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Husband watching porn

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SYLVEN
Posts: 284
11/17/08 4:02 P

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I wish you all the best after this trying experience.

Edited by: SYLVEN at: 11/17/2008 (16:06)

HOPEFUL817
Posts: 1627
11/13/08 2:16 P

 
 
Glad to see this is finally getting addressed and he is in counseling. If I were you, I would have left long ago and never looked back.

How has your son coped through all this moving back and forth, nights where you went to a hotel by yourself, etc?

KLIGHT
Posts: 132
11/13/08 1:17 P

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I realize how much of struggle you must be going through. I will keep you in my prayers, and I only hope things will get better for you.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

ALLYDUENOV11
Posts: 1
11/13/08 3:31 A

 
 
JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU ALL AN UPDATE ON THIS SUBJECT. MY HUSBAND IS NOW GOING TO COUNSELLING TO STOP WATCHING PORN AFTER I SMASHED HIS LAPTOP AND LEFT HIM ON OCT 15/2008

WE ARE BACK TOGETHER NOVEMBER 12-2008
IT HAS BEEN OVER THREE YEARS SINCE I POSTED THIS ON THE MESSAGE BOARD.

tHIS IS THE LETTER I WROTE TO HIM

DEAR JASON.
I wanted to write this so you know and can take with you to your counsellor -for myside of the story. As he is a man . I would think he has no understanding on the topic/

So it began in summer 2005. i suffered major depression from discovering you were like this. Broke my heart.

then after OUR SON was born. i stopped breastfeeding when he was 3 months old so i could go on a diet and look good for you. = march 2006

in april 2006 i went to a stripclub with nic because my obession grew. then i took aerobics stiptease and danced for you. you were not interested and told me to stop. I thought this would make you stop. Then I started making home videos. again thinking this would make you stop. you looked at them once. Both the striptease lessons and videos you rejected making me feel ugly.

i continue to obessess about you and porn and my mind eroded.

in the summer of 2006 i couldn't take it anymore and i left to texas. you called me back because you were sick with mono commonly referred to as the kissing disease. i got tested and did not have it.

When i was in texas i dressed up like a hooker and went to a bar and told a guy i was a stripper.because i was researching the subject. i never told you this as i was too embarrased.

in fall 2006 my jealously developed and worsened. we had several fights.

in 2006 i began to feel suicidally depressed and began taking bottles of diet pills in one sitting.

as well as taking 30-60 pills of ephedrine daily.

for our anniversary you bought me a book ON ROMANCE from the porn store and later i found out a blonde porn movie

dumb blonde

in january 2007 i began going to counselling for my obession with you watching porn and my terrible jealously

i went three days a week for six months until june 2007

you continued to buy porn making me feel undesiable and making me think you want to be with other women.
PLASTIC SURGEON
in august 2007 i went to A PLASTIC SURGEN and paid him $100. he is a plastic surgeon. i told him i wanted breast implants so i would look like a porn star and you would desire me more. i went in the room to pick the size . this was confusing and he gave me some websites to help me decide what size to get. when i was in the room deciding what size to get. i looked at myself in the mirror and saw that i already had sexy breast SIZE 38C- and i thought most men would be happy with me cuz i already look fantastic and sexy- but sadly i thought not good enough for you.

later of course i realized i was insane to do this. but this is how low my self esteem became and still is.

in 2007 the fights continued and i ran away several times and slept in hotels alone.
COMFORT ME- NEVER
i always asked you to just give me hugs kisses and compliments. you can never do this. all you ever do is push me away and make me feel suicidal.

OCTOBER 15-2008

I WATCH THE VIDEO OF SASSY SELENA AND THE 18 YEAR OLD BLOW JOB. I DECIDE TO LEAVE YOU FOR MY OWN SANITY. YOU BEG ME TO COME BACK. I ONLY COME BACK BECAUSE YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO CHERISH ME AND YOU HAVE BEEN SO STUPID. OVER THREE YEARS LATER.

WHY? AS I WROTE IN MY EMAIL TO YOU IN SUMMER 2005 YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR DICK THAN ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND HOW IT HURTS ME SO MUCH WHEN YOU LOOK AT PORN - HOW IT HAS SLOWLY ERODED AND DESTROYED ME AND OUR MARRIAGE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.


KUBSAU
Posts: 1
3/12/07 8:37 A

 
 
Hello!
I just saw your heading, and read your entry only...so I haven't read all the other advice yet...but this is what I felt when I read your post. My heart goes out to you! That is such a hard thing to understand and forgive. I am a christian also. Firstly, pornography is definitely a part of adultery, and a tool Satan uses in this world big time. The thing that came to my mind with him though is that it is an addiction. Therefore, that doesn't mean he isn't happy and satisfied with just you...it is just a plain addiction and like any addiction is going to take a lot of self mastery and willpower to conquer. He probably hates it himself that he watches it. So please don't think horribly of yourself...and him for that matter also. Think of it as an addiction just like alcohal or drugs or over eating or any kind of behavior out of the norm. We all have them...and those are our weaknesses.

Secondly, we are all put through trials on this earth so we can humble ourselves and become more Christlike through the growth we learn through them, and then are able to progress ourselves as individuals and become stronger. Right now...you cannot get through this alone. Therefore, you NEED your Savior more than ever, and this has humbled you. Turn to Him for help, guidance, answers, comfort, strength, etc. through prayer. Prayer is such a mighty tool we are given to communicate to our God. Just as we might slowly lose touch with our friends, if we don't pray, we lose our relationship and oneness with God. I don't think you could ever pray too much!!! :) God would have answers better than anyone on this earth. He hears our prayers, and He is right there to help guide you through this...and your husband.

Talk to your husband. Be calm and loving as you do it. Let him know it is VERY hard for you to understand, but tell him you know it is an addiction and deep down something he knows he doesn't want to do. Explain to him how it hurts you so much and how it hurts your marriage and the trust and faithfulness you two could have. Explain to him how you want to feel you have a relationship that is truly two coming into one...and that pornography tears that apart. Explain to him your heart. Pray first to get guidance within your conversation. Be ready to accept his answers. He will probably get defensive and contentious...but stay calm and unoffended.

I wish I could help you more!!! The biggest thing I can say (cause it is all that helps me through my trials) is pray, pray, pray, and then be guided by the spirit of God. I'm only talking all religious because you said you are a Christian, so I hope you agree and find strength and comfort and guidance in my words!

But please remember...it isn't because of anything you aren't!!!!! He has probably had this addiction for years, and if so...no matter how much he loved you, it is going to be very hard to conquer...not because he loves you less, but because it is an addiction. Don't feel down with yourself and who you are. I know you can get through this! I pray he wants to change his ways and start putting the most important things in his life first! Thinking of you! Stay optimistic and happy! God is right there to be your strength!!!


