Posts: 182
8/1/12 9:13 A

JBKB- I am glad you are doing better. Thank you for the encouragement. Congrats on it being a girl! I am going to start the journalising thing and see how that goes. Best of luck!

Posts: 3
8/1/12 7:05 A

Thank you ABDOSMOM, M2C and QUINTERO-MARTIN for replying. I've been trying to reply back for the past couple of weeks but I couldn't on my phone for some reason, so I finally have a chance to do it via my computer.
1)I did speak to my Provider, we have decided to hold of on medications at this time because of #2
2) We had our US, and found out that we are having a girl just prior to my PN appt. This alone I feel has made it easier to bond as I'm no longer referring to the baby as "it" or "the baby". I can now refer to the baby as "her" or by her name.
3) I had a 2 week vacation from both jobs and although I did a lot around the house I spent a lot of time doing pregnancy related things and spending time w/my husband. Having that break has also done wonders for my spirit. I am now back to my 50+ hr work weeks but being able to refer to the baby by gender/name and feeling move (she started kicking at 22.3, my husband hasn't felt her yet as she either kicks too lightly for him to feel or stops kicking when he places his hand on my belly,) is helping.
4) while on vacation my husband and I discussed what things we would like to do w/her, etc (but we haven't discussed discipline yet...) as that was one thing that my therapist had recommended.
5)I also have found "my person"--this was something I wanted to do very early on in my pregnancy but it was weird to ask for it outside of the immediate family but a coworker has graciously offered. This is the person that I can call whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed after delivery and she will help keep me sane. I wanted a person that I could do this w/given my quick temper, etc and this coworker knows me very well. This has also helped ease my mind.
6)I want to try reading to the baby, but I haven't decided/don't know if I should start w/a baby book or one of the ones I've been trying to get to forever, and it's a little weird to read aloud, even in my own house.
7) QUINTERO-MARTIN: quitting smoking can be hard. I give you credit for trying for the health of the baby while you undergo so many physical/mental/emotional changes at the same time. There will be a point when the pregnancy is "more real"--mine was the US as I mentioned in #2. For some it is hearing the heartbeat, others it can be the first kick. For others it is when they hold their child. I also give you credit for working through your emotions--and try the tips the others suggested for me--reading/journaling and talking to the baby as well as spending time may work for you.

Hope you all have a good, safe, healthy pregnancy and a happy parenthood!

Posts: 182
7/31/12 4:52 P

JBK-- I am dealing with a similar situation. I am still in that, it's not real phase. It's my first and I just now got over the, oh crap I can't do anything! I am still struggling to quit smoking but its hard because I don't want to. I am only doing it for the baby, yet I can't see the baby, feel the baby or anything. I was really really depressed at first and am just now getting a lil better. I bought tons of books for the kid and keep talking about it trying to get more excited. It's a weird feeling, almost like it's not happening and your not yourself. Just watching yourself go through it. My SO is soo happy and excited and I am more stressing than anything. I can tell it's getting better though. So keep your head up we will get through it and wake up one day amazed I am sure. HUGZ

Posts: 4996
7/27/12 1:28 P

Bonding things I've done with my baby in utero - found a song for my baby, and tried to listen to it when i could. Maybe you can find some song that connects to what you are feeling and/or want to be feeling.

I read to my baby. Starting at 20 or 22wks I forget - baby can begin to hear outside the womb. I read a chapter of chronicles of narnia each night - outloud. I'd sometimes rub my belly while doing so.

Rubbing your baby, talking to your baby -I'd talk to my baby in my head as well - afterall we share the same body - share your thoughts with your baby. Tell your baby what you want to feel and what you hope life will be like when you meet him or her. Tell him/her your fears, your dreams, things you hope to share/teach/learn. Write a journal for him or her. If you were to pass away one day, what important lessons/values would you want to make sure your baby learned from you. What traditions, activities would you want your baby to know about you - so baby could always have a connection with you even if you aren't there. There was a girl on here who had cancer, her baby was 2 or 3 when she passed - but knowing time was short she did videos and journals - to always keep that connection. I vowed - but have not kept my vow, to keep a journal just for my babies. I did it with my first but haven't with my second. I need to get back on that. But I think this will help you with bonding as well.

One thing about meds - the brain operates your entire body - if it gets sick like any other part of your body can get sick - why not treat it- like you would other parts of your body - if you don't treat it the rest of your body suffers too. Meds - don't need to be the go all. In fact - good medication can be good sleep habits, eating good food - healthy food is great medicine, and exercise - these do great for the body.

