Posts: 15
5/14/12 1:02 P

I am a bit worried, and was hoping you could offer some advice/experiences. I have a 21 month old son, and I have such a strong bond and love for him. Our send is due in Sept. We aren't finding out gender, but I am worried it is a girl I might not bond the same with her. I also keep hearing horror stories of how difficult raising a girl can be. Has anyone else ever dealt with this issue, of have any advice? I am probably just being ridiculous, but I keep thinking about it.

Posts: 611
5/14/12 1:23 P

You are a wonderful Mom and you will be for your next child too.

First I will address the "girl" and being worried that girls are harder. I have a 6 month daughter and she is the easiest baby ever. It really just depends on the personality. If your first baby is calm and good natured... if you are calm and good natured... then the next one will most likely be the same. My mother had 3 girls and we were all a breeze. Her sister had boys and they were a nightmare. Just depends on the personality.

Next, don't worry about not bonding with the next one. I want another baby soon... And my mother in law just explained to me the other day how when she was pregnant with her daughter (2nd child) she was worried she wouldn't have enough love to give because she loved her son (my husband-1st child) SO MUCH! She wondered how she could split her love... It really bothered her over the course of her whole pregnancy. But when the next baby came she said her love just grew and she had more than enough love and bonding for the both of them. She regretted ever wondering if she could love the next one as much.

You will have no problem bonding with your next child, boy or girl... when that little perfect baby is born and sleeping on your chest you will have no doubts that love is unmeasurable.

Posts: 6380
5/15/12 7:34 P

I could've written this about 2 years ago. I loved my first (my daughter) so much that I could not imagine ever sharing such a bond with anyone else - especially a boy. When I found out I was having a boy I actually worried and stressed how I would "hide" the fact that I didn't feel the same. But now I know it is so true that a mother's heart has enough room for all of her children and the love for my son is just amazing and I cannot believe I ever doubted I could feel this way. I have my best girl and my best boy and my love for each of them is the most unmeasurable. He is quite the Mommy's boy too which I'll admit I love!
I know when I was pregnant with #2 I just worried about how my daughter might feel slighted, how I could handle both, etc. Trust me - it is the best thing ever to have 2 little loves fighting over your lap! :) Also to watch the bond between them just melts my heart. They adore each other.

Edited by: MAMAVANX2 at: 5/15/2012 (19:42)

Posts: 5460
5/16/12 10:08 A

It's normal to worry about these things. To be honest I had an easier time bonding the second time around. I was a little more easy going and didn't worry about nearly as much as far as day to day care goes. I also had more confidence as a mom, I had a happy healthy 2yr old to prove that I could do it. For me having a girl has been 10x easier than a boy but my son was a high needs baby while my daughter is less high needs. She's definitely more dramatic than my son ever was but she also listens better which I suppose evens it out. I don't think raising her has been any easier or harder, it's just different and I think that would be the same even if they were both boys or both girls.

You will have a different bond with your second than you do with your first but the bond will be there. It's also good to keep in mind that it's ok to not feel an instant bond, sometimes it takes time to get to know eachother and build the bond. You will have a protective motherly bond but the love sometimes grows with time and that's ok too. I had a bond that grew with my first and an instant one with my second. They will be different people and you will bond and care for them differently in a unique way that's perfect for each of them.

Posts: 321
5/16/12 10:12 A

Someone once told me that a mother's love is not divided between her children...it is multiplied! And I couldn't agree more! I was in the same boat as you when I found out my 2nd was a boy...how do you love a boy after loving a girl? But yes, the moment they laid him on my tummy and I saw such a resemblence to his big sister and his sweet little fingers and nose....I knew I would not struggle to love him. Good luck!

Posts: 15
5/17/12 12:08 P

Thank you all so much for your comments! I feel much better knowing I am not crazy for feeling this way, and I'm sure I will have nothing to worry about when the time comes for Baby #2 to arrive. I truely appreciate all your feedback, and am happy to hear you all have special bonds with your children, boys or girls! :)

Posts: 4996
5/17/12 7:14 P

My son was the perfect baby. He slept through the night at 10wks, he listened really well, he hardly cried and it was always quiet. We had a great connection - I was so worried I could not love a baby as much as him, and my son would be my favorite and I in turn would inadvertantly favor my son, and my second child would see it.

And my daughter was born, and everything is so very different between the two of them. I have successfully nursed with her - I had the natural child birth. She doesn't still at 19mo sleep through the night. She cries often and for no reason! and its always loud! For a while there she was potty training early - my son was late to potty train! They are so very different, but I love her so much as well!