SELENAS
Posts: 1
3/4/07 5:12 P

 
 
Hi,
I am a committed christian and I know that what you are going through will be very hard, and may take a long time to conquer. What I think you need to realise is that when men look at pornography they are overcome by a SPIRIT of LUST. If you look at it that way you will realise that it is not really your husband that is looking at the porn, but the spirit inside of him that is causing him to do it. This kind of battle can only be conquered through prayer. You need to get a prayer partner, that will pray for you and your husband daily. You need to pray over the computer, his pillow, his bed, and anywhere else he regularly goes. You need to bind and break the spirit of lust that is upon him in Jesus' name, you also need to offer your forgivness to him, everytime you feel the pain rise up again, and ask God to help the pain to go away. It won't be easy, but eventually the pain WILL leave, your husband WILL get better, and your family WILL flourish. The devil is very good at finding peoples weeknesess and using it against them, we need to realise these weeknesess and pray over them and keep ourselves safe. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man and God is faithful he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Your husband can get through this you just need to pray for God to give him the desire to get through it.
Pornography is very easy to get addicted to, and even just seeing it once can cause an addiction. His parents or grandparents may also struggle with this, if they do you are dealing with a generational curse and it means it will be extra strong. You need to deal with this through extra strong prayer.
Remember also in Matthew 6:14-15 it says if you do not forgive others you will not be forgiven by God, which is a very scary thought really.
God hates divorce, so I don't think that is an option. In saying that if your husband abuses you, you can stay married but move away. You do have to protect your child but the best place for him to be is with you and your husband together. Your husbands addiction will affect your child so telling him (your husband) about the ways it will affect his child may help. Also let him know that the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love God first and then love their mother. I know that some of what I have said may sound really strange to some of you but it is all biblical, I hope that you will give this a go, and let God help you get through this, it will only be conquered with his help.
Bless you

CATE31785
Posts: 482
2/26/07 7:56 A

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I am so sorry. With my first husband he did the same thing porn, email, chat lines and then did it behind my back and then when our son was born we was 8 months old and he left me for a nother woman saying that our son ruined our marraige and I needed to lose weight. I was mortified about being a single mom and young I was only 20. Anyways, Then he married another women 6months after our divorce and had a baby with her a year later and I have my self a new man I will never let go. She looks like shes on drugs and is the size of a tooth pick and she looks like shes 12 years old, just my input. Hes got to give up the porm honestly its one thing when you watch a movie together and its got sexual romance together. Porn is another story. It can ruin relationships. my ex did the same thing and I didn't think he was going to leave me. but now that hes not my husband and I have a new husband I am so much happier and I have gotten father in life of what i wanted alot more than if I would of stayed with him. Talk to your DH and tell him how you feel. Honestly.. if he cares he will quit. Have him throw them in the trash or sell them. This is just my opinion of how I honestly feel.

Hope this helps of what i went through.

Cate

By the way you look fabulous for having 4 kids. One hott mama! LOL!

Edited by: CATE31785 at: 2/26/2007 (07:57)


I have a almost 3 year old son Alex. Can't wait to try again!

Alex DS 06/01/2004
BABY # 2 m/c 04/12/2007

Can't wait to have another one. Please dear lord help this baby stick with us!

" We go in life only knowing what is handed to us, its how to deal with what makes a life a path."

When hard times are near, listen to your heart on which path is the most heart remembering and consious thing to do.

ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
2/24/07 11:25 P

 
 
I am going to see a counsellor now, because now I am sufferring from extreme jealously. It all started from him watching porn. Our relationship has basically been ruined by porn. I have so much anger towards him. The other night we watched smokin aces and there was a scene with ten hookers lying around the penthouse nude. I asked him if he thought that was degrading to women? He said of course. Yet,... It is hard for me to have sex with him. I think he is always wishing for someone with a better body or something. I feel so inadequate. I am jealous he is going to have an affair with one of his coworkers.

tHESE ARE THE RESULTS OF MY JEALOUSLY EXERCISES, THEY MAY HELP YOU WITH PORN JEALOUSLY
painful thought associated with your jealousy: that Iím screwing up our relationship. That you are going to leave me. Does it hurt you to know that your husband had a wonderful time with someone else, and you were excluded? YES Do you feel humiliated because your husband has flirted all night with a stunning woman, and everyone at the party saw it?YES Or do you feel terrible pain of loss because you know you have lost your mate's love and the relationship? YES

People who don't bother to clarify what hurts them most can respond to a trivial incident as if they have lost the relationship
Once you've identified the focus of your jealousy, you need to figure out why you are responding the way you are. FEAR OF LOSS IN MY MAIN FOCUS, FEELING EXCLUDED. Is it a result of your sensitivity to the subject, YES or a result of a real threat to the relationship? YES After you've clarified for yourself what exactly you are experiencing and why, you can proceed to examine your different options for coping.
I AM EXPERIENCING ANGER AND DEPRESSION GUILT AND NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. IAM EXPERIENCE OBSESSING OVER THE FEAR THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE ME. I AM DAMNED IF I SAY ANYTHING=BECAUSE I DRIVE YOU AWAY AND DAMNED IF I DONíT BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL BE STOLEN AWAY. WHY? BECAUSE I SEE YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH WOMEN. AND ALL THE ON THE REASONS I MENTIONED . THAT YOU DONíT APPEAR TO NEED ME OR LIKE ME OR THAT YOU DONíT LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND YOU DONíT SHARE WITH ME ANYTHING.
First, you are asked to make a list of the things that cause you jealousy and rank them according to the amount of jealousy they trigger in you
1. JASON TALKING TO A PRETTY WOMAN
2. JASON TALKING TO A WOMAN
3. JASON ENJOYING HIMSELF WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
4. JASON LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN
5. OTHER WOMAN TRYING TO TALK TO JASON
6. JASON SPENDING TIME WITH A WOMAN WITHOUT ME THERE
7. JASON FANTASYING ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN
8. JASON NOT FANTASYING ABOUT ME EVER
9. JASON TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
10. JASON NOT BEING ATTRACD TO ME
11. JASON GIVING UP ON ME
12. JASON HATING ME
13. JASON NOT TALKING TO ME
14. JASON IGNORING ME
15. JASON SNAPPING AT ME
involves revisiting your most intense experience of jealousy.
MY MOST INTENSE EXPERIENCE OF JEALOUSLY IS IMAGINING JASON STARING AT ANOTHER WOMAN AND FLIRTAOUSLY SMILE AND EXCHANGING EYE CONTACT AND FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
ACTUAL EXPERIENCE, JASON PLAYING IN A BAND Ė BECAUSE WOMAN ARE LOOKING AT HIM. AND THAT MAY LEAD TO AN AFFAIR.

