happen in many different ways, at many different times.

Here are seven easy ways you can begin to deepen your bond with your new baby.

Minimize your other activities. A new baby brings a flurry of activity to parents' already busy lives. There can be lots of visitors and routine daily activities to tend to. These first few weeks and months offer rich opportunities for parents and new babies to get to know each other and to strengthen their bond. Work to cut down activities that aren’t essential. Most will wait for you.
Snuggle with your baby. Babies crave and need touch. It is as important to them as food and oxygen. Let your baby sleep naked on your bare chest. Hold your baby close as your nurse or feed him. Let your baby spend as much time as possible with you, skin-to-skin. Smell your baby and let your baby smell you. This is the way nature intended for us to bond.



Get on baby time and focus on your baby’s cues and signals. Babies move on their own rhythm. Everything is new to them. It takes them time to figure things out. Slowing down so that you can be receptive to your baby’s cues and so that you can teach baby your cues can help build your unique communication system. Figuring out what your baby wants and needs means that you not only pay close attention to her verbal signals, but her non-verbal ones as well.
Observe your baby. As you sit back and watch your baby, you will begin to perceive things about her that don’t necessarily notice in the daily hustle bustle. Watch how she moves, listen to her sounds, notice how she changes from one day to the next. You will begin to see the world from her perspective, which will help your feelings for her and your understanding of her deepen.
Read about babies, talk with other new parents and/or attend a parenting class. If you are inexperienced with babies, or even if you know a lot about babies, it can be helpful to learn about infant development from books, other parents and teachers. Parenting classes or groups can also offer support, companionship and the company of a roomful of other parents who are as obsessed with your baby's every move as you are. And when you're feeling fearful, worried or exhausted, other parents' stories will let you know that you are not alone.
Take time for yourself. All of the time, attention, work and focus required to care for a new baby are exhausting. So is recovering from a cesarean. Most new parents lose themselves in their baby. This can be an important part of the attachment process, but you also need time to rejuvenate yourself. It may be hard to leave your baby even for a short period of time, but if you can get just 30 minutes to yourself regularly, you can recharge your batteries so that you can go back and be ready to enjoy your baby. You might want to take a relaxing bath, write in your journal, organize pictures, read a short story, go on a walk, talk with a friend or get a short massage. If your baby is an unpredictable napper, it can help to have your partner, a relative, a friend or a childcare professional regularly stay with your baby so that you can get a little time away. (As your baby gets older, it will be easier to take a little longer periods away.)
Enjoy the preciousness of these days. Babies are new for such a fleeting period of time. Sometimes when new parents are overwhelmed by the intensity of the learning curve with a new baby, they wish their babies were a little more grown up. But if you talk to anyone with older children, they'll tell you how precious and important these early days are. As best you can, savor them.






Edited by: QUESTHER at: 3/15/2006 (14:17)

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/14/06 1:06 A

By the way all, there was a pretty good article in American Baby this month regarding all of this.
You know the one thing that kept me going in the beginning was just to think of the fun times ahead that I would have with my son. That it's tough right now sure, but things will get better.

Posts: 14224
3/9/06 8:46 A

It is difficult for some in the beginning, I have been there. One way to cope with the "newness" of being a mom is to fin d certain special things that you only do with your daughter. I have had a special song for each of my children. They began to recognize it around 8 weeks and they would start to kick, coo, and smile when they heard it. I had a special book with each of them as well. You will find things that work for you and your situation. Keep at it :)

Posts: 520
3/8/06 7:15 P

I know I'm having a sort of tough time bonding with my baby girl. I know I love her, but I feel overwhelmed at times. It will get better with time. JULYBABY- thanks for directing me to this article. Very imformative.
-Joe'll

Posts: 14224
3/8/06 10:43 A

Women experience so many different emotions with child-birth. It is important to recognize that there is not one "right" way to feel during this emotional (and somtimes stressful) time

Posts: 629
3/7/06 12:30 P

I'm fairly confident that I will have moments when I'm just in awe of this new little person, and other moments when I will sincerely want to throw him or her out the window. I figure as long as I don't actually do it, no harm done.