I also had leaned towards having 2 boys, but was just as content with one of each. Recently a clerk told me how its the daughters you have stronger bonds with when they grow up. And I thought - you know she is probably right - most men I know become distant with their families when they grow up as an adult - its the women who usually stick close to the family and show them they are loved. so if you do have a girl - you could have that to look forward to as well.

Posts: 64
5/20/12 4:19 P

I think this is such a common thought among moms... but no one wants to admit it. I had twins the first time around, and they were the easiest babies you could imagine. And four years later, I found out I was pregnant again. I thought "how could I love this baby as much as I love these girls." Well, as Dr. Phil stated so eloquently on one show, "you have different bank accounts that you withdraw your love." It did not make any sense the first time I heard it, but it is absolutely true. You love all your children, and there is always enough to go around. I hope you, too, find this to be true.

Posts: 130
5/21/12 12:11 P

I feel very different and very similar at the same time,lol. I also felt that I may not love this one as much as I love my son and that the new child would sense it. But at the same time I didn't have that instant bond with my son when I gave birth. I heard so many stories that you love them as soon as they come out but instead honestly I felt awkward. I was so confused and felt guilty for not having that instant crazy love for my child. I wanted to breast feed and did and as I did I ended up feeling that love before we even left the hospital. I grew so close in such a short time and it just happened. As someone else posted I think I will probably feel that instantaneous love for the 2nd child (baby girl) because I know now that your children are the biggest joys you can ever have in the world. Once they are in your life you can't picture your life without them so I am not longer worried.

Now I am just worried that I will have one more to worry about :) LOL

Posts: 5
5/31/12 1:59 P

Sooo normal! I was in the same boat..my oldest son was about the same age when I was expecting my second child, anf I. too. didn't find out the gender until birth. I used to agonize over the thought of not being able to love my second child as much as my first. I loved my son so very much,it just didn't seem possible to have enough love to share with more children! It was literally as easy as seeing her when she was born..and I instantly knew I had more then enough love.I remember thinking, "oh, never mind, I'm over it"! I have both girls and boys, and all though every child and expirience is different..I have not had any horror stories or difficulty with my daughters at all at any stage. They are different then boys, but I wouldn't say worse at all. Good luck!

Posts: 4
6/16/12 11:35 P

I'm having a 2nd child and its a other girl.my oldest is a girl and she will be 4 next month she happy about having a little sister I just don't want her to think that I'm going to love the new baby more than her.is there anybody that can tel me how to make sure that don't happen?

Posts: 1
6/18/12 1:20 P

A few weeks before I had my 2nd child I bought some books for my daughter and I to read.... no any books! they are about pregnancy and a new baby. They show how mummy has a big belly and needs checks with the doctor, how the baby's room needs preparing, how new baby (and sometimes the other child too!) will get presents... the other book shows that the small baby will cry, need feeding and changing but mummy will read stories and sing and go out for walks with both kids.

She loves the images of the "old" girl cuddling the baby and asks for her to hold her little brother.

The most important thing is to get the older children understand that there will be a new baby in the house to share mummy and daddy with. And once the new baby has arrived make sure you make a few minutes every day to have quality time with both your kids at separate time!

All the best...

Posts: 3153
6/19/12 10:49 A

Try to spend alot of time with the older one...My son was 17 months old when josh was born...and evertime he nursed, I had tyler right next to me and I'd read to him and we'd sing songs...so he never felt left out. I also had Tyler and Joshua time...where I'd put the baby down on the floor and tyler was given time to interact with the baby...yes there were times tyler would take a swing at the baby or try to poke his eyes...lol but as long as its safe let these interactions take place...its important for the siblings to bond...

I also use to take walks with tyler and leave josh behind with dh...this gave time for me to still spend time with my older one and daddy got to bond with the baby...and vice versa...let someone spend time with the older one and make sure you get some alone time with the baby...

I also did alot of skin to skin contact with the baby:)

Posts: 3002
6/20/12 3:59 P

I think every mom with more than 1 feels like this with the second one on the way. I felt the same way. Now I vcan say that I appreciate each child for their uniqueness and feel close to both of them. I do admit, though, that some things are more charming the first time around. i was more careful of 'milestones', for example, the first time than the second but on the other hand, Im not worried as much as I was the first time around.

You'll love the second just as much - trust me!