Now flip through the pages of your personal history book until you reach the incident that triggered your most extreme jealousy. Try to remember as many details as you can about it. Who were the people involved? How did they look? What exactly happened? When? Where? What did you do in response? Don't try to escape the pain, the rage, the panic. Let them flood you. Stay with the pain for a minute, then take a deep breath, slowly bring your mind back to the present and sit up.
Jason telling me he was playing in the band again at the lakeshore restaurant. I responded by letting him know I couldnít handle it. Him saying he didnít care and will do whatever he wants. Then me wanting to numb my pain with alcohol. Then me obsessing about it every since. My whole mood intensely changed. I felt unbelievably sad. I felt I couldnít control my mood. I felt I wasnít thinking straight. I was like a nuclear bomb going off and I had to run and hide.
What do you do? How do you respond this time? The same way you responded originally (because the experience taught you so much, despite the pain), or differently (the way you wished so many times you would have responded--cool, gracious, in complete control of yourself and of the situation)?

I would try to control my anger and hide it from Jason. I would feel better if I didnít have a fight with Jason. I would know that Jason loves me and I would preferred to just have a drink and calm my nerves. Then try to get Jason to reassure me he loves me and wonít leave and explain that by him joining a band. It doesnít mean he is going to have an affair. That he will be conscious of not looking at woman, that he will not drink alcohol. That he will make an effort not to speak romantically or touch a woman. That he loves me and would not cheat on me. That he would be able to resist the temptations of an evil wicked temptress. That he is stronger than my Dad. That he wonít leave like when I was a little girl crying in my bed at Christmas time wishing my Dad was there.
Another version of implosion therapy is the "Dutch Cow" technique, in which the husband of a jealous wife, for instance, is instructed to call her every hour. This means that the wife must tell her husband where she would be every hour so he will know where to call her. (The technique is nicknamed "dutch cow" because the calls serve the same function as the bells the cows carry around their necks.) Eventually, it is hoped that the connection between the husband's absence and jealousy will be replaced with a connection between his phone calls and annoyance.
addition, behaving in a non-jealous manner is likely to evoke a more favorable response from the non-jealous partner. As systems therapists note, jealous behavior, with its attendant demands--interrogation, whining, and fault-finding--usually evokes a negative reaction from the partner. By behaving more reasonably and positively toward the partner, despite feelings to the contrary, couples can reverse their downward spiral of interaction
The counterpart of the pretend technique is called "turning the tables," in which the non-jealous partner is instructed to act the part of the jealous partner.

Working it out together
In both the "pretend" and the "turning the tables" techniques, one spouse is instructed to behave differently (more like the other spouse) as a way of changing the dynamics surrounding a jealousy problem. The following exercise is aimed at getting both mates to work on a jealousy problem together
Each of you will need three sheets of paper for this exercise. On top of the first page, write: "Behaviors that trigger my jealousy"
1. You not filling me in on how you spent your day
2. You not acting loving towards me
3. You snapping at me, like you donít like being with me.
4. You not making an effort to talk to me, but just playing poker all night long. Making me feel ignored. That you donít need me. That it wouldnít make a difference if I was here or not.
5. You not giving me any sympathy Ė like when I told you I canít handle you joining the band. You donít say honey, I know you are in pain and upset. How can I make you feel better.
6. When we fight, I feel all is loss
7. When you go out of town by yourself
8. When you go out in the evening by yourself
9. when you look at other women.
10. When another attractive woman is looking or talking to you.
11. When you donít kiss me good bye
12. When you donít hug me and give me affection.
13. When you donít make me feel special and make me happy Ėthis doesnít seem to happen you often lately
14. When you get mad at me
15. When you look at girls in bikiniís on the computer
16. When I feel hopeless and not good enough for you.

The needs at the base of my jealousy

1. I need to feel that you love me
2. I need to feel needed by you
3. I need to feel included, not excluded
4. I need to feel wanted and loved
5. I need a hug, affections and warmth.
6. I need reassurance that our relationship is not going to end.
7. I need reassurance.
8. I need to know that will all my flaws and all that Iíve done wrong or ever do wrong you will still aways love me.
9. that you will always love me and always be there
10. I need companionship and sharing

Wishes
1. I wish you looked me in the eye and gentle tell me that you really do still love me.Daily.
2. I wish you would run to me and get excited about that Iím talking to you and that you are happy to be with me.
3. I wish you are always faithful
4. I wish you would not pay attention to other women
5. I wish that you made me feel special and loved.
6. Tell me I can trust you
7. Tell me I am pretty
8. Tell me you thing I am smart.
9. Tell me what you like about me
10. I wish that you to buy me roses regularly
11. I wish that you write me a long love letter
12. I wish that you would sing me the song you wrote for me
13. I wish I could record that song and play it back over and over
14. I wish you buy another expensive diamond, like a necklace - when I look at my ring it reminds me that you love me.
15. I wish you called me just to talk
16. I wish you say I love you on the phone everything we talk
17. I wish you kiss me every time you see me, like hello and good byes.
18. I wish you would write me e=mails everyday that say you think Iím beautiful and you love me. O r compliment my outfit or anything you like about me.
19. I wish we could take a trip together to an isolated place with no one around, where we could fall in love again. Or where there would be no other woman, so I would not be jealous and have this constant fear that someone is going to steal you away.

is important to emphasize that requests are not demands and should never be expressed or understood as such. They are wishes. When your partner fulfills your wish, it's a gift and should be received that way
If you have a jealousy problem you are trying to overcome, try to give each other at least three gifts every week. This probably will not be easy (if it were easy, you would have done it before). The things your partner asks for may be difficult for you to give. It may be difficult for you to look in your husband's eyes and tell him that you trust him when deep in your heart you don't (which is why you respond with jealousy when he is friendly to other women). You don't have to give presents you rated high in difficulty. Start with those you rated easier. As the relationship becomes more loving and trusting, you will find it easier to give your partner the more difficult gifts, too.
The exercises here assume that both of you truly want to be rid of your jealousy problem. This assumption may or may not be true. It is possible that, despite all appearances to the contrary, the jealousy problem serves an important function in the relationship--a function you would rather not acknowledge. If this is the case, chances are that the coping strategies recommended here will not work, and you may want to get professional help at some point.
Nevertheless, exercises that give you an opportunity to learn about yourself and about each other, and that increase the number of rewards you give each other, can only help, and--like the relationship--deserve a good try.


or "Jealous behaviors that get on my nerves." Under this heading, if you are the jealous spouse, list all the things your mate does that trigger your jealousy; if you are the non-jealous spouse, list all the jealousy-related things your spouse does that make you feel angry, frustrated, caged, hurt. For example, an item on a jealous spouse's list may be: "When you're nauseatingly sweet to every woman on the street after being nasty to me." An item on the non-jealous spouse's list may be: "The fact that you get so suspicious about every woman I happen to bump into."
On top of the second page, write: "The needs at the base of my jealousy" or "The needs at the base of my annoyance." Under this second heading write the different needs at the heart of your jealousy or your annoyance. For example, at the heart of her jealousy triggered by seeing him get sweet to other women may be a need to feel special, to feel that you are his "one and only." At the heart of his anger at her suspicion may be a need for trust.
At the top of the third page, write: "Wishes." Under it write what your partner can do to fulfill your need. Don't ask for things that are too general, such as "make me feel special" or "show me that you trust me." Ask for specific and concrete things your mate is able to do, things that have special significance for you. For example, "Take me out for a romantic dinner." "Tell me that you trust me." Note that both examples are positive statements--things to do, not things to avoid. Note, too, that both examples involve observable behaviors, the focus of the behavioral approach.
After writing your lists of wishes, go over those lists and rank your requests in terms of their importance to you, (10=very important, 1=of minor importance.) For example, how important is it that your husband take you out for a romantic dinner? How important is it that your wife tell you that she trust you?
Once both of you have ranked your requests, exchange your lists, examine your spouse's wishes, and then rank them in terms of your difficulty in fulfilling them. How hard it is for you to tell your husband that your trust him? How difficult it is for you to take your wife out for a romantic dinner?
It is important to emphasize that requests are not demands and should never be expressed or understood as such. They are wishes. When your partner fulfills your wish, it's a gift and should be received that way.