I've had friends confide everything from the standard, "It'll change your life--I loved him like I've never loved anybody before from the first moment they laid the little bundle in my arms," to, "It was kind of disappointing, actually. The baby just wasn't much fun until six months or so. Of course, she's wonderful now!" From the perspective of the outside observer, though, and, I'm sure from the view of the babies themselves, the folks along that entire range of "bonding experience" were equally good, affectionate, and attentive parents from day one.

Posts: 14224
3/7/06 7:56 A

Does anyone have any particular fears on the subject that they would like to discuss?

Posts: 14224
3/6/06 8:33 P

Baby Bonding Basics

The bonding between you and baby is essential to your baby's healthy development.

The strong attachment you form early on provides baby with the feelings of security and trust they need to grow up confident and well adjusted around other people.

Bonding is a Process

You should realize that bonding is a process. Bonds are built one step at a time. The holding, touching, talking and playing that you do while caring for baby builds into a strong relationship.

An essential method for bonding is "book-sharing". Done properly by following our guide and using our books, "book-sharing" fosters the early give-and-take communication that ensures a strong bond between you and baby.

You can begin bonding with baby by being relaxed and letting it happen. Having a baby can be stressful and surveys show that 40% of mothers don't feel a strong emotional tie until the end of the first week or later. Using Bonding with Baby board books along with your "book-sharing" guide gives you a way to relax and interact with baby.

Being close to baby

The more time you spend being close to baby the better. Breastfeed if possible. Although bottle-fed babies can certainly bond, breastfeeding provides ideal face-to-face and skin-to-skin contact. Whatever method you chose, holding, gentle stroking and talking to baby during feeding will bring you emotionally closer.

Consider a sling-type baby carrier. Babies need to feel secure both physically and emotionally. Many parents find that carrying baby around and outside the home is very comforting for baby.

Frequently take time to just enjoy your baby. Caring for an infant is very demanding, so both you and baby need time to just play together.
Some of the best bonding happens when you're relaxed and having fun. That is why the time to share the right books with baby is so beneficial. Bonding with Baby books were specially designed to help you relax and go into baby's world.

"Book-sharing" helps you bond

"Book-sharing" is one of the best, research-proven techniques for stimulating joyful interaction. More than just reading, you actively share the pictures with baby. It draws you into baby's world, connecting you on an emotional level and will become a favorite bonding activity.

The best books have colorful pictures with no words. Look for stories featuring parents and babies enjoying each other so you both can relate to your favorite times together. Bonding with Baby books are the ideal choice for "book-sharing" with baby.

Posts: 15518
3/6/06 4:43 P

Bump

BabyPoints: 13456
Posts: 956
3/3/06 2:01 P

Well, I have some hope now. I just feel like another statistic at Kaiser right now, in and out, like they assume I really know what's going on. I will be taking the Bradley method and Lamaze classes and am going to try to get a tour as early as possible so I KNOW what to expect. I spent so much time trying to get pregnant or have a baby (adoption), I never thought about what would happen for labor and delievery!

Thanks everyone for your reassureance and hope that it is possible!

Posts: 14224
3/3/06 11:42 A

Swimmommy,
I had all 4 in a hospital and always held and nursed them immediately after birth.

I really admire the honesty of these experiences. I hope that others are finding them to be helpful.

Edited by: QUESTHER at: 3/3/2006 (11:42)

Posts: 3600
3/2/06 3:40 P

Thanks Julybaby, what a beautiful article :-)

Swimmommy-I delivered at a hospital and requested my son be given directly to me even with the cord attached so I could hold him for a while. They were fine with it, let me hold him, and then took him to get cleaned and checked. Talk to your doc/midwife and the hospital you are going to deliver at about that in your birth plan. If they are not open to you holding the baby directly after birth (except in emergencies), maybe switch to a place that would allow it.

Edited by: BLESSED_WITH_2 at: 3/2/2006 (15:43)