Edited by: ---M2C--- at: 7/27/2012 (13:31)

Posts: 1404
7/27/12 3:56 A

I'm scared for you to be quite honest. Your post sounds so much like my experience with my last baby I did not bond in the pregnancy and I tried so many things. I was like you a quick temper, and realistic about all things and worried about finances. I did not take medication to prevent ppd and prenatal depression and I ended up haveing a mental breakdown and lost my baby for a short time. he was returned eventually thanks to my wonderful dh. But it would not have happened if I was proactive and started taking medication before the birth. I urge you since you recognize your feelings now to start pharmaceutical medication right away now. I don't mean to push you and I am really against telling people they need to take medication because its really a personal choice BUT your story sounds almost exactly like mine and I feel for you a lot and I do not want the same thing to happen to you!! IT is a heartbreaking. I still have guilt and anxiety over doing that to my baby and what happened to him. Also, I breastfed him and that just accelerated the breakdown because of all the body changes it can do and the toll it takes. so PLEASE take some soon. from the bottom of my heart I hope your baby does not suffer like mine did.

Posts: 3
7/2/12 8:19 P

My Bonding question is a little different--I will be 20 wks on Wednesday. I have spoken to my Mental health counselor and some co-workers but not to my husband about my following question. I've heard the heartbeat but did not experience any new emotion w/it. I haven't felt the baby move yet (and it is still sorta early--it's my first) but I don't feel that I'm bonding w/the child inside of me. I am concerned only because I am aware that my history of depression puts me at greater risk for PP depression and this can make bonding harder. I'm planning to breastfeed, but honestly right now I feel like I am more going through the motions of being pregnant. My therapist thinks it might be because I'm very realistic about things--very matter of fact or that I'm scared (financially I am overwhelmed with the timing, and I'm afraid that I won't be a good parent--not that I won't do a good job but I know that I have a temper that flares quite quickly and I'm concerned about that--my Mom had the same issue but she wasn't aware of it until she had my older brother) or that I'm protecting myself from loss that comes w/the changes in life due to the pregnancy (and this could be true as 10 years ago my Step-Dad who was the essence of "Daddy" to me died). One of my coworkers said that I haven't given myself time to bond--or reflect on being pregnant--and this is true to an extent as I definitely don't see my pregnancy as a limitation or disability and thus haven't reduced my work hours at all (I work about 50 hrs/wk b/t my full time and part time jobs) and don't plan to unless my provider tells me to. I haven't approached this w/my husband yet (I am planning to this week while we are on vacation, but mostly because I'm bringing it up at my appt next week and don't want to surprise him there) because when I was depressed before he said I wasn't--I am not the stereotypical depressed person. I am fully functional but I get angry/irritable much quicker. I was on pharmaceutical meds for awhile but he didn't support me on them so I found an herbal that worked similarly and well for me and he was ok with that. He's not antimedication, and is ok w/me seeing the therapist. My therapist suggested a couple of things to try during the next 6 wks until my next appt such as talking to the baby and spending quiet time w/just my husband and discussing what we loved about our respective childhoods and what we would like to do with our child. I think this might work but my husband isn't much of a talker so I'm not sure about the latter. Does anyone have any other suggestions for bonding prior to birth? I'm really concerned that if I don't bond now it will be so much harder later on. (BTW--a lot of people have said I will bond once the baby starts moving, but given the way I have so far emotionally reacted to being pregnant, I doubt it). Thanks, and apologies for the length of the post!

Posts: 2649
4/4/06 4:27 P

I haven't become a mother yet but I know what it's like to be a child of a mother that never felt like she bonded with me, and trust me it's only been in the last 2 years and I'm 22 years old now. All my life I wondered what I did wrong to her for her to treat me the way she did, why she seems to love my brother more and it was all based on me being a newborn. My birth (her second at 21 with a 13 month baby already) was longer and I had really really bad colic. Even now when I look at our relationship I wonder how could she do this to her first born daughter?? It made me mad for years, so upset that I moved out at 15 lived a mile away from her and probably called her 10 times in a 5 year period. I went for over a year once not calling her. Now I've come to the realization that she had serious post partum depression and it wasn't my fault, it was something that she needed to get help for but I suffered from it. I'm not putting anyone down I think it's great that you admit to it, it helps you. But know how it makes the child feel all grown up and about to be a mother herself. I vow that I will not do the things that she did.

Posts: 522
3/31/06 3:31 P

RCGUSTAFSONUK,

The transition to motherhood does't come easily and I know I found it overwhelming for the first few weeks, too. If you have somekind of support system take advantage of their willingness to help and make time for yourself. And believe me, it DOES get better!!

Posts: 16825
3/31/06 11:15 A

It is so tough having so many mixed feelings. and as mothers we have to beat ourselves up for any moment of "weakness". Sleep deprivation is difficult to smile through. I know there were mornings after being up all night I just wanted someone to take her long enough so that I could sleep and it was never as long as I needed. You just have to realize that we aren't supposed to be super women. I mean technically mothers are, but we don't have to be perfectly happy all the time. Of course you love your baby!! I'm glad this article helped you.