Edited by: ASDFASDFASDFA at: 2/24/2007 (23:56)

LOVEMEORLEAVEME
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Posts: 118
8/1/06 12:00 P

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Don't hate him for that. It's human nature. At one point in our lives we all look. We may not do it intentionally but it's a reaction we all have by motion. My hubby watches porns and I had a problem with it til I saw for myself it's only to better what we have. Never feel ashamed of yourself no matter how you look, or what kind of mood you're in. God created us all in some kind of way and we must appreciate what we have. If he may not, another will. Just remember to one you may be the most precious creation, to another you might just be another body. Keep your self esteem highly risen and never loose your inner trust for your self.


Love me from the heart never tear me apart. Believe in the name forget about my fame.
MOMOFPRESLEE
Posts: 2992
8/1/06 11:44 A

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AllyDueNov..(and anyone else struggling with this issue)
Have you tried a Life Coach session? I have been going to a life coach for a few months now, to learn how to deal with my husband's depression--and it has been REMARKABLE!!! I understand how you feel about your husband's addiction-my husband has some that I don't like, too. But you need to know that it means NOTHING about you! It doesn't make you less of a woman just because he has an addiction. Sometimes these addictions are so much stronger than we can comprehend--and I imagine that this is your husband's case. He wouldn't just disregard your feelings for it otherwise. IF he admits that it is a problem and would like some help, then maybe you should find him a life coach too...but I strongly suggest going to one yourself! It has worked wonders for me and my self esteem!!!

Take care!

Edited by: MOMOFPRESLEE at: 8/1/2006 (11:48)


Children are the best teachers of what UNCONDITIONAL love really is!

Preslee Jane 9-16-04
William 'Cash' Curtis arrived
Feb. 22 @ 4:15pm
8lb 8oz -- 21inches

ARIZONAGIRL
Posts: 1
7/26/06 4:07 P

 
 
I too discovered my husband was looking at other women online when my daughter was just 4 months old. I was so proud of myself for getting back into shape and at my pre-pregnancy weight, only to find it meant nothing to him. My self esteem is in shambles and I'm embarrassed at how much this has hurt me. We've had issues in the bedroom before, with him not approaching me for intimacy, and telling me he just had a 'low sex drive'. I think he even believes this himself. If a man has a desire to see other women naked and psychologically make love to them in their mind, I don't think it's low drive! I am now working on forgiveness, I am angry that I have to deal with this right now. I want to enjoy my 1st experience of motherhood, and have true intimacy with him. How did you all move on? How do you not worry that he is envisioning these women in bed when he is with you? What if he won't be honest about why he's really looking?

ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
5/29/06 1:29 A

 
 
Thanks for all your beautiful message. I still have nightmare about my husband watching porn. But basically, I decided not to think a bout it anymore he still does it, but now I look hot. I am not pregnant anymore, it is not such a big deal for some reason. I quess the only thing that made me feel better was looking sexy. I still hate him for doing that to me when I was pregnant. WHAT A JERK. I know I need to forgive him. Here is my prayer.

Heavenly Father

Please let me forgive my beloved husband Jason. I want to let go and forgive him.
You are the only judge Lord
He will reap what he has sowen from you, not me. I can not control.

I love him and I am so happy you gave him to me as my husband.

Please relieve me of all my anger toward him.

I pray you take away all my anyger and revenge I feel towards him

Please make me whole lord

amen

_BECKI_
Posts: 4002
3/21/06 3:53 P

 
 
I have been dealing with this issue a little to, mine likes internet porn, it really bugs me and I want to get ride of the computer, I am now pregnant and it bugs me even more because he is less interested in Sex, I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. I am trying to seperate myself from this issue and not take it personally, and It's working a little bit. I still feel bad sometimes, but I also know that it's just a fantasy for him and I know he is not doing it to hurt me I know he would never cheat on me for reals, it's kinda funny because i was really upset a few months ago so I went and looked at his history to see what he was looking at and the site was real women, not silicone city, I was surprised at what I saw, like older, bigger, flatter, not as attractive as me girls (women). I felt better knowing it wasn't like they were barbies or something I would feel threatened by. I still don't like it but I feel better about it, and am trying to get over it, but being pregnant as we all know is tough, and being married is to, but we will survive this.

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VALPO1997
BabyPoints: 9882
Posts: 1806
3/21/06 1:59 P

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I know that this is a very touchy topic with you. I can understand that you feel that he is watching because he finds you unattractive or is addicted to sex or is wanting to cheat on you.

My DH watches porn too. He watches this but he does it to get ideas for us to do. And yes, your husband is going to find other people attractive from the movies too. It is like you watching a movie and thinking gee Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or any other movie star is a attractive. Granted they are typically not naked, but it is along the same lines.

Watching porn does not make your husband a cheater or a lier or anything else. It could just be a stimulus that gets him excited about sex.

Granted he needs to make you feel loved and wanted and attractive to him too. If he is stating to you that you need to change your body or do a specific act, then is not loving you for you.



Keira Mackenzie born 9/5/06 at 4:30 am
6 lbs 2 oz
19 inches

LUIBELLE
Posts: 234
3/21/06 9:35 A

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i have had sex four times since we found out i was pregnant, but he looks at porn probably three or four times a week. while if our relationship is ok on all levels, including the bedroom, i don't mind, this is different because he is choosing porn over an actual real live person whom he says he loves, and it makes me feel like crap. i developed an eating disorder after the birth of my first child because i felt like if i didn't look like these 18 yr old girls he watches, then he wouldn't want me anymore, and then i get pregnant again and the same thing happens all over again. i don't really consider porn cheating, but in this case it feels so much worse than if we actually had a healthy sexual relationship. he wonders why i would be so hesitant to agree to have another child when he just distances himself so much while i am pregnant. the whole thing makes me feel sick just thinking about it...


being pregnant isn't being fat
DANAMICHELLE
Posts: 220
3/20/06 6:16 P

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My browser won't let me go back all the way, so i'm not sure where this all started.
With the risk of sounding like a "freak" or something, i would like to share my experience with this situation.
My husband also likes to watch porn from time to time, however very rarely without me. I had never watched porn prior to watching it with my DH. I was extremely hesitant the first time and felt a little uncomfortable. but, it turned out to be a great experience for both of us. We don't watch it on a regular basis or anything, but from time to time one fo us will bring it up and it usually results in a very good experience.
I'm not saying that porn is for everyone, but i would like to defend some guys who like it . . . for my husband it is like a "bonus" to watch porn with me, it doesn't take the place of me.

Thanks,
Dana

Edited by: DANAMICHELLE at: 3/20/2006 (18:21)


Ella Grace Duffy arrived August 19, 2006 . . . she is the most amazing little girl and brings so much laughter to our hearts.
Baby Girl #2 is due September 13, 2007 SURPRISE!

RITSUMEI
Posts: 5756
9/29/05 12:31 A

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I mentioned this thread to DH, and he had some interesting observations.
1. It's often an addiction. (Yeah, I know, this has been said) Additions are hard - think about how much work it is for most people to give up cigaretts or for an alcoholic to dry up. If it's an addiction, it's not something that can just be turned off. It's going to take time. Understanding. There are going to be days when quitting isn't working. And there will be days when it is working. He might need to get counciling. You might need to, and you might need to get some together. Maybe a 12-step program would help.
2. Sometimes men do it when they don't get enough sex at home. Not that it makes it right. And not that that means this is the case in your situation. But sometimes that's a factor.
3. There needs to be something to replace it when he's quitting. If it's become habit to take a quick peek at the porn at some point in the evening, then he'll need something else to do at that time. He'll need a new hobby. This is one place where you can be a help (if you can manage not to nag - that'd be my problem). It's so much easier to get rid of something when there's something else to take its place.
4. We also talked about the possiblity of a downward cycle in this sort of thing: He does porn, she feels gross & turned off, doesn't want to have sex. He feels sexual tension/desire & can't get any from her, so he goes back to porn. She feels worse...

Thought that a little input from a guy's point of view might be helpful. The conversation that DH & I had was pretty interesting. Hope that things start to get better for you soon!

Edited by: RITSUMEI at: 9/29/2005 (00:38)

BabyFit Community Team
He maketh a Barren Woman to keep house and to be a Joyful Mother of Children, Praise ye the Lord.
Psalms 113:9

Married DH 28 May 1998
TTC 6 years; 1st pregnancy m/c'd Sep 2005
Monkey - 21 Sep 2006
#2 - due mid-late Aug


ASHLEIGHMARIE
Posts: 34
9/26/05 5:08 P

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I just want to say to every man who has tried it... the whole "all men do it" excuse is total B.S.!!! Yes, men are visual and they tend to struggle with lust more than women, but all men do not watch porn. There are actually men out there who (gasp!)control themselves out of respect for their wives and for women in general. We can and SHOULD expect more from those who claim to love us. We shouldn't feel like we have to watch porn or go to strip clubs with our man just to keep him coming home to us! Being faithful to a relationship is more than just not physically doing it with another woman. Watching porn is mental infidelity, and as such, it it hurtful. You have a right to feel hurt and jealous because a man who watches porn is cheapening something that is supposed to be special between the two of you.
You do need to express how you feel. It is not OK. It is not your problem. You are not the one who needs to adjust your thinking. It's him! Women are not slabs of raw meat on display to be drooled over... and sex is not a meaningless physical activity. It is total intimacy between two people who are sharing themselves with each other.
Your marriage is important. Maybe there are deeper issues that require counseling. You are bringing a child into this world; now is the time to get your relationship rock solid. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you can get through it with some honesty.

Edited by: ASHLEIGHMARIE at: 9/26/2005 (17:09)


Ashleigh Marie

Expecting our first- It's a BOY!
EDD 12/15/05

ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
9/23/05 8:40 P

 
 
Dear Wayra,

Thank you so much for your letter. Wow. Makes me want to cry.

Chesney, thanks for your letter too.

Thank you,
ally

Edited by: ASDFASDFASDFA at: 9/23/2005 (20:42)

MOM2NATHAN
Posts: 4889
9/23/05 8:14 P

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WAYRA1970,

Tou hit it right on the nose,
that's what I have been trying
to explain also!!!!

Cheers & Good Luck!

BabyFit Community Team
Nathan Alexandre
was Born on Feb. 8, 2006 @ 6:02pm, weighing 9 lbs!



WAYRA1970
Posts: 823
9/23/05 4:20 A

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This is a very complex subject. I had the same experience with my ex boyfriend, and I felt exactly like you, I was hurt, I was jealous. After I talked to him about it he told me that all man do it and it is normal, and that hurt me more and I started to loose confidence in myself. I was trying to save this relationship so I started questioning myself about my beliefs and way of life, maybe I was wrong? Maybe I should watch porn too? And I got to a point where I felt ugly, incapable of being sexy, finally depression, all this took me 5 years. With great effort I decided to leave him. After 3 months of making peace with myself I reborn again. I felt happy to be alive and start enjoying my live and the world, seeing it from a different point of view. With this experience I learned that every life is a completely world apart, even if some times you share some common grounds. Our impressions of the world are unique for each of us as well our priorities, values, and goals. Something that is bad for me may be good for another person, we cant have control over other people's actions, we can only control ourselves and the present. I think that the moment that the behavior of a person, (specially someone really close to u as ur husband)affects your values and self confidence, you have to react. Or you leave this person, or you work out the problem or you reanalyze your behavior. In any case always be true to yourself, from the moment you are acting against yourself you are already setting yourself for failure. Remember always that life is short and is not worth it to be unhappy.
Best luck for you and your baby


The best thing ever is being a mother
WAYRA1970
Posts: 823
9/23/05 4:19 A

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This is a very complex subject. I had the same experience with my ex boyfriend, and I felt exactly like you, I was hurt, I was jealous. After I talked to him about it he told me that all man do it and it is normal, and that hurt me more and I started to loose confidence in myself. I was trying to save this relationship so I started questioning myself about my beliefs and way of life, maybe I was wrong? Maybe I should watch porn too? And I got to a point where I felt ugly, incapable of being sexy, finally depression, all this took me 5 years. With great effort I decided to leave him. After 3 months of making peace with myself I reborn again. I felt happy to be alive and start enjoying my live and the world, seeing it from a different point of view. With this experience I learned that every life is a completely world apart, even if some times you share some common grounds. Our impressions of the world are unique for each of us as well our priorities, values, and goals. Something that is bad for me may be good for another person, we cant have control over other people's actions, we can only control ourselves and the present. I think that the moment that the behavior of a person, (specially someone really close to u as ur husband)affects your values and self confidence, you have to react. Or you leave this person, or you work out the problem or you reanalyze your behavior. In any case always be true to yourself, from the moment you are acting against yourself you are already setting yourself for failure. Remember always that life is short and is not worth it to be unhappy.
Best luck for you and your baby


The best thing ever is being a mother
BELLA20
Posts: 831
9/22/05 12:11 P

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Dont't feel bad my fiancee does the same thing and he kept it from me but it doesn't bother me. Men do things most of the time without thinking how we will react because they are thinking of themselves but their just boys!