Posts: 333
3/31/06 10:44 A

I am so happy to see this thread. My son is 12 days old and I am really struggling. It doesn't feel like he's mine. It feels like an obligation and a chore to take care of him. Yesterday I was with some other moms and the thought actually occured to me that I could leave him there with them. I was so tired I just wanted to go home and sleep. Then I spent the rest of the day crying because I felt so guilty for thinking such a horrible thing. Today was a better day than yesterday. Hopefully with time, over the next few weeks, we'll grow to know each other and get bonded.

BabyPoints: 6762
Posts: 1842
3/23/06 8:25 P

Mrs-Mama
You are in no way horrible. I went through the same exact thing. I often say to my husband that I feel horrible because I spent the first month of my son's life crying and not wanting to hold and cuddle him as much as I feel I should have. I had a horrible time breastfeeding. He bloodied my nipples, took a chunk of flesh out of one and always seemed hungry. I had nurses come to the house - I saw lactation consulations you name it but nothing helped. I would literally feed him and hand him over and not really want anything to do with him until the next time I had to feed. I would live in fear of that moment when I would once again have to try to put his mouth on my breasts and the pain that I would have to endure. For 3 weeks I think I cried through almost every feeding. It was horrible. I finally sat down with my husband and he flat out told me if I was going to go in that way that I should just resign myslef to feeding my child formula or I should start pumping. I did both. I went out and got a pump and gave him formula when I couldn't get enough out. After 3 days I notices a vast change in myself. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to cuddle with him. I wanted to play with him. After 3 days my nipples also felt somewhat better....not 100%...so i started putting him back on the breast a few feedings per day and pumping for the remainder.

6 weeks after his birth I am finally healed and can feed him from the breast without any blood. When I decided that I wasn't a horrible mom for giving my son formula is when I also realized that the bonding time is far more important than beating myslef up. Luckily I was able to get him back to nursing but he still gets one bottle of formula - in the middle of the night. We need to stop beating ourselves up. Nursing does not work for everyone. My son still takes an hour to eat each time and he still pulls my nipples in every which direction and can't stay latched on for more than 2 minutes. The only reason I can handle it I think is cause my nipples have toughened up and I just don't feel it as much now. The minute I get an indication though that he is not getting enough to eat I will put him on formula and not feel as though I am a horrible mother. Better to have a happy, fed baby rather than my principles.

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/23/06 8:11 P

Mama2lola,
I think it's hard for anyone to admit that they don't feel that "instant love" for their baby. I know it's hard for me to admit to people that.
I once told my husband in a moment of anger that I actually loved my Jeep Grand Cherokee more than our son. Sad but true.

Posts: 3080
3/23/06 6:23 P

tamtbell - your post made me feel so much better!
Lorelei has been such a difficult baby. She had colic and nursing issues. I stopped nursing because it was making me hate her. Can I say that without people thinking I am a horrible mother?? I pumped for her for nine weeks and this made our relationship a lot better but I still felt like she was a chore until she was about 4 or 5 weeks old. I stopped pumping a month ago and keep yo-yoing back and forth about trying to re-lactate and nurse again. I get so determined and then I remember how HORRIBLE it was for us and decide we should stick to bottles. She is more playful and cuddly now, and her colic is almost gone, so it seems like we are FINALLY bonding like we should be. I have never let her be hungry, wet, cold, or even let her cry for very long but somehow i feel like if only i had been nursing her all this time i would love her more, or she would love me more. Most of the time I think SHE hates me and isn't bonded to ME. But I guess that is silly
Everyone's post have helped me realise that what i'm feeling is normal. I do LOVE my baby but it is ok to be tired and overwhelmed sometimes. It is also ok that life isn't a fairy tale . . . love can sneak up on you, it doesn't HAVE to take your breath away all at once.

BabyPoints: 9899
Posts: 2871
3/23/06 5:55 P

You know the time I realized I was starting to love DS was when my FIL kept pushing the issue that he wanted to see "HIS grandson". It was amazing how protective I felt over Nick. Those maternal feelings take some getting used to.

Posts: 15125
3/20/06 3:40 P

I always missed feeling the baby's movements. It is a special thing that can only be experienced between the Mom and Baby.

Posts: 16825
3/18/06 11:37 A

I felt that way a little while after Mediah's birth. I do remember most of it. But I just missed that whole time near the end of excitement and having her in me. I had a great birth but was also so nervous the whole time that I didn't get to come out of my world more than I wanted, especially near the end. I was just so focused on pushing her out that I didn
t want to see her being born. and afterwards I was so mad that I missed that moment. I always tell my girlfriends to treasure those last days the baby is in you like nothing else. It really is the last time it will ever be that easy to protect and take care of your baby. Of course your situation is differnt with the swelling. But I think its normal to want some of that back.