It's a boy Gianni Georgeo Granucci Born 8-24-06 7 pounds 5.5 ounces 19 3/4 inches long
Just Married 3-15-2006
my email vietato2003@hotmail.com

MOM2NATHAN
Posts: 4889
9/22/05 9:06 A

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Your right.......you have
to think about what's best
for you & kids.
He is an adult and seems
to have no problem thinking
about himself!

Be confident in your
abilities and opinions
as an adult & mother!


BabyFit Community Team
Nathan Alexandre
was Born on Feb. 8, 2006 @ 6:02pm, weighing 9 lbs!



JASSYB
Posts: 1384
9/21/05 11:14 A

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I have to say that if a guy watches porn because he's not getting any from his wife and needs to get himself off, let him do it, or you satisfy him somehow... he will be happy and calm. Its better that then looking around to get it from somebody else.

If a guy does it all the time, just for fun or being bored and its happening even after pregnancy then start looking into addiction thing.
But regardless to it, talk to him and ask him why is he watching? Maybe its bothering you more because you are pregnant. I know that things that never bothered me before are bothering me now. Hope you can talk to him.

Edited by: JASSYB at: 9/21/2005 (11:14)







HILLIE24
BabyPoints: 10821
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9/20/05 1:19 P

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LISANICOBABY- that IS ironic.


-Heather
Killian, 10 months (or so)
Mackenzie, 2
Mike, 26
Our dogs, Molly and Kieran, and our cat, O'Malley.


MOM2NATHAN
Posts: 4889
9/20/05 12:20 P

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Hi,
I love Dr. Phil and agree with him
100%, but I think it's ironic that
his son is engaged to marry a former
Playboy Centrefold girl.

We can't control everything, but
we can make our own choices.

Good luck with yours!



BabyFit Community Team
Nathan Alexandre
was Born on Feb. 8, 2006 @ 6:02pm, weighing 9 lbs!



ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
9/20/05 11:13 A

 
 
I use to be married before to a saint like yours so I know that there are some men that are angles and don't look at porn. I use to think it is not that bad if he does it then I started watching what he's watching and it is clearly cheating. It makes my blood boil.
I haven't talk with him about it later or look at the history on the computer, because I know he is still looking at it and it depresses me so much. It has made me so insecure that he is always looking at women and undressing him in his mind. I am not going to let it go, but I am going to wait to confront him again because I must. I just don't have the confidence right now to do it. I like reading Dr. Phil's advice: Is Internet Porn Cheating?
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:


It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.


Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.


Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.


Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.


You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

Ask yourself or your partner:


Would you do it with your partner standing right there?


Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.


Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?


Does it intrude on your relationship?


Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?



SCMLG94
Posts: 3771
9/18/05 1:07 P

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Hi,

I really feel your pain here. I went through this with my prayer partner and her husband.

1st- he has to see what he's doing is wrong and want to change.

2nd- they did see a pastor for counseling for a few weeks.

3rd- Two books, Every Man's Battle is a great book. Especially, if there is another man in him life that will be an accountablity partner like the book suggests. Every Heart Restored. I got this book for my best friend and it helped her A LOT! Truelly it did.

He has to commit to change, commit to you, and commit to restoring your marriage first though. In the mean time pick up this book, I think you'll get a ton out of it. You have to open minded though while reading it, in that they are going to tell you it is an addiction, it's not about you, and they teach forgiveness.

Take Care and God Bless,

Misty


Our third son was born 5/19/06 3:24 a.m. on his due date. He was 8lbs 15 oz, 21" long. Our other two boys are 10 and 8.5 years old.

Their birth stories are on our babypage journal.

Healthy Home, Healthy Family, Healthy Income

www.stayinhomeandlovinit.com/mgotham

TAIRARUTH
Posts: 413
9/18/05 12:37 P

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Gee, this is a tough one.

Porn can bring up so many issues and such for so many different people and yet other couples handle it and it doesn't appear to affect them at all.

I belong to another website--a website that basically works on healthy relationships and such, and from the guys there and many of the girls, there isn't so much wrong with watching porn as there is with the lies and such or the control battle that can come as a result of miscommunication and such from the whole thing. And its very much akin to drinking or pot smoking in many ways--for some its perfectly acceptable to have a glass of wine at dinner or to go out and drink once or twice a week--yet for others, drinking just isn't ok. Porn can be something like this.

From the guys who write in on that site, most of them say that when they look at porn it isn't so much that they 'desire' the other women as it is that they get turned on by looking at nakid body parts and the poses and clothes and such. Its something that they have done for years and years before getting into any relationships--often where they got their foundation in sexuality. Yet, often times the girls and women get very upset and afraid because 'we' think they are desiring these women inplace of us. And being pregnant is particularly tough because we don't feel so attractive at all and our own sex-drive can be very far off what it typically is. We tend to be more insecure, and less able to speak rationally and from a place of understanding--more from a place of defensiveness and fear, hurt and anger.

I would suggest that you have more than one issue going on here--first there is him viewing the porn which brings up a certain amount of feelings for you. Then, there is the lies and such and the 'miscommunications' that are happening as a result of the porn which pulls into the whole trust thing because as long as he is saying "I won't do this anymore" and continues to do it what he is doing is erroding some of the trust that is there. Yet, his alternative, other than to stop doing this, is not going to win him any brownie points either--if he were to say "honey, I love you, but I do like my porn, have always liked it and will continue to view it occassionally"--you are not likely to understand that and will still get upset and view this as a betrayal.

And, I think that this is where your sister is offering you an out--Alanon, although for people who are affected by other peoples addictions is not really there to help us change the other person--its for us to learn to change ourselves so that we don't feel the need to get so upset or to try and control another person. Basically, when dealing with addictions, whilst it is hard on the person who is addicted--it is equally and often more so difficult on those that love the addicted because we feel hurt, betrayed, angry, depressed, and basically bitter because of our inability to make them see 'reason'. We deal with constantly feeling lied to, feeling betrayed and this can be a big test for any person. And it can be very, very difficult to let this all go and to trust that whilst God is there taking care of us and has a plan for us--He also has a plan and loves the addict in our lives. It can be very difficult to draw the line or even to find the line between what we will allow to affect us, to when to simply walk away and to figure out what we will let go in the name of acceptance and keeping the peace.

One of the biggest bones of contention in my household right now is my husbands 'addiction' to video games. He will literally spend hours playing some game or another--use it to totally distance himself from everything around him and I end up in tears quite often because I get to feeling as if I just don't matter. And I will get upset, talk with him--he will come of the games for a while--promise me he will do something in the house like the dishes or something. So, I'll go for a nap or something and get up to see nothing done, no dishes done and him sitting back down playing yet another game. You can bet I get upset with him. I'll start doing the dishes (loudly) or saying something like "I wish you'd just say outright, no I won't move a muscle to help you, I'm playing games all day and thats all I wanna do rather than lying about it" and sometimes I do--but when I do, I have to realize that what I'm doing is actually allowing his stuff to affect me--because I'm the one getting upset.

Other times I will just start doing the dishes, and he will notice, get up and apologize--and things can be a whole lot more peaceful.

I honestly don't know what to suggest to you because I have issues with control as well, which I am struggling to work on. This is why I go to alanon--its not because my partner drinks or does drugs although at different points in my past that has been an issue. But, its because over the years from when I was young and all the way up, I have learned a way of thinking and such which can be very detrimental to myself and any relationship that I am in. Basically, I don't know how to 'stop him' playing the games so much and there are times when I know I should be spending less time on trying to 'fix him' and more time on fixing myself--on making myself happy regardless of what it is that he is doing. His 'addiction' to video games is NOT a reflection on me, and just because he is playing them for long periods of time leaving me to sit and twiddle my thumbs at times in the living room--well, me twiddling my thumbs rather than doing something else that would bring me joy--that IS my business. See, I'm still waiting alot for him to change and realize what he's doing etc etc--rather than simply getting on with life, going out perhaps with my friends, doing what makes ME happy--and allowing us both the freedom to be who we are an to follow our own paths. And, I know, inside, from past experiences, that if I were to say go over to my neighbours and watch a movie or something--he would likely stop the gaming so much because he would miss me--he'd come looking for me--but I don't do that very much--its much more habitual for me to sit there and 'wait' for him to make me feel better--which he just can't do.

In my situation, HIS sickness is the gaming etc--MY sickness is waiting around with an all or nothing attitude and getting all upset because of what HE is doing and what I am interpreting from what he is doing. I have to recognize that although I don't like the gaming so much--there is absolutely nothing I can do really to stop him doing this or any other thing he chooses to do--but I can work on myself so that I am not so negatively influenced by HIS stuff.






Mother to Alex (20-male), Elena (17-female), Dharma (10-male), Belinda (7-female), Ember (3-female) and Dorothy Mikaelah-Kathryn "Mika" (Sept 26, 2005-female)
MOM2NATHAN
Posts: 4889
9/17/05 10:09 A

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You have to respect yourself first,
if that means, starting-over......wait for the right time (after the baby is born) and you
have your strength.
Remember, you are an example to your kids, and
they want you to be happy as their mother!!!

You will be suprised at how much better
you will feel when you respect your own
feelings first!!!



BabyFit Community Team
Nathan Alexandre
was Born on Feb. 8, 2006 @ 6:02pm, weighing 9 lbs!



WILLOWREN
Posts: 54
9/17/05 7:21 A

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Dear Ally,

When I said that your husband's actions are not about you, it's not to say it doesn't or shouldn't effect you in any way. Of course you are going to feel it and be hurt and frustrated and puzzled by it. It would be a total cop out and excusing the addict if he said, 'Gee honey, you are taking all my lies and infidelities so personally when it's not about you.' This addiction in particular can lead to actual physical infidelity, and I know many a faithful wife to have contacted an std from their addicted mates. The repeated lies and broken trust definitely errode the bonds of a relationship like a slow poison. If your husband was an alcoholic and driving you and your children while under the influence, that definitely would affect you directly, right? Can you imagine then, 'Gee, honey. My license is suspended from a dui and our car is totaled and our child is in the hospital, but my drinking has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally!' Nah-ah.

The distinction I'm trying to make is that his actions are not in any way because of you, you are not to blame. With this addiction, a lot of partners get trapped into a vicious cycle of self-doubt thinking that maybe if they looked more like this blonde in porn that he's looking at, or if they had meekly backed off from asking their husbands why and didn't cry, or if they were younger and sexier, etc., then maybe the husband wouldn't be tempted to look at the stuff. That's what I mean when I say it's not about you. It sounds like you already are that gorgeous blonde and a sweet caring wife who wants to understand everything about her husband. And yes, his betrayals and lies to cover his tracks directly effect you and your heart. Your best friend for life is trying to hide the damage he's doing to his mind and to the love between you, and naturally you feel the strain and pain. A lot of times the partner of a mate who is hiding lies will feel in their gut that something just isn't right, but they don't yet see what is wrong and so they think they must be imagining things. Sometimes the lying partner will play on those doubts and convince you that you're crazy so that you'll stop barking up that tree and bothering them from doing what they want to do in secret. What I'm trying to say with too many words is that if your husband has an addiction and can't give it up, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough and doesn't want to stop hurting you because he doesn't care. It especially does not mean that you are not loveable enough and maybe if you did xyz he would quit for you.

I urge you to find the cyberwidows or a support group that could explain it better than I can. When I was in it, it was such a godsend to know that I wasn't alone.

ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
9/16/05 10:15 P

 
 
Thanks for your message. Very interesting points. Yeah, I guess your right that it has nothing to do with me. Somehow, I just feel it does. It's such a strain on our relationship because it boils down to I have no trust that he will be faithful as he already has affairs of the mind.
Thank you for all the advice.
You're great.
it is such a complex issue to deal with.

WILLOWREN
Posts: 54
9/15/05 7:54 P

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Dear Ally,

I think I understand your pain. My ex was a sex addict, addicted to porn and mb since age 13. I was with him for 10 years until I realized I couldn't live with his addiction. We tried several methods of counseling, online support groups, 12 step groups. There is a difference between true addiction and people who look at porn once in a blue moon. If they need it, use it to cope with life, if he can't stop himself, there is most likely a problem.

One online group offered great support. Look for the cyberwidows. A good Christian book on the topic is 'An Affair of the Mind', I think by Laurie Hall.

What I write next is in regards to addictions.

Being a partner of an addict has us feeling so much doubt and shame and pain enough without judgement that our natural feelings of hurt and protective withdrawal is a sin as equal as their mental and emotional infidelities. I seriously doubt God would judge us that way, kick us when we are down and hurting. Didn't David write Psalm after Psalm of how his friends and enemies hurt him, asking God for revenge? Did God accuse him of being sinful for hurting or being angry at those who hurt him? Do not accept any thought that says that his actions are because of you. What he does is not about you, not because of you, not in response to anything you've done or didn't do, not in response to the way you look, none of that. Most likely he was doing this well before you met him, and if he doesn't truly want to change, will continue to do well after you would leave him. You could be Jenna Jamison's and Martha Stewart's daughter, gorgeous and sexy and completely domestic, it doesn't matter how gorgeous you are and what a good wife you are, he'd still do what he does. It's not about you. It's not about how he doesn't love you enough to quit because it hurts you. He's not doing it to purposely hurt you or he wouldn't hide it.

It's about his own pain and how he's not dealing with it, he's coping with it in a way that will never ultimately make him happy, only works temporarily. You can't be the one to save him either. If you play the savior, then if he fails, not only will you be the victim, but you will be blamed for his failure. None of this is in your control. If he is addicted, he is not in control either. You are not the cause and you are not the cure. He needs to want a better way, needs to want to get better for himself.

I would recommend not telling his mother because it most likely will backfire if you stay with him. I know you seek understanding and hope that maybe if it's out in the open by people who know him, he'll have to change. It doesn't work like that, trust me. The 12 step group I went to was S-anon, partners of sex addicts. They were not about being lovey-dovey forgiving so far as I could tell. They were more about taking focus off what he is doing, bringing back focus to the self, safe and healthy distance and detachment for the self. I know I became very obsessed with what he was doing and when, so much so that I became crazy with it. I needed to let go of my illusion of control, because it was never in my hands.

Take good care of yourSelf and seek support. You will find that the cyberwidows and others understand.

HILLIE24
BabyPoints: 10821
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9/15/05 7:48 P

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I honestly don't think threatening to tell his mother would be the way to go. It IS hard, I understand, we went through it too, for almost a year. And every time, he would tell me that he was sorry, and that he wouldn't do it again. And I kept getting disappointed. The thing that solved it for us was when I told him it was me or the porn, and told him I would move out if he didn't stop. That was a wake-up call for him, and he hasn't done anything like that since. In fact, our relationship is so great now. I would suggest talking to him, and giving him an ultimatum, and if he doesn't meet it, then follow through. It was so bad, I had to see a counselor, because I felt like such a horrible person. Not because I told him I would leave, but because there was obviously something wrong with me if he needed to look at other women. I know this sounds like a BS excuse, but that is just how men are. I always thought that was a cop-out, and refused to listen, but it really is true. They don't mean to hurt you, it just happens. Before you do anything rash, please email me, heather.hill@hotmail.com

I have been through this, and I will help you in any way I can. But I really think if you tell his mother, it will just piss him off, and ruin the relationship between the two of you. If I can help, please email me.


-Heather
Killian, 10 months (or so)
Mackenzie, 2
Mike, 26
Our dogs, Molly and Kieran, and our cat, O'Malley.


ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
9/15/05 6:28 P

 
 
Thank you for your messages. What was the name of this group those women attended.

I would forgive him and love him again, if he'd have stopped when I asked him too. We went out for dinner last night and everyone is like, you're not your usual happy self. The tension between the two of us is so apparent to other. I sit next to him and think of he's staring at the waitress. He whispered in my ear "I love you." For me actions speak louder than words.. Lusting after another woman (even if she is on the computer) is cheating. I watch the porn videos he downloads from Blue Fantasies, Jenna Jamison. It is a wake up call. Every smile they have is a smile taken away from me. Whenever I watch them it makes me cry and I know he desires to be with other women. I wonder why he married me, if he wants to still be single. After I have had the baby and I am back to looking attractive again. I am very good looking 38C,21, 29(breastfeeding probably 40DD) and I have long blonde hair, perfect teeth, and big eyes. I am going to print off all these post and messages from other women, including Dr. Phil's advice on porn (on Dr. Phil's website. Like I said ladies, I have already talked with him and all three times he said " I never want to hurt you, I'm sorry, I'll stop, I will make it up to you. I am not that bad of a guy" Obviously bs as he continues to do it. So I am going to write this long letter, and print out all these messages ( so he gets the women's perspective), then I am going to threaten to tell his mother.

My sister suggested I go to alanon, as women who's husband's are alcoholics deal with detatching themselves. About being all lovive dovie and forgiving, I don't see the value in that.

Thanks again,
Ally

NUCOPIA
Posts: 285
9/14/05 2:55 P

 
 
found one link so far......its for porn addicts and their spouses

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.c
om/home/


NUCOPIA
Posts: 285
9/14/05 2:52 P

 
 
this is a legimate addiction for alot of men, and they genuinly struggle with it (for alot of reasons)
I am a christian too, and have seen countless threads in christian msgboards about this exact thing......men struggling with it and trying to deal with it. He needs your patience for him to deal with it, and don't forget...there is alot of shame for men with this particular addiction
Is he a christian too?

there are alot of resources out there, i will post again with links..have to dig them up

Don't forget that this will pass.....you are especially emotional being pregnant, and it doesn't take much for resentment to grow. Are either of you open to councelling?

DDDRRB04
Posts: 81
9/13/05 10:00 P

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You sound really, really unhappy. I know a couple people in your same situation and the only thing you can do is ask yourself..."do i really see myself with him in 5, 10 or 15 years?" Whether you like it or not, you are going to have a baby and when it comes you will love it more than anything. The bottom line is, whatever problems you and your husband have, you are going to have to deal with them sooner or later. Sooner is way better than later, after the baby is born and aware of conflicts in the house. Being a single parent is tough, but I'm sure it beats having to deal with these issues while taking care of a child.

HILLIE24
BabyPoints: 10821
Posts: 4505
9/13/05 5:40 P

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I was confused, too when I saw this in the Exercise section, but I can relate as well. FOr the first year of our marriage, we went through this. My husband would watch it, or find it online, and I would find it later. Then he would lie about it, and say it wasn't him...but we were the only two in the house, and it certainly wasn't me. We talked, and I made it perfectly clear that I would leave if he kept doing it. Now, he doesn't do it at all. It took alot of blood, sweat, and many, many tears to get through this, but if your husband loves you, he will respect you and stop looking at porn.

Some men don't consider it wrong, and neither do some women. It takes compromise and understanding. If you are not willing to put up with it, you need to ask yourself what is more important, your sanity or your marraige. I hope you can work this out. I found a website that is like this one, but allows you to talk to many people about this sort of thing. It is called www.loveshack.org. They are a good site to check out. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at heather.hill@hotmail.com


-Heather
Killian, 10 months (or so)
Mackenzie, 2
Mike, 26
Our dogs, Molly and Kieran, and our cat, O'Malley.


ASDFASDFASDFA
Posts: 36
9/13/05 3:36 P

 
 

Porn, Porn, Porn
I have asked my husband to stop watching porn, we were only just married. He continues. It breaks my heart and makes me hate him and want to divorce him. I feel trapped to be with him now I am pregnant. If I wasn't pregnant I would want to leave him. I talked to him twice, both emotional times. I was crying and spilling out my guts about feeling ugly next to the silcone queens. First time in my life, I have ever hated sex. I don't know if we can stay together. It destroys my trust in him. He is obviously a liar and has no moral back bone. It is eroding our marriage. I just want to leave him and if I had somewhere to go I would, but the doctor has now told me not to travel after 34 weeks. I try to be cool about it and not talk to him about anymore, because I have given up on it. I am too emotional about it to have a normal conversation. He has ruined my happiness and my future, because I never knew he was like this. I would have never been with him. I am a Christian. He desires to be with other women. That is the fact. I am not good enough for him. He doesn't care about my feelings. I told him how it hurt me. How can I be with someone who doesn't care about me. I deserve better. I hate that I am pregnant, because otherwise I would spilt completely. I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I don't want to be around him anymore. I just want to run away.
I am not going to though, because I would rather be with him than be alone with a kid. I feel like my life is screwed. I know I should forgive his weakness, but why? He obviously cares more about his dick than me.
I am so unhappy.

torn.

Edited by: ASDFASDFASDFA at: 9/13/2005 (15:41)


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